Your Last Day
by MommaKristine
Summary: After a vivid dream, Beckett thinks she's been given a second chance. When she begins to doubt the reality surrounding her, there is only one person she can think of who has come up with crazier things than what she's living through.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own Castle, which is good, because I don't think this plot line would play out too believably on TV.

**Your Last Day**

Prologue

_Kate rolled out of bed with a slight groan as her sore feet hit the ground. She'd spent the previous day fruitlessly running down suspects and canvasing for witnesses with Castle and it had left her feet sore and her mind set on wearing more sensible shoes to work. _

_That resulted in a crack from Castle, because, of course, he noticed that she was wearing tennis shoes over her normal footwear. "Going for a run?" he'd asked casually as he set her coffee on the desk._

_She ignored the comment and continued to review the murder board, hoping for inspiration, however, he seemed unable to contain himself, "Where do crazy runners get their exercise?" she simply raised an eyebrow as she seriously contemplated his own level of sanity, but he seemed to take that as her asking him for the punch line. "On the psycho path." he'd responded, grinning like one himself, but disappointed when it didn't even get a tease out of her about his lack of comedic talent._

_The day flew by like any other and clues fell into place. A suspect emerged and they headed out to his place, though all indications seemed to be that he had likely skipped town by then. _

_With no answer to their knock, Esposito kicked the door in and they split off. Castle stuck with her as Ryan and Esposito moved off to the left side of the apartment. She hadn't thought much of it, unassuming really, the musty closed in feel of the air seemed to indicate no one had been there in a long time. She soon realized that it just meant the resident didn't care to open the windows._

_Rounding the corner to the bedroom, Castle had started to say something as her gun swept casually to one side and her eyes tried to take in everything at once. It was the barest of seconds before she heard the scream from beside her, "Kate!" _

_It came at the same moment as gun fire and she was tackled to the ground._

_Glass breaking signaled the shooter's attempt to escape and pounding feet informed her that Ryan and Esposito were racing into the room, but she couldn't get up and pursue the man with Castle still lying across her. He felt heavy against her chest that ached slightly from the impact of his body throwing her to the floor._

"_Castle, I'm sure this is a dream come true and all, but he's getting away!" she informed him with exasperation, but was surprised when he didn't move or even acknowledge her. _

_Sudden panic flooded her as she frantically began to push at his chest. Sliding him off of her and scrambling to her knees beside him as her fellow detectives burst through the door. Thoughts of pursuing the suspect fled instantly as she finally registering the gurgling sound that interrupted the steady ringing in her ears and the sound of blood pulsing through them._

_Terror coursed through her as her gaze fell on the exit wound low on his throat. He'd taken the bullet from behind and it had torn through the soft flesh of his neck, easily coming out the other side. She watched frozen in place as his frightened eyes searched for hers, his breathing raged and forced as blood pooled in his airway. _

_Time seemed to stop in that instant as he gazed up at her as if pleading for it not to end this way, but also with a purpose as if there was something he needed to say before he ran out of time. _

_She knew she couldn't fight the hands of the clock as one garbled wet breath later everything stopped. His brow was no longer furrowed in pain and confusion. His eyes no longer begged her for anything or tried to convey that which his shatter voice box could not pull through his blood soaked lips. His hand, that she hadn't even noticed, let go the tight hold it had taken of her shirt and fell to the ground._

_Life blurred from there as she knelt in the spot, unwilling to leave his side until she was dragged away by Ryan and Esposito so the coroner could do his job. She didn't know how long she fought them to go back to his side, but it was a battle that she finally lost the will to fight. _

_She couldn't call his family, couldn't face them, not when she had failed so miserably to keep him safe. Instead, she took the coward's way out when Ryan's voice quivered as he asked if she wanted him to call them for her._

_With tears pouring down her face she finally wrenched herself away from the two detectives, briefly registering their own grief shining in their eyes, but unable to do anything about it._

_Her heart ached and she wanted nothing more than to get away from this apartment, go where she didn't have to think about what this all meant. How the end of one man could feel like the end of so much more._

_She didn't see the streets as she moved swiftly, glad for her choice of more sensible shoes, but forced back to thoughts of Castle's joke just that morning._

_She didn't know how long she ran, but eventually she had started to walk and after a long time she sank onto a set of stone stairs in front of a random apartment complex and buried her face in her hands. Tears moistened the dried blood on her hands and she suddenly wanted it off of her. _

_Knowing she'd never catch a cab in her condition, she took a minute to gauge her location and with a new purpose and a second wind, she began to run again. Feet slamming the pavement as they carried her forward. The sun setting behind her as she finally arrived at the precinct seemed to taunt her with yet another end on this day that was far too full of them already. _

_At least, that would mark the end of this day that never should have been. _

_She turned over her clothes as evidence, gave her statement like a zombie, and accepted the offer of a ride home from Karpowski. She wasn't in the mood for conversation and was grateful that the other detective seemed to realize that. _

_Slipping into her apartment, she instantly shed the track pants and t-shirt she'd dawned at the precinct and took in her condition in the unforgiving light above her bathroom mirror. She was virtually unscathed, a small bruise along her shoulder, the blood she hadn't been able to scrub from her hands, what had soaked through her clothes, the smears she hadn't even noticed on her face. But her eyes startled her. She knew they'd be red rimmed and swollen, but she hadn't expected to look up and find them so hallow and empty. _

_The water was too hot, but she didn't care as she scrubbed at the blood on her hands, face and where it had seeped through her shirt and the knees of her pants. She scrubbed until the water ran cold, scrubbed until her skin burned a bright red that had nothing to do with his blood. The pain brought her back to her senses as cold water sprayed from her showerhead._

_She didn't bother with more than throwing on her robe as she climbed into bed, clutching her pillow and willing the day away, not looking forward to the conversations she would inevitably face when the sun rose again. _

_She cried for his family, his daughter and mom. She cried for his friends and her partners. She wished she could take the pain from them, lift the scar this would leave in their lives. She hated that at some point the tears started to fall for her. _

_She had no right to feel this way when it had been her fault. She had no right to mourn the loss of his smile or the way his left eye blinked just slightly faster than the right when he had been staring at something too long in heavy concentration. She had no right to mourn the teasing glint in his eyes or that smile she always faked a lack of reaction to. The one that sent a bolt of heat straight through her a moment before he said something completely inappropriate. She had no right to mourn the fact that she had never taken him up on a single one of those offers._

_Whether she had a right to or not, the thoughts came unbidden with the knowledge of her mentors words ringing in her head as if a vicious taunt from the universe. "If only."_

'_If only' would be her life now. The whys would consume her. She could already feel it eating at her from the inside out. She was actually grateful when the headache came, the knowledge that her tears had brought on pain that was rightfully hers to carry. She felt shame, piled on regrets, wrapped in guilt and she knew that there was nothing she could do about any of them anymore. _

_She hadn't even been there when it mattered most. Instead, she stared at him in shock as the lights went out without even opening her mouth. She could have at least let him go out with some kind of kind words or reassurance, but even in his last moments she had failed him. _

_That night, Kate Beckett cried herself to sleep for the first time in nearly a decade_

x.x.x

Chapter One

**Tuesday**

**5:45am**

Kate woke to the sound of her alarm clock. Without thinking, she slammed the snooze button and fell back on the bed her throat suddenly tight and tears in her eyes as her the night before came back in intense, violent detail. Looking down at herself, she was surprised to see she was dressed in her pajamas and she let her gaze slip to where she knew she'd spot the pile of gym clothes on her floor.

Instead, her eyes fell on the shirt she had laid out the night before and sudden visions of it covered in blood assaulted her as she realized two things. The first was the relief that it had all been a dream, the second was the knowledge that there was no way in hell she was wearing that shirt today, possibly ever again.

The dream had felt so real and played out until she dreamed herself falling asleep at night as opposed to thrashing awake during the height of emotion. The end of her dream bleeding into her awakening in the morning left her disoriented. For longer than she cared to think about, she lay in bed fighting back the tears as she willed herself to believe it really was all just a terrible nightmare.

It felt like a familiar one, something she had been through before, but she couldn't remember ever having had the pleasure of that particularly vivid dream. Of course, there had been plenty of others, but never that exact set of circumstances. Never that outcome and she had never been forced to see herself through the aftermath.

She'd had dreams where she failed to protect someone before, but she always woke up searching for the blood on her hands from trying to hold them together after the fact, not confused as to whether she had actually dreamed it or if it had been real. This one hit too close for comfort.

Feeling more than a little foolish, she pulled her cell phone to her, absently noticing that it was Tuesday. Something registered that it had been Tuesday in her dream as well, but she shrugged the finer workings of her subconscious off. She didn't even have to scroll through her message log to see that the last one she had received was from Castle at nearly midnight the night before.

She felt herself breathe a little easier as that confirmation of reality sank in. She allowed herself to lie back in bed and really think about what she had been subjected to over the course of her night's sleep.

She was stunned by the realistic nature of the nightmare that had tormented her sleep the night before. It started with her waking up and ended with her going to sleep that night, but there was so much detail in between that usually didn't accompany her dreams.

Normally, she could find herself mysteriously in a dark warehouse, crates and boxes stacked high and impeding her view as she tried to pursue a suspect, or running down a dark alley that never seemed to end. This time, she hadn't been suddenly dropped into the action and she wondered, with a chuckle, if she could blame Castle's influence for that. Perhaps all the talk he had spouted over the years about having the whole picture had forced her mind into some new and frightening world of dreaming where she woke with a feeling that it was real. If that was the case, he'd have hell to pay for it because this type of dreaming she could definitely do without.

She had enough to worry about without waking in a blind panic to the thought that had raced through her mind first thing this morning.

Even now, thinking back on the dream, it felt real, like it was an actual memory in her brain and she wondered how long it would take to work over those thoughts and for the images to fade.

With a laugh at how weird brains could be, that she pretended there was actually a hint of humor in, she slipped out of bed and groaned as her feet hit the ground. They really were sore from all the walking she had done the day before.

With a shrug, she headed for her living room for a little exercise to burn off the lingering adrenaline from her dream.

**8:04am**

She spotted Castle as soon as he entered the bullpen, immediately shaking off recognizing his blue button up shirt from the night before. It did appear to be one of his favorites, which was the logical explanation for its appearance in her dream the night before. Despite the knowledge that her dream had been just that, a figment of her imagination, she still felt her heart rate increase on sight of him and a warm feeling of relief settled over her as he cast her a cheesy grin and slid the coffee onto her desk beside her.

She finally tore her eyes away, knowing it wouldn't do well for her to be staring at him all day. His voice cut into her thought with a casual question that set her blood to ice, "Going for a run?"

She ignored the comment and continued to stare blankly at the murder board, hoping that the next words out of his mouth would be something Alexis did the night before or some kind of insight on the case. Instead, he sent her head spinning as he asked, "Where do crazy runners get their exercise?"

She turned her eyes, to bore into his own, wondering how he could know the details of a dream she'd shared with no one. The lump in her throat from this morning returned as he shrugged at her lack of response and finished, "On the psycho path."

Without warning, tears from the night before flooded back into her eyes and his gaze suddenly became serious and concerned. Despite his eyes, his tone remained light as if he were trying to keep attention diverted from them by acting natural, "Come on, it wasn't that bad of a joke."

But his eyes betrayed the real question and she knew she couldn't answer it. Instead, she shook her head and blinked the moisture away, grabbing her coffee cup and taking a few deep breaths under the guise of casually sipping the hot beverage. Her mind was racing with the improbabilities of this day unfolding as it appeared that it might.

Whatever the reason she had been given the glimpse she had apparently been blessed with, no matter the insanity she felt seeping into her bones, she also felt relief. She was suddenly, and irrationally, determined that if this day played out as the one before had, she would be ready for it this time.

She would do what she should have done before and keep him out of harm's way.

x.x.x

A/N: This popped into my head while listening to the radio and I had to jot it down. It was loosely inspired by the song _If Today Was Your Last Day_ by Nickelback. I don't know how this came from that, but as it did I paid homage to the song with the title.

Obviously, from where we've been so far, this will require you to have a very open mind. Just remember, we're all here to have a good time, so come play with me as we delve into yet another world I've never written for.

Don't be scared as you read, despite what you may be thinking, this is not a death fic. If you know my work you know to brace for a bumpy ride, but that everything turns out (relatively) ok in the end.

Preview that made my day: **Beetlebug**, for encouraging me to stretch my wings wherever the inspiration takes me, without whom I'd still be thinking about this story incessantly, but have none of it actually written.

Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

**11:21am**

They had made progress on the case, just as she'd known they would. Castle's crazy theory about a Batman vendetta style retribution killing that had made her roll her eyes in exasperation, she now knew was not only plausible, but accurate. She wondered how often she discounted his wild theories and they turned out to be correct. Perhaps she would start keeping a tally, but this only counted as one time.

While not every detail seemed familiar to her, she had noted that she was paying far closer attention as the day wore on and events unfolded with startling familiarity. She excused herself for a breath of air, unable to focus on anything with her mind spinning. Some part of her was finally accepting the second chance she'd been given, but the rest of her was in turmoil because it didn't make any sense. After taking a moment to move blindly through the familiar floor of the precinct, she had finally cleared her head.

She knew it wasn't rational and despite the similarities, she decided to chalk it up to coincidence because anything else would mean she was either losing her mind. More likely, she was altering the terms of her dream to meet her current reality, but in no time the similarities would fade.

Feeling more confident and decidedly less shaky, she headed back towards her desk. From across the bullpen, she watched as Ryan left his spot near the murder board with a manila folder open in front of him as he walked. The calm that her walk had instilled instantly fled as he approached his desk and she knew without looking to Esposito what was going to happen next.

Slightly numb and frozen in place, she noted the movement as Esposito slipped his foot out into Ryan's path at the last second. She waited for him to stumble over the extended limb, actually hoped he would. Against her normal soft spot with the younger and most often easiest target of both Esposito and Castle, she willed him to fall flat on his face, wished for it with everything in her.

Unfortunately, just as in the dream, she watched as Ryan gracefully hopped over the extended foot. He spun casually as he landed; closing the file folder he had been reading in the same motion, he smacked Esposito across the back of the head with it.

It was like watching a movie she'd seen before. Where in the dream she had found the entire exchange amusing, now she just felt that familiar sinking in her stomach and a sudden urge to go home, climb into bed, pull a blanket over her head and not come out again until the world righted itself. Still, she heard Castle's laugh and it pulled her back to the reason that was a bad idea.

"You were right, Esposito." Castle remarked as he turned his phone towards the detectives and shook it in a mocking gesture. "That's going to look great on YouTube."

"Very funny, Castle." Esposito gritted out as Ryan continued on his original path out of the bullpen. He was headed down to check some records in storage if she remembered correctly. He was about to find the files that would lead them to the killer. Esposito's lunge towards the writer snapped her out of her contemplation as she heard him say, "Delete it, or else." as he came to a stop in front of Castle and glowered down at him.

"Nah," Rick remarked as he slipped his phone in his pocket, "I might find myself in need of leverage someday."

This had been the point where she intervened to tell them to stop goofing off and get back to work, but instead she waited to see how things played out if she took herself out of the equation. She knew it was more than a little ridiculous to pin her hopes of things being any different on her lack of response, but she didn't have anything else to go by and it seemed a workable theory.

"Bro, you know I got enough dirt on you that you'd never be able to leverage me." Esposito responded, suddenly cocky and she wondered what kind of 'dirt' he could possibly have on her partner.

"So," Castle responded with a sly grin, "We'll just call this insurance."

She finally allowed her still unsteady feet to carry her the last several feet to her desk where she sank down heavier than she normally would. Esposito slinked away as if catching a hint of her mental instability and deciding he didn't want anything to do with it.

Sudden warmth against her hand, where it rested on the desk, had her eyes rising from the blank stare she had been giving the corner of her desk. A momentary glance at Castle's hand atop hers brought her gaze fully up to meet concerned blue eyes. "Are you alright?" he asked, his tone soft and carefully neutral.

She seriously considered his question for a moment, her gaze slipping back to the comfort he was cautiously offering her and her mind spiraling back to her inability to comfort him in his final seconds of life. Seemingly without her consent, her head shook side to side slowly, her first moment of actual honesty with him the entire morning.

Kate's eyes stayed locked on their hands as his shifted to more fully cover hers and she felt the light pressure of a gentle squeeze. She didn't know if he was trying to get her to look up or if he was simply trying to lend her strength. If it was the first, he failed because she wasn't prepared to admit publicly that she had either gone insane or stepped into the Twilight Zone. If it was the second, he still fell short, because his fingers grasping her hand, no matter how gentle, simply reminded her of the way he had clung to her shirt as he drowned in his own blood.

She suddenly pulled her hand from his and stood, rounding her desk to lean against the edge and look at the murder board. There wasn't anything new to see, she had committed it to memory over the past week as bodies continued to pile up. She knew, however, that if she was going to snap out of this, she needed to focus. She had to get her mind in gear and shift her attention to some small trivial detail so that she could breathe for a minute and clear her mind.

She registered the movement as he came around to join her. Castle kept a respectable distance, not that he'd ever respected boundaries on personal space, but he was far enough not to be crowding and still close enough that he could pitch his voice low. It allowed for the conversation to stay between them and not travel through the bullpen. "We should take a walk." He suggested, "It's not too early to go get lunch."

Kate shook her head, "We're about to break the case."

"Right. No lunch until we get a break." his tone completely devoid of emotion. "So we'll eat tomorrow sometime?" Castle asked, his sarcasm clear, but false and used simply as a cover for his concern and confusion.

"Here comes Ryan now." she said, gesturing towards the approaching detective with a tilt of her chin. "Let's get through these files, and then we'll eat." She finally relented, knowing he wouldn't be satisfied with a general timeline, but a specific one he would grant her without argument.

She knew what would happen once they started breaking into the case files. She watched ten minutes later as Castle picked up and started to flip through the file she remembered from her dream. She knew he'd make an intuitive leap to lead them to their suspect and she was almost tempted to just snatch it out of his hand.

She just couldn't bring herself to letting him get away. If she really was going to live this day again she was going to live it as close to the dream as possible, because that would give her the advantage of knowing exactly where the suspect was going to be at the moment they breached his apartment.

Sure enough, Castle brightened as he pointed something in the file out and she pretended that she actually needed to read it. The back and forth started and she felt herself living in a land of déjà vu to the extreme as they built theory based on Castle's avenger scenario. Suspect in sights, she left Ryan and Esposito to gather whatever evidence they could in order to obtain a warrant and offered to bring them back lunch for the effort.

She had maintained her level head through the morning and was actually proud that she hadn't given in to the desire to just blurt out all she knew or thought she did. With the fear that tomorrow she'd have to face the backlash of whatever she said or did today mixed with a desire not to be locked in a psych ward or endlessly teased by her fellow detectives, she had talked herself back into keeping things bottled up.

It was almost over now, less than eight hours and they'd be done. Everything would have been put right, and she didn't need to irrevocable change things by dragging someone else into this mess. Now, she just had to figure out a way to get Castle off her case and she might actually make it through this.

As they waited for the elevator he regarded her with a questioning expression, obviously wondering if they would be picking the conversation up where they had.

"Any chance you're going to drop this?" she asked, taking in his expression from the corner of her eye without turning her head. His mouth was set in a firm line as if he didn't appreciate her even asking to evade a discussion about whatever seemed to be bothering her. Some part of her wanted to tell him more than she wanted her next breath of air, but the calm rational portion of her mind easily informed her that it was patently absurd.

"If that's what you need." he finally responded, his tone sincere despite his obvious curiosity. They stood in silence as the elevator arrived and the doors slid open in front of them.

"If I need something, but ask you not to push or crack jokes, or even mention that I asked," she started as they stepped into the empty lift and he pushed the button for the ground floor, "Would you still give it to me?"

"Yes." he answered without hesitation almost before she could finish the question.

She couldn't help a small, relieved chuckle at that. The extremely vivid and memorable nature of her dream paled. Even the overwhelming feeling of dread she had woken with this morning faded in the face of his obvious willingness to do whatever she needed from him. Even with the conditions she had laid on the request and with no indication of what it might be.

She would have missed having someone in her life that was willing to do whatever she needed without question. She knew there was obviously a line on what she could ask him, but he had enough faith in her to understand she'd never ask him to do something that was against his basic character.

As soon as the doors were firmly closed she reached out to him as she'd wanted to do since she woke up this morning to realize that none of it had been real. Grasping a fistful of his lapel, she pulled him towards her as she took a step in his direction. Confusion was the dominant expression being conveyed by the familiar blue eyes, so she turned her head so as not to have to see that and buried her face in the crook of her neck as she wrapped her free arm around his midsection.

She felt the tension in his stance as he seemed to be thrown completely by the gesture and she almost laughed because it was absurd enough that it made sense he was confused. She wasn't the type to seek physical comfort, especially from him. Moral comfort, emotional comfort, comedic relief, these were all things he gave her on a nearly daily basis. Her reaching out to him physically had to have his mind spinning with thoughts of pod-people and evil clones. So, yes, the mental image of the utter confusion that was probably washing all the boyish charm from his normally jovial expression almost made her laugh.

The situation, her inner thoughts, hiding from the memories, fighting against his confused reality she had suddenly found herself in, did not allow that laughter to escape. Instead, she pulled in a slow steadying breath. By the time her lungs were filled to bursting with air that smelled of him, he had relaxed in her arms. She reveled in the moment. She finally allowed her mind a moment to acknowledge the man she had grown so accustomed to that she hadn't realized that she would miss his own unique scent. It was the span of two seconds before his arms surrounded her and pulled her flush against him.

The gentle squeeze encouraged her to release the precious air from her lungs and she was surprised at the shaky exhalation that stuttered from her lips and across that V of skin that was exposed by him having that one extra button open. She realized that she would have missed how much she always wanted to reach over and fasten that button.

It wasn't until she felt the elevator slow for arrival and she pulled herself away from him that she realized he had been breathing soft reassurances into her hair. The skin on her scalp tightened slightly at the change in temperature of her scalp cooling after his breath had heated it as he spoke.

She hadn't heard a word of it as she savored a moment she had thought lost to her just a few hours before as she slowly woke. Now, however, reality was pushing its way back in and she was forced to compose herself and take a step back as the elevator stopped and the doors finally opened. She was too worried about what she might see in his eyes to look at him, instead striding purposefully out of the precinct and onto the street.

He'd followed her, of course, after just a few short steps and kept pace with her long and determined strides. She ignored his gaze as she set an unconscious path towards the sandwich shop a couple blocks from the 12th that they had decided on in her dream. She was surprised that he didn't have a million questions flying at her, but she wouldn't have been able to answer any of them so she was also glad for the time to regain a little perspective. Unfortunately, all her perspective earned her was the knowledge that it was more than a little selfish to have asked him for that concession.

She knew what she'd 'seen' in her dream, how it had made her feel. She had even been startled awake with the same gut-wrenching fear and self-loathing, but she shouldn't be putting it on him. She shouldn't be doing anything today that would change the course of her vision because she was certain she could get the drop on their killer while making Castle keep his distance and after today was over she could deal with things in the 'real' world instead of wherever her apparently tainted mind had taken her.

She was cut out of her reverie by his hand firmly clasping her upper arm and pulling her off the main sidewalk into an alley she hadn't even noticed. The action and overt aggression implied in it were enough to draw her eyes to his. The reprimand died in her throat as she found herself shocked silent by the level of concern that seemed to radiate from every inch of his face and his intense stare. The expression was enough to confirm that she never should have pushed him and she tried to dislodge her arm without the effort of physical violence because it was her own fault that he was so confused about her actions today.

"Kate, please, just, wait a minute." he asked fervently, as close to begging as she'd ever heard him. That tone combined with the look in his eyes was going to do her in and once she spilled the beans he would think she was crazy, everyone would think she was crazy.

Instead, she decided to squeeze her eyes shut so he wouldn't have the benefit of a visual arsenal to use against her. "No, Castle." she interrupted before he could go on. Surprised at the rough quality of her voice. "Please don't push today, ok?"

She felt the warm, gentle glide of skin against her cheek and it shocked her enough that her eyes opened. He was startlingly close to her, his blue eyes boring into her own with an intensity that made the deep blue nearly unrecognizable. "Tomorrow?" he asked as his palm curved around her cheek, fingers brushing against her ear as his thumb moved slowly across her cheekbone and then stopped.

She nodded in response, telling herself it was because she didn't trust talk about tomorrow until she actually saw him survive the day. However, she was more than a little aware that it was just as much in order to feel the brush of his fingers on her skin as she moved.

His eyes didn't break from hers and seemed to get more intense as he searched her expression, apparently checking whether this was truth or a brush off. He seemed to find his answer and with a small smile and an even smaller nod of acceptance for her terms, he dropped his hand from her and took a step back.

x.x.x

A/N: Thank you for all the words of encouragement to continue this work. I'm typing now from my niece's hospital room. She had an emergency appendectomy and will be here for three to five days. I'll spend a while in here this weekend in order for my sister to go to work and when she needs to eat. While my niece is sleeping I'll be able to work, but otherwise I'll be very busy.

Review that made my day: **KSA**, for being prepared for me to torture you. While that is not my intention and I'm not sure how much torture will come, knowing me there will be some and then not and then more. I like writing because it's fun and the things I find exciting are the same things you all seem to love/hate reading. I guess we'll see how this plays out.

I always love hearing all of your theories. It's fascinating to see how so many people can think the same thing or how many different interpretations you all have for the foreshadowing.

Thanks for reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

**6:18pm**

The drive to the apartment that they had tied to their suspect, Thomas Kearns, was tense. Beckett had been unable to successfully get Castle to stay behind and was casting occasional glances his way as she drove. She didn't know where to start and it appeared he wasn't willing to let her out of his sight after her mini-breakdown earlier in the day.

As a result, she was scrambling for a reason, any reason, that she could keep him in the car. She was just formulating a solution as she rounded the now familiar corner and Kearns' building came into sight at the end of the block. "I need you to stay in the car this time, Castle." she informed him, hoping that her tone was more stern than she heard it in her head. She felt the anxiety of what they were about to face and she had to do something to ensure he wouldn't go against her command and wind up in danger again.

"No way." was his instant response and she knew that if she had held it together a little more today he wouldn't be so fervent in staying by her side when she requested it. He might have whined or complained, but he wouldn't have outright denied it. His next words made her slightly nauseous. "You're distracted. I'd feel better if I could watch your back."

Thoughts of how he had been first to see the shooter and sacrificed himself for her instantly filled her mind with thoughts of those last few seconds of his life. She was glad that she had pulled to a stop before he'd had a chance to finish speaking, because she wasn't sure she'd be the best candidate for traffic safety at the moment.

"I'm serious." She told him, feeling another inexplicable urge to just tell him everything. A glance at the clock on her dash and the knowledge that Ryan and Esposito had gotten stuck behind a delivery driver still only gave her a couple of minutes. There wasn't time to explain. "If you want to finish that conversation tomorrow that we started earlier, you'll stay put." She elaborated and watched the conflict on his features.

Her stomach was knotted with the knowledge that the key point in that statement was the word tomorrow, something that if he went upstairs with her he wasn't going to have. She wouldn't put it passed him to wait until they had disappeared inside and then sneak out to follow them despite her protests. It wouldn't have been the first time.

He seemed to weigh the options against his previous point of her being distracted and needing someone to watch her back. She noticed the moment he'd made up his mind and she knew instantly that he would rather never know what had been bothering her all day if it meant he got to see her survive this raid. "Please, Castle." She implored him and didn't miss the startled look that flashed across his face; obviously she had shocked him with a tone that was near enough to begging.

He looked away, staring out the window as if in heated debate with himself over the correct response to this request. She was glad for the moment saved from his unrelenting gaze as she felt her hold on her emotions slipping a little further away the longer she fought to keep him in the car and safe. She watched the clock click over another minute and knew that she was almost out of time for Ryan and Esposito's arrival.

"What will it cost?" she asked finally in exasperation as he continued to stare out the window without a response. She spotted the brown truck in her mirror, two blocks down and knew the detectives were going to be behind it.

Castle's gaze shifted to her again, this time a teasing smile tugged at the left corner of his mouth. "Are you trying to bribe me, Detective?" he inquired, his tone dripping with mock indignation.

"Will it work?" she asked carefully, watching the new battle in his eyes.

"Will you stick with the guys up there?"

She nodded in response to his question; she couldn't form words as she watched the two men in question closing in with their car. In less than a minute she would have lost the ability to argue this point any further. The thought of making it this far just to have him follow her upstairs and repeat her nightmare was enough to nearly render her incapable of breath, much less speech.

"A date." He said simply, settling into his seat as if he were getting comfortable for a long wait.

"Excuse me?" she asked, brain still racing with prior images and the sound of Castle's blood gurgling in his throat as he grasped at her in a final attempt to hang on to something in his last moments. She couldn't fit that image with whatever those two words from him had meant.

"You know," he responded, his smile teasing, his tone lighter than she'd heard it since their conversation earlier in the alley, "I wear a suit, you wear a dress. . ." his voice trailed off, eyebrows raised slightly and she finally got it.

He was good. He knew she'd never go for it and he was pushing to stay on the take down. With a roll of her eyes that she hoped was more convincing than her failure to produce a casual tone, "And what exactly would that consist of?" she inquired. Giving him a chance or taking him up on one of his offers had been something that haunted her in the hours after his death. It had been the single biggest regret of the time that had gotten cut short.

Her words seemed to shock him, but he covered it quickly enough. "We eat dinner. You laugh at all my jokes. I pretend to listen to what you're saying. Maybe there's some dancing. You know, the usual date stuff." he was apparently having the same difficulty with faking a casual tone and his joke would have fallen flat between them if her eyes hadn't drifted to the side mirror.

She spotted the guys as they pulled up and watched the passenger door open a moment before the driver's door did. There wasn't long now. Panic and anticipation warred for the dominant feeling coursing through her and she let the smile win as she extended her hand to shake on it, "Deal." she responded.

She felt a little thrill go through her at the smile that lit his face in that moment. It was instant and genuine, not at all the cocky, self-assured grin that she would have expected from him in this moment. His fingers circled hers and she thought he was shaking on their agreement until he brought her hand towards him. When his lips gently brushed the back of her hand she felt a shiver of anticipation race through her. For a moment she let herself wonder exactly what she had gotten herself into, but it was fleeting as she considered the alternative. "Deal." he agreed, his tone huskier than usual as he finally released her hand.

"Stay in the car." she reminded him as she opened her door and stepped out.

"Stay safe." he shot back with another grin and then relaxed back in his seat as if preparing for a long stay.

Satisfied that he was actually going to listen to her, she started towards the building, meeting the other two detectives at the front entry. Her eyes fell on the fire escape hanging off to the right of the front doors and she wondered if she should have parked somewhere that Castle wouldn't be tempted to chase after the suspect if he did manage to evade them and make it out of the building in the same manner as in her dream. Shaking it off, because they would be ready and because he had promised, she headed inside with Ryan and Esposito following behind.

Her heart was pounding and she could feel the beads of sweat forming on her brow. Unventilated stairwells in the summer time had to be one of her least favorite parts of being a detective, but it wasn't the heat that was getting to her. The knowledge that they were about to right the wrong she had been shown was enough to have her feeling the pressure. She maintained a level head as they rounded the last flight of stairs and carefully exited onto Kearns' floor.

Thirteen steps, she counted them from the stairway to the door and almost laughed as her mind was sidetracked with conflicting arguments on whether thirteen was a lucky or unlucky number. Castle was of the opinion that it was lucky, so she let that be a sign that all was about to be righted.

She knew nothing would come of knocking and waited for Esposito to kick in the door. She helped them quickly sweep the living room and the open kitchen before they all headed towards where she knew their suspect would be. She had made a promise to Castle and she planned to keep it, but she knew they were a few seconds behind the entry time she and Castle had to the room.

It wasn't a surprise as they braced to sweep the room that she heard the crash of glass breaking as their suspect made his way onto the fire escape. She knew where to look as soon as they filed into the room and her gun moved smoothly to point directly out the window at Kearns. She realized that it was the first time she had seen him in anything other than his DMV photo and was surprised at the scraggly hair and the thick stubble covering his jaw.

Beckett didn't have long to evaluate his appearance as she watched him start to raise his gun to train it on her. Everything seemed to slow in that instant as her overwhelming desire to put a bullet through his forehead was beat out by her need for a more basic kind of justice. She pulled off two shots quickly, striking his wrist and forearm. The impact of the bullets tearing through his flesh was enough to cause his gun to fall uselessly at his feet and the sudden shock of pain sent him reeling backwards.

She watched, frozen in her spot as he backed heavily against the waist high railing of the fire escape. Her mind had started spinning a million miles an hour from the moment they stepped through the door and now was no exception as her eyes fell on the utility belt slung heavily across his hips. He teetered from the impact and she watched in dazed horror as he tipped off the balcony. His arms flailed a moment and that movement caused his jacket to open further. She finally recognized the importance of the bulky accessory around his waist at the same instant that he stopped fighting it and fell over the side. Ryan and Esposito apparently noticed at the same moment as Esposito tried to drag her away from the window and Ryan shouted, "Get down!"

Surprised at herself, she instantly pried Esposito's arm from her with a firm twist of his wrist that spun him ninety degrees before a firm hand on his shoulder shoved him away from her. Everything had happened so quickly that she made it through the jagged, broken window in time to look down at Kearns falling to the street below.

Her eyes instantly moved to her car, parked only a few feet from the base of the fire escape. She could just make out the outline of Castle sitting in the driver's seat. He was apparently using her steering wheel and dash as a drum set as he waited for them to get back, completely oblivious of the man about to hit the sidewalk.

She watched with a sickening twisted gut as Kearns hit the ground an instant before the immediate vicinity was engulfed in a fireball. The sound of the blast came a split second after the visual, but it seemed to take much longer as she watched the concussive blast tear through her car's windows, smash across the metal surfaces and impact with enough force to blow her car onto its side into oncoming traffic.

She didn't think as overwhelming nausea hit her and she started down the fire escape as quickly as her feet would carry her, ignoring the calls from Ryan and Esposito above her. She gave up on her feet being too slow and, ignoring the burn of metal friction against her palms, she used a loose grip against the handrails to slide down, lifting her feet and stumbling only occasionally. She hit the bottom and kicked out the safety latches, dropping the ladder and sliding down that as well.

She was running for her car as soon as her feet hit the ground, but she didn't miss the massive destruction that Kearns' bomb had left in his wake. The front of the building they had just gone into was now completely devoid of glass, the bricks cracked and crumbling. There was a car smoldering as the seats burned. People were running and screaming, traffic at a complete standstill. She noticed it all, but pushed it away. She knew any injuries or deaths would be on her for trying to change something, for fighting against a fate that wasn't her to mess with.

On shaky legs, Kate finally reached her car, rounding into the street in order to get a look inside. Hot tears were finally released as she focused on wide, sightless, blue eyes through the shattered windshield. He hadn't been buckled in the driver's seat and the impact of the blast left him sprawled half in and half out of the car. Heedless of the potential danger, she approached him, moving his head and shoulders into her lap as she settled onto the ground. There was nothing left for her to do now. She had failed him. Even with a chance to right things, she had failed.

The ache in her chest turned into a deep welling void as she allowed her mind to replay the vision of his smile as she accepted his terms just a few short minutes ago. That was where Ryan and Esposito found her several minutes later. Her tears falling silently on his face as her hand brushed across his hair. She hadn't been able to bring herself to close his eyes. Despite the fact that there was no sign or hint of the light or exuberance he normally showed in them, she knew this would be the last time she'd ever get to see them and some deep, dark, morbid part of her knew enough to relish this moment.

She almost threw up as the thought became a real and tangible statement in her mind. Savoring any part of his death was sick. She knew that. She knew there was nothing of him left here, but she couldn't pull herself away, she couldn't let him go, and she couldn't bring herself to close off the one part of him that had never hidden from her or allowed her to hide from him.

10:42pm

With sore muscles as the leading cause, though red, swollen eyes and exhaustion were factors as well, she finally allowed herself to crawl into bed. The aftermath of losing Castle had been far more trying the second time around. Ryan and Esposito were torn up, but at least this time she stuck around for them. Her tears were silent and the fact that she had already been through this once before was enough to leave her a little less shell shocked by the events.

Lanie arrived at the scene and pulled them all to her, something Kate had missed in running away that first time. Her friend, normally talkative and more than a little pushy, simply grasped Esposito's hand through the debriefings and tried to engage Kate in a round of conversation without saying a word. She knew her eyes gave away her pain, but she brushed off everyone's concerns, especially Lanie's. The last thing she needed was to spill the beans on how easily she could have stopped this.

The knowledge that she could have prevented it weighed even more heavily on her now than it had in her dreams. The thought that in trying to prevent one man's death she had inadvertently caused the deaths of four others, one of which was a six year old girl, and led to the injury of over a dozen more was enough to tempt her to the bottle. She wasn't able to finish her drink, however, and had given up on trying to wash the pain away in a haze.

Instead, she embraced the knowledge. Kate let the facts wash over her as if baptism in her own cruel thoughts would resurrect anything but a deeper pain. This was all her own selfish fault for wanting to keep him with her when she had been told it was his time. Instead of fighting against it she should have embraced the last day they had together.

As she continued to deride and second guess herself, her exhaustion finally pulled her into unconsciousness. She would have been grateful for the dark nothingness that her night's sleep provided. However, she wasn't appreciative of anything in that moment, because even in slumber she knew that the morning would bring with it a whole new set of problems.

x.x.x

A/N: WAIT! Before you fill my inbox with hate mail, go back and read the author's note from chapter 1 to know that this fic is NOT. I don't want to give too much away, but at the same time I don't want to be chased down with electronic torches and pitchforks. If you have a specific question or would rather be spoiled than wait for the next chapter, then feel free to say so and I'll send you a response to clear things up (just a bit, not too much because I can't give the whole thing away that would be cruel to both of us). Meanwhile, if you know what's about to happen, buckle up we're just getting started.

In other news, my niece got out of the hospital today from the appendectomy and my sister went in, so apparently when it rains it pours. I just got her call that she's heading home, so it's off to bed for me.

Review that made my day: **daphnebeauty**, you crack me up. "Bust in like the Kool-Aid man." Oh, Yeah! Your brain is awesome. Have I told you lately that I totally love the things that come out of your mind?

Thanks for reading.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

**Tuesday**

**5:45am**

The incessant beeping drew her from sleep into an instant recollection of her failures.

With a speed and precision honed by years of martial arts and hand to hand combat training, Beckett's arm shot out from beneath the covers. She skipped the snooze button this morning, instead opting for a brutal yank that tugged the cord from the outlet with enough force to bend one of the prongs to a nearly ninety degree angle. A deep rumble in her throat that she refused to acknowledge was a growl escaped her lips and grew in pitch as she flung the offending item across the room.

Kate was almost disappointed when the clock didn't shatter in a flurry of plastic bits. Instead, on impact the face busted off flying away from the wall as the rest of the device fell to the ground with a dull, less than satisfying, thump. Groaning in frustration that probably wouldn't have been relieved even with an explosive display of her frustration and anger, Beckett pulled her blanket over her head and hoped that sleep would take her back into blissful oblivion.

She didn't want to get out of bed; she didn't want to go anywhere that she might have to face people who she was illogically certain would see the guilt of her failure clearly in her face. She had no desire to wake up, but the choice, like so many things, had been taken from her the moment her alarm sounded.

A vague half consciousness engulfed her as she tried, unsuccessfully, to brush off thoughts of her failure from the previous day. Time passed without her conscious recollection of it, and surprisingly she found herself with no more tears at her disposal a couple short hours later.

Finally throwing off her blankets, she slipped out of bed, stumbling slightly at the shock of unexpected pain in her feet. Something about that and it's cruel reminder of how she'd woken the day before had her instantly frustrated. The tension didn't ease as she made her way to the kitchen.

As if on auto-pilot, she began to make coffee, her body moving through the familiar routine without consulting her in the act. It wasn't until the scent wafted up to meet her that her mind seemed to switch back into full focus. Sudden nausea gripped her and she was overcome with the irrational thought that she'd never be able to enjoy coffee again without thinking of him.

The ridiculousness of that thought didn't keep her from lashing out in a concrete manner and sweeping the percolator off her counter. The plastic coffee maker cracked against her kitchen floor. There was a satisfying sound as the glass pot, with just those first few dribbles of coffee in it, shattered explosively a split second later. If she hadn't been barefoot she'd have given the machine a kick for good measure.

She was distracted on her way to the hall closet for cleaning supplies when her eyes fell on her bookcase. Seeing his name in large white letters along the spines of an entire shelf on her bookcase seemed to draw her involuntarily to them. She didn't realize what she wanted until she'd reached the shelves and pulled one free. Flipping it over immediately to see his picture on the dust jacket, she took in the familiar face of a man she had seen with few exceptions nearly every day for years.

His hair was a little mussed, slight hint of scruff on his face, impeccable pinstriped charcoal grey suit. His eyebrow was slightly cocked up on the same side a half smirk graced his lips, but looking on it only made her feel hollow. It was fake. It was wrong. The grey suit and plain backdrop made his eyes look more dark grey than the deep blue she wanted to remember. That color that he got in his eyes when a real smile lit his face, not this fake playboy look. It was wrong, it was all wrong.

Without a thought, she threw it, wanting to get it far away from her. It was just a simple flick of the wrist as if she was throwing a Frisbee, but it didn't move light and graceful as a Frisbee would. She watched the book spin one hundred and eighty degrees as if it were going to do just that, but then the cover was forced back and the pages fluttered a moment before it glanced off her tableside lamp and dropped to the floor with a muted thump.

Her eyes continued to watch as in almost slow motion, her lamp teetered for a moment before following the book to the floor. There was that sound again, that satisfying sound of something breaking. It felt right to her ears. It made more sense that there be auditory accompaniment to the breaking she was feeling within herself, but the satisfaction was fleeting.

As the last of the echoes faded from her ears, she turned back towards the bookshelf, looking for that fleeting feeling again. In a fit of anger she swept across the shelf, sending multiple books cascading to the floor at her feet. It took a second swipe before the she was clear, save for one that leaned slowly and then dropped against the shelf. His face gazed up at her from the book's position and she moved to fling that last one to the floor before she realized which one it was and her hand stopped on the surface.

It was that same fake smile, the same wrong color in his eyes staring up from their first book, the excuse that had brought them together in the first place. She knew now that it wasn't the reason that they still worked together, probably never was, but it was the beginning. She couldn't help but wonder how she had let things get so far that he willingly walked into danger with her every day. It wasn't his job. It wasn't his place.

She had failed him by being unable to keep him safe, especially after she had been given what could only be considered a miracle in her peak of their day. Having seen and known, she should have done everything in her power to get him to stay home or done something, anything to stop it. Not only did she not protect him, but because of her attempt to do just that, she had allowed others to die with him.

In this moment, however, looking down at the cover of that book, she only wanted one thing. She just wanted to see his eyes the way they lit up when he was actually happy, not posing for a photographer. Frustrated, she tightened her hold on the book and threw it against the wall. It hit with a thump and smack satisfactorily against the floor. A moment later, there was a thumping against her floor that signified that her neighbor below was none too pleased with the noise.

Her back found a wall near the bookshelf and she slid down it, curling her knees into her chest and wrapping her arms around them as if hugging them close to her would restore the heat that seemed to leave her body and leave her numb from the night before. Her eyes fell on the scattered books, disheveled dust jackets, and that familiar face. She was breathless with the want to see him as she'd known him in his lightest moments.

Her tears fell silently for several minutes as she stared blankly at various shots of the same pose, Castle through the years. A sudden thought struck her and a sound somewhere between a sob and a laugh escaped her lips. A few weeks before, Castle had been in a playful mood and he'd sent her a picture text of him and Alexis at their favorite ice cream spot. It was his way of taunting her for declining the offer to join them.

Now, as much as she could look back on that moment and regret not having just said, "Sure, ice cream sounds good." she could also look back and think about the bright smile that had lit their faces over heaping bowls of ice cream. She scrambled to her feet, nearly frantic in her desire to see that light in his eyes.

Kate rushed to her room, nearly overwhelmed with the thought that perhaps her phone wouldn't be where she always put it, maybe the picture would be gone and she'd be left with nothing. She found her phone in the same spot she always kept it and held it tightly in her grasp, letting a calming breath rise in her chest and slowly release through her lips.

Taking the moment to breathe, she forced herself to a more sedate pace, she moved to her bed and slowly climbed onto the rumpled blankets, scooting back to prop herself against the head board. Finally flipping the phone open she absently noted that it was almost 7:45 and it had been nearly two hours since she woke.

It felt as if so much longer had past and as if no time at all had. Flipping the phone open, she scrolled her message and found the picture, pulling it up and smiling through her tears as she finally saw the deep blue eyes sparkling at her. His smile was bright and carefree. The thought sent a fresh wave of guilt through her, especially as her eyes focused on his daughter.

Alexis.

The name rattled around in her head and she had the sudden thought that she should pull herself together, because that girl was going through a lot worse than Beckett at the moment and she should try and find a way to ease this pain for her. Unfortunately, Beckett knew exactly how it felt to lose a parent as a teenager, and that gave her an inside look into the fact that nothing she could do or say would make this easier for Alexis.

A gasp escaped her as something that had been tickling at her mind since she'd opened her phone came barreling to the fore. With shaking hands, she quickly exited the picture, moving to the menu screen and letting her eyes fall on the date. She wondered if she was going crazy as her mind began to spin, leaving her breathless and slightly dizzy as her fingers moved almost automatically to pull in the familiar speed dial.

A moment later her breath caught in her throat as the line began to ring and an involuntary sob caught in her throat as his familiar voice came on the line, "Hey, Beckett, I'm just leaving the coffee shop now, be there in twenty, unless another body dropped."

The sob broke free at his casual greeting and she fought not to drop the phone right then.

"Kate?" he sounded concerned, but she couldn't catch her breath enough to find a response as her mind reeled with the shock of whatever strange perversion of reality she found herself in. It was Tuesday again and Castle was alive. "Kate, what's wrong?" he sounded like he was starting to panic.

She tried to speak, tried to tell him nothing was wrong now, but a small noise escaped her before another relieved sob pulled air into her lungs, though it seemed to burn as it entered.

"Kate, talk to me! Where are you?" He was starting to sound frantic.

That tone somehow snapped her out of wherever she was long enough to reply, "Home." but it sounded strained to her own ears, broken and weary.

"Ten minutes, Kate, ok?" she hear the rustle of fabric, sounds of the street, cars in the back ground. When his voice came back on, he sounded slightly winded as if he was moving swiftly. "If you can hear me, I'll be there in ten minutes."

The reassurance along with the obvious sound of a car door closing and him passing her address to a cab driver had her settled in the knowledge that she was completely and utterly insane.

She didn't end the call, but she let her phone fall down into her lap as she stared at the screen and listened to the muted sound of Castle's comforting words. If she was dreaming a second chance, she hoped she didn't wake up before he got there, because even if it was all in her head, she'd like to see him standing in front of her again.

x.x.x

A/N: Wow! I was so worried about writing this story because of the easy potential to be misunderstood before we even got into it and I was genuinely Blown Away by how many of you truly got it. Days will be getting longer now that we know what's going on.

If you said Groundhog Day, you hit my inspirational nail on the head. Something about a line in the Nickelback song about how you can't rewind a moment sparked the brain, thoughts of rewinding had me thinking of Groundhog Day which my cousin watched fifty times the year it came out on video and, naturally, everything in my brain ties back to Castle eventually, so here we are. And that is your little peak into the random way my brain works. Scary, isn't it?

Review that made my day: **Peachy-x**, you make me smile. I'm sorry I made you bang your head against the wall.

Thanks for reading.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Kate's hands shook as she gripped the phone tighter and, on wobbly legs, made her way out to the living room. The quiet sound of Rick through the phone was soothing, but it didn't relieve the aching pressure in her chest. Something told her not to cling too tightly to this bit of hope, because any moment she was going to wake up back in the reality of his death.

Beckett grasped that little bit of hope and moved towards the door, unlocking it and pulling it open to look outside into her hall. There was no one and she felt like a fool. It had only been a couple of minutes and he'd told her ten, but at the same time it was as if the lack of movement in her hall signified her worst fears. Had she been dreaming a chance to see him again, he would have been there when she swung the door open.

Kate didn't notice when she absently ended the call, and she stared at the small device when it instantly rang in her hands. Finding a wall near the door, she sank down against it and stared at the familiar number calling her, taunting her with hope she shouldn't have. Kate stared at her phone, listening to the ringing until it stopped again and again; she counted eight calls before the pounding started.

At first, she thought her downstairs neighbor had started pounding on his ceiling again and almost told him to shove it; she hadn't made noise in several minutes. Something about the way her back vibrated told her it was the door and not the floor. As she slowly climbed to her feet, intent on answering what was probably Lanie checking up on her mentally unstable grief stricken friend, she heard a voice that stopped her several feet from her goal.

"Kate, open the door!" Castle's voice was muffled through the solid wood barrier, but it carried enough weight to have her moving again. Slow, careful step that took her close enough to reach for the handle, but she hesitated as he became more persistent. "I'm serious, if you don't open this door right now I'm going to kick it in."

Beckett almost laughed at the ludicrous statement. She wasn't stupid, that was a sturdy door with a reinforced frame and would take more than a kick to get through, but somehow, she knew that a door wouldn't stop him from entering, wouldn't stop this nightmare from playing out.

Her heart thudded in anticipation for what horror might greet her once the door came open. Kate knew it was only a matter of time and she just wondered which Castle apparition would greet her then. Would she find herself face to face with him bleeding endless seas of red from the gunshot to his throat or the cold empty eyes and mangled body after the explosion?

Beckett felt the fear manifest in a tremble that seemed to sweep her entire body as her breath quickened with her heart rate. Slowly, she watched the handle turn as if he were testing it and she suddenly remembered not locking it back up after herself. Her hand dropped away from its reach towards the knob and she took two quick, unsteady steps backwards. The handle stopped turning and then the door pushed open just a crack that left her feeling decidedly disappointed, because it didn't have to be a nightmare, perhaps he would look fine once he stepped through the door.

She heard him call out, "I'm coming in." and absently noted that even in his apparent panic he was showing her the courtesy of a warning. A moment later, he cautiously stepped into her apartment, eyes instantly finding hers, though it was not difficult with her having been almost directly in front of his point of entry. Her feet seemed locked in place and she almost cried again in the relief of him standing before her looking unharmed.

The first thing she noticed was his shirt, that blue shirt again, the same one from her dream. Kate waited for the moment when blood started to poor down it and turn the fabric a deep purple. Nothing happened, and she finally brought her eyes up to meet his.

They weren't grey and lifeless as she had feared; they were burning with concern and confusion. He seemed immobilized just inside her doorway and she stopped wondering why things weren't as she feared and embraced the moment, taking a tentative step towards him and watching the confusion overpower the concern.

Standing in front of him, Kate brought a hand up, pausing for a long moment before allowing it to come into to contact with skin that was warm to the touch, not slack from death beneath her fingers. Kate looked on him with wonder as her fingers began to skim over his cheek, across his jaw and then back up again.

His flesh was warm beneath her touch, something she found surprising because she would have expected him to have cooled so many hours after his death. It wasn't until her touch trailed up past his temple and found the slickness of sweat along his brow that understanding fell into place. This was too real to be a dream, she realized, just as her eyes fell on her own hands, uninjured from the friction burns of sliding down the rails on the fire escape.

Everything clicked and for a moment she felt a little ridiculous for her hysterics, especially as she took in the tense set of his shoulders, the questions and concern in his eyes. Kate felt the pull on all the tiny muscles as her eyes widened in understanding and a little bit of horror at what he must be thinking.

That expression seemed to snap him out of it and a single word slipped heavily into the room between them, "Kate." It was a plea, a question, a demand for answers, all swept up in a thick blanket of relief, probably at finding her alive after the call that, in hindsight, would likely have scared the crap out of her had their roles been reversed.

For the first time, she noticed his heavy breathing. It seemed to signified he'd likely run during the course of getting to her. His searching eyes seemed to scan her entirely for injury or illness. His shaking hands betrayed the fear behind the subtle smile he was trying to use to reassure her. Beckett took it all in and felt the now familiar grip of guilt. She had done this to him.

Kate tried to remember how it had all happened, but she'd felt as if she were in a numb fog since her mind registered it was Tuesday and her fingers dialed the number. She couldn't remember what either of them had said, but she knew it hadn't been anything reassuring for him. Of course not, she had actually, insanely, thought he was speaking to her from the grave or through some kind of nightmare.

Beckett never would have thought that any of it was real, not until this moment. It still wasn't making sense, but something in her was certain now that he was actually standing in front of her, not a figment of her tormented mind. Swallowing the sudden lump that rose in sympathy with his obvious distress she closed the space between them, closing her eyes against the new expression stealing his features.

She could easily deduce her stepping in to hug him would cause a moment of surprise. It had the day before or the today before, or however she was supposed to consider that day. This was an entirely more traumatizing situation for him and she felt genuinely sorry for having her mini-mental break at his expense.

This time, however, his arms didn't fall to the same confusion as his expression and they came around her more quickly, firmly holding her to him as he sighed. The sound seemed heavy with genuine relief as his breath warmed her where he'd dropped his head to her shoulder. He pulled her tighter against him and she felt a small ache as he shifted to rest his chin against her shoulder.

"You're shaking." he noted quietly as if he thought using his normal speaking tone might disturb the moment.

"You, too." she responded, because apparently they were taking a minute to state the obvious. She felt his arms loosen as he pulled slightly back to look at her.

Their eyes met for only a moment as he gave her a wry smile, "Yeah, well, I got this call. . ." his voice trailed off as he seemed to glance away to hide his embarrassment at his apparent over reaction. A moment later he'd gone completely rigid in her arms. There was a new twinge in her shoulders as his fingers bit into them almost painfully tight as he pushed her back to look at her more carefully. "What the hell happened in here?" he asked as if just noticing the destruction in her apartment.

It was her turn to try avoiding his gaze, but he was having none of it. With palms gently placed on either side of her face he guided her to look at him. Everything she had been feeling seemed to well in her as she looked on his eyes. They were soft and concerned. The confusion was still there, but he seemed more interested in knowing what he could do to help instead of trying to even make sense of any of this.

They had been sharing the gaze for several long seconds as she drank in the sight of this man she had once again worried she would never see again, when his eyes suddenly widened as if in comprehension. A moment later, his eyes were hard as stone and coldly fierce, but his face visibly paled in front of her. Almost instantly, his skin took on a sickly almost ashen grey that left her once again confused.

"Did someone. . ." he swallowed thickly as he apparently struggled to rein in his erratic breathing before he hyperventilated, "Did someone hurt you?"

It took her a moment to realize what he was asking her. She would have laughed, but was glad for the flash of understanding that dawned. If she were in his position with the trashed apartment and the woman trembling in his arms, nearly catatonic, she may have thought the same thing, especially considering how well he knew her and her inclination to bottle things in as an attempt to avoid being labeled as weak

"No," she replied, her hand finding a spot above his sternum to rest flat against his chest and register the strong pulse of his heart beneath her palm, "I'd really rather preserve what little semblance of sanity I have left and just forget this morning even happened." Her eyes dropped from him again.

"Not a chance, Beckett." He responded sharply, surprising her with the strength of the remark. His anger fed hers and she used the palm against his chest to push him away from her. He didn't go more than a small step backwards in giving her space; his fingers had slipped down to grip her upper arms, probably to prevent her from fleeing. "If you think that I'm going to just forget whatever the hell happened this morning, then you're out of your damn mind."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe that's the problem?" His confusion and cocked eyebrow asked her to continue, though she was more concerned with the slight drop of his eyelids as he glared at her. She hadn't been on the receiving end of his anger very often, but she knew, at least this time, it was a cover for his own panic this morning. "It really does feel like I'm losing my mind. It's just that I can't. . . I don't. . ."

She wasn't capable of finishing, nothing seemed like the right words to say and even if she found the words she wasn't sure she'd be able to say them without him pulling out his phone and calling for a transport to the loony bin. Frustration won out as the anger fell away. She tried to pull away from his grip on her arm, but it was a halfhearted move as tears came to her eyes again and he pulled opposite her struggle to move away and settled her against his chest. One hand came up to rest against her head as he held her there a moment.

Head turned, ear plastered to his chest slightly higher than his heart, she melted into him, savoring the sound of the steady, if slightly elevated, thumping rhythmically echoing through his chest. The beat of his heart was hollow, but loud and further reassured her that he was in fact there in front of her. Not just in front of her, but wrapped securely around her whispering nonsensical placation as if repeating that everything was going to be all right might actually turn that comment into reality.

With a sudden, restless ache, she knew what she wanted. She knew that she had to change this, had to fix it, prevent the tragedy, she just didn't know how. She wanted all of that, but she was convinced, now more than ever, that she wouldn't be getting that. As alternative thoughts about regrets and all that she'd miss out on flooded her, she found herself pushing at him again.

This time he relented, leaning back to let her shift her gaze up to meet his a moment before she leaned back into him. When her lips met his, it wasn't tentative or sweet as she had sometimes assumed their first real kiss would be, if they ever had one that wasn't just another bad idea to get out of a worse situation. Instead, it was filled with all the pent up feelings that had been released in her as her mind spiraled out of her control. She felt almost desperate in her want for him and was just about to let out a frustrated sound at his lack of response when one of his hands burrowed into her hair.

His grip against the back of her neck was strong and unwavering as he held her to him while his lips and tongue did as much frantic damage to her nerves as her own had done on their exploration a moment before. A moment later, he seemed to stumble slightly as he pulled away from her with obvious reluctance. Two steps back and he collided with the still slightly open door, taking another step and leaning heavily against her door as it clicked shut.

It was only a moment later that she followed him, pinning him to the surface at his back with her body against his. As she plundered his mouth and teased his tongue back into contact with her own, his response became nearly as fervent as her own and she let out a low moan when one of his hands dropped to her hip and pulled her against him more firmly.

It was only a few short seconds later when her trembling hands moved up to work on the buttons of his shirt, but she almost immediately found them trapped in a tight grip between his own hands, stopping her in her tracks. "What are you doing?"

It wasn't his most eloquent question, but under that circumstances, just fighting through the obvious confusion and painfully obvious desire, earned him points for effort. Even though it left her reeling from the now familiar grasp of anger that had overwhelmed her this morning. "Isn't this what you've wanted from me since day one?" she asked, frustration combining with her desperation to change something, anything about today allowed the phrase to slip out unfiltered.

"God Dammit, Kate," he practically yelled in response, his own anger apparently feeding off hers and then hers from him. She wondered absently if they would continue pissing each other off in advancing degrees until one or both of them exploded, "Not like this!"

She didn't know if she was more disappointed or confused by his reaction. The conflict must have registered on her face because his eyes softened as he brought the pads of his fingers up to gently brush across her furrowed brow. "Tell me what happened." It wasn't a question, it wasn't a command, but it was a statement as if her speaking was inevitable

"You'll think I'm crazy." she finally responded, as if taking strength from his tenderness and concern.

"It's a little late for that." he responded in a joking tone that was obviously forced. Unfortunately, the words fell between them like lead weights as neither smiled and she took a moment to swallow past the lump in her throat as she searched for the words to respond.

x.x.x

A/N: You all continue to amaze me. This talk was getting really wordy and dialogue heavy, so I chopped it here while I play with the rest of the scene. I hope it still reads smoothly for you all.

Review that made my day: **I'm Widget**, Who is still wigging out a little bit and it makes me sad, but excited for the journey all at the same time. Just for you, and anyone else who hasn't caught on 100% yet. Kate is reliving this Tuesday over and over and Castle is not dead.

To **Ssn04**, I update as soon as I'm done typing a chapter and editing it, lately it's 1 or 2am PST, so the editing is sub-par. I do not have any chapters written in advance, never use an outline and just go with the flow to get through my stories, so in the context of how long it will be, I guess we'll see. My finished stories have so far been between 33 and 47 chapters and average about 120,000 words. I'm thinking this will be a shorter one, but as my fingers keep moving that perception is changing every day. I know how it's going to end, but getting there is the adventure and it's as much a surprise to me as it is to you because all my work is just made up on the fly aside from the general story arc, straight out of my brain and onto the page, relatively unmolested by over thinking. Sorry, that was completely vague and evasive.

Thanks for reading.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

Kate knew that she'd stay confused about whatever was going on as long as she carried the burden in her own, apparently, fragile mind. Unfortunately, she found herself hesitant to trust herself and certain that she couldn't look at him as whatever respect he still had for her evaporated into the air around them.

With that in mind, she turned without a word and walked cautiously through the clutter surrounding her. She was careful to avoid the spots where glass littered the floor. She still hadn't put shoes on and didn't need to add to the negativity of this day by injuring herself.

Kate knew he'd follow; it was only a matter of time. With that in mind she ventured into her room, leaving the door open behind her. Feeling tired, despite the time she'd spent simply laying around this morning, she dropped to the floor and propped her back against the side of her bed. Tentative footsteps followed her several seconds later, but she didn't look up as a shadow fell across her from the light through her open door.

The rest of the room was muted tones of grey from the drawn shades over her windows, and even that swath of light seemed too much to handle in this moment. "Close the door?" she asked, surprised to hear the plea in her own tone that seemed to set him into action, though his movements were slow and deliberate.

Kate closed her eyes in an effort to preserve her previous visions of him, his former confidence in her, his trust in what she had to say, and the way he sometimes believed in her more than she believed in herself. She knew after she opened her mouth, those things would never be the same. When visions of him mangled and limp in her arms flooded her a moment later, she snapped her eyes open and darted them over to catch his outline in the dim light.

Reassured that he was still there, she let her head tip back against her mattress, and kept her head turned slightly in his direction, though she refused to meet his eyes. She'd never make it through this if she had to look at him, watch the light come on the moment he realized she was insane and then watch an equally bright light fade as understanding dawned that she'd never be what he needed in his life. How could she be when she was clearly insane? That would make for a wonderful foundation for a relationship.

"Promise me something?" she inquired, not sure where that shy, nervous tone came from and hating it nearly as much as she hated her own mind in the moment.

"Anything." He responded immediately. His tone was equally quiet, but she could hear the sincerity mixed with something indefinable as she slowly made his way into her room.

She turned back to stare at the wall as he approached and took a seat on the bed. He was near where she was leaning, but not enough to make her uncomfortable and the added bonus, she realized, was that it would be an extremely awkward angle to try and turn and look at him. "I'm going to tell you a story." She started hesitantly and then fell silent as she tried to figure out how to start this particular tale.

"Isn't that more my thing?" he quipped, but there wasn't any of his normal upbeat attitude in it.

Swallowing past the lump in her throat she started again, "I'm going to talk and when we're done, even though you'll probably think I'm certifiably insane, you're going to promise not to have me committed until tomorrow. Tomorrow you can have someone lock me up and throw away the key, but let me get through today first."

She didn't realize she'd been rambling as he fought with himself until he started to laugh. "That's a little over the top, don't you think? You're not crazy, Beckett, but you're not using insanity as a defense against telling me what's going on. What the hell happened out there?"

"Promise me." She demanded, her adamant tone cut through his humor and she felt him shift on the mattress.

"If anyone wants to cart you off to the nut house, they'll have to go through me." When he spoke again, she turned her head towards him in surprise and found he had stretched out on his side behind her, propping himself up on an elbow put his head nearly level with hers. Their eyes met in the dim light. She saw the honesty there, projected clearly and nodded in response.

She turned her head away again and began to speak. Low and quiet, the words tumbled out of her. "I had this dream a couple nights ago; at least I thought it was a dream."

"Hmm." He responded, apparently absently, noncommittal, but reassuring her that he was indeed listening.

"When I woke up, things kept happening the way they had in the dream." Shy and quiet, this was the part where he'd be certain she was crazy.

Instead he chuckled, soft and not entirely genuinely. The sound floated to her and was actually soothing, "Now you're going to tell me you believe in psychics?" he inquired, lightly, as if finally getting a sense of where she was going.

She was sure, however, that he really had no idea. She didn't think anyone could possibly believe such a ridiculous story, especially when she couldn't even fully believe it herself. It was a ridiculous thought, but, if she was crazy at least she would go out with the knowledge that she hadn't hidden from the truth as she'd known it, no matter how warped and messed up.

She convinced herself that it wasn't hiding, though she closed her eyes to avoid seeing Castle even in the dim light. Kate let her head fall back to rest against her mattress and felt his hand come up to gently brush across her hair in a simple gesture of comfort before falling back to the mattress.

She pushed on, intent on not being the only one carrying this burden. "I've been through today twice already, and I don't want to do it anymore but I don't know how to stop it."

"Come on, Kate." He responded gently as her words finally faded into the room around them. "It was a dream. It had to be."

She was already shaking her head, "No." She responded, turning her head towards him, but unsure how to convince him that she knew what was happening. She knew it sounded crazy; she was the one dealing with the mental instability that rocked her over the past couple of days.

A sudden thought struck her and she spun fully to face him, coming up on her knees and crossing her arms over her chest as she glared at him. "Batman." She told him triumphantly, excited to have some proof, but also concerned he might prove her wrong by finally verifying that it had all, in fact, been in her head.

"What?" he was confused again, but she shouldn't have been surprised, it was how they had spent the last twenty minutes.

"You sent me a text last night because you had a thought about the case." She reminded him and watched as his eyes widened slightly, the wary expression falling just a bit from his features. "You were watching Batman Begins last night and ended up thinking about me for some reason."

"Similar origin stories, we've had this conversation before." He responded, though there was nothing behind the comment, simply a statement made as if on auto-pilot as he tried to piece together how she could know that. "Alexis called you?" he inquired.

"No, just listen to me; this is what I've been trying to tell you this whole time." She knew she was smiling like an idiot, but she could see he was trying to believe her and it felt as if something in the world was righting itself again, "You told me this morning at the precinct, two days in a row, about how thoughts of Batman and my origins brought you to thoughts of the precinct, thoughts of the case and with vengeance fresh on your mind you thought 'what if'." She paused, watching as he absorbed this all, he had apparently not told Alexis his thought process, just mentioned it and now he was watching her with rapt attention. "You told me your first thought was 'what if this guy was Batman without the budget?' and then you wove a story for as about how one day the man was some middle class average Joe, but then he had a run in with the gang, lost someone, family or friend, and he lost it. 'Now, he lives for vengeance.' You said, and you were right."

"Why are you telling me all this?" he finally asked, suitably confused by the turn of events.

"Why aren't you denying this was exactly what you wanted to tell me today?" she shot back.

"Whoa," she watched the shift in him as a huge smile pulled his lips wide and exposed his teeth to glint in the low light, "This is so cool."

Instant anger flared in her and she rocked forward, unfolding her arms to plant them against his chest and shove. "Damn it, Castle, this isn't funny." She growled into the space between them as the force of her shove knocked him off his propped elbow and he sprawled across her bed on his back.

"It's not funny." He agreed, chuckling. She could tell he was trying to control it, but doing a poor job of it. "It's awesome." He tacked on in amendment as he grinned at her.

That was the last straw and she found herself suddenly on her feet, leaning over him, grasping the lapels of his jacket and giving him a forceful shake before leaning on her fists against his chest with more than enough pressure to push him deeper into the mattress as she lost it, "You think it's funny?" she watched his laughter fade, but she didn't stop, she couldn't stop now.

"You think it's funny to watch your partner throw himself in front of a bullet meant for you and then have to sit there while he bleeds out under your hands because there's nothing you can do?" at some point she had started to yell at him, unleashing her frustration all in his direction as she occasionally shook him to make her point. He was trying to call out to her to get her to stop talking, but she barreled on. "Or maybe it's so hysterical that when I got a second chance and kept you out of that damn building, the same guy who shot you took a header over the fire escape with enough explosives strapped to him to rattle a city block. Of everywhere it could happen, he landed right there, right next to my damn car, and blew you the hell up anyway?"

She laughed, but the sound was bitter and ugly, coursing through the room and mixing with her anger and frustration, "You want to know the best part?" she didn't even acknowledge that he was shaking his head to say no, because from her tone it was obvious that whatever it was wouldn't be good at all. "I tried to change things. I tried to save you and you died anyway, but because of me more people went in that blast. It killed a little girl, Castle. I killed a little girl trying to play God."

Kate had watched the horror sweep his face, the shock and then it was there as she'd known it would be, fear. But her final statement brought something else into his expression, something softer. She couldn't identify it through the angry tears that had gathered to blur her vision. "Kate?" this time her name was a question. While quiet, the plea was adamant and she managed to pull herself together enough to stop shaking him.

"You're going to die today, Castle." saying it out loud seemed to solidify the thoughts into truth and when she blinked twin tears dropped from her face onto his below her. She could finally see him clearly again. The expression on his face as he seemed to believe every crazy word out of her mouth was enough to reinstitute the ache in her chest that was becoming so familiar.

His hands came up to frame her face, taking her cheeks between two palms. His hands were firm, commanding, not the gentle touch he'd shown earlier, "Kate!" he barked and her anger fell away. He forced her to stay focused on his eyes as he promised, "We're going to figure this out. No one is going to die today."

No matter how stupid the thought made her feel, she believed him, or at least she wanted to more than anything.

x.x.x

A/N: Not sure about this one, but Castle knows now. Even if it's the first time, I'm sure I'll have another chance to get the scene of Beckett telling Castle what's going right. . .

Wow, there have apparently been a lot of movies/TV shows with this theme as a story telling device. I'm making a list of movies to watch when this is all over, but I'm going to try and keep my thoughts my own until it's over and am restraining myself. I only watch a couple hours of TV a week, Castle, NCIS, and Bones. I watch Burn Notice, The Closer and The Mentalist on DVD when the seasons are released. Aside from that I don't watch movies much or TV, though I did see that episode of The X-Files.

I don't know if this particular take has been done as I'm spinning a slant on it that is based in psychology, let me know when you think you have it figured out and I'll give you a shout out when you get it, I can only promise virtual prizes. I just hope to do this, apparently common, theme justice.

Review that made my day: **geekygreek**, for a review I found so utterly strange I had to read it three times before it made any sense, but I was smiling the whole time thinking that it's good for all of us weirdoes to have others to share in the strange with us.

Thanks for reading.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

It seemed that every time she glanced at the clock time was passing more quickly, racing towards the inevitable conclusion of the day. Those last couple of seconds hovering over him as the anger dissipated were the last moments of the day that seemed to drag as she waited for her racing heart to settle.

Just as she thought she had it under control, he sent it hammering in her chest again as, with a single quick move, he reversed their positions. Castle used his hold on either side of her head and his legs to roll over, pulling her with him as he threw her off balance. A moment later he was the one hovering over her on her bed and the heavy thumping in her chest rose until she felt each beat thrum through her.

Those seconds dragged on as his intense eyes seemed to look straight through her. Her body started to hum in anticipation for what seemed to be just on the horizon. Despite the thick emotion blanketing them, or more likely, because of it, she felt a chill race down her neck. Goose bumps raised on her arms that were now pinned between them as his breath washed across her cheek.

Determination screamed from his eyes as he planted a quick hard kiss against her mouth before rolling out of bed and starting to pace. She could see he was concerned, but he was also brimming with a level of excitement she could tell was barely restrained. "So, we should hit his place early, maybe he won't have the bomb set." He spoke absently.

It took her a moment to catch up as her pulse raced and her mind spun with that simple gesture before he had stood up. It was a simple kiss, neither heated nor particularly passionate as they had been only a few short minutes before. Instead, it was almost an automatic reaction and for a moment she wondered if that's how things would be if they woke up together every day.

Finally coming back to the conversation, she shook it off to focus on getting through today. Kate sat up and slowly inched back to the edge of the bed, but wasn't ready to stand just yet. "He may have been wearing it for days, ready to arm in the event it's needed. No, we need a plan and no matter what you think, I'm telling you that you're sitting this one out."

Castle gave a bark of laughter that was somewhere between sarcasm and disbelief as he stopped pacing to look at her, "I'm so far from arguing with you on this one." Then he shook his head as he began his slow procession across her floor again. "I don't like the idea of you in there either."

Kate shrugged; she didn't like the idea of anyone going in there, but the alternative seemed too great a risk. "We can't just ignore this and hope it goes away. He could take out a lot of people with that bomb if we don't stop him."

Castle stopped pacing to consider her for a long moment before he cocked his head to the side, "Would it really be so bad for him to walk into one of that gang's drug houses and light it up? It's certainly preferable to dying myself. I'm just saying."

She shook her head, though the merits of his suggestion were decidedly appealing after what happened last time she'd tried to change something. "We can't just ignore this and hope it goes away."

"Why not?" he asked. His tone seemed to come across the same as if they had been discussing the merits of white or wheat bread and she wanted to shake him so that he'd feel the same sense of urgency she felt. At the same time she recognized the distance he was forcing himself to take from the situation. "It would solve a lot of problems. He blows himself up with whoever he's after next and we close our case."

"What happens if he spots his next 'target' on a crowded subway platform?" she defended the merits of sticking to their original take down of the man in his apartment. "We can't risk it and you know it. If I'm not crazy, then whoever dies today is taking your place. Can you honestly say that you'd you be comfortable with even the possibility of who could be hit by that bomb going off in some crowded location?"

He hung his head for a moment, roughly running his hand over the back of his neck before squeezing for a moment, defeat in the set of his shoulders as he rolled his head from side to side. He looked exhausted, but his mind was obviously firing quickly if the shifting expressions on his face were anything to go by. After a long moment he shook his head.

Silence surrounded them for a long moment as they shared a look and waited for inspiration to strike one of them. It was not forthcoming. "I need caffeine." Beckett decided as she dragged her fingers through her hair in frustration. She realized for the first time how much of a mess she was as her fingers caught in some tangles.

"You'd probably already have some running through your veins if your coffee pot wasn't smashed against the kitchen floor." Castle responded, his tone a forced casual, but she could hear the question in her voice.

She managed to dodge delving back into that dark bit of imagery or the reasons behind her destructive actions. Kate shooed him out to fetch replacements for the coffee he had thrown out on his way to find a cab earlier in the morning while she attempted to make herself even semi-presentable after the morning she'd had. He was back and knocking just as she slipped into her pants after a quick shower.

Kate swiped the coffee from his hands without a word and turned back to her room to throw on some shoes and try to work magic with some make-up. She wasn't surprised when she couldn't fully hide the evidence of her morning spent crying. She never understood why the body's method of working through grief had to leave indications for everyone to see long after the tears had been washed away.

She'd seen Castle take up residence in her doorway as she'd begun to carefully apply concealer around her eyes. Kate had managed to mostly ignore him as she completed the task at hand. After a last look to make sure there was nothing else she could do, she finally turned her head to meet his eyes. "Are you watching me put on makeup?" she asked, only to be greeted with a shrug and a slight smile from the writer. "It's creepy." she stated simply, feeling warmth in the familiarity of it after so much that had been far from the norm.

"I don't think you're creepy." he teased lightly garnering the expected eye roll from her.

It was strange to feel so nostalgic for something she did practically every day, but these little things were what she would probably never be able to do again without feeling that twinge in her gut that was so near painful she found it almost unbearable. Brushing off the thoughts, because they were far from productive, she addressed him in a tone that was so level and almost normal that she was momentarily proud of herself. "We need a game plan."

11:08am

By the time they rolled into the precinct, she had managed to tone down his teasing and his excitement. Castle was still visibly shaken, but he appeared to be letting his intrigue over the phenomenon to win out at the moment and that was the side of him she could work with as they play acted their way through this day.

It hadn't been difficult to agree on the game plan of keeping all this craziness under their hats. It had been a little more difficult to pin down exactly how they could get the idea that their new suspect could potentially be armed with explosives to be taken seriously. When they'd left a coffee shop down the street from the precinct with her second cup of the day he'd told her not to worry about that part and he'd come up with something.

As much as she was worried that the dark expression behind his joviality would give them away, he seemed to pass it off as excitement for his theory on the case. She almost envied the way he was able to tap right into the almost youthful excitement of the prospect that she was in what he called a 'temporal loop' instead of focusing on the negativity. Of course, he had the benefit of not having lived through it twice already.

She was also certain that he didn't fully believe her and with her not being in the precinct earlier they may have already drastically altered things enough that events would not unfold in the same way they had previously. There was the chance that any opportunity she had to prove it to him, aside from apparently reading his mind from the night before, would be lost to their late morning.

"Well, well, well," Esposito greeted them as they finally arrived and she found herself barely avoiding a blush at the suggestive tone in his voice, "Look who decided to roll out of bed and join us this morning."

"Late night, huh?" Ryan joined in the teasing and Beckett rolled her eyes for Castle's benefit as much as theirs before shooting them both a withering glare.

"Some of us were out running down leads this morning." she responded in her best authoritative tone and watched as both detectives dropped their teasing and perked up at the prospect of a lead on this case that had been driving them all more than a little crazy.

"What've you got?" Esposito was the first to jump to her ploy and Castle was quick to inform both of them of his theory and that they were looking into a couple of things to flesh it out. With that she banished Esposito to the task he had been focused on the previous morning, running down financials on the latest victim. She needed to get things back to a point that she was familiar with; even if she already knew his efforts would be fruitless.

It was only a couple of minutes later as Ryan was just finishing writing something on the white board from the most recent victim's file, that she caught sight of a silent conversation between Castle and Esposito. Kate almost laughed in relief as she saw the setup of the coming events unfolding just as they had two days in a row.

She pulled out her notepad and scribbled a quick synopsis of events about to occur so that afterwards she could present it to Castle. She had just finished and closed her notebook, sliding it towards him slightly, but not making a show of him needing to take it. She was content to wait this out. His eyes flicked to her with a question, but she just shook her head and gestured towards Ryan as she sent him down to records to grab the old case files for recent gang activity.

She turned to perch on her desk as she watched the detective walk away from her. This was a new angle to see him deftly avoid Esposito's attempt to trip him up and she had to admit the man was light on his feet. Kate made a mental note to find out if he took some kind of dance in his younger years, but then she remembered that he had been in lessons with Jenny for the past couple of months in preparation for his wedding. If dance did that much to his ability to move and react, she may recommend it as required training for Esposito as well. In addition to possibly improving his balance and large muscle memory, she could see it providing hours of entertainment for her as he first tried to get out of it and then complained daily about how humiliating it was.

According to Lanie, Esposito already knew how to move on the dance floor, but she knew her friend wouldn't complain if the detective picked up a few new tricks. Beckett didn't realize she had completely zoned out as she contemplated the potential of laying down that mandate, but when Castle informed the detective that he'd be keeping the video for 'insurance', Kate stepped in, "Get back to work." It wasn't the same authoritative tone that she usually had, but it had the same effect on both of them.

She almost smiled at her ability to kick them both into gear so easily, but only almost. She still didn't quite feel like smiling because the plan they'd laid out was too dependent on unknowns and chock full of more risk than she was willing to put faith in at the moment.

Once Esposito walked away and she found herself alone with Castle for what she knew would only be a couple of minutes before Ryan returned, she nudged her notebook towards him. The gesture was subtle, but with only a small quirk of his eyebrow in question, he reached out and grabbed the little book, flipping it open to the first page and reading through what she had just jotted down a couple minutes prior.

He could have decided just then that she must have been in cahoots with Ryan and Esposito and were using them to trick Castle into something so completely ridiculous. It was what she would likely have thought if their roles were to have been reversed. Instead, when his eyes lifted from the small notepad, they met her with a fierce intensity and she saw for the first time, there behind the fear and excitement, something that had been a lot more subdued a few minutes before. She saw his faith in her and acceptance of all she had told him.

Wide, honestly candid eyes met her own and she almost broke again under the intensity of his apparent concern as everything continued to fall into place. It was as if he was accepting the apparent melt down she'd had earlier and actually processing what it all meant for the first time since he'd shown up at her door. She should have been worried about him having seen this side of her, but instead, she was more than a little relieved that if something happened to him at least he would know beforehand that he had an impact in more than just the lives of his daughter or his fans. He had definitely had an impact on her, but she found herself less and less willing to hide exactly what he meant to her.

Castle shook his head in wonder and then closed the book, sliding it back over to her before meeting her eyes for a long intense look that they shared until Ryan came back in to drop a box heavily against Kate's desk.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the long delay. Turns out writing the same day over and over is a little harder than I had anticipated, especially in the summer when my attention is stolen in so many different directions already. And it's short too, so that's a bummer. I have a little more written, but it was better to cut it here than to make you wait a couple more days for me to get my act together and type the rest of the next scene.

Review that made my day: **Peachy-x**, for sending me to Google and teaching me something I didn't know. I bet you're either in psychology or studying it because that answer was entirely more specific than my layman take on this. I'll let you know what super basic psychological principal I'm borrowing for this fic when I'm past the point where it would spoil things that are coming later.

Thanks for reading.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

Tuesday

6:04pm

Kate stood in the now familiar stairway just those long thirteen steps from the apartment door where Thomas Kearns was waiting with a bomb strapped to his chest. As she watched the SWAT team quietly take up position throughout the hall and beside the door they would surge through in a few short minutes, Kate couldn't keep her mind from playing over exactly how she found herself here again.

It was the last place she wanted to be, but she was secure in the knowledge that Castle had believed in her enough to stay in the precinct tonight. Still, she couldn't help the way her mind wandered as she thought about how some horrible fate might befall him anyway. It had been an uphill battle all day with him and her presence at this raid had led to more than one heated argument over the past several hours.

In fact, despite working tirelessly to prove a connection between Kearns and bomb manufacturing supplies, they had barely managed to be less than snippy with each other throughout the afternoon. Castle had attempted to talk her into staying behind with him, done everything but beg. She couldn't, though. This was her take down, her suspect, her arrest and she couldn't leave the arrest and the risk, solely on the shoulders of the tactical strike team.

She knew, once they had scoured the suspect's life and credit card records, determined a link to several stores and run down the items sold, they had painted a very clear picture of the type of weapon Kearns had likely constructed. That picture was more than enough to warrant the extra officers covering this take down and would normally be enough to bump any detective off the case until the situation had been neutralized, but she wasn't any detective and she wasn't going to back down.

Kate had forced her way onto this team, practically drawn the infiltration plan herself and insisted on being present, though she was not entirely disappointed to be instructed they would have to remain in the hall during the actual assault. Esposito had landed the position on the fire escape, just above the apartment in the event Kearns made an escape attempt. A member of the SWAT team was a floor below the apartment to ensure he couldn't escape that direction.

That left her and Ryan impatiently waiting in the hall near the stairwell. The door had been propped open for ease of movement as needed and she stood in the doorway while Ryan leaned semi-casually against the wall beside her. While they waited for the last couple of minutes before the SWAT team took down the door, Beckett's nerves were frayed. The more casually Ryan stood there looking bored, the more she wanted to tell him that the ground was about to be dropped out from beneath them, but she bit her tongue. Castle believing in her was enough of a stretch and she was certain that no one else would have the mental dexterity to grasp, much less accept, the bizarre nature of what had been happening to her.

She felt eyes on her as she continued to nervously ponder the potential outcome of this change in circumstances and looked to her left to see Ryan was smirking slightly as he eyed her. She knew that look; it was the same expression he got sometimes in interrogation or just before as he was trying to plot out how best to approach a suspect. She felt the desire to simply ignore the detective, but brushed it off and raised her brow in question.

Ryan's smirk turned into an easy smile as he registered her question for what it was, consent to broach the subject he was obviously curious about, "So," he whispered, dragging the word out far longer than was actually necessary. He sounded like he had a few years ago after a bout with a case of laryngitis that had him rasping his words for nearly a weak afterwards. It was strange, the places her brain went when it was trying to avoid the here and now. She should have thought how smart it was to keep his voice down while they waited for the raid to begin so as not to tip their hand. "You and Castle, huh?"

His tone was still soft, the smile a little more nervous than teasing, but she could hear the almost happy hopeful sound hidden in there that gave away his deeper opinion on the answer behind that question. She could have delved into why he even cared about that, but instead, she thought back to half an hour before as they were leaving the precinct.

They'd just finished a debriefing and planning session with the SWAT team before heading out to the apartment. Castle was in on the meeting even though he was out of the take down. The plan, on paper, was a solid one. Get in, determine and neutralize the threat if necessary, disarm the bomb, if there was one, and call it a day. Beckett's last two experiences with this day let her know that it would likely not be that easy, but she kept those thoughts to herself.

Castle hadn't missed it, however, and as she gathered her things from her desk to head out, he'd cornered her. His insistence that she stay behind with him might have been effective, if she hadn't been sending so many others in to take her place. "Come on, Beckett, a whole SWAT team is already probably overkill for one guy, you don't need to go, too."

"I have to." she responded, just as adamant, even using the same words as she had already twice that afternoon.

"You're going to be standing in a hall, there's nothing you can do there that couldn't be done after this is all over with." he responded, the slightly desperate tone in his voice was eating at her. She knew it was her own fault as everything she had told him to expect today played out right down to knowing the name and address of the suspect that Castle would pull out of the box of records Ryan had brought in.

"I have to be there. I have to see that everything is ok when it's done." she shot back, her tone insistent, but quiet as they stood close and kept the conversation as much to themselves as they could in the unusually crowded bullpen.

Castle's eyes seemed to bore straight through her and the concern in them was worth more than all the words he had tried to use on her so far. "I don't like this trade." he informed her quietly, following her lead and keeping his voice low to reduce the likelihood that they would be over heard.

At first she didn't understand what he was saying, but a moment later she remembered that she had informed him whoever died today was taking his place. If the roles were reversed, she would never ask him to take her place in death, which was the main reason she would have been pissed with him if his first death had been the end of things. That bullet had been meant for her, but he'd taken it. Still, despite her logic on the subject and understanding, she couldn't do anything except see this through. She had to be there. She had to know how things ended if only to temper the nightmares she was certain she would have over this for years to come.

"You don't have to like it." she finally stated, surprised at how cold and detached her voice sounded in her head. Apparently, it had come of the same to him, because she watched him momentarily deflate from the impact of her words in that tone. "I have to do this, Castle." she pleased for his understanding as an attempt to break through the hurt that was burning from his eyes in that moment. "I have to be there so I can see this end the right way, or every day I'll wake up and wonder what part of all this was a dream and what was real."

It only took a moment for her words to sink in and his expression to turn solemn as he nodded in acceptance. "Just promise me you'll be careful." he finally said, his voice hoarse as he tried to restrain the emotion from taking over his reaction.

She wanted to, she really did, but there were no guarantees. She wasn't going to go into this one as cocky as she had the previous day, thinking that changing something would actually make any kind of difference at all. Instead, she reached for him. Eyes holding his in a silent promise to do everything she could to come back in one piece, she reached a hand up to his neck, guiding him down to her.

A moment before their lips met, she realized she was standing at her desk in the middle of the bullpen, but surprisingly she didn't care. The only thing she could see in that moment were his eyes, the only thing she knew was the feel of his skin beneath her fingers and the slight tickle of short hairs on the back of his neck. Then his lips were on hers and she wondered at the intensity of such a simple action.

This was nothing like their kisses had been previously. There was none of the desperate grief from her or hesitance and confusion from him. There was still that spark of fear, but they were not pushed by it, the fear did not rush them in this moment. She felt the soft brush of his lips against hers and then the steady pressure as he leaned into her more fully.

For a moment, she lost herself in him, the feel of soft lips and the sudden rush of cool air against the nape of her neck as he swept his hand into her hair, lifting the heavy blanket of brown tresses away from her skin for a moment. There was a sound in the back of his throat that echoed from her own as for the briefest of seconds his tongue danced into her mouth before retreating.

When he pulled away, they shared a look that was loaded with so many things that neither was willing to say out loud. She could have lost herself in his eyes at that moment, if she hadn't been brutally smacked back into reality. Their moment had been broken by a wolf whistle and catcalls that were followed almost immediately by the detectives of every surrounding desk breaking into spontaneous applause.

Wide eyed, she snapped her gaze off his and scanned the officers all around her. She wanted to be embarrassed at seeing all of them standing to trumpet their approval in applause, but instead she felt another moment of wonder. She couldn't believe that so many of her fellow officers had not only seen, but obviously been pulling for, something that she had been surprisingly content to turn a blind eye to.

The sight of SWAT lining up to take down the door had her snapping full focus back to the present and gracing Ryan with a small smile. "I think we'll just have to wait and see if this is anything more than a symptom of insanity."

The answer obviously amused the detective, because he smiled with a familiar glint in his eyes. She knew that look meant he had something else to say, but was either waiting for the right moment or actually talking himself out of it entirely because it would be far from appropriate to voice. Instead he nodded once and turned his focus back to the raid about to go down, "In that case, I'd say you should probably invest in some kind of anti-psychotic and just ride it out, because if you want my opinion, you could do with a little insanity in your life."

She did laugh then, a soft sound that didn't travel more than the space between her and Ryan. He really had no idea how accepting she was of insane thoughts in this exact moment, or the fact that insanity was what brought them here today. Instead of responding, she leaned against the doorframe of the stairwell and watched the SWAT team make short work of breaking down the door before filing in with military precision.

The sound of three gunshots in quick succession rang into the hallway from the shattered open door and then there was a subtle shaking beneath her feet. For a second she wondered what that might be before two of the SWAT team members bolted through the door and she placed it as the sound of racing footsteps echoing through the cheap flooring. From the sound and vibrations, there were more officers on their way out, but the two that had emerged were wide eyed and moving fast.

She had just registered the phrase, 'dead man switch' when the two men in black tactical gear were swallowed in a ball of flames. There was no time to react as the shock wave rippled through the wall. Debris from the wall seemed to spray in all directions as the sound of the blast deafened her a moment before the concussion of the blast reached them. The heat on her skin felt intense as the blast pushed her violently back into the stairwell, the flames followed closely behind the concussion, but never seemed to reach her with more than just heat. The pressure of that blast seemed to rip through her, knocking the wind out of her as she was thrown into the enclosed stairway. Kate's lower back made contact with the railing for the steps and her shoulders impacted hard against the wall a split second later followed by the back of her head and then the heat seared into her.

The pain was instantaneous, the smell of burnt flesh and hair seeped into her almost immediately as she crumpled to the floor at the top of the stairway. She was almost relieved that she hadn't also taken a tumble down those stairs, but before she could fully formulate the thought she felt unconsciousness threatening to pull her under. Beckett suddenly remembered that she had been standing beside Ryan only a moment before.

Her eyelids blinked heavily and it was with extreme effort that she wrenched them back open again a moment later because she had to know if Ryan was alright. Her eyes scanned the doorway, expecting to see him peaking around the doorframe, now cracked from the blast.

She wasn't surprised when she found no one glancing around the open doorway, Kate tried to move so she could make her way through the thick smell of burnt flesh and hair, but her arms collapsed under her as pain shot through her body. She found herself face down on the landing for the stairs, trying to regain the breath that not being able to hold herself up had knocked out of her. Frustration and determination willed her to push herself anyway, even if it meant crawling the short distance back where she had been standing. With a low groan, she moved to try again, but the pain was too much for her to get more than propped up on her elbows, pointed in the general direction of the doorway. Tears burned in her eyes that she was sure were as much from frustration as they were from the acrid scent of the smoke and lingering effects of the settling particles from walls being blown into tiny pieces.

Kate raised her head and tried to see through the doorway now that the debris had a moment to settle. The smoke was still only wafting out of the apartment in small tendrils and she wondered if they would be lucky enough to escape the entire building going up in flames. She hoped so, because she needed to get to Ryan before the fire took the hall and at the moment she was incapable of movement. With a heavy sigh, she attempted to rise again, but her exhalation had disturbed the dust particles on the floor beneath her and led to a sudden coughing fit as she tried to fill her lungs with something that wasn't dust or dirt or smoke.

Once she had her breathing under control again, she took another look around and was surprised that she could see more clearly. Instantly, her eyes fell on the space directly in front of where she had managed to maneuver herself. There he was, in a similar predicament apparently, unable to make any movements.

It took her brain only a moment to catch up and deduce the truth behind the fallacy in that train of thought. Her eyes found his quickly and as the black fingers of unconsciousness continued to tempt her, she managed a strangled sob for what she had done this time. Watching those two swat members engulfed in flames and knowing how many more men had died just inside the door should have been enough, but it was the bright blue eyes of Kevin Ryan staring blankly somewhere between her and the ceiling above, that set it all straight in her head.

Ryan was lying on the ground, his shoulders and head the only part of him that was visible on the other side of the doorway where he had been standing. His suit jacket was tattered and singed and his neck was at an unnatural angle. It wasn't the way his head was spun nearly backwards on his shoulders that threatened to send what little she had managed to eat today right back out of her. It wasn't the sight of those bright blue eyes or his normally smiling face, charred and dirty with a large patch of hair burnt, probably every layer of skin. It was the smoldering remnants of his tie, a purple paisley number that Castle had given him crap about and he still wore proudly months later because it had come from Jenny.

Kate knew there was no logic to the prayers she started sending up to whoever might be listening to her, God, the universe, whoever had been responsible for torturing her with this day three times over now. She yelled into the deathly silence about the injustice of it all, vented her frustration for everything being so incredibly messed up. She begged for another chance, though she never would have imagined that she would be asking to live it again, she couldn't live with herself if keeping Castle safe had come at such a cost.

This wasn't a decision she should have had to make, she just hoped that there was another chance for her to right whatever it was she was supposed to be setting straight. She actually hoped she would wake up in her own bed the next morning as if none of this happened, because she wasn't sure if she'd be able to look at Castle the same way again knowing that in saving him she had cost this man his life instead. Castle was right; there really was no good trade to be made for another person's life.

She couldn't imagine she would ever be able to look at Castle again without seeing the dead vacant eyes of Kevin Ryan staring back at her if this really was the end.

When her voice gave out and she could no long speak through the damage done by yelling and breathing the dusty air, she continued pleading in her head or she hoped it was in her head once she heard thumping on the stairs. Running steps, heavy feet trampling up the stairs, shouting and gruff voices filled her ears. Her mission to rescue Ryan was obviously fruitless, so she gave in to the extreme exhaustion that had been trying to pull her under.

Kate's last thought was that she hoped she was in her bed the next time she woke up. She wanted another chance on this day and if she got one, she already knew what she had to do. With that thought burning into her mind and hope flaring however feebly in her, she let the darkness sweep her under as smoke poured into the hallway outside, disrupting even the haze of dust that was still settling from the blast.

x.x.x

A/N: So, traffic was really low on last chapter, I guess the lesson is don't post on Saturday night because everyone who actually has a life is busy. If you were confused by what just happened, go back and check to see if you read the previous chapter. It was mostly filler, so really if you skipped it you're not missing much.

Review that made my day: **Beetlebug**, for having the urge to tell the characters stuff. I get that way all the time and it's cool to feel a little less silly about it since I'm not alone. Doing something crazy by yourself makes you the one who is crazy, doing it together means you're either perfectly sane or part of a cult. I'll let you make your call on which it is here.

Thanks for reading.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

Kate felt as if she were floating up to wakefulness on a cloud of confusion. For a moment after her eyes opened and the bright light forced them closed again. The flash of the room surrounding her threw her for a loop again and she didn't understand where she was.

A moment later, the pain hit her and she felt a groan pull out of her chest, but it was barely more than a whisper as it left her lips. It wasn't sharp or intense and the lack of an instant spark of recognition tied to the general fuzzy feeling in her head let her know that she was on some kind of pain medication. The brightly lit room suddenly made sense, but she wasn't opening her eyes again as her senses tried to acclimate her to what might greet her.

She had felt the pressure around her hand increase as she groaned, but didn't place it for several second. It wasn't until the sound of Castle's voice softly begging her to open her eyes cut through her own thoughts that it fully sank in that she was in the hospital.

Visions of the stairwell assaulted her suddenly and her eyes snapped open. Panic swept her once the hospital room surrounding her came into startling focus. The sound of her heart monitor bleating loudly drew her attention to the left and it took her a moment to hear Castle's voice infiltrating the haze, trying to pull her focus away from whatever she was thinking. He was speaking in a soothing tone, pleading with her to breathe. He begged her to calm down, but she didn't think she'd be able to follow through on his suggestion.

Her rotating gaze finally landed on him where he was leaning over her hospital bed, grasping her hand in one of his while his other seemed to be brushing over her head. She couldn't feel the movement until she forced herself to focus on that part of her. His gentle touch was soothing, despite her inner turmoil and she forced herself to hold his gaze and attempt to follow his instructions to just breathe.

He looked like hell, but he was alive and that was more than she could say for some people. He'd obviously been crying and he had an expression of utter defeat on his features that she had never seen before. Kate let his voice wash over her in the silence, not really recognizing the words, though certain that nothing he said would matter now. It was too late; she had failed all of them. She wanted to ask about Esposito, but she couldn't take any more bad news. She knew from the force of the blast and his position outside that there was a good chance he was in here, too, if not down in the morgue with Ryan.

Instead, she contented herself with floating in the numbing world of pain killers and gentle caresses, the occasional pass of warm breath over her forehead before a careful kiss was placed there and the whispered soothing resumed. A nurse came in shortly after, apparently happy to see her awake, but Beckett couldn't pull herself to full alert enough to care about the older woman's chipper disposition that was probably more forced than genuine.

It wasn't until the nurse was headed back out of her room and made an offhand comment to Castle about how she was lucky to have him there for her that everything really sank in. Tears burned at the back of her throat as reality sank in. She didn't deserve to have anyone here with her, especially not the one person she had succeeded in saving, but at the cost of so many more.

Kate squeezed her eyes tightly closed, willing away reality from intruding and wondering why she couldn't have woke in her own bed. She didn't want the tears to fall, but they seeped out and were gently swept away by what had to be Rick still hovering. She wanted to send him away, but she didn't think she could take the solitude with her thoughts just then.

It took her several calming breaths before she heard the soft words being whispered across her cheek, quiet and full of pain, but laced with hope. He was repeating the words over and over. She wondered if it was the same reassurance he was trying to give her the entire time she'd been phasing out his words. "It's still Tuesday." Like a mantra the words fell from his lips and she wondered at the meaning of such a small phrase carrying so much power.

Her eyes opened to meet his and she was nearly overwhelmed with the depth of emotion she saw there. With a tilt of her head she asked him if he was telling the truth and his moist eyes registered relief that she had finally understood his words. He seemed to calm exponentially at the knowledge and even managed a watery smile as he nodded his reassurance.

They stayed there wrapped in what little hope they could draw from the experience Beckett had been living through the past three days. Though she squeezed her eyes tightly closed as she hoped for another chance, she still knew right where he was. She could feel his warm breath on her cheek, hot tears falling against her temple, and the weight of his hand in her own. She felt a moment of disgust in taking comfort from him when he was supposed to have died.

She pushed the thought away on the coat tails of the follow-up that until she woke up on Wednesday, none of this was actually real. That thought gave her the courage to speak, "Kevin's dead." she breathed heavily into the silence, completely aware of the tremor in her voice, but neither willing nor able to care about covering it.

"He's not." Castle responded immediately in a tone that reminded her more of a child that didn't get his way than a man trying to provide reassurance. When he lifted his head to meet her gaze, she could see his tears had stopped, but the glossy look of them was still there in red rimmed eyes, ready to start again if provoked. "They're not; not until Wednesday." He dropped it there, shifting his eyes away from her as if in guilt before his words registered.

"They?" she finally asked, certain from his reaction that he didn't just mean the SWAT members. There was no response and he kept his eyes averted until she squeezed his hand, intentionally digging her nails into his flesh in a silent statement to how badly she wanted an answer. "They?" she repeated again, firm and more than a little fierce.

After a long moment the tears pooled again, but throughout his slow shaky words, they did not fall, simply shimmered in the contrast of his too dark eyes and the too bright room, "The explosion was so hot and he was burned pretty badly. The fire escape was damaged in the blast and it took too long to get to him."

She knew the 'him' that Castle was talking about, but it still sent her mind spinning again, "Esposito?" she asked for the clarification she didn't need and watched as he simply nodded.

"Please, Kate," he pleaded, a tear finally coming free to fall on her cheek beside her own as he started gently caressing her hair again, "Please, just go to sleep and wake up at home this morning."

There was something else behind the begging, some other secret he was keeping from her. Probably because he really wanted her to wake up and start the day again, but more likely because he was worried this might be the last time she got any kind of restful sleep before reality set in on waking in the hospital tomorrow. "What else aren't you telling me?" she demanded and watched him flinch as if he hadn't expected her to read him so well. Even drugged, she was good at that particular skill, but Castle was an open book in this moment.

"Let's talk about it tomorrow if we have to. Ok?" he hedged, "There's no reason to get into anything else when all of this could be just another memory I forget in the morning while you go through everything again."

She shook her head at him, bracing for the fight she could see coming if she pushed him. "Tell me." she demanded, but he stood firm. She glared at him while he pleaded with her, all in silence, both waiting for the other to crack first. She pushed, "Tell me or get out." she threatened, though actually saying the words had proven more painful than the thought leading up to it, especially as she watched hurt cross Rick's features.

"Please, Kate, just go back to sleep and we can figure out how to stop this when you wake up at home." he tried again, his tone clearly pained, but determined. "What time will you wake this morning?" he asked, and if it weren't for the fact that she knew what he was asking she would have given him crap for slaughtering the grammar of that sentence.

Instead, she just told him, "5:45." her tone betrayed her confusion with where he was going with his question.

"Come by the loft as soon as you get up so we can get started. Alexis was gone before I got up at 6:30 so you don't have to worry about anyone else finding out that you think you're crazy."

She wasn't sure when he continued if he was just trying to further convince her or distract her from their previous topic, but for the moment she decided a little distraction might not be the worst thing to get a little perspective. "Right, because that won't give you the wrong impression, with me showing up as you're rolling out of bed. You won't believe a word of it in that context."

"You know that's not true." He stated, his expression going serious instead of finding humor in her poor attempt at a joke. "If you're worried about it, use the code word 'Trebuchet' and it won't take so much convincing next time."

She cocked an eyebrow at him and repeated, "Trebuchet?" in a tone that clearly spoke to the question she was asking. "I thought your safe word was apples?"

"It's not a 'safe' word; it's a 'code' word. It's for Alexis if I ever need someone to pick her up in an emergency and she doesn't know them. One of those 'don't go with strangers' things they tell parents to do." he explained.

"There's probably a story behind why it's 'trebuchet', though." she noted, absently, more than a little relieved for this reprieve from the serious conversation they had been having. Not to mention, focusing on the hope that she would wake up at home tomorrow kept her from cracking completely.

A bit of remembered happiness lit his face as he detailed a story of taking a young Alexis to the Punkin Chunkin' contest in Delaware, though it was far more subdued than it probably would have been if she asked him this morning. "She loved it so much that her science fair project in second grade was a comparative look at counterweight versus traction trebuchets."

She was glad for the mental image of a seven year old Alexis flinging objects around at a science fair, "You must have loved that."

He returned the smile she'd sent his way, "I still have both of them, I'll show them to you someday."

The comment, while innocent in nature, seemed to slap her back to the present with talks of someday. The softer tone remained, however, and this time when she quietly asked, "Please tell me what happened?" she watched as his resolve cracked around him.

"I don't want this to be real." he told her carefully. "I don't want to be the reason that any of this happened. It's not worth it. I'm not worth it."

She wanted to reassure him, disagree, but she had been having the same thoughts since she spotted Ryan lying dead in that hallway and was worried the reassure would sound hollow. Instead of address the comment, she let him breathe for a moment as she could sense he wasn't finished.

Kate hated seeing the sadness in his eyes as he looked down on her. She wanted nothing more than to stand up and pull him to her, run her hands through his hair and tell him everything was going to be alright, even if she didn't know that it would be.

"Please, just let me die." He finally broke, a quiet sob escaped him and he almost fell into her as he leaned his face into her neck. "It's better that way."

"You've died twice already, that's not the problem." she responded immediately, but couldn't fight the tightness in her throat at seeing him so vulnerable, so broken and completely willing to give up.

"It has to be." he said, pulling in a ragged breath and releasing it hot and moist against her skin. "If we get another chance, you have to let me go. You have to, because if this is real I don't know how I'm supposed to survive the guilt of knowing it was supposed to be me."

"Shh." she tried to sooth him, her hand finally cooperating and moving up to brush along the back of his neck. "It's not your fault." Kate repeated the words three more times before he finally pulled away to look down at her with what could only be anger in his eyes. She knew it wasn't directed at her, only himself, but she didn't respond because that expression of blind anger seemed fitting. She deserved that, too, because it was her stupid plan, always her stupid plans, that got them into worse messes every time she tried to change things.

"It's too much, Beckett." He ground out. "If you don't wake up with a new start on this day tomorrow, I couldn't take it." She opened her mouth to reassure him again, but he cut her off. "No." it was a heated word that killed any she might have formed as the intensity of his reaction took her by surprise. "I couldn't live with the knowledge that saving me was at such a high cost."

He turned away from her, breaking physical contact for the first time since she'd opened her eyes, but leaning against her bed as if he didn't have the strength to stand on his own. His voice came out so quietly that she had to strain to hear him over the heart monitor on her other side.

"Do you have any idea how selfish I feel? How ridiculous my thoughts are right now?" he asked, but she knew it was rhetorical so she allowed him to take a couple of breaths to steady himself before he continued. "I should be thinking about all those men who died tonight and how I'm not worth a single one of them much less all those lives, but you know where my damn mind is?"

It was another rhetorical question. This time, however, she almost stopped him because she felt like she really didn't want to know. He didn't register her intake of breath and instead he continued, "My mind is stuck right here, Kate, right in this room with you because you're not dead, but this is going to kill you."

She was surprised to hear the compassion in his voice as if he actually understood the dark guilt she was feeling for her part in all this. She couldn't have interrupted him then if she wanted to.

"If this is the end of your little 'temporal' experience, this is going to kill you and I don't think I'm strong enough to watch this unfold." his words seemed weighted with more than guilt, but she couldn't figure it out. "You're so damn independent and vibrant and just strong. It's too much and I'm over here selfishly thinking about how there's never going to be anything between us now because the first chance you get you're going to push me away and be stubborn, independent, self-reliant Beckett."

"Castle?" she asked, her confusion bubbling out in his name alone because she had no idea what to ask. He wasn't making any sense.

"It's all so screwed up and I just want you to go to sleep now. Just go to sleep and then you can wake up and we can figure this out and stop it from happening."

"Castle." she interjected again, this time in an attempt to get him to stop more than to ask anything. She was too confused to figure out what he was talking about, but the desperation in his tone was intense.

He finally looked at her, tension palpable in him, his eyes begging, his posture resigned, "Please, Kate, go to sleep."

"Rick, you're scaring me. What's going on?" she didn't mean for it to come out sounding so weak, but that tone apparently had an effect on the man standing over her.

"It's nothing to worry about if you just go to sleep." He replied, suddenly looking completely tired and run down.

"No." she shot back, determination taking over for the momentary fear of earlier, "What if I wake up and it's Wednesday, huh?" The question alone was enough to make him flinch and she almost regretted it, but pushed on instead, "If this is it, we're going to have to face it. It's going to be hard, but it can't keep us down forever."

"Not us, just you." he replied under his breath sounding again like the child she sometimes thought he still was.

She wasn't sure what he even meant by the sarcastic phrase, but it sounded biting and more than a little bitter. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asked, feeling anger start to rise at his juvenile attitude. Grieving was one thing, but she could do without the snarky comments and subtly disguised annoyance.

"Trust me; you really don't want to know."

"Maybe I don't trust you to decide what's best for me." She pushed back, not even sure what she said as she embraced the adrenaline of the moment in the hopes it would alleviate some of the pain that was bearing down on her without the need for a nurse to come in and dope her up some more.

She heard the shocked intake of air and wondered for a moment what she could have said to illicit such a reaction in him. That thought flew right out the window as she searched for an apology once the hurt surfaced, but it was quickly followed by the flexing of his jaw as his eyes turned cold and he leaned over her menacingly. "You want to know so bad that you're willing to tear me down, too? You always have to be in control, don't you? Well, let me tell you something, Beckett, when you wake up and it's this morning again, just remember that I tried to spare you just a little bit of this day, but you're too damn stubborn for your own good."

"Right." She responded sarcastically, "Because keeping whatever you're hiding from me is really to protect me. Get over yourself, Castle." She wanted nothing more than to stop talking, but she seemed to just dig her heals in further every time she opened her mouth.

Anger and frustration radiated off him in waves and he pushed himself away from her bed, turning to pace. At first she thought he was going to storm out, "Don't you walk out on me, Castle, or I swear I'm going to chase you down and beat it out of you."

His laughter was far from the reaction she had been expecting, but it didn't seem to release his tension, "I'd love to see you try, baby." His tone dripped with sarcasm and derision, but he didn't give up the anger, instead he seemed to insulate himself in those negative feelings as if they might protect him from the other pressing emotions of the day. Castle didn't allow her time to respond either to his words or the term of endearment he had stuck on the end as if he were just goading her into a response, begging her to challenge him on it. "You crushed your fucking spine, Kate." He practically yelled the admission she had been trying to wheedle out of him and suddenly she felt dizzy.

This day couldn't get any worse and she suddenly understood why Castle just wanted her to sleep off the rest of this one in the hopes of waking for the next. In one flash of a bomb, her entire homicide team was gone, two dead, one as good as. The tears were quick, not to her eyes, but to his, as he turned from his pacing with a shocked expression as if he hadn't meant to blurt that out to her.

They stared at each other for a long moment, her disbelieving, him shocked and apologetic, but she was the one that broke the silence, "How bad?" she had finally managed, but she could find little pride in her ability to form words. Castle merely shook his head without response and she was forced to try again, this time with the previous anger behind it, "How bad?"

She watched her partner swallow as if it were one of the most difficult things he had ever had to do. "It's bad." was all he managed.

"But it's reparable, right? Physical therapy or whatever and I'll work through it?"

Castle was shaking his head before the words even finished coming out of her mouth. "They don't think so, but maybe once the swelling goes down you'll have range of motion, possibly even feeling restored to some parts. You'll never walk again, Kate."

She was too stunned to speak and the silence that blanketed them this time was neither tense nor easy, it was simply two people so lost in their own thoughts they didn't notice the silence around them.

It was a long time later, after the nurse had come and gone with another dose of pain killers, Rick finally came back to her. He carefully sat against one side of her bed and reached a hand out to caress her cheek. "I'm so sorry, baby." This time his tone was sincere and the endearment fell more reverently from his lips. "Rest now and I'll watch over you."

She almost followed his instructions, until she felt a sudden fear that she would go to sleep and wake up tomorrow instead of starting today again, "I can't."

"Shh," he soothed, "Yes, you can and when you wake up I'll be there. Either here beside you or waiting for eight to finally arrive so I can bring your coffee to work because it's Tuesday again."

She gave him a questioning look for the phrasing of his comment and he returned it with a shy smile and a little shake of his head indicating she'd be getting no further information from him. "What am I going to do?" she asked, not entirely sure whether she was questioning him or herself.

"You're going to sleep for now. If we're here on Wednesday, then I'll find the best surgeons and therapists in the country, whatever you need to get as close to normal as you can, but I don't want to see Wednesday just yet."

As her eyes shut, aided by his soft voice and the drugs now coursing through her system, she felt his lips on her cheek beside his own hand. His warm breath followed by soft words lulled her to a dreamless sleep.

x.x.x

A/N: I forgot this when we started and I don't want to hear about it later, so I'll interject it here: If you're offended by sex, blood, guts, cussing, drinking, violence, cock, or squirrels, if angst upsets you or you have a heart that cannot handle suspense, drama or action, then you should probably read something else, there's a lot of great stuff out there. If you like it or love it or want some more of it, stick around to see if she wakes up on Tuesday again or Wednesday.

Review that made my day: **porcelingods**, for saying it how I feel it. "How could you kill Ryan that's like kicking a puppy or something?" That one was extremely hard to write for the simple fact that I love him so much. Not that it's easy to kill Castle, but there's something about soft and goofy Ryan that just made me so sad to do that.

Also, **Peachy-x-, **I'm sorry you'll never get over it, but I am glad to have helped you realize just how much you love Ryan, because he's awesome.

Thanks for reading.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Tuesday

5:45am

Kate had not been so excited to see this hour of the morning since she was a young girl that still believed in Santa and it was Christmas morning. However, not even that could touch the sense of elation that swept through her as she reached over and turned off her blaring alarm clock. She let out a shaky laugh that seemed to break through and release the tension of the previous night and didn't stop until she found herself happily upright on fully functioning legs as she glanced around her room.

Everything was the same as every other Tuesday and she almost cried with joy at waking in her apartment. She had almost managed to convince herself that it would be Wednesday in the hospital the next time she opened her eyes and now she could admit, if only to herself, that it was so that she wouldn't be disappointed if that were the case.

The giddy feeling surrounded her and lifted her spirits higher than they had been in several days of Tuesday. With the sudden mental clarity of not being drugged for pain anymore, Kate's thoughts from the night before came rushing back to her. She had put the pieces together in a way that finally made sense.

That first night, Castle had died trying to save her. The second he died because of her, the third had been a disaster of epic proportions, but through it all, one thing remained the same.

Kate lived.

Every single time others died and she lived. It was a thought that swam in her head the previous night in the stairwell and later in the hospital bed. This all started with someone dying to protect her, and now, more than ever, she was convinced that the act of Castle saving her that first night was the cosmic hiccup that started this whole mess. It wasn't that he wasn't supposed to die; it was that she should have been the one to go.

The thought hurt enough to feel like a physical presence crushing her with the weight of that knowledge. It was shocking and distressing, but the alternatives were even worse. Castle had a daughter who loved and depended on him. Ryan had a fiancé and his whole life was laid out before him. Even Esposito had more tying him to people than she did. None of them was worth the trade as Castle had informed her the previous day, but she could honestly look at herself and see that it was the only real choice.

She thought of her dad and how much he would miss her, how he might fall off the wagon again, but she'd ask Castle to look after him. Thoughts of Castle had her glancing back at her clock as she hurried to get dressed. He'd given her more than enough information to know that he would be home alone this morning and she definitely didn't want an audience for the fight she was certain would result from her trying to convince him that her plan was the only option.

Kate managed to dress and make it to his house in a little over twenty minutes. She was just raising her fist to knock when the door opened and Alexis jumped, startled to find Beckett on the other side of the door. "I'm sorry." Kate said immediately, feeling a little nervous to be standing there at barely after six in the morning.

"It's ok." Alexis replied with a little smile to further emphasize the truth in her statement. "Dad's still asleep; do you want me to get him up?"

Kate shook her head before thoughts formed in her mind, "I'll get him up; you look like you're heading to school. Isn't it a little early?"

Alexis gave her a shy smile that made the girl look like the seven year old vision Beckett had of her the day before, "It's Tuesday, I have a Model U.N. meeting at seven."

"Don't wear yourself out, Lex." Kate said, suddenly realizing this might be the last time she saw the girl.

Surprisingly, she was not uncomfortable with Kate dropping the shortened form of her name so casually. It felt more intimate and she wanted Alexis to be able to look back on her time in the teen's life with some form of fondness and to remember that the last conversation they had was just them without murder or her father as a distraction.

"I'm good, Detective Beckett." Alexis responded, a subtle quirk of her lips told Kate she was intrigued with whatever was going on, but unlike her father she didn't delve right in and try to dig out answers.

Kate smiled at her and considered her words carefully, "I just don't want you to burn out so young." She responded, intentionally keeping her tone light as if she were joking, but feeling the weight of the words coming out between them. Before Alexis could respond, Beckett pushed forward to more serious thoughts, "You are an amazing young woman and you're going to make a difference in the world, I have no doubts about that."

Alexis gaped at her for a moment, seemingly unable to determine a response to Kate's heartfelt proclamation of her faith in the teen. She could practically see the wheels spinning in Alexis' head as the girl tried to make sense of where this seemingly out of the blue shift in her relationship with the detective had come from.

Kate didn't give her long to contemplate it as she continued back in a lighter tone, but halfway through making her point she couldn't help as she slipped back into that serious tone again. "You need to make sure you don't burn out at 17 so you still have the drive to do all the remarkable things that you're sure to accomplish in your life."

Silence greeted her statement for a moment and Alexis looked away as if embarrassed by the praise, something she found entirely endearing considering the girl's father. "Is everything ok, Kate?" Alexis asked her once the silence stretched too far for her.

She knew things were far from ok and that there was nothing she could do to change the outcome of the day ahead of her. She just couldn't tell the teen that she was aware that she would die today. Instead, she latched onto the girl's words. "You called me Kate." she replied, feeling a little dumb for stating the obvious.

She smiled at the teen she had been trying to convince for the last couple of years that she didn't have to call her Detective Beckett all the time and for a moment her determination wavered. She didn't want to die, but she had to end this and if she was going to go, Kate could at least be glad for last moments with those she'd be leaving behind. It was a chance to provide them a little peace of mind when all was said and done.

Alexis shrugged, looking a little nervous about being called out, "Well, it didn't really feel like a Detective Beckett kind of moment."

Kate chuckled softly at that, not nervous or anything negative, though this situation was far from a normal one for the two to find themselves in. It should have felt more awkward, but it just felt right and it was one more thing to hammer home the fact that she had missed out on so much. "Can I tell you something?" she asked before she could talk herself out of it.

"You're dating my dad, aren't you?" Alexis asked, a knowing smile tilting the right side of her mouth up just a little.

"What?" Kate asked, more than a little surprised with the question that seemed to come out of left field. "No." she amended, probably with a little more intensity than she had intended if the look on Alexis' face was anything to go by. "Why would you even think that?"

There was a moment of awkward silence where Kate thought Alexis might ignore the question and head off down the hall as she had been intending to when she ran into Kate. Instead, the girl's eyes finally rose to meet hers with a quirked eyebrow as if to say she wasn't an idiot, "You're here at six in the morning."

"Castle said he got a lead on the case." She responded, only speaking a half truth and hoping Alexis didn't pick up on it.

The teen seemed to weigh the response a moment before shrugging it off and moving on, this time not fully meeting Kate's gaze, "You're being unusually nice to me."

"Why would that have anything to do with your dad?" Beckett was genuinely confused and hoped to clear this up quickly so that the last conversation she had with Alexis didn't leave the girl with the impression that it was less than genuine.

"You know I'm the child of a single father, right?" Beckett didn't attempt a response, simply cocked her head to the side to indicate for Alexis to continue, because she really had no idea where the teen was headed with that train of thought. "There's this strange phenomenon where women who date single fathers somehow think they are obligated to be overly solicitous to the child. It's incredibly fake, but it's apparently some kind of keeping the peace, self-preservation instinct ingrained in the female population."

Kate would have laughed at the ridiculousness of the theory if she didn't catch the subtle insecurities creeping out of the teen. If a moment before should have felt awkward, then standing just outside the door to Castle's loft and wrapping an arm around the shoulders of the man's teenage daughter should have been unbearable. Instead, she felt a little sad as Alexis tensed under the gesture, "Alexis, can I tell you what I was going to say now?"

It was a long silent moment where neither gave up their ground, but when Alexis simply nodded and didn't move away, Beckett felt as if she had made some kind of progress.

"It's not something I've ever shared, so you have to promise you aren't going to run off and tell your dad. Because you know he'll hound me for details the rest of my life if he found out." Kate almost choked on the words 'rest of my life' as the realization sank in that this day was the last one.

Alexis gave her a shocked look, almost pulling away from her in the haste to look directly at the detective, "No way." she responded fervently and looking as if she might be a little hurt that the older woman would even suggest it.

"When I was growing up," she started and watched Alexis' eyes go wide. Despite the time they'd spent together while she'd lived with them after her house was destroyed or the couple of lunches they had shared to talk through a problem Alexis was having, none of their conversations had started that way. Kate could tell Alexis was surprised, but also intrigued, her daughter's father through and through. "I always wanted a little sister that I could teach all about life, someone to share secrets with." She trailed off a moment, taking a breath as she wondered if this was even close to the right way to give the girl closure after the events of the day unfolded.

"I grew up an only child and I never thought that I would have that kind of bond, but you, Alexis, are not just my partner's kid, ok? You're more like that little sister I always wanted. Even if there was something between your father and I, which there isn't," she amended quickly, delighting the girl out of her shock and into a comfortable smile, "I would hope that wouldn't change us."

Alexis averted her eyes from Kate's gaze and left the older woman wondering if there was something she did wrong, if she had overstepped or said the wrong thing. "Well, damn," Alexis finally responded, her voice tight and lower than normal. Kate thought she might be fighting a serious case of fury until she heard a small nervous laugh. The teens eyes rose to meet Kate's again and she gave her a tentative smile. With such a mix of emotions blatantly on display for Kate to read, it was no wonder her dad always beat her at poker. "I guess we're passed me calling you Detective Beckett then, huh?"

There was a humorous lean to the words, but Kate read the raw vulnerability and longing in the young girl's expression the underscored the lightness of the comment. "Yeah, probably." she responded simply, gently squeezing the teen's shoulders before releasing her. "You should get to school before you're late."

Alexis nodded, finally stepping fully out into the hall and leaving the door open for Kate to enter the loft behind her. Instead of heading straight in, Beckett watched the teen walk towards the elevator as she wondered about how she hadn't counted the girl as one of the people in her life when she'd been comparing who had more to lose from dying tonight.

Just as she was about to shake off the thought and head inside the loft, Alexis stopped and turned back towards her. The teen seemed a little surprised to see the detective standing there still watching her walk away, but she just smiled back down the hall, "You know, Kate, you're not the only kid in a single child home who's had that particular dream." for a moment Kate thought she was saying that she'd always wanted a big sister, and her heart melted a little bit for the pain she was about to cause the teen with her actions tonight. Instead, with a cheeky smile, Alexis continued, "Of course, you could always get over whatever's holding you back and get to work on making me a kid brother."

It was a long moment after the redhead disappeared into the elevator that her words fully registered and Kate felt herself blush at the suggestion, while simultaneously dismissing the mental picture or what that little boy would look like.

Absently, she shifted inside the loft and closed the door, flicking the deadbolt into place out of habit. Lost in thoughts she probably shouldn't be having considering there was no future for her after today, she found herself gravitating to Castle's room. His door was cracked open and she pushed at it before stepping into his darkened space.

Her eyes fell on him and for a moment that vision popped back up to torment her with all the regrets for a life she never made time for. He looked as innocent and vulnerable as any child in that moment. His hair was tousled, lips slightly parted as he lay sprawled across the bed with his lower half tangled in his blanket exposing one plaid pajama pants covered leg. However, there was nothing childlike about the broad expanse of skin from his bare chest and she took a moment to admire his form as his chest rose and fell.

Thoughts of children fled in a hazy storm of regrets that she couldn't do a damn thing about, but seeing him lying there like that she realized there were other more primitive regrets in her life. She did have a regret or two that didn't require nine months of gestation and eighteen years of love and support, a few things she had pushed to the side and no longer had the time or will to ignore.

Moving before she lost her nerve, Kate pulled off her jacket and laid it across the chair near his door before she circled the bed to look down at her sleeping partner.

x.x.x

A/N: Wow, you guys are amazing. I'm guessing from the response you all liked last chapter. I'm glad I did it justice because that one had been working in my brain since the beginning and I wanted to get it right.

Point of clarification on squirrels, since so many of you commented on that (you all cracked me up with the little quips!). I mentioned them only to let you know that anything and everything could happen in my story. I'm not politically correct, I'm not shy and I'm not afraid to delve into dark topics (obviously). There will be no literal squirrels, so come out from under your desk and just relax because I'm not going to surprise you buy springing one out of a closet next chapter.

Review that made my day: **KSA**, for putting into words the best "You're a big old meanie/I hate you" review I've ever read by describing yourself to me in such a way that I believe you are the epitome of the perfect fanfic reader. Thank you for having so much faith in the journey.

Thanks for reading.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

Kate allowed her eyes to trace the as yet unseen planes of her partner's bare chest. She felt her breathing go shallow as her fingers itched to reach out and touch him, but she restrained herself. She didn't know how long she stood there before she was finally able to pull her gaze from him and she allowed herself a moment to take in the space around her.

She'd never been into his room before, and she was pleasantly surprised by the subtle masculine style. She would have pegged him as the type to go for more opulence in his personal space, but the earth tones and oversized furniture spoke more to comfort than it broadcasted his wealth. She wasn't actually surprised by the style considering she had already seen almost every other room in the loft and the space surrounding him oozed as much style as the man himself. What surprised her was how comfortable she found herself in the space.

When her eyes fell on the clock beside his bed, she found herself thinking back to the previous night and his comment about Alexis being gone when he'd gotten up at six thirty. That meant, the clock would likely start trying to wake him in just a few minutes and she wasn't quite ready to part with this version of her partner. If she was completely honest with herself, something she was attempting to force herself to be considering it was the last chance she'd have to do so, she could admit that she wasn't entirely ready to have the man awake. Flustered, beyond belief, she leaned over and found the alarm switch in the soft light of his room and flipped it so the clock wouldn't wake him.

Her gaze shifted back to her partner and she was amused to see a subtle smile on his lips. She wondered what he could be dreaming about in that moment, but knowing him it was probably outside of her ability to imagine such a thing.

Instead of waste time with those thoughts, she let herself look on him in a way she never really had the opportunity to do while he was awake. So many familiar features tied together to make the man who lay before her and her eyes caressed each of them. The lines of his face were relaxed in sleep, making him look peaceful beneath a head of adorably ruffled hair. There was a skiff of stubble along his jaw that confirmed her theory that he was a morning shaver and made her almost itch with the urge to feel it against her skin.

Kate's eyes followed the line of his jaw back to his neck and traced them down until she was taking in the sight of Castle unabashedly shirtless. Of course, if he knew that she was standing beside his bed drinking in the sight of him as if he were a clear spring in an endless desert, then he may actually be a little more reserved.

When the urge for tactile sensation became nearly unbearable, she felt her hand finally rise from her side. So light that she barely felt the contact, her fingers flutter across the skin at his hair line, moving to his smooth temple. Without thinking, she slowly moved along his brow, feeling the hairs tickle at her fingertips. She pulled her hand back as if she had been burned when he moved suddenly to bat away whatever had been tickling him.

With a mental sigh of relief or perhaps frustration with her own inability to make a move, she brought her fingers back up into contact with his warm flesh. Rough stubble along his jaw and then down further to the incredibly smooth skin of his neck. Castle moaned softly in his sleep and seemed to tilt his head as if giving her permission to continue the exploration.

Her gaze shifted back to his relaxed expression, but her fingers continued their gentle exploration. As her hypersensitive digits moved across to follow the line of his collar bone, she watched his expression of peace. She was almost shocked out of her focus when Castle's eyes suddenly popped open. She didn't have a chance to react to that as nearly in the same moment, his grip came around the wrist of her exploring hand, stopping her in her tracks.

He blinked once, and then surprised a gasp that was more of a squeak from her lips as he tugged on her arm in the same motion as he rolled. Before she knew it, she was pinned beneath him as he looked down at her with an expression of utter confusion. Kate didn't miss the intimate way he seemed to naturally settle into the cradle of her thighs as he rolled over her and blinked again. Her free hand seemed to naturally gravitate to his chest, but instead of pushing against him as she probably should, it simply rested there, feeling the steady beat of his heart against her palm and the warmth of his skin.

"Beckett?" he asked, his voice thick with sleep, but as soon as the name rumbled out of him with apparent realization, she felt him grow incredibly hard against her. She opened her mouth to explain herself, but she couldn't think of a single rational reason that she had been practically molesting her partner in his sleep, so the only thing that came out was a breathy sigh. She watched the confusion melt away in a sea of desire as she continued to silently meet his gaze.

Kate knew she should say something, but had just barely taken a breath to attempt speech again when Castle's grip on her wrist tightened for just a moment before his mouth descended on hers with an unmistaken intensity.

His weight bore down on her, his mouth taking hers in a kiss so full of hunger and passion that she wasn't sure she ever wanted to come up for air. She felt his tongue instantly find hers and the stubble she had been thinking about mere moments before scraped across her sensitive lips in a way so delicious that she groaned at the contract. Castle's lips were forceful and strong against hers, but so soft that the tiny pricks of hair lining his soft mouth were a shock to her senses.

She didn't need any encouragement to meet the intensity of his kiss and after a moment she stopped trying to prevent her hips from rocking up into the hard press of his body. Her action pulled a low moan from his chest and he released her wrist to move a hand to her hip. Now free, she had two hands to push against this, but instead, she buried her free hand in his hair and held him to her while his fingers brushed under the hem of her shirt, slowly moving up her waist.

His touch was gentle, a direct contrast to the bruising intensity of his kiss. A moment later his movement stopped as his whole body tensed above her. Before she realized what was happening, he'd torn himself away from her and rocked back onto his knees. His eyes fell to her stomach as both hands tugged at the hem of her shirt. It wasn't an attempt to remove the garment, simply shifting the bottom edge up enough for him to see where his fingers had been touching her a moment before.

The scar, Beckett almost flinched when she realized what had distracted him so completely, but the look on his face was anything but what she would have expected. Perhaps surprise or sorrow would grace his features at finding the small, but jagged evidence of a long ago struggle with a suspect that didn't end well. She even wouldn't have been shocked to see disgust or pity, but confusion was not something she had anticipated.

"Oh, God." he released in a ragged breath before dragging his eyes away from the scar to meet hers. "Kate?" he asked.

She couldn't respond; wouldn't have known what to say if she did have the ability for speech, so she looked up at him and gave a minimalist nod. It was almost like a casual greeting, one they had shared many time, no words, just a simple nod to acknowledge the other's presence when their eyes met before they were close enough for speech.

Castle's eyes seemed to go wide with realization and he shifted from between her legs to roll away from her, coming to rest on his back beside where she still lay confused. "I'm so sorry." he finally said, his strained voice barely audible over their ragged breathing.

"It was a long time ago." she explained, casting a self-conscious glance down to her abdomen before yanking the shirt down to cover the scar that had so turned him off.

When Castle chuckled, she shot a glare his direction only to see he had risen on an elbow to face her and was holding his free hand up in surrender. "Not for the scar." He took a deep breath in and seemed to hold it for a moment before releasing it in a heavy sigh. "I meant for attacking you like that. I wasn't quite awake and I just thought. . ." his voice drifted away and left her wondering what he had been on the verge of saying.

"You thought, what?" she prodded and watched as he seemed to wince and then glance away as if frustrated with himself for saying anything. For a last day, this experience was proving incapable of providing any kind of closure for either of them. It was a difficult realization to find that a man who seemed to fawn over her on a regular basis, one she couldn't resist admitting she felt more than just attracted to, was actually mortified to have touched her.

It was several long seconds of Castle looking agitated before his eyes finally met hers and he swallowed with effort, "I thought I was dreaming, but I've never dreamt you with scars."

Her first reaction was shock, followed quickly by confusion. Castle had confounded her and it took several long seconds before she realized that his reaction was genuine and this one was born out of fear that he had read the situation wrong and practically attacked her without her consent. Kate rolled up on an elbow so she was facing him and allowed a teasing smile to light her face, "Do you dream about me often?" she asked, quirking her eyebrow with a teasing little half smile.

"Please, Kate, if you care about my dignity at all, you will let this go." Castle rolled onto his back and threw an arm over his eyes as he groaned. "Are you here about the case?" he asked. His voice was tense and tight as he attempted to change the subject.

Ignoring the question, Kate reached over and let the backs of her fingers trace slowly across the rough stubble on his cheek, down his jaw to his neck until they brushed against soft skin. She felt a shiver race through his body from the contact. "No." she responded simply.

He only left her waiting for a response for a couple of seconds before his arm moved up to rest high on his forehead as he shifted his eyes to meet hers. Kate didn't wait for any further sign as she let her hand slip down to splay across his chest and hold her up as she shifted towards him.

Beckett kept her eyes locked with his, watching the myriad of emotions play across his features as she closed the space between them and let her lips gently graze his. She pulled back a fraction of an inch and waited for the reaction that she was now certain would come from that gesture.

Castle didn't disappoint and his head rose off the bed just slightly as he reached for her lips with his own. His kiss was a little more firm than hers had been, but still carefully exploring the boundaries before resting his head back on the mattress and opening his eyes. It seemed as if time was not the factor that she knew it was as they traded careful caresses of lips against lips.

She knew there was less than twelve hours in her life, but, despite the pleasure that the passion of a few minutes ago had inspired in her, the swell of emotions that came with this slow exploration seemed to pull time to a stop just for them. The longing she felt in his kiss ignited a white hot fire unlike the heat they had generated only minutes earlier.

It could have been minutes or hours later for all the attention she was paying the time, when he finally moved to her, grasped her hip and rolled her more firmly against his side. She deepened the kiss, sliding her tongue into his mouth and teasing his out to meet her. She was lost in him for several long minutes before her own thoughts finally started weighing in with overwhelming intensity.

The thought of dying tonight and leaving this as his last memory with her was enough to dampen the flame of her desire. She didn't want to use him like this, despite how much she would like not to have regrets about having put this off for too long.

With a deep growl that rumbled through both their chests, Castle rolled until she was beneath him again and pulled his mouth from hers. He started to work his way across her jaw and down the column of her neck while her thoughts continued to spiral out of control. She didn't want to cry and destroy his last memories of her. Kate tried to think about the situation objectively, something that Castle's teasing mouth was making very difficult.

She gasped when his teeth nipped delicately against her flesh and his hands started to explore the skin of her sides, somehow ending up beneath her shirt without her realizing it. The man was maddening, but she allowed herself a moment to think about how she would feel in his shoes. She knew from recent experience that it wouldn't have been easier to know he was dead never having experienced this passion with him. Perhaps, having this moment would have made Castle's passing, not easier, but less fraught with confusing thoughts of regrets and guilt for never taking a chance.

She almost laughed about how brave she was to take a chance when she already knew that outcome. Monday she had been content to keep going through her life, if not completely oblivious, at least in denial. Monday she was fine with the status quo and happier to keep herself buried in doubts because it was safer for her heart. Living through three Tuesdays as she had, was enough to slap a modicum of sense into her. It was enough to remind her that people had hearts for a reason and she had wasted too much time worrying about having hers broken by him and not enough on how she might feel if she never risked it and lost him anyway.

She had somehow found herself here, on the precipice of doing something she had avoided for so long simply because she knew there would be no repercussions and it left her with a distinct feeling of cowardice. Kate didn't want to think about the emotional turmoil having this moment would cause Castle later when she was gone, but her mind went there anyway as he started carefully unfastening the buttons of her shirt and following the exposed skin with gentle kisses and caresses.

It wasn't until her shirt was open and his warm breath washed over her stomach that she realized if she were the one actually losing him, she would not want to have wasted the day away without knowing all the things about him that she had left undiscovered. Just as Castle finished the last button on her shirt, he pulled his mouth from her skin and moved back up her body to take hers in another heated kiss.

This was their moment and even if it was the last one they had, she was certain that he would be glad to have known they would have been good together if they hadn't been so stubborn. If _she_ hadn't been so stubborn.

Determination drove her movements as she flipped them and straddled his hips. Beckett rocked slowly against him as she sat up straight and pulled the shirt off her, tossing it to the side blindly before falling back to his lips. Her skin felt electrified where it touched his and a low moan pulled from her lips at the intensity of the reaction.

Time seemed to have been jolted back to a start again as their kisses became more heated, more intense and filled with the promise of what was to come. She had to pull away from him to reach the button and zip on her pants and she watched his eyes intently following the movement of her fingers. When she brought herself back down against him, his hands trailed down her back and beneath the waistband of her pants, slipping inside both layers to cup her ass and guide her as she ground her pelvis against his.

His lower lip founds its way between her teeth and it was a long moment before she realized how much pressure she was putting on the delicate flesh. She released it, but Rick wasn't deterred. He continued to plunder her mouth with his own, perhaps even a little more desperately than before and she wiggled against him, suddenly impatient and completely aware of exactly how much still stood in their way.

Somehow, she managed to wiggle out of her remaining clothes without breaking the gentle rocking rhythm they had established that was singlehandedly responsible for her complete loss of coherent thought. Impatience coupled with her deduction that she would have to move away from him in order to do the same with his pajama pants, had her reaching between them. She quickly found the button on the fly of his pants and considering the look she had gotten of him earlier while he lay sprawled beside her with an arm over his eyes, she was not surprised to find it the only barrier between them.

He was so hard against her that he seemed to come out of the opening she created with very little encouragement from her fingers and she took only a moment to appreciate the feel of him hot and hard in her hand before she positioned herself to sink onto him. She was already anticipating the feel of him inside of her before she started to move, but his hands at her hips suddenly became rough and forcefully pulled her away from her goal. She was surprised at the action and stumbled against him, landing her stomach across his chest and looking down to watch him take one of her already over stimulated nipples into his mouth.

Warm and moist, his mouth slowly worked over one and then the other before he finally pulled away and looked up to meet her gaze, "Kate, slow down. Are you even sure you want to do this?"

She almost punched him because she was certain he could feel her moisture against his stomach where he had pulled her to rest against him. At the same time, she could understand where he was coming from because to him this was all sudden and shocking, whereas it was only a small event in comparison to the things she had lived through recently.

Kate pulled back to look down at him a moment before she leaned in and kissed him to silence again. She didn't want either of them overanalyzing this, especially Castle, when he was going to be the one left reliving this last moment with her after she was gone. Instead she deliberately shifted and started to trail teasing kisses across his shoulders, down his chest. She continued to shift down his body until she was faced with the evidence of his desire for her.

Something about pulling this reaction from him, while she knew it was a natural one, made her feel extremely powerful. This little bit of control in a day that was notorious for taking all of her control away, made her feel nearly lightheaded with the rush of power. Her fingers curled around the waistband of his pajama pants as her warm breath ghosted over his already heated flesh. She watched his cock pulse at the wash of her breath over his skin and felt another tingle of pleasure for her power over him.

On a groan he lifted his hips and allowed her to pull the pants from him. When she came back to him, she settled her mouth against his stomach, kissing and trailing her tongue across his skin as the length of him pressed insistently in the valley between her breasts. When she felt his fingers in her hair, trying to guide her back up to his mouth, she resisted the pull. Kate arched her back as she rose slightly above him and looked up the length of his body to shoot him a saucy smile before deliberately shuffling to the side to let one taut nipple trace delicately from the tip of his cock to the base before moving to let the other participate.

He was making a desperate gurgling sound in the back of his throat as he twitched involuntarily against her and his fingers tightened, trying desperately to draw her back up to his kiss. This time she didn't fight him and soon found herself completely skin on skin against the entire length of his body. The sensation was enough to distract her and he rolled them again so she was beneath him.

The feel of his hot flesh pressed insistently along the moist heat of her own was enough to distract her with the thought that they were one shift of his hips or her own away from being joined completely, intimately. It took her a moment to realize that he had braced his weight on his hands and was looking down on her completely still. "You need to tell me something first."

Her fingers continued to explore his chest and back as she met his gaze with an expression that she hoped conveyed her acceptance of his conditional question, because she didn't know if she would be capable of saying anything other than to beg him not to stop.

"Tell me this isn't a one-time thing?" he asked, narrowly avoided it classifying as begging. His eyes pleaded with her and she saw the resignation in his features the moment that panic swam over her.

She knew it was only going to be one time, because the sand in her hourglass was up, but that wasn't something she was willing to tell him anymore. Initially, she had started the day with every intention of doing so, but now she knew that it was the last thing she wanted him to know. He would just try to talk her out of it or stop her from going and she couldn't risk it.

She also didn't want to risk getting this far and then having him think that she had only slept with him the one time for some reason and she didn't actually want anything more. She did, more than anything, but it wasn't in the cards for her and she had been stupid to wait so long. She couldn't answer his question; she knew he would spot the lie in her. Instead, she went with something equally moronic to voice in this situation. "I love you." she told him sincerely, feeling the weight of the words lifting off her as if they had been holding her down. Tears pricked her eyes as she prayed the knowledge wouldn't shatter him when the end came for her.

His expression went from disappointed that she wasn't confirming that this was going to be more than one night, to elation at her actual response. He didn't reciprocate the expression, but she hadn't expected him to. Still, the way he took her mouth with his and carefully cradled her head in his hand as his lips moved across her, was enough of an unspoken acknowledgement to lift whatever weight the sentiment had left over her.

One of his hands dropped to her hip to stop her gently rocking against him and she felt him shift his own hips to an angle that slid the tip of his cock into place, ready to join them. She wanted to rock up into him, capture this moment that had been so elusive, but his grip on her hip stopped her from following through.

Almost painfully slowly, he moved forward to sheath the head of him inside her and she watched as his eyes slammed shut, his face contorting as if in pain. He released a long ragged breath before he blinked his eyes back open to look down on her. He seemed lost in a daze for a long moment and then his eyes widened slightly, "Wait, what about…"

She cut him off with a shake of her head. She knew where he was going with that and it wasn't something she needed either of them to worry about. She was clean and wouldn't leave him with any lasting reminders of their time together and then there was her.

She wouldn't have to worry about catching something from him or ending up pregnant because she wouldn't live long enough for it to matter. If he asked specifically whether she was on the pill, she couldn't lie. Technically she was never on the pill, she was never able to follow a regular enough life schedule to make taking the pills every day even practical in her lifestyle, so while she probably had an old pack in her medicine cabinet from three or four years ago, it was likely expired, if those things expired. Instead she was a fan of the Depo-Provera shot because it allowed for six months between doses, but hers had expired three months before and she hadn't scheduled an appointment for another injection. Were she not about to die, she was fairly certain she'd switch to the more long term Norplant to avoid just these scheduling issues when she got so wrapped up in work that nothing else seemed to matter.

Technically, if she weren't about to die in less than eleven hours, she would have been the most adamant proponent for the necessities of protection. Instead, her current state of knowing what she faced left her brutally honest. She looked at him with open eyes and spoke the truth as she knew it, because even she was started to get concerned with the amount of silence that had followed his question. "No risks." she informed him, feeling more than a little ridiculous having this conversation after they had let things get further than they should before these things are taken into consideration.

She could see the question forming in his eyes, however, and she was done with this line of thought. Not only was it killing the mood, she was going to crack if he pushed too hard and the truth would come spilling out of her. She went straight for the jugular with her next comment, certain that the slight huskiness in her voice didn't hurt her case, either. "I want to feel you, all of you."

His mouth descended in a hard press of his lips on hers, the action so quick that she didn't have a chance to respond before he was pulling away. He only moved back far enough to lock eyes with her, though her vision was slightly out of focus from his close proximity. Castle's mouth hovered over hers, close enough that each hot breath from his mouth washed across her lips in quick almost panting breaths. She would have counted them to see how long he would wait there on the precipice, but they only made it through two quick shallow breaths before her own breathing stopped momentarily on a silent gasp as he shifted.

She felt every inch of him as he moved slowly into her, stretching her deliciously around his hot flesh. That breath lay trapped in her lungs as he filled her, so slowly that she felt her lungs start to burn with want for fresh oxygen. When his hips rested against hers she shifted her own up to angle more flush and pull that last fraction of him into her body before she finally released the air from her lungs in two staccato pants followed by a low sigh.

His lips found hers again in a kiss far more reverent than the one a moment before as he lay over her, filling and surrounding her as he demonstrated the skills of his tongue against her own mouth as if imitating movements his hips should be making instead. He didn't move however, nothing but his lips and tongue, stroking her own, teeth nipping lightly at her lips, savoring the moment. It seemed a long time later that he reared back on his hands against the mattress to look down on her.

Castle seemed as if he were about to say something, but she rocked her hips back into the give of the mattress, allowing for a slight separation of their bodies before she lifted her hips back up to take him fully inside her again. His words, whatever they were, died on an almost growl as the action spurred him to follow.

He moved slowly at first, the full length of him nearly leaving her before sliding back in, meeting her hips as she raised them. She urged him on with her movements, silently begging him to increase the pace of his thrusts until he finally seemed to lose all sense of control. His kisses and caresses became less focused as his hips moved with hers, but those eyes continued to look down on her with an expression she had never had another person grace her with. It was subtle, but she could see everything shining out to her in his eyes that he had never given voice to.

She began to wonder at the logic of leaving him this memory. She had finally talked around the issue in her head enough to realize that she couldn't tell him the truth, couldn't take the hope of a future away by letting him know what was coming their way this evening. She had just started working out a plan to keep him out of the precinct and in the dark about her impending death when she felt a shock of pleasure race through her.

Kate's eyes shot open to meet his with a startled feeling she was sure communicated in her expression if Rick's smile was anything to go by. On his next thrust that shock of pleasure grew more intense. She didn't understand how she could have been so lost in thought that she didn't see her climax racing from the horizon, but there it was, panting at the gates to break free and on another firm stroke from him she shattered, quaking and screaming into the room around them, silenced only by Castle's mouth descending on hers again.

He stilled against her, buried to the hilt within her body and limited his movements to rocking his pelvis against hers, drawing out the waves of pleasure. When her eyes opened again he was looking down on her with a contented smile. He leaned in and gave her a brief kiss before he started moving again. His pace was slowed, less urgent, meeting her relaxed post climax state. He seemed to read her mind or sense her needs as she came back fully to their experience together and his movements picked up tempo right along with the synapses firing in her brain.

She could see the lines of tension in his features as he fought to maintain control and it pulled an instinctive need from her, a desire to watch him lose that control. She started to roll her hips in small tight circles on each of his down strokes and stopped herself from muffling the sounds that wanted to escape her at the feeling of him moving with her in a way she had almost gone her whole life without knowing.

She continued to watch his face as her hands played over his body, for once glad not to be the one in the driver's seat of this experience because she wanted to feel every part of him. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut and his brow furrowed. "Oh, yes, Rick." she gasped, her voice low and raspy, but barely a whisper to move between them.

That seemed to be the last straw. His eyes snapped to hers, his brow relaxed and his hands that she hadn't even realized where taking turns exploring her body as hers had been exploring his, suddenly grasped her hips. His weight bore down on her more prevalently as he stilled her hips from their circular motion that was obviously driving him to distraction.

"Kate," he said into the bubble of bliss they had created, his voice soft as if not wanting to break the spell. He didn't have anything to add to that proclamation of her name while he gave her several firm strokes as he panted and moaned with her. He seemed to be asking with his eyes if she was sure, because this was obviously her last opportunity to back out. She was so far from sure of the outcome considering she no longer had the will to walk into certain death in a few short hours. Regardless, she knew it was what she had to do.

"Please." she begged him, not sure even what she was asking for until his rhythm faltered. He grew incredibly hard inside of her as he swelled in preparation for his own release and she knew what that please had requested.

He chanted her name like a prayer as he swelled and then pulsed inside her. She had never had that particular feeling before, never known the connection of flesh on flesh or the feeling of warmth spreading through her as he came in a shaky limbed series of shallow thrusts and deep rumbling admiration.

It wasn't until she'd attempted to milk the last drops of his release from him by sliding herself along his shaft that and she rubbed against him fully that she realized she was right there falling over the precipice with him as well.

This one was even more of a surprise than the last and left her a trembling mess of overstimulated nerves as it seemed to successfully convert her bones to some gelatinous state. What seemed an eternity of heavy breathing later, her eyes finally opened again to find his looking down on her with such tender admiration that felt that now all too familiar lump rise in her throat.

"I love you, Kate." his tone was free of any light hints that normally permeated his speech. It was a simple statement, but his voice and that expression let her know just how serious he was.

This time, she didn't stop herself when thoughts of what she was about to do to him overwhelmed her. Kate let the tears fall.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry for the delay. I had to do some 'research'. Take that how you will. ;)

Review that made my day: **scarf123**, for being brave enough to throw out your theories. Also, the thought about Groundhog Day? Yeah, I'm probably going to steal that. I have a chapter or two down the road where I'll need a lot of little things to make up several days and that might end up being one of them.

and **Celeste.**, yes it did, every review makes my day, but there's always one that either has me laughing or leaves me contemplating something I had done subconsciously, or maybe I just received that one while I was having a bad day at work and it made things better.

Thanks for reading.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

Kate Beckett had fallen in love with the freedom of an open road at a young age. Pulling her motorcycle out of its climate controlled storage unit usually resulted in an improvement in her mood that lasted for at least a couple of days after she took it back.

Getting out on a ride was usually successful at wiping any worries she might have had from her mind and clearing out doubts or insecurities. Unfortunately, even that didn't seem to be enough as she weaved her way through busy streets on her way to a lunch meeting. Nothing seemed capable of wiping the bitter taste of her own lies off her tongue.

As she continued towards a situation she didn't think she would be able to handle, she let her thoughts roam free. It wasn't surprising when her mind took her right back to Castle's bed that she had managed to find her way out of less than an hour before.

Castle's reaction to her mini-meltdown had surprised her and left her slightly shell shocked. He had noticed her tears and despite her own frustration with them he simply gave her a slight smile as he leaned into her and kissed the trail her tears had fallen. He had shifted to support his weight on an elbow so he could bring a hand up to gently cradle her cheek as his lips moved tenderly over her temples, tracing the path of her tears as his thumb smoothed delicately over the skin on her cheek.

He provided silent comfort and care in seemingly direct contrast to the explosive passion of only moments before and she was left confused by her own reaction to the gesture. When he'd finally lifted his lips from her skin and met her eyes, she noticed a sheen in his own eyes that surprised her again. "Sometimes," he whispered into the slight space between them sounding almost shy in his admission, "I thought I'd die before I ever saw this day."

Kate fought her reaction to those words from him, having known a time when his statement were the truth, "I'm sorry." was all she could managed before her throat felt too tight to say more.

She watched her statement draw out that guarded expression he didn't normally have as he considered her briefly. "What are you apologizing for?" he asked, his voice obviously forced into a casual tone, but she had heard his question as intended.

She knew he was asking if she was apologizing for their time together, so she managed a smile and responded, "For waiting so long; too long."

"No." he responded as the guarded expression fell away, replaced with the barest of smiles, "Not too long." he paused a moment and then cocked his head to the side as if to consider her, but the teasing tilt of his lips and twinkle in his eyes was enough to warn her something silly was about to pop out of his mouth. "Unless you're making a joke about my age in which case I may have a response to that."

She did allow herself a brief chuckle at that, but the sound was short lived as his mouth and hands set to work in a careful exploration of all the places he missed giving notice to in their slightly rushed first coupling. Unlike moments earlier, his exploration of her body was slow and sweet, almost agonizingly so. His single-minded focus as he kissed and caressed places on her body that she had no idea would arouse her had once again succeeded in pulling her out of her thoughts and into the moment.

The second time, they made love. There were no other words she could give to the gentle touches and careful movements. He told her physically that which they had both only voiced a few minutes before and she lost herself in this moment with him. Feeling him, touching and tasting his skin, knowing every inch of his body and giving him every bit of her own. She reveled in the sensations and emotions coursing through her and when they were both spent and panting where they had collapsed beside each other, she turned her head and offered him a smile.

It was the first real smile without hidden agendas or stifled desire that she had graced him with, probably since they had met. Everything felt so right and just as it should have felt. That's when her mind decided to remind her of what awaited her as she looked ahead at her day.

She had somehow convinced Castle that she was calling in because she had something to do with her dad and that afterwards she would like to join him for dinner. It had taken a lot of fast talking to get him to stay out of the precinct with the promise that they would follow up on his theory tomorrow, but mention of her father had distracted him. She could see from his expression that he was trying to remember some tie to this date as it related to her mother so that he could explain her sudden interest in visiting her dad, but even as he came up blank she knew he simply accepted it was probably her mother and let it pass without question.

Kate had called into the precinct to let them know she wasn't coming in. She'd chanced a call to Ryan, because Esposito always read her so much better that even talking with him over the phone might give something away. "Hey, Kevin." she could almost see him straightening in his seat because it was rare that she referred to detective Ryan by his first name. "I know I didn't say anything about skipping out on you guys today, but to tell you the truth it completely slipped my mind."

"It's fine, Beckett." she could hear the smile in his voice, "Esposito and I can hold down the fort."

She knew she couldn't see either of them today or she'd be sunk on her plans, so she had simply attempted to subtly say her goodbyes through the detective. "I know you can, Ryan. I have complete faith in both of you. You're fine officers. Really, I couldn't ask for a better team than the two of you."

Ryan chuckled lightly, a slight nervous lilt in his voice and the sound made her almost desperately sad that she obviously didn't complement the man often enough. "Are we being set up for some kind of prank or have you been replaced with a pod person?"

She laughed then, too, because it was what he had expected from her. "Don't make me take it back." she teased.

"No take-backs." he retorted instantly. "And I'm telling Esposito that you think we're special and not in the short bus kind of way."

Kate smiled, certain that the other detective would do just that and feeling the weight of two more good byes lift off her shoulders. "That's fine. Listen, Ryan, I have to run." she said, even though there was nothing on her itinerary for the next hour except maybe a shower. She had just known that if she stayed on the phone any longer she really would lose it.

"Okay. I'd say have fun, but knowing you and taking days off I can probably guess that it's going to be less than a picnic for you." he responded sounding a little hesitant as if his curiosity were getting to him and she could imagine a similar expression to the one Castle had worn as she expressed her need to meet with her dad for lunch. Just as Castle had done, however, he dropped it and they had pleasantly bid each other good bye.

Nearing the diner near her father's work, she couldn't help but think that she could have handled the good byes with those two a little more personally, but she didn't have time to dwell on it. Instead, Kate had laid her phone on the bathroom sink and hopped into Castle's shower. Having never been one for foregoing the use of condoms, she hadn't anticipated that she would so desperately need a shower after the events had concluded. Despite the mess, something about knowing that she would be carrying some part of him with her as she went to her death was something that made her smile as she washed off the external evidence.

Having just finished and left an exhausted Castle lying drowsily in his bed a few minutes before, she was surprised to find him climbing into the shower only a couple of minutes behind her. "I thought I had dreamt this, then I heard the shower and imagine my surprise when I find a beautifully wet Katherine Beckett in my shower." he joked as he leaned into her for a heated kiss.

She was shocked to find him aroused again so soon after a second round, but didn't deny him access as his hands sought each spot he had found on her body earlier. "I have at least a dozen fantasies of taking you in this shower." he informed her as he kissed a trail along her neck.

"Oh, yeah?" she teased lightly and then turned decidedly more serious, "Which one is your favorite?" she asked on a husky voice that still surprised her with the ease at which it came forth in his presence.

He had groaned his approval of her train of thought and then they worked together to recreate not only his favorite but two others that were almost favorites, both surprised with his stamina after so much exertion already that morning. He left her dripping with the evidence of their love which required her to wash again, but she didn't mind in the slightest. She was grateful for his tankless water heater and the endless supply of hot water as he helped her wash up and then she helped him do the same.

Parting from him in time to go grab her bike before heading out to meet her father had been surprisingly easy. She had known it would be their last time to see each other, but he was still clueless and going along with her about having dinner with him that night. She suggested he serve it around seven and despite his protests, she had offered to bring dessert. Their good bye kiss lingered far longer than she had time for, but part of her wanted to stay there wrapped in the cocoon of this man's love for her. Part of her wanted to just keep going from here and will the day not to repeat again, but she knew that was futile. She didn't know if she would be able to have a first time with Castle again tomorrow if she didn't follow through with her plan to end the cycle.

She didn't think she was capable of staying together well enough to face this again after putting it off, so she had eventually torn herself away from him with the promise of returning for dinner. He let her go, but she could practically feel his eyes following her down the hallway to the elevator. "Kate," he called as she reached out and hit the button to call up the elevator. "I just wanted to. . . I just had to. . ."

She smiled at him as he fumbled with his words and she managed to narrowly avoid the taunt on the tip of her tongue, "I know, Castle." she informed him, watching the writer visibly relax. "I love you, too." she added in case he thought she didn't actually know what he had been referring to.

Beckett watched him visibly relax and as the doors slid open to admit her to the elevator and she couldn't fight the smile despite her raging thoughts, "I'll see you tonight." she lied and felt sick as she attempted to cover the lie with the most radiantly happy expression she could accomplish.

He returned the smile and gave her a little wave. "Until tonight, Detective."

"Good bye, Castle." she said, ignoring the pang in her gut that reminded her that it would be the last time she said those words to him.

The moment still made her nauseous as she contemplated it over an hour later while she parked her motorcycle outside the small diner where her father liked to take his lunch. Saying good bye to Castle had been tough, but knowing what she was going to be doing to her father when she was all he had left, made the knot tighten even further in her gut as she slid off her bike and made her way inside, taking her helmet off as she went.

She didn't know what she was going to say to him that would keep him out of the bottle without leaving him suspicious that anything was actually wrong or about to be. She spotted her father across the room and gave a slight wave to his slow spreading smile. Kate squared her shoulders and walked with purpose towards another man whose life she was going to crush with her actions in just a few short hours.

x.x.x

A/N: So, I know, short, but it was either this or nothing, so I went with getting some out. Next chapter we'll hopefully get to the conversation with Jim in it and possibly further. I just didn't want to leave you all hanging while I tried to figure out his speech patterns from two brief appearances on the show.

On a side note, I appreciate all the reviews on last chapter. I always feel the scenes like that are the hardest to write and they leave me feeling a little dirty after having completed them wondering if things got too intense or if I was repetitive or too wordy or graphic or not wordy enough or whatever. I didn't hear any of that so I'm very glad that my vision for this got across without driving you all away with my depravity.

Review that made my day: **daphnebeauty**, for successfully cracking me up again. Don't do that! Well, finding a soul mate, that's good; you can do that, but don't rush right out and do the rest of it. They sell these 'personal massagers' for like $5 at Wal-Mart, saves on the water bill that I'm apparently driving up in houses all around the world. Ok, that was random and way too personal of advice to pass out. Ignore me. It's 1 am and I have to sleep for work tomorrow. Please disregard all above statements of an invasively personal nature and return your trays to the upright position. Thank you.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

If her father thought the spur of the moment visit was odd, he didn't let on as he greeted her with a smile and a hug. "Katie." he always seemed to just use her name in greeting instead of actually saying 'hi' or even just a simple 'hey'. It wasn't anything she had ever given much thought to until this moment as she heard him speak her name.

"Hi, Dad." she responded, accepting his warm hug and forcing herself not to hold on longer than she normally would, despite the fact that she didn't want to let him go. She knew there would be no one left to pick up the pieces once she was gone.

Once they had gotten settled, Jim set his menu aside. "Did you really have to ride that here? You know how much I hate thinking about you on these streets with the way people drive here."

Kate shrugged, normally content to head straight out of town with her bike and avoid New York drivers as much as possible; it wasn't like she could argue with him. It just wasn't a worry of hers today. She actually found relief in his ice breaker conversation, because it paved the way for her to attempt to circumvent the small talk and get into making her point. "It's no more dangerous than walking down the street or driving my squad car."

Her father shook his head, he was smiling at her, but the set of his features told another story. "Or your job, I know." he said it with a slightly defeatist tone that she didn't appreciate hearing from him, "But you're my little girl and I'm always going to worry."

She returned his self-conscious smile with a true one of her own. "I know, Dad, but there are things that I should tell you since you're so keen on worrying over my safety."

Her dad looked at her then as if he could see right through her. "I don't think I like the tone of this conversation."

Kate laughed, it was forced, but she hoped her dad just thought she was giving him the brush off for his current concern as she talked about some time in the far off future. "I know, but seriously, Dad, it's not like I don't see death every single day. You'd have to know that I think about it sometimes. You know." she finished lamely, not sure she even knew where she was going much less how to get there.

Jim picked his menu back up and greeted her statement with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Not before lunch, young lady. This sounds like a conversation to be had over pie."

With that she dropped the discussion and let him lead into less edgy waters as they shared stories about work, reminisced about her mother, and laughed together over some of the most ridiculous things. It hadn't been until the pie comment that Kate realized this would likely be the last thing she ever ate and she suddenly cursed her insistence on meeting her father in the diner he frequented. As far as last meals go, if she was going to eat a burger it was going to be with Castle at Remy's. "Do they serve breakfast all day?"

Her father smiled at her question that interrupted a rousing story about his new neighbor's tendency for late night parties and how he'd finished that before it had gotten out of hand. "Yep, morning noon and night. What are you thinking; I'll tell you if it's worth passing up one of their nearly famous burgers for."

The menu was far from eclectic and were she to choose a last meal, it probably wouldn't be her first choice, but considering the location and her company she asked, "Biscuits and Gravy?"

Jim smiled knowingly at her, "I'll do you one better, because I know exactly where you're going with that."

She didn't ask him to explain, she didn't have to, because this was her dad and he was the one who had worked in a kitchen beside her mom and made a dish their family called a 'secret', but was so simple there really wasn't any secret to it.

When the waitress arrived a few minutes later with her coffee and an iced tea for her dad, Jim shared a friendly smile with the older woman, "We'll have two orders of biscuits and gravy."

"Sugar, don't toy with me, you always have a turkey sandwich on Tuesday." she teased, but grabbed the menus, "I'm assuming you want Beckett Biscuits?"

"Both orders." he acknowledged, drawing a questioning look from his daughter and a nod from the waitress before the older woman headed back towards the kitchen.

"Beckett Biscuits?" she inquired, certain she already knew the answer.

Jim shrugged, "Marie took to calling them that after she talked the cooks into dishing it up the way I like it instead of watching me cut and chop everything after it's delivered."

Kate smiled, though she felt a little melancholy to think of all the times they had spent together as a family whenever they had made that particular breakfast. It was a strange turn of events to realize that it was actually something that was on the minds, if not actually on the menu of a restaurant. She remembered it being the first dish she had ever been able to help with in the kitchen. Her mom would pull the biscuits out of the over and let them cool while she cooked the bacon.

Once the bacon was fried to crispy perfection, she allowed young Katie to break them up into small pieces in a large bowl. By the time that task was done, her mom would have cooked up several eggs and thrown them in the bowl as well, chopping the over medium eggs with her spatula as Jim Beckett appeared as if materializing out of thin air. He always showed up when it was time to crumble the bacon.

Together, they would break up the thick sliced bacon right into the bowl with the biscuits and eggs as her mom occasionally reprimanded her father for eating little bits of each slice he broke up. Kate came to learn that her father's penchant for bacon thievery was long understood and Johanna intentionally cooked more than they needed for the bacon thief. Kate also noticed, that once she had picked up her father's habit of stealing the bacon, her mom had just added her to the reprimand and added extra bacon to the pan.

By the time they were done with the bacon, her mom would have the country gravy ready and that had always been Kate's favorite part. It wasn't the gravy; it was the end of breaking up bacon. Despite having always stolen at least a full slice by the time they were done, being able to lick the salty remnants of bacon from her fingers had been somehow better than the actual bits consumed during the course of the morning routine.

Thinking about that now, brought her right back to this little booth and the fact that her and her father hadn't made that particular dish together since they'd lost her mom. Eating it with him after all this time would probably be awkward, especially when they hadn't made it themselves, but it would be a nice reminder of what had been and a pleasant enough way to bid good bye to the culinary world.

They made small talk as they waited for breakfast and Kate was delighted in the familiarity of the dish that was laid in front of her several minutes later. It was not the most beautiful meal, it never had been. Broken bits of three breakfast food swirled together in a veritable sea of country gravy just looked like a lumpy off white mess with pepper flecks, but if it was anything like her mom had made it then she knew it would be good.

Kate let out an involuntary moan on tasting the dish and her father smiled across at her as he took his own first bite. She had, on many occasions throughout the years, ordered biscuits and gravy with eggs and bacon just so she could chop it all up and swirl it together, but none of the restaurants she'd ever gone to had gotten it so close to perfect. There always seemed to be some problem with it, the gravy had too much pepper, the bacon was too thin or undercooked, the eggs were overcooked, the biscuits were too flaky or crumbly or absorbed too much of the gravy making the rest too dry. It was always something, but not this time. The eggs were neither runny nor rubbery, bacon still a little crispy despite the gravy bath, biscuits the perfect consistency.

She was only upset that she didn't know about this place before today, because this dish didn't reheat well and she hadn't figured out how to tone down the recipe for just herself. Thinking about it around another bite, she supposed that was why her father sought the dish out when he dined here. It was a little bit of familiarity with home in a setting that was comfortably not the house he had shared with his wife or the kitchen they had gathered in to make it together as a family.

She hadn't had the chance to revisit their earlier conversation, but after sharing memories with her father over a familiar family meal, she couldn't bring herself to delve back into the dark. She hated to put more on Castle than she already was, but she decided that her father might be a good thing for Castle to focus on in his time of grief. It had an odd symmetry that comforted her with its duality.

She hoped that Castle would find a mission in looking after Jim Beckett as he had been doing for her and that her father might see in Castle a man that had lost a woman and perhaps find a way to mentor him through the loss. She just hoped it was enough for each without being a burden to both. The only problem with leaving it to Castle was that she would have to find a way to tell him what she needed from him.

Her father barely had to coax her into dessert. She knew if she weren't going to die tonight, she'd say no. However, without the need for a trip to the gym to work off the extra calories, Kate indulged in her father's suggestion of caramel cheesecake. When her dessert arrived along with her father's slice of apple pie with vanilla ice cream, the heady aroma of baked apples and cinnamon almost had her regretting her choice in a final dessert.

That lasted as long as it took for her fork to make the trip from the small plate to her mouth and then her taste buds took over as her eyes closed and she savored the rich creamy texture. She allowed her dessert to distract her for several minutes and her dad seemed equally inclined for a respite from conversation.

They were both nearly halfway through their respective plates when her father finally broke the silence, "So, there was something you wanted to talk with me about?"

Kate shrugged, no longer sure that any kind of conversation on death or 'what ifs' would be taken hypothetically, but unsure how to get out of the serious conversation her father had been given the impression that she was there to discuss with him. Kate took another tack to get where she needed to go, to lay the groundwork she'd need to put down. "I have a new reason to fear for all those things you're always worrying about." She hedged.

Her father looked at her a long moment, confusion in his features as he tried to read something in her expression. It was a long moment later when he got a slightly worried look in his eyes as he took in her expression, "Katie is there something going on; Are you sick?"

Kate almost laughed that her dad had gotten some kind of terminally ill impression off her comment. Instead she tried for a reassuring smile, "Nothing like that. I just, there's this guy," she started and watched the shift in him immediately.

"Rick?" he asked with a knowing look in his eyes.

She nodded dumbly, wondering exactly how much she must have discussed the writer with her dad for him to have picked up on exactly who she could be talking about even if there was never any direct conversation on the subject.

"And now that you're together," he cut himself off with a tilt of his head as if asking if his interpretation was accurate. She could only nod in response as he continued, "You're even more worried about something happening to him?"

"Not him," she responded with a slight shake of her head. "I have a dangerous job, but I do what I can to keep him out of the worst of it. I'm just worried about what he'll go through if anything ever happens to me."

She watched her father carefully lay his fork down on his plate, the conversation topic obviously killing his appetite. "Katie," he started, his tone low with mixed emotion, "Have I ever told you about the first time I proposed to your mother?"

Her mind was instantly blank of all thought from one small statement. She knew the story of her father's proposal, it was sweet and charming and laid the groundwork for all of her young fantasies of romance with an emphasis on less is more and simplicity. However, with a single statement, her father sent all those thought crashing down in a sea of confused disbelief, because she was left wondering which time he had proposed that they ended up telling her about. She couldn't respond and simply shook her head.

"You're a lot like her, you know?" he began, but from the faraway look in his eyes she knew he was lost in the past and not expecting a response from her. "Professionally, she was passionate and driven, but personally she was guarded. It took a lot of wheedling just to get her to give a date with me a shot and then I had to practically beg a second one from her."

Kate sat stunned as she stared at her father. It wasn't something they had ever talked about. How her parents met and fell in love was not something that had come up in conversation and, truth-be-told, if it were to have happened when she was a kid or teenager, she probably would have been some combination of disgusted and horrified. Instead, she listened with rapt attention, slowly finishing her cheesecake as her father detailed a friendship that grew into more only because he had been so insistent.

"So, I knew I was toast, I'd known for over a year that she had me in a hold I'd never get entirely out of, but I couldn't rush her. I mean, it took six months to get her to go to coffee, dating for a year is pushing it." Her father finally met her eyes with a slight start as if he had just realized that he was sitting there with his daughter. He seemed to have fallen into the memories so completely that perhaps he had expected to see her when he looked up. "But I bought the ring anyway." he finished with a self-conscious shrug and a shy smile.

Kate laughed at that. She couldn't fully reconcile the young couple her father had described to the parents who had raised her, but she was fascinated with this revelation as if she were meeting her mother again for the first time. "You couldn't wait could you?" she asked, enthralled with his story telling.

Jim shook his head in mock-admonishment, but he was smile as he responded, "Neither can you, apparently." in a teasing tone she hadn't heard in so long it gave her a fresh ache in her chest that had nothing to do with her future and everything to do with not having seen this particular side of her father since they had lost her mom. "It wasn't me, it was her. See, once she actually got comfortable with the idea that I wasn't going anywhere unless she was at my side, she let out this crazy playful side that I had never seen, but secretly suspected, or maybe just hoped, was hiding somewhere under the surface. She was always doing little things to surprise me and to tell the truth I was thrilled with each and every little thing she did."

Kate smiled wistfully as she thought about how Castle had been bringing out a playful side no one had tugged from her for so long that she had actually started to wonder if he had given it to her. Taking in her father's words and looking at some events from her childhood with this new perspective, she felt her heart warm at the realization that she had picked it up from her mom. She could also see a bit of Castle's side in her father and noted that if Johanna was half as guarded as Kate had always been, then a small gesture would seem as huge to her father as her little gestures always seemed to impact Castle.

She listened as her father detailed one such night he came home to find a note on the door that gave him a clue that lead him to the kitchen pantry where another clue waited for him. "She had set up this elaborate scavenger hunt throughout our apartment. It was weeks later that I finally found out what the purpose of the hunt had been." He shrugged at her slightly confused expression and continued, "I didn't find all the clues, not sure if she even finished hiding them, because when I walked into the bedroom she was sitting on the floor with her back against the bed staring at the ring I had bought for her."

"Oh, no. She found it?" Kate couldn't believe she'd never heard this story before and found herself enthralled.

"Yep, and she didn't take it well." he informed her with a shrug, "Actually, she ended up storming out that night and not returning my calls for a week."

"You scared her." she deduced and her father nodded.

"More than I've ever seen her before." he responded, quickly amending, "Your mother has always been the strongest, most amazing person I've ever known and that look in her eyes rocked me to the core." He swallowed as if reliving a time when he'd thought his brash move to buy a ring had driven her away from him. "She came back after all those days and went into the closet, found the ring right where I had put it back because I didn't know what else to do with it. She handed me the little box and said, 'Ok, Jim, so ask already.' Man, that woman."

Kate laughed at the image of her mother demanding a proposal after a week without any contact at all. She realized he had paused as if reliving the moment alone in his head. "So, what did you do?"

Jim took another bite of pie, chewing slowly as if to gather his thoughts. "I dropped to my knee right in front of her, in the middle of my bedroom with laundry overflowing in a hamper in the corner and the bed still unmade from the night before. I told her all the things I loved about her and asked her to be my wife. Do you know what she said to me?"

Kate thought it was rhetorical so she waited, but after a moment she realized her father's raised brow was an invitation to actually guess, "I'm assuming from the fact that I'm alive right now, 'yes'?"

Jim was shaking his head as she finished, "She said to me, 'Jim, you're out of your damn fool mind.' Then she kissed me half silly and added, 'not a chance.' but I wasn't crushed by her response." he winked at her, "Ok, maybe just a little. That was until she finally finished by explaining that it was too soon for us to talk about forever and I should save the ring for down the road." He grinned at his memories, "You know what I heard from those words, Katie?"

"Of course you heard 'Yes', because you always did assume mom's most ambiguous responses were permission." she laughed as her father nodded.

"Down the road was still our road together and she had said yes to me, even then, despite the fact that she hadn't said yes." he shrugged, seemingly lost in where he was going with this story. After a moment, his eyes lit up as if he remembered, "If I had lost her at any point in our relationship I would have been devastated, because I knew so long before she ever let me admit it, that we were meant to be together. I'm glad to have had as many years as we got together, it made it harder with so many memories, but that aching loss? I would have felt that from that first kiss when I knew I had been inexorably changed."

It took Kate a long moment to come up with a response to that, because it seemed like too much. She had to go with a teasing remark, because anything more serious right then and she was sure to lose it. "Wow, that was a beautiful story and all, Dad, but I found it the opposite of helpful in relieving this nagging worry."

"Just don't go dying and you won't have to worry about it." he responded lightly, using the crust from his pie to mop up the dregs of his ice cream.

"Everybody dies." She responded, attempting a light casual tone she didn't really feel.

Her dad shook his head with a small smile for her flippancy, "Then stop worrying about it and just live your life with that knowledge."

Kate almost broke into hysterical laughter at that. It was exactly what she was doing with her last day. Instead, she graced him with a warm smile, glad to have seen this side of him back out in the light of day even if it just made her ache all the more for his coming pain. "Thanks, Dad."

As she bid her father a good bye with a longer than usual hug and a kiss on the cheek, she realized that the only way to handle things with Castle would be to tell him vicariously after the fact. Diverting from her intended post-lunch destination, Kate found herself back at home with a notebook and a pen wondering just how one says goodbye to another person in written words, especially when that other person was a professional with them. It took several drafts, and far longer than she was happy with before the letter was finished and sealed in an envelope.

Kate thought about dropping it in the mail and letting him get it in a few days as a nice surprise, but thinking about her soon to be abandoned dinner plans with him, she knew she couldn't do that. Knowing that she had one more stop to make before she headed off to meet Kearns and her death, Kate was confident she could get her friend to do her bidding for her. Lanie wasn't aware of it now, but she would gladly deliver Kate's message from the grave, especially after Kate gave her a few details and lied blatantly about what the intended purpose of the message in the envelope was.

Facing Lanie in person was going to be a harder task than most others, but it was something Beckett knew she couldn't do over the phone. While she could get away with that kind of off-hand sounding compliment for a closure that Ryan and Esposito could live with, she knew that there was no way Lanie wouldn't resuscitate her just to kill her again if she did this without giving her undivided chatter.

x.x.x

A/N: Sorry that this is so long in coming, but Summer strikes again. My sister found a swimming hole on the river and we have gone the past several days to swim with the kids. I thought my daughter had drowned for the world's longest three heart stopping seconds and no matter what people say about getting used to something, regardless of how many times I've done the near death thing with my daughter, it seems to get worse every single time (that was the fourth time I thought Lexi was going to die if anyone ever goes through these notes and counts them all up).

I learn a lesson every time, well most every time, that seizure thing we just medicated there was no lesson. The lesson here is no matter how well she swims, I want her in a life jacket when jumping off rocks into the water until she's at least 25. As an added bonus, my sister posted the whole thing on Facebook so I can relive it over and over and over for the rest of my life if I want to. Thanks a lot, Sis!

Review that made my day: **BlondeOne1013**, because you're right, some people just wouldn't understand. Not just being emotionally vested in an online story, but being able to visualize and use your imagination to transport you into the literary world.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

"Thanks for putting off your lunch a little while for me." Kate said as she slid in beside Lanie at the coffee shop down the street from the precinct. This was their booth whenever it was open, near the back in a corner so they could sit together and people watch as they chatted about one thing or another.

If she hadn't just finished eating, she would have joined her friend in the indulgence of a pastry, but had settled on just ordering a coffee. Her last coffee, she thought wistfully as she sipped the hot drink. It didn't slip her notice that Lanie seemed a little tense, as if she didn't actually need the coffee she was drinking as if she didn't even notice it.

Lanie waved off her gratitude with a fluid hand gesture, "You know I can always use an opportunity to work on Javi's training, right?" she joked in reference to their text conversation earlier in the day where she had pointed out that taking a late lunch for coffee would be fine, since 'her man' could bring her something to eat so she didn't waste away.

"You're kidding, right?" Kate replied with heavy sarcasm, "If you give him too much more training his balls will fall off and you'll come home to find him in one of your dresses."

Lanie let out a full bodied laugh at that, apparently picturing the rugged detective in something decidedly feminine, "Damn girl, how do you always know just what I need to hear?"

Kate returned her smile and bumped her shoulder against her friend's, "I learned from the best."

Lanie granted her a smile in response, but the momentary twinkle in her friend's eyes was outweighed by something else. "Well, 'home' is something we've been talking about a lot lately and by talking I mean arguments that end with us making up in a way that ensures I can't walk entirely straight for a day or so."

Kate found herself relieved that they could talk about Lanie for a while. Maybe helping her talk out whatever was bothering her would be something to hold her up when Kate wasn't around for this type of conversation. "So, which one is asking?" she asked, though she knew the answer to that question already.

Lanie raised an eyebrow at her as if she were crazy, "He wants me to move into his apartment." Her friend shook her head as if it were the most ridiculous thing she'd ever been asked.

"How often do you sleep alone?" she asked and watched the glare steal Lanie's expression.

"Don't think you're gonna be sneaky about this. I know what you're trying to do." Lanie deflected.

Kate laughed, because it really was funny that her friend thought so and was so far from the truth, "Lanie, if you had any idea what I'm trying to do, we wouldn't be talking about you and Esposito right now."

Lanie perked up at that, "Ooh, girl, you better not be holding out on me."

Kate shrugged, "Answer the question."

Lanie huffed as if she were entirely put out by having to do so and finally responded, "Not very often." Her tone conveyed that she was less than thrilled with this conversation.

"And the nights you do spend together, what's the ratio of his place to yours?" Kate followed up and waited as her friend actually seemed to take a moment to think about it.

"Hmm," she said and then shrugged, "Maybe seventy percent my place, thirty percent his?" she said it like a question, but if Kate knew Lanie at all her friend was simply struggling with whether she was five percent off in one direction or the other. Either way her friend's numbers were probably sound.

"There you go then. Problem solved." She responded and watched as Lanie gave her a look like she was crazy. "You can't move into his apartment."

Lanie smiled at that, "See, I knew there was a reason I keep you around. Thanks for having my back."

"Of course; it would be a disaster."

"Well, I wouldn't go that far." Lanie responded, making the detective fight a smile.

"Don't kid yourself, Lanie." Kate said and watched her spit fire of a friend get incensed at basically being told her relationship would flop if they lived together. Kate had her right where she needed her for the little nudge, "Just tell him he needs to move in with you, because he obviously lives there anyway."

"Shut up." Lanie said with a weak glare as she ducked her head down to sip her coffee. She wasn't quick enough to hide the slight tinge of pink that darkened her cheeks. "Do you always have to be right?"

"Of course." Kate responded casually, as if she were confirming that Earth was in fact round and Lanie rolled her eyes.

"You're an ass, you know that." her friend asked, but she was smirking

"Guilty." Kate replied in a singsong voice that she wasn't entirely sure, but assumed she had stolen from Rick over the years.

"So, now that you've shredded all of my arguments in one fell swoop, tell me what's got your panties in a bunch?" Lanie asked, faking casual as she shifted to face Kate with a leg folded up on the bench seat between them.

"First, you have to promise to listen without freaking out, give me honest feedback, and then do me a favor without questions." Kate was certain that would be a deal breaker, but she had to take a shot. She and Lanie had been friends for long enough that she knew Lanie would help her out with things if she asked, but she didn't think she'd do it without a little warning and warm up first.

"Ok." Lanie surprised her by responding casually.

"What?" she couldn't stop herself from asking, but remedied it quickly with humor, "You aren't worried the favor is for you to run naked near some traffic cameras to inspire CSU techs to work out the issues they've been having with resolution enhancement?"

Lanie shook her head, "Kate, in all the years I've known you, you have never been so serious when you sat me down to talk about something. Whatever you need, I'm here, I'll do it, no questions asked." Then Lanie released a sarcastic chuckle, "Maybe one, does this have anything to do with you missing work today?"

"Not really." Kate hedged and then pulled in a deep shaky breath and forced herself to meet her friend's gaze. "I went to the loft this morning and one thing led to another."

"Are you saying what I think you're saying, because if you're not this is a cruel way to start a conversation." her friend interrupted.

"Yes, Lanie, if I have to spell it out for you, I slept with Castle this morning." she rushed out, spilling the words at the end of her statement together as if creating her own language to handle the information.

It took Lanie a long moment to puzzle out what the slew of words meant and then she let out a "Well it's about damn time!" that had several people turning to look at them as if they could decipher the moment from their distance.

"Shh. Geez, Lanie, keep it down, the whole northern hemisphere doesn't need an invite to the conversation."

"Nu uh." Lanie disagreed with a shake of her head. "You're not shushing this. Details, and I'm serious, girl."

Kate felt a slight blush sweep her at the thought of sharing any of the details of her morning with Castle, not to mention the heat in her cheeks as she merely thought about those details to herself. She knew how she and Lanie normally talked, but it wasn't the same with Lanie being in a relationship with someone Kate worked with and she was certain the same quandary bound her to limit the 'details' Lanie claimed to want. She supposed on some level it was because the other party to the conversation would have to look that now too familiar person in the eyes on a near daily basis and it limited the awkwardness. With Kate about to die, however, she couldn't see Castle and Lanie still hanging in more than just a casual 'we miss Kate' kind of social circle. The harm in the conversation seemed limited.

The potential gain of giving Lanie information about something that she had been pushing Kate to do for so long seemed to outweigh potential awkwardness. Further, she felt relieved in that she and Castle hadn't actually discussed the events that had unfolded and this was a way to ensure that he eventually heard her side of things. She knew Lanie would hold whatever Kate told her in the strictest of confidence, but once Kate was gone, she was certain her friend would eventually let the writer know exactly what she thought of him and their short time together.

"Hello, Kate!" Lanie said loudly, interrupting her thoughts with fingers snapping in front of her eyes, entirely too close to be considered anything but rude. It was just the type of gesture that let Kate know she had been completely oblivious to at least three attempts of her friend to get her attention. "Stop reliving it in your head and just tell me already. Were you explosive together or what?"

Despite her insistence on parting in good spirits, Kate couldn't pass up the opportunity to mess with her friend. Effecting a generally neutral expression, Kate responded with a bored shrug, "Eh, I've had better."

Lanie's smile fell instantly and she fixed Kate with a glare that would surely kill the detective were that humanly possible. "Are you messing with me?" she finally asked after a long silent moment.

Kate tilted her head slightly as if perplexed by the question and then couldn't fight the grin, "I think I had you for a minute."

"You most definitely did not." Lanie responded indignant, but smiling. "With as much heat as you two put off whenever you're together, there's no way you didn't scorch the earth when you both finally pulled your heads out of your asses." Kate had no response to that so she simply shrugged and took a sip of her coffee, then almost choked as Lanie finished. "Of course, with as much as you've put that man through I wouldn't hold it against him if he popped off in under a minute from all the pressure. I was a little worried you were about to tell me he was like lightning, a flash, a little rumble and then the rain."

"God, Lanie, was that meant to be as awful as it sounded?" she asked, not sure she wanted an answer and quickly shaking her head so that her friend understood that she didn't. "Three times in as many hours and I think if I had given him a few more minutes he would have tried again."

"Well, duh." the other woman responded, stealing a move from Kate's playbook and rolling her eyes at the detective, "You kept that man hanging for so long he's probably going to be hard for weeks now that you've opened Pandora's box."

It wasn't hard after that bit of imagery, for Kate to let a few details slip, but mostly, she used her time with Lanie to bond over something she never did care much about, talking about her feelings. Going on about how something made her feel was usually enough to send her into a near regression to days of therapy and hours of talking or listening. Instead, today it just put her at peace.

Once they had more than thoroughly exhausted the topic of Castle, Kate relayed bits of the story from her father about her mother turning down his proposal more than half a dozen times before she finally accepted it. She did that mostly to mention the scavenger hunt she had 'planned' for Rick as she slid the envelope out of her purse and passed it to Lanie. "He thinks I'm coming for dinner tonight, but I was hoping you could bring this to him." Kate braced herself for the lie and then made her best attempt at faking a conspiratorial smile, "It's his first clue." She followed it with a wink and Lanie seemed to buy it entirely.

"I am so crazy happy for you." Lanie told her as they parted ways over an hour later. Kate couldn't remember a time when she had spent so long just sitting and talking with her friend and cursed herself at the same time she landed a figurative pat on her own back for keeping her cool.

As they went to part ways on the sidewalk so Lanie could get back to work and Kate could go off on one last ride through the city streets before she met her maker, Kate could stop herself from halting her friend in her tracks. "I love him." she watched the softening of Lanie's eyes as she continued. "I don't know how this happened, or why or what any of it means, but there it is in startling color."

Lanie didn't seem to have a direct response as she scrutinized the other woman spilling what seemed to be secrets that were pulling her in so many directions that she didn't know what to do with herself. "Of course you do." she finally said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "But, have you told him yet?"

Kate nodded in response, not trusting herself as the hour drew later every minute and the goodbyes continued to get harder as her time drew shorter. She felt her eyes go slightly misty as she considered what she was doing, but she couldn't harbor those thoughts right now. She had a job to do and that job was keeping Castle safe. It was making sure Esposito didn't die while he was apparently arguing living arrangements with Lanie and that Ryan survived to make it to his own wedding day.

Lanie pulled her in for a quick but fierce hug, blinking heavily as if the moment were impacting her as well. "I'm so proud of you."

"Lanie, I couldn't ask for a better friend than you." she finally managed once she had extricated herself from the hug far enough to make eye contact, "I know I don't say it often enough, but I've always admired your strength, cherished your friendship, and been jealous of your fashion sense."

"Stop it, right there." Lanie admonished, "Some of us have to go back to work and you're going to have my make-up running if you don't quit it with all the sentimentality."

They were both smiling as they parted ways and despite feeling like she had left things in a good place with her friend, the thought of where she was headed from here left Kate more than a little scared.

Thinking something is the right thing to do and actually being able to do it seemed to be two different things, but Kate wouldn't back down. She couldn't step away from this and watch something happen to the people she cared about. Maybe that made her more selfish than self-sacrificing; because she knew for a fact it was harder on those left behind. She knew what it was like to be the one suffering a loss, but she couldn't do anything but steer herself towards her long overdue date with destiny.

x.x.x

A/N: I wrote the scene at Kearns' apartment on the end of this, but something wasn't working and before we go another week without an update, I figured I'd give you this much and work out that part over the next day or so.

There was some interest in the dish the Beckett's enjoyed last chapter, so here's the low down on that. Her story is actually my family gathering in the kitchen and fighting over who gets to help break up the bacon. Growing up, my mom always burnt the biscuits, and I can't make gravy from scratch, so my quirk as a mom is making it from a packet. McCormick's makes a mean country gravy that works perfectly because it's not too thin like some of the other brands. For a first timer, grab a pack of premade biscuits (buttermilk or homestyle, those flaky layer ones don't work nearly as well), fry 4-6 eggs (we do over medium so the whites are cooked fully, but the yolk is still mostly runny, cook a pound of thick sliced bacon until crispy (because someone will always steal some before you're done ("some" see: A lot)), break or chop all those things up into smallish pieces and mix together in a large bowl. Cook up your gravy packet (may call for two if you use all the biscuits which isn't necessary if just making a small batch) and pour over top of the mixture in the bowl. Stir to coat all the delicious breakfast stuff liberally and enjoy. PS: don't tell my sister I told you, because she still thinks this is some kind of secret family recipe, even though there's no real cooking involved.

Review that made my day: **Natalie Elizabeth**, because you left me giddy with delight. That was a hard chapter for me and I was really worried about it coming across wrong. I'm glad it had a distinct vibe of sweetness to it and I hope that wasn't just from the cheesecake.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

**5:42pm**

She was early; there was no telling if Kearns was in the apartment, though it was highly likely. There was no way for her to know where he'd be if she busted in now instead of waiting the last twenty minutes, but Kate hadn't been able to stay away. She knew that setting foot outside the stairwell was going to take a little extra effort on her part and she knew she'd need the time to gather her courage and firm her resolve.

Standing in the spot she had lay shattered the night before with a crushed spine and horribly vivid memories of bright blue eyes in the dusky haze of the destroyed hallway actually helped to calm her. Despite the racing of her heart, having something like that to ground her in the knowledge that what she was doing was for the best made her feel some sense of peace. Knowing the alternatives, any one of them, always drew her back to feeling secure in her place now on the chopping block. Despite that feeling of 'right' with the situation, she couldn't help her mind drifting over the day she'd had and wondering if she'd done enough in the few hours she'd had.

From the first person she'd talked with to the last, there was very little she would have changed about the day if she could. She couldn't even find the time that, at the moment it occurred, had felt wasted lying in Castle's arms between desperate bouts of passion. Her mind replayed that last experience, after which there had been no more time for respite, though it had been the most taxing. It was the single negative about riding her motorcycle not too long afterwards, the ache in her muscles as she maneuvered the powerful machine.

She couldn't stop herself from remembering the way her muscles had gotten the luxurious ache that followed her through the streets on her bike and up each and every stair she had climbed to reach this floor. The feel of him against her as he pressed her back to the cold tile of the shower stall, solid and strong had made her shiver in anticipation of what she knew he was capable of. Hi mouth was hot against her lips, insistent and a little desperate. It had given her pause for the slightest moment as if he may have realized it would be the last chance he had to kiss her.

He moaned into her mouth as their bodies came into full contact. Water pelted them from the side and rolled down their bodies in a slow rippling cascade that left them slick against each other. She felt him hot and hard between their bodies and rolled her hips against the press of his cock low on her stomach. He was so close to where she'd wanted him, but he was just a little too tall for the angle to be right.

His mouth pulled away from hers and dropped against her neck, licking and kissing a wavering line down her chest. She watched as the tip of his tongue traced the underside of her breast, collecting the small droplets of water as they rolled down. In an instant, his focused changed and he shifted, pulling her nipple into his mouth and sucking wetly as his teeth grazed her sensitive flesh.

It was her turn to moan and she had to wonder if she were actually that loud or if the acoustics in Castle's bathroom were just amazing. The thought had been fleeting and disappeared quickly as he trailed teasing kisses between her breasts before settling on her other nipple. This one had been almost completely out of the spray of the shower and feeling his warm, moist mouth surrounding it, met with a light sucking motion and the delicate slide of his tongue, sent a jolt of pure liquid heat through her.

However, it wasn't sensation that set her trembling a moment later when he tilted his head back a bit and brought his eyes to meet hers. The sensual sight of his mouth teasing her nipple took an instant backseat to the intensity of emotion clear in his eyes. She was drowning in that deep blue sincerity.

Kate couldn't take the emotion of the moment and instead of just letting her head fall back against the shower wall as her eyes closed, she reached for him. Her hands buried in his wet hair and it took a moment for him to release her flesh from his lips to follow her lead. His lips hadn't remained idle for long, searching hers out and finding them with heated intensity before he'd even risen to his full height, his hands quickly taking over the work his lips had abandoned.

Once Kate had a moment to catch her breath, or rather lose her breath, but reign in her more negative emotions, her hands founds their way to his shoulders. It took very little effort to guide him away from her, and turn his back to the spray of the shower. Under slight cover of direct assault by the relentless pouring of water, Kate sank to her knees and pulled his cock into her mouth without preamble. The way Castle jumped at the action was a fairly good indication that he hadn't been expecting her to do that, but when he groaned out a strained, "Oh, holy crap." she was certain.

She didn't relent, pulling him deep into her mouth and applying light suction as she moved slowly away again. The water against his shoulders, cascaded down his body in tiny rivers that carved their own path across his skin, met her hands at his hips and her mouth as it continued to draw him in.

"Kate," he gasped, "Oh, yeah, this is totally on the list."

It had been a unique sensation to laugh with the head of his cock pushing at the back of her throat, but the strangled moan he let out indicated the feeling was anything but strange to him. One of his hands had gravitated to her head, but it merely rested beside her ear, neither guiding nor demanding and she felt a sense of wonder in that. It wasn't an act she was particularly fond of in any normal circumstances because she'd never been with someone with such an apparently well-honed sense of control. She'd always felt it more of an obligation that grew old quickly when she was 'encouraged' to do something. With Castle, there was none of that and she found herself actually enjoying the feel of him between her lips, the heat of him against her tongue.

His tension was palpable and clear in the feel of his hips beneath her palms as he obviously fought the urge to press forward, but just as his hand did not make her do more than she was already doing, his hips stayed locked in tightly coiled restraint. She knew what he wanted, even if he wasn't willing to communicate it in any of the standard, barbaric ways, and she found herself wanting that as much as him, perhaps because his silent tension was its own indication of exactly what he was fighting against.

When she slid her mouth onto him again and felt him fill her completely, she took a slow breath in through her nose and tilted her head back just slightly. Kate let her eyes travel slowly up his body, past the cascade of water across his chest, eventually meeting his intense gaze. She felt him harden even more so in her mouth when their eyes locked and then she was leaning forward, pressing him deeper within her. She fought any negative reflex as she continued to breathe slow and steady through her nose and was pleasantly surprised when she felt her nose brush against his damp pubic hair.

She felt oddly proud at having accomplished such a task and would have felt incredibly ridiculous for the thought if his expression didn't communicate a defined appreciation with a clear sense of wonder. She pulled back and sank to his base again, feeling the stretching in her throat and a delightful tingling through her body as he held her eyes and gasped her name. The next time she pulled back, she didn't move to immediately take him in again; instead, she used her hands at his hips to guide him in the same motion. It took two strokes, before his body took over, but he kept the same slow pace she had set.

She'd shown him what she was capable of and silently given the permission to do what he had been restraining himself from, but he didn't take the opportunity, instead he continued to follow her lead. She didn't know whether to smile or gasp, though both were impossible with him buried fully inside her mouth, but when his other hand came up to join the first in a tight grip that held her head completely, she knew what was coming. She knew he'd take the opportunity to hold her as he lost a little of that control he seemed so good about, but instead, to her surprise, he pulled back as he held her still until she was completely free of her mouth.

His silent instruction had her climbing back to her feet. Before she knew it, she was pressed firmly against the entire length of his body as his strong hands moved down her slick body to cup her ass and lift her against the wall. He pressed tight against her to hold her between his hot body and the cool tiles once again. Kate wrapped her legs around his waist to keep herself up and the change in position allowed him to easily slide into her as if this were something they were well practiced in. She was left completely astounded by her reaction to bringing him pleasure as she dripped with moisture that wasn't from the shower and he found no resistance sliding deep into her on one motion.

Her phone vibrated in her pocket, startling her out of her memories and she realized she had been leaning against the wall with her eyes closed, completely immersed in remembering. As she pulled it out and noted the caller, Kate contemplated ignoring the call. Seeing that she still had a little over ten minutes, however, she couldn't fight the desire to hear his voice one last time, despite how she was so wound up that she had no idea what she could possibly say to him. "Beckett." She answered, despite knowing exactly who was on the other end of the phone.

She heard relief in his heavy sigh that sounded loud as he breathed against the phone. "Oh, thank God."

"Castle, what's going on?" she asked, instantly on alert and feeling near the breaking point. She couldn't help the stab of fear that perhaps the threat had followed him where he was and she had been wrong in her assumption that she could stop this.

"I think that's a pretty damn good question for you to answer?" His tone was intentionally hard, but she heard the waver behind his words.

"I don't understand." She responded, feeling a decidedly numb tingle settle over her as she feared what he would say in the next instant. But somehow she just knew, and a moment later he confirmed it.

"I don't either, that's why you should just stop whatever the hell you're up to and come home."

She let his last word wash over her, used so casually after just one morning in each other's arms and she should have felt smothered. Instead, it felt wonderful to know she was as welcome at his home as she had always felt there. "I'm doing my job, Castle." She finally responded, the words came out sounding nearly as desperate as his own statement had been.

"No, whatever you're up to, it's dangerous, and I know damn well you don't have any back up."

"You called the boys?" she asked, though she knew the answer and didn't want to get into that. "It's not important. Look, Castle, I can't get into this right now."

"Well, to hear you tell it," she heard the rustle of paper and she knew it was the letter that Lanie wasn't supposed to give to him for more than an hour. "You're sure there's a chance that you're going to get yourself killed." The statement was harsh with anger, but broken with emotion.

She heard the muffled sound of Lanie calling out to him from the background, but a moment later the sound of a door closing firmly met her ears and she knew he had closed himself away from wherever Lanie was. "Please don't do this." he pleaded and she heard the change in him. He was no longer controlling what this was doing to him.

"Rick," she breathed his name into the silence, feeling the pain she would be bringing on him and suddenly not so certain that this was any better. She contemplated how she'd felt losing him and she knew for a fact that he had accepted and been comfortable with his feeling for her long before she was willing to admit there was ever anything there. What he was experiencing was likely worse than what she'd gone through these past days.

Irrationally, she hated Lanie for bringing the letter early, even though she should have known better. She should have expected Lanie would go early, probably to have the classic best friend talk that she hadn't pulled out for Kate's past couple of relationships. Thinking about it, that should have been her first clue that those relationships weren't going to last.

"Castle, please, I can't do this right now." she felt an ach in her chest and a moisture in her eyes that she didn't need distracting her.

"So, come home and we'll talk options and you can do it later or tomorrow."

"There is no tomorrow."

"Not if you do this." he interjected desperately. "Please Kate, I don't want tomorrow without you."

"My dad can help you."

"No, Kate. No." he responded brokenly, fighting reality to the end.

"Tell Alexis I'm sorry."

"I can't do this." he told her, his voice breaking over the words and she knew that last comment was too much tipping the certainty of her plan to him. "Please, don't make me do this, Kate. Not without you. I can't."

His grasp on flowing prose had obviously escaped with his ability to draw a full and complete breath and she could practically see his emotional break as he sat crumpled on the floor pleading with her as tears fell. She tried to fight her own, but it was a losing battle as the pain in him mounted.

"Please, just tell me where you are?" he begged after pulling a long shaky breath.

That was a dangerous question. She knew if she told him that he would show up there, but she also knew it would be too late. Kate pulled the phone away from her ear to glance at the time. Even in death, she had protected the two things that had brought her through so much. Her father's watch and mother's ring were tucked safely in their box at home. She hoped Rick would find some comfort in them. Catching the time on her phone quickly, she moved it back to her ear and relayed the address, but not the apartment number.

"I know you think I'm crazy, but I have to do this, I have to for so many reasons and you're one of them." The sound of heavy footfalls greeted her in response and she knew that Castle was rushing to get there before she did anything stupid. He'd be at least fifteen minutes too late for that even if he had a police siren to bring him down at this time of night. She couldn't put it off any more. She had to go had to get inside the apartment and stop Kearns from taking away everything that she thought was important.

"Just don't move, I'll be there in a few minutes and we can talk about this, figure it all out." he informed her, slightly breathless as the background noise signaled his emergence onto the street below his apartment.

"I love you, Rick."

His voice broke again, there, obviously in the middle of the street as he fell to the realization that she wasn't going to wait for him, "I love you, too." he responded. "So, damn much, Kate. I'm sorry I waited so long to tell you, because I was a coward and I just wanted to keep you in my life in whatever way you would have me."

His goodbye was even harder to hear than she would have suspected, though deep down she knew it was why she had gone into this mission without telling him anything about it. "No, I'm sorry, Castle. I did the same thing because I was scared of what would happen to me if I lost you. It turns out I couldn't handle it anyway and I realized I've been a fool. I really do love you and however this turns out, you have to remember that."

"I know, baby, just please wait for me." He'd used that term of endearment on her a couple of times while they'd been together that morning, but something about hearing it without his body pressed to hers had Kate leaning more heavily into the wall and fighting tears.

"I love you." she breathed painfully through an intense tightening of her throat and then she hung up because she didn't have any more time for this. She didn't have any more time for anything. She knew he'd call back and she quickly turned her phone off and wiped her eyes.

She stood in the stairwell again and looked around one last time to where she had lain the night before, looking into Ryan's lifeless blue eyes. So much had happened in the day that it had felt much longer than any of the three that had preceded it. She knew that her fate waited for her through that door, thirteen steps away to another, inside the apartment. It was what was meant to be and she felt a sickening level of rightness with her choice.

It wasn't a trade that Castle would likely appreciate, but she had to remember that she was doing this for him. Doing this to keep everyone else safe.

Kate was surprised at how easily she reached the door, as if she hadn't even had to talk herself up to it, but that was ridiculous, because it had been a battle all day. Kate knocked and called out, much as Esposito had done. It took her an extra kick to get in, the force jarring her leg and making her teeth rattle against each other at the force. Once she was inside, it was short work to call out and eventually find Kearns.

He hadn't quite made it to the window and when he turned to face her he had his gun up in a short moment. Her eyes, however, fell on the devise he had strapped to himself and the seemingly casual grip he had on what must be his dead man's switch in his free hand. "Where's your back up?" he asked, though his tone suggested his was less than interested.

"I just wanted to talk to you, don't need back-up for that." she tried to match his casual tone, but she was shaking with the knowledge of what was to come.

"If you're here about those punks, then I have nothing to say to you." his derision with the dead gang bangers was obvious in his fervent statement.

"This can end peacefully; we can just put our weapons down and have a chat."

Kearns laughed humorlessly. "I think I prefer to chat with my weapons in hand, thanks." he responded sarcastically. "Besides, your idea of a peaceful ending doesn't really go with my idea of bringing a little peace on Earth, so I think we'll just have to agree to disagree and call it a day."

"Drop your weapon." she demanded this time and watched with a sick sinking of her stomach as the man's left hand opened, releasing the detonator in his hands.

Kate was surprised with the amount of time it took the device to engage once released and as she watched it plummet towards the ground, unrestrained, she was actually aware of each heartbeat and subtle breath. She was assaulted with images of her life as if in some rapid fire presentation of all she knew and things she never would. Castle was a constant character in nearly every thought firing in her brain in the short span of time it took before she registered the heat.

In the same moment that Kate felt her clothes and skin to catch and burn, her eyes had finally relayed the sight of the man standing in the living room as he scattered from the center as the fireball engulfed and inflamed him. Kate knew she shouldn't feel anything. Her death shouldn't hurt, it was death and dying, but in the microsecond between impact of heat and the sweet relief of her body being crushed by the concussion of the blast, Kate felt a piercing, tearing pain that rippled through her whole body as she attempted a single breath that seemed to light her from the inside as well.

The searing pain seemed to drag on for so long that she began to wonder if she were experiencing the eternal fires of hell, burning across her skin and into her lungs. Suddenly, she felt the blast reach her with a new pressing pain. She had no time to think on an action as she was flung so hard into the wall from the blast. Blissful, pain free darkness swept her consciousness away.

Her final thought as she relinquished her own life was, "What have I done?"

x.x.x

A/N: Oh man, that was a lot harder than I thought it would be and shifting subjects had me twisted and conflicted. Hopefully it came across less choppy than writing it felt. As a result of how long this took to drag out and my sister calling for me to leave my house, I need to go, but I'm leaving you with this. If it requires a more thorough edit, I'll run editing eyes over it more carefully tonight when I'm finally free of family obligations.

The widget on my phone says 15 days, 10 hours and 18 minutes until the new Castle. If I wanted to get this story done before the summer hiatus was over I just realized I'm going to have to haul butt.

Sorry, **Boston**, I couldn't make that work.

Review that made my day: **Father Vengeance**, for braving a work in progress, I'll try not to leave you or anyone else hanging for too long. Well, there's that and getting the input of one of my favorite authors didn't hurt at all, either.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

**Tuesday**

**5:45am**

The rhythmic beeping woke Kate with a distinct feeling of disorientation. She gasped a huge lung full of fresh cool air, surprised at being able to do so when she could swear that she still felt the burning in her lungs from the intense heat of the blast. Her body flushed as adrenaline coursed through her and the warmth across her skin reminded her of the intense burn that had seeped straight through her what felt to be only seconds before. However, as she looked down she registered that once again she was lying in her bed, in the pajamas she had worn Monday night. She was a failure.

Kate didn't even notice her tears as they began to fall. She knew in that instant that she had failed. She couldn't even find relief in the fact that she was alive, because all that meant was that she hadn't been able to stop this. The wave of misery that washed over her at the thought of having to go through any of that day again, much less all of it, left her shattered in its wake. She hadn't been strong enough to handle it the first time and she had no qualms about admitting that she knew she'd never be able to put herself through it again.

She couldn't believe that everything she had been through, everything she had done and said and experienced in the previous day was completely wiped from the minds of everyone but her. She moved as if on auto-pilot, knowing without consciously accepting her goals. She didn't even register the now familiar feeling of her sore feet hitting the floor. She dressed on auto-pilot and surprised herself by staunching her tears of frustration as she made her way out the door of her apartment.

She was already in the elevator on her way up to Castle's loft when she finally realized where she was going. The short trip up was not long enough for her to get any kind of resolution to her inner turmoil beyond the fact that she wanted to see him. She knew he was fine, she knew she was as well, but that didn't stop the slight trembling of feeling her own death as it continued to course through her body.

She absently realized that she must have made the same good time on the trip to his apartment as she had the day before, because as she reached his door it opened on a surprised Alexis. "Detective Beckett?"

Kate didn't address the obvious concern in the teen's question, or the worry in her blue eyes. Instead, she let that same sense of auto-pilot that had brought her to this place guide her as she moved.

She felt that tenuous grasp on her sanity that had been so fleeting for the entire trip, finally slip through her fingers. She almost wished she could feel the figurative rope burn of the lash slipping roughly across the flesh of her palms. Perhaps it could have grounded her.

Instead, she stumbled into an embrace with the teen that probably just caused concern along with the alarm clear in the young woman's voice, "What's going on?" She felt Alexis tense against her for just a moment as Kate's arms went around her, settling at the top of her back pack.

Kate couldn't get a word out for a long moment as she felt the girl's arms come up around her, holding her just as firmly as she was being held, as Alexis took a few careful steps back through the doorway. Beckett didn't snap out of the moment until she heard the door close behind them. She had just realized she was standing in Castle's entryway wrapped in a desperate hug with his daughter when the girl's voice called out loudly beside her ear, "Dad!"

Beckett only had a moment to react to the sound, she knew what reaction she could expect from that desperate, almost on the edge of panic, tone, but she couldn't find the will to care. Instead, she pulled back from the teen and tried to pull herself together before Castle could come barreling out in response.

To her surprise, her movement garnered silence from the girl after the shaken exclamation to draw her father's attention. Even more surprising, the pounding of feet never broke their newfound silence. She felt oddly numb, but somewhere beneath that nothingness that seemed to have permeated her entire being, she recognized that Alexis was still standing in front of her with a look of confusion and concern. "I'll get him up." She informed the teen in a surprisingly level tone. "You should probably get going before you're late for model UN."

Alexis' expression changed and Beckett would have laughed if she had been capable. This was definitely the spawn of Richard Castle, because everything the young woman was thinking clearly played across the expressive and emotive features of her face. Concern in the bright blue eyes, so familiar an expression from eyes just a shade off the color her father usually turned on Kate when he was worried. The little crease between her eyes that made Kate want to reach up and smooth it away, inform the girl it was going to be her first wrinkle way too young if she kept that up. The frown, so unfamiliar a trait in the normally jubilant girl that Kate felt a little more of her control slip away under the pressure of having brought that particular expression to her young face.

She knew where Alexis was going as soon as the concern was wiped away in a sea of determination. Even as the teen turned in the direction of her father's room, Kate knew she couldn't bear witness to what would happen next. "Wait." she implored, reaching out with a surprisingly steady had to lightly grasp the young woman's arm. "Just wait a second." Kate didn't have any idea what she was going to tell the girl, but it had to be something significant enough to explain her emotional distress and insignificant enough to let her go about her day as she normally might.

"If you're not going to talk to me, then I'm getting my dad." Alexis informed her, though the stern note in her voice needed a little work to cover her obvious confusion and burgeoning anxiety.

"It's stupid, really." Kate informed her, still floundering for an excuse.

Alexis finally turned to face her again, seemingly giving up her pursuit of the elder Castle for the moment, but her gaze was focused and determined, "Obviously it's not, because I've never seen you like this. Something happened." Kate could only nod in response, but despite her bizarre thought that it would make things better to agree with the teen, instead it seemed to send her off again, "Was it Kevin or Javier?"

Were Beckett really in a place where she could make a comparison, hearing Alexis refer to her detectives by their first names when she really only ever got Detective Beckett, would have bothered her on some level. Instead, she let it pass as something to possibly wonder on later as she shook her head to answer the question, "It's my mom." she said out of the blue and felt an immediate pang of regret at lying her mom into the mess she created by not thinking through her actions this morning.

Alexis had seemed on the verge of another spontaneous outburst, but the single phrase stopped her in her tracks. She pursed her lips and then offered a very small, almost apologetic smile as her eyes softened in sympathy. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

Kate actually did let out a small laugh at that, "You didn't, really." This young girl had just had hell in the form of probably a dozen or more mental flashes of worst case scenarios thrown her way in the wake of Beckett's silence and yet she was the one standing strong in front of the older woman and apologizing when she'd done nothing to deserve the gesture.

"I know, I just, I don't know." Alexis responded with a shrug and a little grunt of frustration that Beckett found entirely adorable combined with the expression on the teen's face. "I guess I just wish there was something I could do."

"Can I tell you something?" Kate asked, feeling a distinct déjà vu, but brushing it off as Alexis nodded. "Sometimes, when you smile, I forget that there is anything really wrong in the world." It wasn't until Alexis graced her with a shy smile as she ducked her head to hide an apparently unexpected blush that Kate realized exactly how true that statement was. She was continually surprised with herself and the things she found it so easy to say when there was no weight of tomorrow. Having experienced her own death what felt only minutes before, Kate couldn't have stopped herself from the confession if she tried. "But as much as I enjoy your smiling face, you're going to be late."

Alexis met her eyes again, "It's not that important, I can stay." she offered, but Beckett was already shaking her head.

"Please," she requested, "As much as I enjoy your smile, I don't think I can handle it today. You're dad already made me promise to come to him next time things got tough like this, I can't take too much of people caring in a single morning."

She had meant it as a joke to lighten the air around them, but instead it fell heavily between them and the enveloping silence that seemed to echo after her statement was testament to that point. "But you'll talk with Dad?"

Kate nodded and it seemed to mollify the younger Castle. Alexis surprised Kate by pulling her into a quick hug and whispering strained words, "I know it's not the same at all, but I might know a little something about what you go through. Maybe we could talk about it some time?"

Kate's throat felt tight as she considered the implications of the statement as Alexis pulled away. She found herself nodding, anyway, and wondering where the words came from as she offered, "Maybe after dinner."

Alexis gave her a strange look as she cocked her head to the side, "You think you might be able to get away from your case for dinner?"

Beckett knew the question was more on whether she actually thought she'd be there at all, but the case and work in general was obviously a concern the girl had. Kate knew it was valid from the number of cases that had drawn thier focus until well after any normal family ate dinner. It was one of the things she grappled with about Castle working cases with her in the intense way he sometimes did. This reassurance, however, was easier. "I don't think I'd be a very useful member of the team today. Might go in this afternoon, but if you'll have me, I'd love to invite myself for dinner."

Alexis shook her head in a light hearted fashion that left Kate wondering if the teen really did think she was completely ridiculous. "You have an open invitation if I remember correctly, so it's not really inviting yourself." Alexis glanced between Kate and her father's bedroom door and then to a clock on the wall, "I have to go. See you tonight?"

It should have been a statement after their previous conversation, but instead it was a hesitant question that Kate tried to address with the most reassuring smile she could muster, "Maybe I'll talk Castle into letting me make that pasta you liked." she offered as a way of agreeing.

Alexis grinned, obviously remembering the only dinner that Kate had cooked while she had been living in the loft after her apartment blew up. "That would be great. Dad tried to make it once, but he did something to it and it wasn't the same."

Kate nodded, their plans cemented and nothing left to do but continue to smile reassuringly as Alexis made her way hesitantly out of the apartment. Once the door closed behind the teen it was as if all the joy and light left the room with her. Kate felt exhausted from the effort of maintaining the positive outward appearance that she had to adopt for Alexis' sake. Everything came back to her in disgustingly vivid detail once the door closed and left her in silence. Her own thoughts were a dangerous place right then and she had no interest in pursuing them alone today. She couldn't do it alone again; she couldn't handle any more lies and half-truths.

She needed her partner on this, even if it was just to reassure herself that they were both alive for one more day, one more Tuesday.

It was on that same level of worn-down automatic movement, that she made her way to his room for the second time in as many days. She didn't use the same quiet to enter as she had the day before, but neither did she intentionally make a racket. It was still surprising that he didn't wake when several moments later she slipped out of her jacket and flung it in the chair as if building a new habit after just this second visit to his room.

Without any of the previous day's hesitance or reverence, she approached the bed opposite where he was sleeping and dropped tiredly beside him. The impact of her body on the mattress instantly jostled him awake and he rose up quickly on one elbow from the shock of being startled awake.

When Castle looked down at her, she saw the familiar confusion that had been there the morning before, but there was something else there as well. She recognized it from a moment before with his daughter and she knew she must be putting off waves of distress to have Castle concerned even while still half asleep. "Beckett?" he asked, his voice slightly rough from lack of use as he slept, but firm with a question of more than just her presence.

She wanted to reach over and find out if his body reacted to his statement of her name the same way it had the previous morning, but she was too tired, too wrought with the emotions plaguing her. Instead she allowed a small nod as she felt everything barreling over her from the past several days as the dam broke and she was left a wasted wreck in the aftermath of her emotional shift.

She didn't look away from his eyes and their silent question as she managed to sneak out a single word that broke somewhere in the middle as she finally felt that she was in a safe place to allow herself to plummet into the darkness that surrounded her. "Trebuchet."

x.x.x

A/N: A few people asked, so, the answer to why last chapter ended where it did can be found in reviewing the POV of this story. Yes, it is told third person, but it has followed Beckett since chapter one. In order to go into the aftermath of her being blown into tiny broken bits and left a puddle of goo and a burnt blood stain against the wall of Kearns' apartment we'd have to delve into even more unbelievable territory with some kind of celestial viewing of the scene by her spirit. Not that it wouldn't be interesting to write, but I'm taking the believability of this story to an extreme level already and I really can't go around adding in even more craziness. I would have loved to do Castle's reaction to finding the apartment blown to bits, but Kate would not have been present to witness it and so we have to leave that to our imaginations as much as she is forced to leave it to hers.

Today was the first day of School and my daughter is back to routine. I'm hoping this means I'll have more time to write, but I guess we'll see how that plays out. So, needless to say all the getting ready for school stuff has me exhausted. Did I edit this? Barely. Does it need more work? Probably. Did you guys want until tomorrow for me to wait for me to fix a typo or two? I doubted it.

Review that made my day: **shulesaddict77**, for having such impressive patience. One sentence worth of patience to be specific, but you made me laugh and that's always such a thrill for me. Thanks.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

His initial grimace on hearing his code word faded as she watched his brow crease in confusion. He seemed to be scanning his memory, unsuccessfully trying to think of a time when he'd told her about that particular word. "What?" his tone still wasn't right, not free from sleep or the confusion of her statement.

"You told me to say 'trebuchet' when I wanted you to take me seriously so I don't have to prove what I'm about to tell you." she informed him as she shifted her gaze to rest on the ceiling above his bed and attempted to gather her thoughts.

She could feel slight movement and from her peripheral vision she confirmed it was him shaking his head at her, "I never told you that."

"Not that you remember." she informed him, her control wavering precariously as she fought to rein it in again so she could get through this. "Would you stop staring at me? I need a minute to think."

"Oh, sure." he responded with a clipped tone that barely restrained the sarcastic nature of his comment as he flopped onto his back to mirror her position, lacing his fingers behind his head as he stared up at the ceiling with her. "I bet you're confused since you're the one who woke up with you in your bed."

Kate let out a sarcastic bark of laughter, "Wow, that sentence almost made sense."

She felt the slight shift in the bed as his muscles tensed. He was fighting himself for control over his reaction and she was lashing out with angry humor she didn't feel because anything was better than the soul deep exhaustion and the tentative hold on sanity that she was sure she had finally let slip away entirely.

She didn't know where to start. There was so much to say and so much she wasn't ready to tell him. She knew his reaction, knew his perception of her and his willingness to follow where she might lead. Her past couple of days had shown that clearly, but some part of her was stuck in that phone call with him while she stood in the stairwell. The anguish in his voice and desperation in his offer to help her find another solution, any other solution, brought the now familiar ache to her chest and tightened her throat.

She couldn't remember a time when she had been so wrought with pain or prone to tears. Not even her mother's death had done this to her, though that was probably a combination of forcing herself to be strong and her ability to take things a day at a time. The confusion and frustration she lived in now was far too much. The fact that there was no tomorrow, seemed to make things feel all the more insurmountable. Through it all, she realized, Castle was there. He was always there.

Kate didn't let herself think too much of her actions as her desperate grip on her emotions slipped even further and she rolled into his side, burying her face in his neck and looping her arm around his chest to hold him firmly as she finally stopped fighting what had been building for days. She felt as if she were coming apart at the seams as a desperate sound tore through her that she refused to admit was a painful sob. She felt as if she had splintered and was rendered nothing more than the scattered remnants of who she once was.

She didn't hear Rick's startled exclamation at her sudden action and barely had the presence of mind to feel his arms come around her tentatively. The ease of the gesture, the simplicity of it, the fact that they were both there to give and receive his kindness even in the face of his confusion, was enough to set her off again just as she thought she might be getting a handle on her emotions.

It felt as if it was a long time later that external stimulus started to register to her again. She had squeezed her eyes closed, a futile gesture against her tears that seemed to find a path out anyway, but lack of sight didn't inhibit her other senses.

Her cheek against the warmth of his bare chest. His palm cupping her cheek as if to hold her to him as his thumb swiped tenderly at each tear she couldn't stop, brushing over her eyelids as they wiped across the bridge of her nose. Heat radiating from his body to hers where she was plastered against his side in a way that would have left her blushing and confused two days ago, but that she simply found reassuring and natural in the moment. The sound of his voice, pitched low to almost a whisper, as he told her that everything was going to be ok, that he was there for her, that whatever it was they would get through it together.

Everything registered in an instant and the magnitude of her sensory overload seemed to cut straight through her thoughts. The warmth of his body tethered her, the swipe of his thumb was the anchor, his calming words drew her back to him, and then he fell silent. She didn't realize the reason until she forced herself to focus and realized that she had taken a breath to speak. He seemed aware of her impending words more so than even she was. "Five days ago I watched you die."

She waited for the questions, the disbelief, the confusion, but nothing came from him except a shift of his fingers to trace other features on her face and an almost imperceptible increase in the beats of his heart ringing in her ear through his chest. If she hadn't been grounding herself with the sound, counting out beats like bars of music, she wouldn't have even noticed the slight change in tempo, but she had been and she did, but she was too far gone to try and figure out what it meant. "It was Tuesday." she added as if that made all the difference. To her it did, to him, it was probably a random statement bordering on insanity as five days ago could not be a Tuesday since there were seven days in a week and it was currently Tuesday morning.

She didn't give herself a chance to back down and instead she took another breath and carried on. "I woke up on Tuesday again and as it all played out I realized it was the same day I thought I had dreamed the night before. I tried to keep you safe, but instead I got you killed again."

Castle's arm behind her shoulder squeezed her to him just a little more firmly as if she might take some strength from him or perhaps he was hoping to find some from her, but he'd be disappointed once he realized that it was gone. All of it. Every ounce of strength she'd ever had she used up the day before making plans and building memories for people she was leaving behind. "The third one was worse, but I saved you. It should have been enough, but the scales were tipped too far for it to balance out."

"What happened?" he finally asked and she realizes she had lost herself in thought for several moments and left him in silence. His words were low, but sincere and she wondered how this man could have so much blind faith in her that he could believe such a ridiculous story. It was something she would never believe unless she was living it and if the roles were reversed, Castle would have one hell of a time making an ally out of her.

So, it was with this new found understanding of Castle's ability to believe the crazy life she'd been living, that Kate finally felt free enough to stop glossing over everything. She left out some things, the harder emotional trauma, the deep sadness, and mostly how they had spent the previous morning, but beyond that she talked. She told him everything she could think of. She explained in chopped and broken sentences each of the deaths she had born witness to. She talked until her voice went hoarse and she hadn't even gotten to her attempt to sacrifice herself the previous day.

"Yesterday," she rasped, her voice breaking over the word. She knew she had to talk about it, had to let him know all the things that had failed so he could help her find the one that worked, but as she opened her mouth, all that seemed to escape into his chest was a low rasp that pitched up to a keening whine. She didn't recognize herself in that sound; it was weak and feeble as she hadn't felt in so long.

Castle shushed her patiently until she had calmed into silence as he ran a hand over her hair, telling her again that they would figure this all out. She didn't believe him any more now than she had the last time he'd said it.

Kate lost herself so deeply in her quiet contemplation, that she hardly realized he'd pulled away from her and left the room until he was back with a glass of water and what she assumed was supposed to be a reassuring smile. As she sat up and took the glass, she noted that for a man who just woke up he looked remarkably tired. He looked as if he may have lived those days with her, he was worn and weary and he wore apprehension in every corner of his expression.

She probably wasn't the best person to try and communicate something like this to another. She was blunt and harsh and almost always kept a firm grasp on her emotions. Instead of actually succeeding in holding herself together, she was scaring the crap out of her partner, though she wondered how he'd react if he found out they had been far more than that. She finished the water and passed the glass back to him, vocally ready to continue speaking, but emotionally just as adrift as she'd been before he'd left the room.

Kate adjusted herself to sit back against the headboard as she watched him stand over her. He seemed hesitant to rejoin her on the bed and she found the gesture odd at the same time that she welcomed it. She didn't know if she could really get this out with him holding her, having to feel his hands tighten and hear the tempo of his heart's rhythm change. "Yesterday, or at lease my yesterday, I thought I had finally figured it out. It was like dominoes and all the pieces seemed to line up and topple just right." Kate was about to continue in that direction, explain herself, but instead she shook her head, "It didn't work out."

His hands fidgeted with the glass as she spoke, but after a moment he set it on his nightstand and continued to look as if he didn't have a clue what to do with himself. "What didn't work?" he finally asked and she could tell from his stance, the set of his shoulders, even the tone in his voice, he already knew or at least suspected the answer.

"The first time, you died because of me, trying to save me." she started, not sure how to ease into her statements or whether she should just get it out of the way so Castle could start his 'you're an idiot' speech.

Instead, she watched some of the apprehension melt away into something softer, but still veiled as if he were trying to hide it, "I would, you know."

His statement was so quiet she almost hadn't heard it and it took a moment to register. "Then you're an idiot." she surprised herself with the weight behind those words, the anger and passion behind a statement she was resentful of simply thinking that Castle would use against her. The double standard didn't register, nor did his slight wince at her harsh words. "You can't just go around playing the hero all the time, Castle. You're not invincible and Alexis deserves more than the shattered wreck of a broken life because her dad decided that he had a white knight complex."

"Yeah, or I could do nothing and watch you die, end up drowned in a bottle of scotch, a good bottle, I'm sure, but deep in a bottle of scotch none-the-less." he made the comment in an offhand manner, but she heard the truth in his statement. She heard the sentiment he tried to disguise behind horribly misplaced humor.

The simple parallel he drew to her parents seemed to slip his notice, but it didn't pass her by and she was forced back into the thoughts from the day before. Thoughts about love and loss and giving one life to save another swarmed through her mind. Thoughts about hope for a future for those she cared about even as she had feared what would become of her once she met her end. It hurt to think about, every bit of that day was like a burning weight that she couldn't fight.

It didn't take longer than two seconds for those thoughts to filter through her head and in that time she watched him register his own words and wince at the realization of what he'd said. The expression lasted for the barest of moments before it was replaced with determination. "What happened yesterday?" he asked, though from the look in his eyes he was demanding and not requesting.

"I figured that the bullet had been meant for me, that this whole crazy spiral of events was put into play because you died," she choked on the phrase, but pushed forward, "Because you died and it was supposed to be me."

"Kate." he didn't seem to have a reason for speaking her name other than he appeared speechless as his mind obviously reeled and his expression begged her not to say what he knew would be coming next.

"I made peace with the people who would care that I was gone." she informed him, feeling the words, but sparing herself his reaction as she shifted her focus across the room to absently look at her jacket laying haphazardly across the chair in the corner.

"You didn't go through with it." he stated, but she heard the doubt and fear in his voice. It was as if he thought that he might have to live through it again, perhaps live it for real this time.

Her eyes moved back to his, but the pain and pleading in his gaze sent hers skittering away again quickly, "I didn't know what else to do."

"You should have come to me, let me help you." he demanded as if this were a real event that they were talking about not something that could so easily be a figment of her imagination because he had no memory of it.

Kate shook her head, "I was going to. I showed up to do that, but Alexis was leaving and the more we talked the more I realized that if you knew what I was planning then you would talk me out of it. I would have had to watch someone else die because of me."

"That's just. . . It's so. . ." he couldn't finish a sentence and instead he let out a deep rumbling sound of utter frustration. His anger played through his hands as they moved to run through his hair as if the act might help him organize his thought. Instead it left him silently glaring down at her with a mess of hair sticking oddly in several directions.

She remembered the feeling of those fingers on her skin or that hair beneath her own fingers and had to push it away as she barreled on. "It's what needed done, Castle."

"How can you even say that?" the widening of his eyes betrayed his surprise, even as his tone remained sharp and the words came out terse and clipped.

Kate shrugged in response, no longer appreciative of the distance he had put between them and wishing he would get back into bed. At least listening to his racing heart was easier than having to see devastation in his blue eyes. "I stand by my choice at the time. You have a daughter, Kevin's getting married, Javier has more family than me and he has Lanie who would kill me if anything happened to him. I just had my dad and I knew you'd take care of him."

Castle stared at her for a long moment as if she had suddenly sprouted two heads. "That the biggest load of crap I have ever heard out of your mouth." she wanted to protest his statement, but in hindsight he was right and it actually felt like a relief to have his anger and indignation direct at her so fully. She merely sat back and let him pull in a deep shaky breath to calm himself.

When he spoke again, his tone was carefully neutral. "You have so much more than that, but apparently you don't have a clear understanding of that or we wouldn't even be having this conversation. " Castle swiped a hand over his face before letting his eyes bore into her own, projecting their full intense emotion in her direction, no longer hiding it behind anything else. "Esposito needs you to keep him in line with Lanie. Ryan needs you to watch out for him when Esposito or I am on a tear. They both need you to have their backs and lead them. Lanie needs you to talk to when Esposito is being a pigheaded ass, I know you get those calls because I get his side while he mopes and wonders how to apologize." his glance slipped away for a moment, but came back to her and she knew he was going to keep listing people that mattered to her.

She knew how important the people in her life were, she didn't need Castle to point them out, but she bit her tongue. "Your dad, Kate. That would have killed him. And Alexis, God, I don't know what I'd do with her if something happened to you. She's known about death for a long time, me being her dad and all, but she's never lost someone so close to her. She looks up to you and throwing your life away would have, she just, I don't know, but it wouldn't have been good." He cleared his throat and shook his head as if that would clear away all the negativity he was feeling. "What about the victims? Did you even add them in your list, because every victim, every family you promise resolution for, they wouldn't get that with the next guy. You aren't like other cops and whoever took over in your absence would be nothing but a paper pusher who's happy to close cases with no apparent resolution."

He was right, she hadn't even thought about the victims or their families as impacted by her being out of existence. He stopped as if he had run out of steam, run out of people to list. She waited for him to continue, but it didn't happen and finally her curiosity got the better of her. "What about you?"

"Well, in your little fantasy logic, I'd be alive, so my heart would still be beating, but it wouldn't matter anymore. It wouldn't work the same again, not without you."

"What are you saying, Castle?" she inquired, though she knew his inner thoughts enough already from their morning together.

"I'm saying that I don't want to live without you." he shifted his gaze away as he finished, his entire statement whispered softly through the space between them, but he still didn't move.

"Then what are you doing over there?" she asked, gesturing to his position of standing uneasily next to the bed.

"It just seemed a little strange to be lying in bed with you. Not sure on the ground rules." he replied with a shrug.

She felt the sarcasm rise as if on natural instinct. It was so much like breathing to let out little meaningless barbs at him, small sarcastic jokes that weren't actually anything personal. It was so second nature to her to use humor mixed with sarcasm when she addressed him that she hadn't even thought about the words as they spilled from her mouth. It wasn't until Castle's eyes widened in surprise as his jaw dropped open that she made herself think back and she realized what she had said, "If you knew what we did in this bed yesterday, Castle, this probably wouldn't bother you so much."

x.x.x

A/N: Updates are weird this week. Holiday weeks are always a little off around my house. Have I mentioned my husband and I work together at the same financial company? Well, if not, I have now. He usually works a different schedule than me to have Wednesdays off for golfing, but because the stock market (and our work as a result) was closed on Monday, he'd working regular eight hour days this week. It means he doesn't have to be up at 5am and so he'd up later at night, leaving me less time to "tippity type" as he refers to it each night as he kisses me as he heads off to bed at around 9 o'clock. Tonight it's 11 and he just headed off to bed, so I didn't have much time to get typing done.

Ok, I guess that was all about last night when I finished this and then couldn't post it because my internet was being wonky. The router took a poop, so I brought my computer to my sister's house and yay, update. I'm taking a break from seriousness to work on Karma's Hand, but hopefully I'll finish that chapter tonight so I can work on this again tomorrow, no promises, though.

Review that made my day: **wp1fan**, You're awesome. That offer had me laughing like crazy. Ohio to Washington State just to clean my house, make dinner and watch my kid so I could spend all day writing. Thanks, and as great as that would be, I find it completely impossible to get any work done if people are awake, so thanks, but it wouldn't make things go any faster. I write at night in solitude with my laptop on the couch. It's not something I could do during the day if I tried. But I made myself sit and write tonight just for you (well and everyone else who gently and not so gently prodded me to get a move on).

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

"No." his quiet response split the silence that had followed her statement as a look of utter devastation swamped his features. Kate clamped her mouth shut in an attempt to force herself from making any other stupid comments without thinking them through first. He stared at her for so long with that look of misery in his eyes before his fists clenched and his jaw started ticking as anger took over his features. She found herself worried enough to speak up again, despite her reservations, but he didn't give her a chance.

"Was that what you call 'making peace' with the people in your life?" he finally asked, the anger spilling through his words. "You figured if you fucked me then I wouldn't care so much that you were dead because at least I got to try the ride before they closed the park?" his tone was low, but surprisingly menacing as he finished and she was shocked by the level of emotion shining from his eyes.

"No. You have to understand, it was nothing like that." she defended, forcing herself not to react to his choice of words, forcing herself not to tell him exactly what it meant to her, and wondering all the while if that was the best course of action.

"Really? Then explain it to me." his tone was hovering a fine line between desperate and angry. "Explain how you could do that knowing you were going to sacrifice yourself, because this whole conversation is making me a little sick."

He wore a look of pain that made her stomach physically clench as realization set in for exactly what that look meant coupled with his words, exactly how much he had revealed with the few choice words. From the day before, she already knew his thoughts on her, his level of commitment while he waited for months, if not years, for her to come around to seeing things his way. As she took a breath, Kate let her mind wander to what she might feel if their roles were reversed. Suddenly, that look of horror mixed with sadness made sense. "I didn't plan it." she defended weakly.

"You didn't stop it." he retorted. There was something behind the anger and though she felt an odd detachment to the entire situation she was fairly certain she had figured him out. She could see through the anger, beneath the resentment, to the heart of the matter and her chest felt tight on the realization. He was practically vibrating with his frustration and it suddenly became crystal clear to her. He had wanted to be there, experience it, remember it. He wasn't blaming her so much as dwelling on those regrets. There was nothing she could think to do to draw him out of that dark mood and if she were truly honest, she didn't have the strength to hold him together when she was falling apart.

Instead, she shrugged, scooting towards the edge of the bed, making a physical effort to bridge the distance between them even if she couldn't make the effort emotionally. "You tried to."

Castle let out a frustrated groan, "How could you do that and now. . ."

She interrupted him, "Now, nothing, Castle, it didn't actually happen."

His glare was instant, beneath it there was a look of hurt that made her ache for him. The expression on his face was almost too much to bear. Had she ever seen such a look of bitter disgust comingled oddly with tenderness on his face she might have been able to place his actual thought process or draw a correlation, but beyond the surface, there was nothing familiar in the expression. She was left reeling more than she had been a moment before as the full weight of that look jolted through her as if it were a physical assault., "Except to you, it did." He took a couple steps back away from the bed, away from her.

"Not if you're going to be this pissed off about it." she snapped a little more harshly than she had intended. His attempt to distance himself from her was frustrating and left her feeling even more confused than before. "Can we just forget I said anything? We'll just pretend it was a dream, you know what it's like to have those and I don't remember them, but the memory is still in your head. How is this any different?"

His eyes narrowed at her, his tone pitching even lower and taking on a menacing quality. "Maybe because of exactly that." he snapped and then shook his head as he turned away from her and strode to his window. "You can pop off with stuff about me that I've never told you, tell me about things I didn't experience."

"I didn't mean anything by that." she responded, but her mind was spinning with the end of his statement, wondering at the kind of freedom she might feel at relieving the weight on her chest by just getting it all out there. She wanted to tell him everything, but she knew she couldn't put that weight on him just to relieve herself of it.

"I'm sure you didn't, but that doesn't make this any easier." he sounded strangely earnest beneath the sarcastic sneer and Kate was left wondering at the extent of his sincerity again.

"Easier?" she snapped, holding onto the sarcasm in her frustration with herself for even bringing this up, her frustration with Castle for having such a problem with it, and her general aggravation about the entire day, this one, the last, the ones before it. "You're not the one that has to wake up tomorrow remembering everything."

"I'd rather remember than not have a damn clue." he snapped and it sounded like a challenge. It sounded like permission to do the venting that she had thought about doing not ten seconds before and talked herself out of.

"You want to know what I remember, what I felt and thought?" She cut him off before he could even respond to her question. "You want to know what it was like to live those days? You just remember that you asked for this, but really, you only have to remember for a few hours and then I'll be the one stuck with it all, again tomorrow."

"Kate, stop." he tried, but she barreled through his protests.

Her heart raced as fear and the prospect of relief from her emotional turmoil warred for dominance as her prevailing emotion of the moment. She knew herself well enough to know she wasn't the type to put her emotions on display, however, having spent the previous hour in various stages of distress, burrowed into Rick's arms, she knew there was nothing left to hide. Some part of her hoped that the revelation of her inner thoughts might bring with it a little peace from having to carry it all by herself, but she was too tired to think beyond the fleeting hope and too angry at the entire situation to care that she shouldn't be dumping it on him.

"That first night, when you took the bullet, it tore through your throat, back to front, dropped you in a second. I can still smell the gun powder." she added the last part on a whisper of a breath and then shored up her resolve and continued as steadily as she could manage, "There was no applying pressure to stop the bleeding. Your whole throat was blown wide; no doubt your carotid was obliterated. You bled out in seconds."

The anger felt good, unleashing on him was preferable to falling into the blubbering mess she had felt threatening to overtake her all morning. "You couldn't say anything, for obvious reasons, but do you know what I did? I just sat there, watched you die. I knew I couldn't do anything physically to hold you here, the damage was too much, but I could have talked to you, said something to ease your mind in those final seconds. I didn't or couldn't."

"Kate, stop." Castle gritted out through his teeth as his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides, but he refused to turn and face her.

"No, you said you didn't want to go through 'not knowing', so I'm filling in all the blanks, everything I left out because I didn't see the point in both of us suffering those particular thoughts." Beckett felt a combination of liberation at the prospect of showing him that his not remembering that they had made love was not the worst thing about the days starting over, but at the same time she was oddly repulsed by the pleasure she was taking in setting his spine in such a tight line.

"Please, Kate." he begged, but she didn't let the tone get to her. She didn't let the subtle vibration she saw in his shoulders from the strain he put himself under to hold his control.

"Don't you want to know if I cried? That first night, watching you die right in front of me. Aren't you curious if it cracked Beckett's tough exterior?" Kate knew she was being snippy now, but she didn't care. He was too focused on one thing and didn't see the whole picture. Accusing her of just giving him sex as a means to pacify him with her death as if what they had shared that morning could be written off so simply, had set her temper rising and she couldn't seem to pull it back.

"No, it's not important. I just want us to figure this out." he tried to distract her with what she thought he should be focusing on the whole time, but it was too late for her to accept that line of conversation now.

"I still felt your blood on my hands when I woke up. When I realized it had all apparently been a dream I was so relieved." she remembered that feeling, it was a sense of elation that she hadn't felt since. "Then I had to watch you die and not be there for you again." The anger dissipated slightly as she thought about that moment and the now familiar pain of loss took up residence in the center of her chest. "The impact and heat of the explosion left you nearly unrecognizable, but I'd know you anywhere, even then. However, your eyes were still bright and wide open and for a few minutes I let myself be fooled into thinking you were still there. I didn't want them to pull you away from me because they would close your eyes and that would be the end of it. For some reason that made it all real."

He snapped at her, "I said that's enough."

Kate was feeling better with her ability to vent everything that had been buried in her. "Don't you want to hear how I fell apart completely and was still in agony the next morning? How I got so mad that I tore through my apartment, destroying things just because I could? Just to hear the glass break? I was so angry with you, so mad that you were gone and then I saw that it was Tuesday again on my phone and hope breathed into me at the same time I convinced myself that I was dreaming."

She took a long shaky breath, feeling some of the wind go out of her when he didn't try to protest her continuing assault on his mind, "Or were you thinking less emotional side and more the physical? Should I tell you that we kissed that morning when you found me a mess in my apartment? Maybe I should tell you about the other kiss at the precinct right before the guys and I rode out to the apartment. Should I explain to you that the reason I sacrificed myself yesterday was because it was your idea?"

That got his attention, "I don't believe you."

"Not directly, sure." she informed him, wondering when she had lost the ability to maintain a level tone. "You told me that if I woke up on Tuesday again," she paused to swallow the lump that formed in her throat at even picturing the devastated expression on his face as he stood by her hospital bed. "You gave me some instructions. That's when we talked about your code word." she watched him nod at her reference to 'trebuchet', but she was so far past being impressed with him believing this insanity. "Funny thing is, it reminded me that there was only one person who had been there originally that hadn't died."

"Kate, please," he begged her to stop, but she bulldozed right over his plea.

"If the reaper is calling your name you have to answer it." she responded, but it was said with a flippancy she didn't feel.

"This isn't Final Destination, Beckett." he replied, sounding suddenly tired as his head fell back and he raised his hands to rub his palms over his eyes.

"Well, it sure as hell isn't 'Groundhog Day', Castle." she replied, placing heavy emphasis on his name because he'd switched off of calling her Kate, possibly as an attempt to distance himself. "At least that was funny. There's nothing funny about the smell of burnt flesh or warm blood turning cold and drying to your hands or watching all your friends die."

"I don't want to listen to this anymore." he interrupted her, bracing a hand on the window and dropping his head forward.

That set her off again for an entirely different reason. One that was probably a little more founded in her own frustrations than her previous tirade had been. "Well, I don't want to live with this anymore, so is it fair for you to get to walk away?"

"I'm not going anywhere." he defended tiredly.

Kate scoffed, "Could have fooled me."

Castle turned to look at her over his shoulder, but his eyes barely moved in her direction, settling only as close as several feet to the left of her before giving a single small nod. "Finish your damn story, then." He gritted out between his tightly clenched teeth as he turned back to face the window.

She didn't want to anymore. All the fight had left her. "You begged me, Rick." her voice broke over his name as the memory washed over her. The anguish and grief in his eyes as he stood beside her hospital bed had been overshadowed only by his guilt. The memory of watching him realize that just being alive was why all those others were dead, why she was injured, was nearly overwhelming. "You begged me to just let you die."

"I wouldn't." he replied with disbelief shaking his head.

"Ryan and Esposito were dead." she debated going further into it than that because it was as far as she'd gone with how the third Tuesday played out. She had glossed over so much, but she had been spewing it at him with an anger that wasn't his to bear. It wasn't his fault, but she had been taking it out on him. This time as she spoke it wasn't with anger, but with the grief that had become her constant companion. "I was burnt in the fire, nothing that wouldn't heal in time, but the concussion threw me into the stairwell. I think I hit the wall right at the handrail."

"No." he started, as if seeing where this was heading and not liking the destination.

"Paralyzed" it was the first time she had brought herself to say the word much less really let herself think about the meaning it would hold in her life if it had been the end.

"Oh, God." his tone was despondent, yet with a hint of understanding as if the actions she had attributed to him finally made sense.

She wished she could understand things so simply as if they were black and white. "See now? See how easy it is to think something is so bad that dying is worth the trade off?"

"Why even come to me if you were already planning that?"

"Yesterday?" she asked, though she was certain of the answer before he nodded. "I don't know, ok? Maybe some part of me knew that if I told you then you'd talk me out of it. As much as I tried to convince myself it was the right thing to do, I didn't want to die, Castle."

"But you did." he grumbled. "What changed your mind? Between waking up and coming here something made you switch things up because I would have tied you to a damn chair to keep you safe if I had to."

"Alexis." she explained briefly and watched him try to determine what that meant. "She was leaving when I showed up and I realized that I couldn't risk anything happening to you. She can't lose you, Castle. I knew that there were things you would regret if I died and I didn't know how to make it any easier, but if I let anything happen to you I would have ruined her life."

"So, we're back to the subject of you deciding instead of telling me you'd screw me in more ways than one." he stated with thinly veiled contempt.

"I already told you it wasn't like that." she was starting to get exasperated with his broken record attitude and circular comments that always came back to belittle something she had cherished, "I came here to talk; you're the one that started other things."

"And how the hell am I supposed to know what I did or didn't do?" As if on cue, there was his anger again and it felt better or at the very least it was easier to contend with than the other mixed bag of negative emotions.

"Maybe you should try asking instead of jumping down my throat." she suggested.

Castle sighed as if releasing his anger physically in the breath and started again sounding surprisingly level, "So, I started it. You could have ended it."

"Maybe I didn't want to." she stated, her tone betraying her frustration even as he was trying to let it go. However, her eyes instantly widened in realization of what she'd basically shouted at him.

She was relieved when he didn't latch onto her words as he continued to fight responding to her in the same tone she'd used against him, "Maybe I don't want to have absolutely no recollection of the first time I made love to you."

It was out there so quickly that the meaning behind the words filtered through her slowly, though her response came out without her consent, before the meaning of his statement registered, "Or the second, or the third."

"You're not helping." he practically growled, shaking the glass of his window when he slapped his hand against it firmly, the sound reverberating through her as she watched the glass shake.

"None of this is helping." she heaved a heavy, frustrated sigh. "Can we just forget about that and focus on what's important."

"Great choice of words there, Beckett, seeing as it seems all I can do is forget." he mumbled, still bitter, but in a more controlled tone as he finally started to turn back to face her, but seemed to think better of it and turned back, leaning into the window and resting his forehead against it.

Beckett resigned herself to them disagreeing on the subject and tried to push past it. "I'm sorry. Can we just focus on the case?"

"If we're going to get through this then we're going to have to deal with all of it. It's possible that something in your personal life is causing the problem as much as anything else." his voice deflecting off the glass back towards her sounded oddly distorted as she watched the weariness of his features reflected in the glass.

"I don't have a personal life." Kate joked half-heartedly, earning the barest of smiles from him which fell away as quickly as it appeared.

"Not until yesterday." He replied with a hint of bitterness.

"So we're back to that already?" she asked feeling suddenly exhausted.

"I just want to know why, Kate. Why would you do that, knowing what you were planning?" The naked emotion in his voice tore at her even as his eyes closed, whether to block out the sight of the street below or as an attempt to block her and everything she was saying to him, she didn't know.

Either way, she missed the anger. It had been easier than this gut wrenching feeling that dug so deep she didn't know how she'd ever feel another emotion again. "I didn't come over her just to fuck you and run off to die." she watched as she threw his own words back at him and he flinched just as noticeably at the vulgarity as he did at her statement of death. "I came to you for help, for input."

"Then somewhere along the line you changed your mind, slept with me, lied to me, and ran off to kill yourself." he summarize in a manner that was far beneath his normal grasp of language and syntax.

"That's not how it happened." Beckett was tired of defending herself and their actions. She didn't know how to say it any more clearly.

"That's the story I got so far, or are you lying about something else and that's why I'm confused?" Rick seemed to be trying to push her buttons, but she wasn't going to fall back into this with him.

She didn't have the strength to fight with him anymore. "I thought I was doing the right thing."

Castle mumbled into the glass and Kate had to strain to hear him, "And I'm left to wonder exactly who the hell you are to make that decision."

"You don't think I've been asking myself the same damn questions?" she snapped in response, tired or not, that fired her up and scored her deep with his callous commentary on a subject that was already sore for her. "You don't think I haven't asked myself a hundred times, 'Why me?' or wondered if I was completely crazy?"

"It would be easier if you were." he responded and she noted that this was becoming as difficult for him as it was for her. There was that almost turn he had started several times in the past few minutes, but apparently, he thought better of seeing her reaction, because he reclaimed his position staring out the window. When his voice drifted back to her, she understood his reluctance to look at her as he asked a question she had been expecting since this conversation started, "Was it what it was supposed to be?"

The question was vague enough to give him more of an out than just asking, 'was it good for you?' or some other banal question meant to boost his ego. She knew it was the last thing he was actually trying to do, he just wanted to know that she'd remember it fondly if it was going to be a memory she had and he didn't share. "More." was her simple statement.

Her word seemed to ease some of the tension from his shoulders and she was left to wonder if the entire time he had wondered whether it was just a pity fuck or something that they might be able to build on. She knew from their conversation the previous day that building something together was clearly on his mind, but hadn't really understood that he might have seen that as one more thing to come between them instead of bring them closer. The barest of smiles graced his face as a sense of relief seemed to settle over him.

Rick finally turned to face her and she watched his face blanch of what little color was left in it as his eyes widened in surprise. She watched that little smile that had been so long in coming, fall away as his mouth curved down. It took him closing the distance between them, cupping her face in his palms and brushing his thumbs over her wet cheeks for her to realize that she had been crying as they fought. "Kate, please don't." he mumbled, soft and soothing into the sudden stillness, "I'm sorry. Please, baby, don't cry."

The gentle tone of his voice broke her even further, tearing a sob from her chest as she forced her watery eyes closed against the anguish projecting from his blue ones. Everything felt like too much. It was too intense and she was drained, empty and completely without the energy to pursue any more conversation or dissection of her days. Castle seemed to realize it at the same moment she did and she watched his eyes soften from the misery he was feeling at watching her pain.

His reassurances held her up as much as his arm wrapping around her did as he guided her back to the bed. He knelt on the floor between her knees as he lowered her to sit on the edge of the mattress. His hand, now free from helping hold her up moved to just above her knee and he gave her a reassuring squeeze as he tried to smile up at her with something that was likely intended to be reassuring. "We'll figure this out. We'll find a way to stop him and everyone will live to see Wednesday."

It was with a mix of shame and relief that she noted she was too tired to care. She found herself completely ambivalent to the outcome of this day. She didn't care if Kearns showed up in the middle of Time Square during a parade and lit himself up like a Christmas tree. She didn't care if he threw a few more bullets around and skipped town never to be heard from again. He was a criminal, he should be in jail, on some level she understood that, but her prevailing thought on the subject was a distinct lack of motivation. For the first time in her career as a cop, she just didn't care.

That thought in mind, she turned from him and burrowed back into the bed, hoping to close her eyes and shut out the world. She didn't want to do this anymore. Despite the fact that she'd had the thought before, this time she embraced it. She didn't want to do anything but hide under the covers and close her eyes against it all. She hadn't had that kind of avoidant behavior since Kenny Carson broke her heart when she was fourteen.

Thoughts of Kenny's betrayal brought thoughts of her mom's attempts to sooth her young broken heart. Even knowing that her mom would have probably assumed Kate was on some kind of narcotics if she had gone to her with the story of the last several days, she still longed to have her there with her. It was thinking like that which sent her spiraling back into herself as she finally admitted, even if only to herself, that she was disappointed in the outcome of the day before.

Some part of her had held out hope that maybe there was validity to thoughts of an afterlife. She wouldn't have been able to go through with her own death if she didn't have even a small glimmer of hope that maybe on the other side of her sacrifice her mom would be waiting for her. It wasn't a thought that had solidified or moved to the forefront until just that moment and the weight of the realization hit her like a kick in the chest.

Kate gasped through the shock as she took another shaky breath and forced herself back to the moment at hand. She was grateful that Castle didn't mention her increased distress as he climbed into the bed behind her and wrapped her in his arms. She felt safe here in this moment and despite the tears she couldn't seem to stop herself from shedding, there was a warmth in her chest that loosened the tightness she had been feeling since she woke.

x.x.x

A/N: FINALLY! That was an awful mess to try and write/edit. Can I let you in on a secret about dialogue? Hard as Hell, for me to write. For me, it's the most difficult part of writing. I have such a hard time with dialogue. I think it's because I'm more comfortable in someone's head than in their words. I believe it comes from the fact that people think so much differently than they speak and brains are random, so if I shift focus or jump around at least I can blame it on random brain chemistry and odd thought patterns. I finally found a method that seems to work for me, unfortunately too well because this got a little out of hand. You guys can let me know if it worked for you and if not what did.

Anyone figure out the psychology ploy I stole for this fic? You have to look at each day as a segment. If you figure it out you know how much we have to go still.

Review that made my day: **Undercover Cop**, thank you. I was very pleased to hear all of that and welcome to the party. Did you bring chips?

To **scarf123**, thanks for reminding me about that. It was a great point I had forgotten held so much weight and fit exactly with what was already being discussed.

And since you're all apparently counting down with me: less than 72 hours until the season premier.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

She lay there a long time in a cocoon of his body with her mind surprisingly empty. Aside from her extreme exhaustion, her intention to do nothing had freed her from the nagging worry about how to handle Kearns.

It was after nine by the time she found her way out of the fog that settled over her. She didn't actually find her own way out, with gentle prodding, Rick managed to coax her to the living room so she could eat something. It was a disappointment that barely registered when he pulled away from her. On some level beneath the haze of disassociation, she realized how much strength and comfort she was drawing from his chest pressed against her back, his warm breath across her hair. She still felt more than a little lost, but with a goal in mind she wouldn't registering it fully.

He seemed remarkably run down, himself, as he joined her on the couch passing over a modest meal of cold cereal. She actually managed a small smile at his memory of her time staying in his apartment when she looked into her bowl of Raisin Bran and then let her gaze take in his choice of breakfast. "What if I wanted Lucky Charms?" she asked. She had been trying for teasing, but instead came off with that same sad hollow tone she hadn't been able to shake in what felt like hours.

Castle stopped with a bite half way between his bowl and his mouth, reversed direction to return the spoon to his bowl and then swapped with her before she even realized what he was doing. "Sorry."

It took her a moment to realize what had happened, before she reached across what little space was between them on the couch and switched bowls with him again. "I was kidding. I don't want a five-year-olds breakfast."

"You shouldn't joke about that, Beckett. It's just cruel." Castle replied, a small smile threatening to break free as he regarded his bowl of children's cereal, "It's ok, she didn't mean anything by it."

She couldn't help it, despite her sour mood and general feeling of being trapped in reflection, she laughed at his antics. There was something about this man that was able to draw light from even the darkest of her moods. It was something that, until this moment, she hadn't even realized how much she would miss had she actually lost him. "You're talking to cereal." she pointed out as if she had told him his shoes were untied, a basic, banal statement, but something rose in her that lightened her mood.

"Just reassuring it; you probably hurt LC's feelings and I don't want to end up with a soggy bowl because of you." he replied, his tone lighter than it had been all morning, taking a bite and chewing it as she shook her head at him.

"LC?" She asks, wondering if he really shortened Lucky Charms or if he was being intentionally silly for her benefit, but not really caring which answer was true.

"It's a nickname. We're very close." her responded, pulling his bowl to his chest to cradle it as he took another bite. Despite the tiredness around his eyes, the prevalence of wrinkles that she normally didn't notice, there was a little light back in him. It replaced the weary, drawn look from moments before. Something told her that it was her own shift in moods, but she didn't hold the thought and let it flit in and back out without fully processing it.

Instead, Kate let herself fall into silence with him. She liked that he could pull her out of this dark place, but at the same time she was experiencing emotional whiplash from the quick transition from an extreme low to a childish humor. It was a better silence than the one they had shared before, but it wasn't what it could be. In another melancholy moment, she wondered if it ever would be after everything they'd been through. She knew he didn't remember it the same way she did, but he was there now, even if just sitting in shared silence.

In retrospect, he probably let them fall into the silence intentionally to give her some time to gather herself and decide which avenue she wanted to follow. He was giving her the opportunity to decide whether she wanted to wallow some more, be silly for a while, or settle on somewhere in between. She loved him all the more for it.

Kate watched him for a moment as he seemed to attempt a subtlety he did not possess to pretend that his focus was on his food while obviously glancing at her out of the corner of his eye. Feeling an obligation to make an effort, since he had, Kate took a bite of her breakfast and chewed. She couldn't even taste it, but forced herself through several bite in silence because she knew it was necessary and would at least relieve a little of his worry.

He was apparently following her lead in this new territory, because after a moment his eyes fell to his bowl and stayed there. The problem with silence was that it gave her too much time alone with her thoughts and despite her normal penchant for silent contemplation; the events of late were easier dealt with by ignoring them. Instead, as she swallowed a bite of cereal that felt more like wet concrete in her mouth, she remembered that feeling of heat hitting her throat and filling her lungs a moment before everything stopped and she woke up in bed.

She felt herself physically jerk at the remembered feeling and almost choked on the intensity of her recollection. Instead, she forced the food down and stared into her bowl as she suddenly wondered if he felt the same thing that second day when the force of the explosion ripped through her patrol car. She wondered if his death was slower than hers had been. She wondered if he had to feel the pain of seared flesh and his battered body.

The thought shook her and easily sent her mind spinning back to the sights and sounds of that night. Her heart raced in her chest as she remembered the feeling of dragging his body out of the toppled car through the shattered front window. He was limp, head flopped to one side. She could feel his ribs grinding against each other under her fingers. It had been a subtle vibration against her palm that was inconsistent with normal movement and she knew his ribs were broken. Bone grating against bone in a feeling beneath her hands that sent her skin crawling, but that hadn't fully registered in the moment as it was the least of his problems.

She could practically see the tiny flecks of safety glass embedded in his neck and scalp, feel the slippery wetness of his blood soaking through his clothes in so many places there was no telling where it had all come from. It wasn't the sight of him so battered and broken or the disturbing feeling of his blood on her hands that had her practically dropping her cereal bowl to the table in her haste to move. It was when the remembered scent of his burnt flesh mingling with the more recent brief memory of her own that sent her lurching off the couch. Her bowl clattered loudly against the coffee table, nearly toppling and then righting itself with the sheer force of gravity. She barely registered the slosh of milk and bits of cereal over the edge and onto the table.

Kate knew if she looked at him now, Rick would be giving her a now familiar concerned look with a slightly tilted head and a single raised eyebrow as it mixed with confusion and a silent question, but she couldn't. She didn't have the time or energy to be self-conscious or nervous or to waste a moment in concern over his mental state. She made it to the main floor bathroom in time to drop to her knees on the hard tile. She felt the sting of pain, somewhere peripheral to her current focus as she barely had the chance to lift the toilet seat before she lost what little she had managed to consume.

The tears came again, but at least this time she could pin them on the burn of bile in her throat and the strain of throwing up, not that she really cared anymore. She didn't have anything left to hide; there was nothing left that was just hers. It was with that thought filtering through her mind that she saw movement in her peripheral vision and would have groaned in frustration if she hadn't been wracked with a fresh wave of nausea. There was nothing left in her stomach, but that didn't stop the painful motion from playing out regardless of how incredibly useless it was.

When she finally had a moment to breathe and her muscles weren't tensed so completely that she needed both arms to keep her from crashing to the floor, Kate reached a hand in his direction and made a weak shooing motion. If she were feeling up to it at all, she would have glared at him when he didn't listen and instead moved into the bathroom. He grabbed a paper cup from a dispenser near the back of the sink, filled it with water from the tap and held it out to her silently.

Kate didn't take it right away, instead she shifted back from the toilet and allowed herself a moment to breathe and make sure that the dry heaving had stopped. She forced her mind to focus on something that wasn't death or dying and shocked herself by having such a hard time pulling up a fond memory. After several deep breaths and some positive thinking, Kate was certain she was over the sudden and irrational purge of her stomach; she finally reached for the glass. "Thanks." she croaked, certain she sounded as bad to his ears as she did in her own head.

He didn't seem to notice as he turned to the sink and started to rummage through a drawer. Rick graced her with a triumphant smile as he presented his find to her. She was grateful for the thought, because she knew she wouldn't have given effort to thinking beyond her next footfall, much less about what she needed just then. "Thank you." she said, feeling a little repetitive.

Castle ducked his head as if to avoid her graciousness and then set the toothbrush on the counter before gesturing towards the back of the sink where mouthwash and tooth paste were lined neatly behind the cup dispenser. She was tempted to thank him again, but he cut her off as he turned to walk out of the room. "Let me know if you need anything."

Beckett tore the back off the package and pulled out the toothbrush, setting about brushing with a mindless intensity. It wasn't hard to lose herself in the monotony of motion. She was grateful for the blank slate her mind afforded her and allowed herself to embrace the brief window of time without her thoughts running rampant. Kate continued the slow, steady motion, certain that her teeth were clean, but unwilling to yield the moment.

It wasn't until she caught her reflection in the mirror that she finally stopped herself to rinse and spit before she set about washing the tear tracks off her face. Still a little pale, eyes red-rimmed and slightly puffy, but she looked more human than she had on first glance, more like herself. She was out of tasks to complete and far from willing to look at herself any longer as thoughts of her failures threatened to trample her into the expensive tiles of Castle's bathroom floor. With a heavy sigh, she finally moved to the door.

He was waiting on the other side, a few paces away leaning against the wall. She shouldn't have been surprised. His eyes met her immediately, but she was grateful for his lack of movement towards her. She realized that she wanted him to come to her, wanted him to take her in his arms and comfort her or just hold her until the day was over so she didn't have to face it all again.

Kate was struck with startling clarity in that moment. They had shared a morning of passion, shared words that she couldn't pretend she hadn't heard, hadn't said, but he had no idea. The sudden thought of how she'd feel if he came to her with that information just as she was waking one morning actually sent a chill through her in an apparently noticeable tremor.

"You ok?" Castle asked, apparently abandoning eloquence in lieu of simplicity or perhaps just too run down, himself, to care.

"Not particularly." she replied, opting for honesty because that seemed to be the way of things for her this morning and there really wasn't any more damage she could do than had already been done.

Castle simply nodded, but didn't move, waiting for her to let him know what she needed and it brought her back to thoughts of how she would be disbelieving of him in a similar situation, but once she realized he was telling the truth, she would feel as if she had lost something that she wouldn't be able to get back. "I'm sorry."

Castle shrugged, "I really don't think I'm a bad cook, and it was cereal anyway." he replied casually, giving her an out of humor to play into or brush off, a transition to move forward or a meaningless comment to step past.

She didn't take it. It wasn't his place to right the wrong she had created in telling him that he had missed their first time together as lovers. There would be his first time, but something in it felt wrong. "I shouldn't have told you that, it was stupid and selfish, but mostly I just wasn't thinking."

She watched the little comforting smile drop away quickly, but it wasn't replaced with the anger from before, instead, it was almost blank. It was soothing for its lack of negative emotions, but almost frightening in its lack of emotions altogether. "It's fine, really. I understand."

The slight edge in his tone gave away some emotion his eyes refused to yield, but she couldn't decipher it. "Why don't you tell me what you understand? We'll probably end up here again tomorrow and I'll have to decide what to tell you and what to keep to myself." Her tone came out as weary as she felt and despite the fact that he should be angry about her request for him to give her something to lie to him about he didn't get angry again. He simply nodded towards the living room to indicate they should move this out of the hall.

Once settled on the couch, she turned to face him, but he continued to stare straight ahead, refusing to meet her eyes. "I know you're probably not going to lie to me and for that I'm grateful, but maybe you could have been just a little less truthful?"

"What is a little less?" she asked, glad to have this time to ask him how to fix what she had messed up with him. It was such a small victory to have something she could know for a fact that she would handle better if she woke up on Tuesday again tomorrow. "Give me the words and I'll say them your way."

"I can't give you words, you'll sound like a stage performer and I'll interrogate you until you spill."

"I highly doubt that."

Castle simply raised a brow at her and she understood. The man really did read her better than anyone else she knew.

"Look," Castle finally said, drawing out a long sigh as if the delay in exhaling his breath could somehow bridge the gap between now and sometime in the future where he didn't have to think about this kind of thing. "Maybe you could not to lead with 'Well, I was going to die anyway so I thought, oh, what the hell?' for starters."

"Wait, what?" sudden clarity was like a blow to the head that stopped her in her tracks. Physically, mentally, everything stopped and fell away. All she saw was him. The insecurities he normally hid so well emblazoned in his very stance from the droop in his shoulders that mere moments before she had taken for exhaustion, to the sad set of his eyes. "Did you hear a damn word I said?" she wasn't sure where the anger came from when all she wanted was to comfort him, but it bubbled easily to the surface, safer than any of her other thoughts.

"Can we just drop it?" he asked, before setting the example himself as he maintained silent contemplation as he moved out to dispose of the now soggy cereal and clean the mess from her spilled milk.

By ten that morning, she had been able to try eating again, only because Castle refused her coffee unless she could keep something solid down and she didn't have the strength to fight him on it. She hadn't wanted to risk it, but forced herself to replay one of the Yankee games her and her dad had gone to in her head until she finished eating, secure in a distant past that kept her stomach from rebelling again. Once rewarded with the coffee, however, she didn't push it and just sipped slowly.

Silence had become their now constant companion, blanketing them in its cloying fist and she knew that it was on her to break it this time. He'd made the effort, but she hadn't been much for reciprocating or even accepting his attempts to draw her out. She wasn't necessarily avoiding Castle or his questions, but she wasn't planning on being forthcoming at the moment. She actually did have an interest in keeping her modest breakfast down, so when she had told him she couldn't talk about it, he had nodded his acceptance.

"This doesn't happen every day, does it? You aren't stuck in a day where you have the flu or something, are you?" he was obviously trying to make conversation. Strained conversation, but it was an effort and she had to admit that it was more than she was willing to step out.

"No, this was. . ." she paused, not sure what to say about it, it was different, it was raw, draining, and so many things, but what came out was far more level headed than she actually felt, "Psychosomatic."

"Hmm." he responded noncommittally and they fell into another silence. She continued to digest the ramifications of this day on her ability to keep anything to herself. She was finding it increasingly difficult to keep her protective barriers in place the more comfortable she got with not having consequences to letting them fall away.

He finally broke the silence, not to dig or interrogate as she thought he might. Apparently, his mind had been at work on her problem even as she let the frustration and hopelessness take over for her. "You need to call it in now; maybe he won't have the bomb armed this early in the morning."

It took her a long moment to decipher what exactly he was talking about and then she let herself play over what the ramifications of that phone call would be. "How do we convince them that there's a threat when I haven't even been working on the case all morning?"

Castle gave her a look she had become adept at reading and she knew he was going to weave a story out of thin air, "You weren't at work because we've been hitting the streets, working the case, canvassing, whatever. We came across a man, late teens, early twenties, brown hair and eyes, medium build, a little shorter than me, not quite as short as Ryan."

He gave her a raised eyebrow as if asking permission to continue and she simply nodded in response, "He looked nervous, skittish even, kept checking over his shoulder as he told us he knew the man we were looking for, but he'd be dead if the man even thought he was talking to the cops."

She got lost in his story, easily picturing the young man coming to them as they made their way through the already exhausted witness list. She could hear him fumbling his words and practically see him glancing around like someone may jump out at any moment. She could easily attribute a stutter to his words as he asked them to move off the street and led them to an alley. Beckett gave him a look that spoke of the unlikelihood of that scenario, but he explained that the young man wasn't willing to come in and they scanned the alley before following. It was practically deserted, more of a darkened space between two buildings than an alley.

Finally agreeing that perhaps she might follow a strange witness into a darkened area if there were proper escape routes, she gave him a nod to continue. The boy told them about the killings and about the man he knew who was building a bomb in his apartment. By the time he had finished the story, she was practically convinced herself that it was what had happened.

With a brief nod and a little smile of the first hope all day, she dug her phone from her pocket. The hope didn't last long as she dialed in the numbers and then sat, staring at her phone, wondering who she would be sending to their death this time. She almost laughed in relief when the couch dipped beside her as Castle sat, his thigh running the length of her own as he reached out to press the call button and finally connect her to the precinct.

x.x.x

A/N: I've missed you all, so much. Sorry for the delay. Real life got crazy. My kid decided to join cross country AND flag football. 1st grade and she's already running me ragged, but she sleeps really well at night, all worn out. Unfortunately, so do I and I fell asleep before finishing these four nights in a row. (I've had to change that number twice now as the trend continues).

Congratulations to the winners of the "Guess What Craziness I used as a Guide Because I Went into This Story Completely Blind" challenge:

**Bren Williams** who also brought out great terminology that I found fun "yesterTues" and "tomorTues" to define the days on either side of the current Tuesday.  
><strong>daphnebeauty<strong>, who is totally a rock star of epic proportions and still somehow has a brain to guess this random stuff while she's cramming her mind full of knowledge in medical school.

**Kate Christie**, who loved the same thing I did about last chapter, even if it was such a seemingly small thing.

**Anon Reader**, who even knew the psychiatrist who developed the theory. I've been burned letting people post comments anonymously, but it's readers like this that keep me from turning off anonymous reviews.

Honorable mention to **peachy-x-**, who tried so hard, but was limited in her ability to answer because she is studying psychology right now and therefore was probably worried that I was her psych professor undercover and that it would be some obscure thing that I would be testing her on later. I promise, I'm not and there will be no test.

If you want to know that answer without scouring reviews, just ask. I don't want to spoil those who want to be completely surprised, though it's not much to go on, so I won't be posting the answer until we've reached the end of it being pertinent to the story.

Review that made my day: **shulesaddict77**, for giving me some serious feedback that I think will help me a lot down the road. I struggled and had to resort to alternate options for writing last chapter and it's nice to hear back some things that will help me if I'm in that predicament again. I really appreciated it.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty

Just pulling up outside the familiar brick building was enough to make her palms sweat and her respiration increase as her heart started to flutter wildly in her chest. It was still morning, but the change in time frame did not erase the memories of every other time she had been to this location. Despite her reservations, and the knowledge that she was probably far less put together than she would normally be, Kate climbed out of the car.

She easily spotted Ryan and Esposito near the far corner of the building and they caught her eye the moment she started towards them. A small nod from each was all she got before she and Castle reached them.

"Whoa, Beckett, you look like crap." Esposito said.

At the same moment, Ryan asked, "Everything ok?"

"Fine." she replied a little more tersely than she probably should have.

She watched as both detectives looked behind her at Castle with matching quizzical expressions. She didn't turn to see Castle's equally silent response, but whatever expression or gesture the writer made was obviously enough to mollify the two as they seemed to switch easily from concern to focused professionalism.

"That was a solid tip, Beckett." Ryan commented as they reached the building's entry.

Esposito pulled the door by its brass handle and held it for the other three to precede him, "Turns out the guy definitely had the knowledge and equipment to build a bomb. They found supplies and equipment for manufacturing explosives in one of the rooms."

There was still heavy traffic in the lobby, uniformed officers a couple of SWAT members and to her chagrin there were a couple of guys in suits in a far corner of the lobby talking with one of the bomb technicians. She knew that a bomb would draw federal attention, she was just hoping for a little time with the scene before someone else started trying to take over.

"Where's Kearns?" she asked and watched as Ryan and Esposito shared a look.

"No one told you?" Esposito asked and Kate felt the familiar anxiety creeping up on her again.

Ryan was the one to break the news, "He wasn't here."

Silence greeted the bit of news as she realized that they may have taken the man's apartment, but without him being in custody, there was still that niggling fear and uncertainty.

"There she is." Kate heard a moment before the SWAT officer made a sweeping gesture to beckon her over the where he stood with the suits. "Detective Beckett." he called out as if she might have missed his initial attempt to garner her attention.

"Hey, Jones." she replied, feeling more than seeing the two detectives and Rick fall into step behind her as she approached the small group of men.

"FBI wants to have a word with you." he informed her, though it was probably more a courtesy to pass on the federal agency the men reported to than because she might not have understood why she was being called to join the men gathered in this far corner of the building's lobby.

"Adams and McCreary," the older agent introduced them as her ragtag group of local law enforcement officers finally reached the well-dressed Feds.

McCreary reminded her of a young Ryan if the detective were a little more Irish. Bright orange hair cut close to his scalp and a smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks made the man look about twelve years old. Adams, by comparison, looked solid, broad shoulders and taller than his partner by nearly a foot. His stance lent more strength to his appearance than his far younger partner, despite the greying around his temples. The younger man just looked nervous and unsure of himself. A rookie, Kate realized immediately and empathized with Adams.

"Beckett." she replied in similar fashion and would have looked to Castle to share the humor of the moment if just standing in this building didn't make her palms sweat and her pulse race. Instead, she rattled off the last names of the three men with her and then cocked her head to the side as if to ask if they could talk as they walked.

"By all means." Adams replied, following her train of thought as McCreary seemed to struggle with the silent communication. He ended up being the last to fall into step with them as they started up the stairwell. Adams took the lead with Castle and Becket flanking him and just behind. Ryan and Esposito walked beside each other though the stairs were easily wide enough to allow McCreary a place with or in front of them. Instead, they fell in on hazing the rookie as if he were actually one of their own and made a physical effort to exclude the young man from the conversation taking place in front of them.

Beckett knew she should chastise them, but she didn't have the energy to care. She also knew she would normally have found some humor in their little pissing contest with the Feds sweeping in to Bogart their case due to some BS politics or a thinly tied jurisdictional queue. It wasn't something she usually tolerated very well, but she didn't want this case anymore. She didn't want these victims or crimes and she definitely didn't want this day any more. She did give herself a moment to think that perhaps getting someone involved with more pull than a lowly police detective might be just the thing to break this pattern of days, but at the same time, she wasn't holding out hope.

"Kearns is an ex teacher for district 4." Adams reported as they continued to climb.

"Right, he taught high school chemestry." Beckett responded as if he'd asked a question, not interested in a lesson about a man she'd studied all too well over the past several days. "He's still out on bereavement leave, but not filing the proper papers is a good indication he isn't planning on returning to his position."

"But he's union." McCreary piped up from behind the two detective a couple steps behind.

Esposito was the one to respond in a dismissive tone, "Which just means that they'd have a hell of a time firing him if he wanted to stay."

"We do have a theory." Castle piped up and she wanted to shush him, because despite the few details she'd mentioned about Kearns, they hadn't actually come to any solid conclusions. Instead, she spotted the landing where she'd watched Ryan die two nights before and faltered slightly almost tripping up the last step. "Easy there." Rick replied, gently grasping her elbow until she'd righted herself before he let go and turned a smirk towards their friends, "Is it just me or is it odd that a woman who can chase suspects through the rain in four inch heels can't walk up the stairs in tennis shoes?"

The good natured hazing from the detectives that followed Castle's statement passed her notice. The sound of her own heart overwhelmed external stimuli, pounding a ragged beat to match the suddenly unsteady pattern of her breathing. She couldn't seem to take a full breath and watched as her vision narrowed, darkening around the edges and sending a jolt of fear through her that she might pass out just from staring at the spot on the floor where she had seen Ryan lay lifeless just two day before.

It didn't register right away that Castle had maneuvered her out of the way of the other four men could continue to the suspect's apartment without them. Movement in her peripheral vision registered a moment before her back met the wall to the side of the door and Castle stepped in front of her. She heard the tail end of him explaining that something was a personal matter and they'd catch up, but she didn't realize he had pushed the others away until the silence descended and her gaze lifted to take in the stairwell, now void of all but her and Castle.

"Castle," she started, intent on piercing him with a fierce glare that apparently didn't prove effective considering the softening around his eyes or the way he stepped towards her instead of away. She wanted to tell him that she was fine and this was nothing, but she couldn't seem to find the words. He took another small step, closing the distance until the entire stairway fell out of sight as he commandeered every inch of her vision.

She didn't need this. She didn't need him to coddle or protect her; she was the one that was supposed to provide that service. The protecting anyway, the man was coddled enough. Mostly, she needed to be with her team for whatever grim fate awaited them, but she couldn't move until he got out of her face.

Castle was being endearingly irritating and she wanted nothing more than the strength she had before all this, the ability to push him away, push everything away, and persevere no matter what life threw at her. She could take it. She had been through so much and she was strong. That alone should have given her an edge, but instead she was left feeling things she didn't know she had the capacity to feel. Thinking thoughts she never would have imagined herself having. She felt weak and it was not a trait she normally attributed to herself. It was just one more thing to heap on the pile of reasons this was so wrong.

He reached up to touch her face, perhaps brush hair behind her ear or cup her cheek in his palm; she didn't wait to find out, the action from him sparking her reaction.

When someone pushed her, she pushed back.

She didn't think about it, more acted on instinct. It was something she'd done since she was a small child and she couldn't see giving up the instinct now, when it would probably prove most beneficial. It wasn't until her hand rose up and planted flat against the middle of his chest to push him away, that she noticed the shaking. Her fingers moved as if out of her control, with a familiar tremor. It was a shaking in the small muscles that reminded her of addicts coming down off heroine or grief stricken parents in the moments after the news that their child wasn't coming home. It was a weakness she didn't feel comfortable seeing in herself.

One of his hands came up to cover hers, to still it with the force of warmth and pressure as his other moved to gently sweep the hair from her cheek before settling along her jawline and guiding her eyes to meet his. "Kate," her name was as far as he got, apparently unable to come up with any statement or question as they stood frozen in their space for a long moment.

"Stop." She said a long moment later, fully aware that her comment would have been too long delayed to make any impact had he actually been able to continue his side of the conversation. She felt irrationally panicked and started to push at his chest to get him to step back. She had hoped for perspective, distance, perhaps even air to breathe as she was certain his proximity was the reason her chest failed to rise and fall in a steady pattern. The knot in her throat tightened and threaten to draw her further into the downward spiral as her mind raced with all the images of what that apartment had meant over the past several days.

Instead of granting her the distance she needed, his fingers curled under her palm, squeezing the hand that still rested against his chest as he took a step forward. She couldn't duck his intense gaze from this distance, but somehow, locking eyes with him she felt some of her strength return. It was as if the faith he had in her, that shined from his expression, was enough to restore a little of the confidence she used to have in her abilities.

With a heavy sigh, she felt the tension melt away enough that she could draw a breath for speech. She knew she was spiraling into a panic attack and if she didn't find a way out this was going to end with her in an embarrassing heap against the floor. With that thought bolstering her resolve, she drew a breath and answered his silent question. "I don't want to go in there and find out how this day becomes like all the rest. I don't want to see who lives and dies and know that it might be the day when I don't wake up and get another chance."

"He's gone." he informed her, his tone calm and steady despite the gravity of seriousness weighing his brows down and shading his eyes from her, "They cleared the apartment. Hell, they cleared the whole damn building." His mouth quirked in the barest of smiles that fell away almost the moment it graced his face. "SWAT and the bomb techs have been through the place. He's not getting back in with all the cops around this place." His words were placating, she knew, but they seemed to be effective and then his brow slacked as the worry seemed to slip away and a small smile tugged at the edges of his mouth, this time staying where it formed, "Now, let's go find something to nail this guy's ass to the wall."

She couldn't help it. His enthusiasm and the way he slipped right into being so exuberant drew her back to that feeling she used to get. The little knot of fond warmth in her stomach at seeing him so excited and full of life was back in place for the first time since before all of this started and she found herself returning his smile with an amused one of her own as she felt something surprisingly like hope for the first time in days. "OK." She replied and watched the surprised delight join his expression, washing the last of the dark emotions from his features.

It wasn't the light in his eyes that propelled her out of the stairwell with a newfound purpose, it was the seemingly casual way he leaned in that last few inches and brushed a kiss across her lips that was at once hesitant and confident. It was a perplexing set of emotions being conveyed in that brief encounter, but it was enough to shake her out of the last bit of reservations and send her feet in the direction of Kearns' apartment.

She didn't miss the hint of wonder in his eyes as if he were still in complete awe at being able to do that. She almost smiled at the way his eyes glazed over and his tongue came out to glide along his bottom lip as if savoring the moment or trying recall the memory. She didn't have time for that as they reached the apartment in those same thirteen steps.

The suspect's residence was just as she remembered it, sparsely furnished, musty and closed in with air that felt thick as it was breathed into lungs that had yet to recover from being overtaxed in the stairwell. They found the men who had entered ahead of them in the bedroom, sliding door to the large closet pulled to the side revealing a wall of what appeared to be surveillance photos.

Ryan and Esposito seemed to be breaking down the locations based on background footage, bouncing ideas back and forth with occasional input from the older fed as the younger agent looked on. McCreary had an expression in his eyes that Kate recognized from some of the newer uniformed officers. If they didn't watch out, Ryan and Esposito were going to end up with another case of hero worship from the young man who appeared completely enthralled with them and their method.

She couldn't really blame the young man, her two detectives always seemed to be able to easily play off each other and build their way to a solution by their combined brain power and communication skills alone. She wasn't ashamed to admit, if only to herself, that it was something she had envied them for in their early years as a team. That seemed a life time ago, back in the years she rarely gave herself time to think about. She found herself tempted to dwell on how different she was even those few years ago when she had operated solo while Ryan and Esposito built a strong partnership. Instead of getting weighed down in thoughts of the past, she forced them away as her eyes continued scanning the pictures obviously taken through some kind of telephoto lens.

"That's Benny Markham." she noted as her eyes fell on a picture in the corner.

"And Tyler Jimenez." Castle added gesturing towards another shot of a group of two

"They're all here." Ryan confirmed, pointing to a couple other pictures and explaining they had already made the connection between this wall and the multiple victims for the case they'd been working far too long. "We're looking for some kind of logic behind this or maybe some indication of where's he's going next.

"We have to look at his hunting patterns." Castle mentioned off hand, leaning in to look at a few of the pictures with more focus.

"Hunting?" the young agent asked, incredulous. His displeasure in thinking of a human in normally animalistic terms was obvious. His youth was a good distraction for her, something she could reflect on and use to pull her mind away from the more distracting elements of this case.

"Basically." Castle responded absently, waving off explanation of that point as he continued. "He's obviously got some kind of goal or some method he's using to guide himself. There's got to be some kind of logic or a pattern, we just need to figure it out and we'll know where he'd headed."

"He's a serial killer," McCreary finally spoke up, his disbelief clear, and she could see Adams give the rookie a tiny smirk as he intentionally left himself out of this conversation. She recognized the tactic of throwing the poor boy in the deep end with the local LEOs and waiting to see if he'd sink or swim. "They aren't really known for making a whole lot of sense."

"That's where you're looking at this wrong." Castle interrupted before the boy could continue in the same direction of deflecting logic on the basis of the sheer number of men the former science teacher had killed. "He's not a serial killer in the traditional sense. He's acting on a perceived sense of justice."

"He was there that night." Beckett threw in, remembering the case file she had read more than once concerning the death of Kearns' wife.

"So, perhaps the order of his kills is somehow related to the events of that night." Castle continued, pondering the situation. Without actually having read the file she did, she could tell he was playing blind.

"There was nothing in his statement that gave away any order of events, and there was only one killer so why take out so many more people?" She asked no one in particular.

Ryan was the one to respond, "The victims didn't have much contact with each other, so it couldn't have been that they were all together for, wait, what are we talking about here?"

Castle nudged his way closer, joining the circle of men and dropping his voice to a conspiratorial whisper as if sharing a secret of epic proportions, "He's Batman." He pointed out, his smile more impish than delighted, though there were hints of that in his excitement as well.

Kate watched as the older agent covered his mouth to stifle a laugh, though he didn't succeed in hiding his smile from her gaze. He was fortunately behind his rookie, and didn't seem to pass on that amusement to the boy who was openly staring at Castle as if he had grown a second head. Of all of them, she was the one who ended up taking pity on the young man, "Not literally."

"Well, duh." Castle agreed easily, shooting her a brief smile that she could now see wasn't fully reaching his eyes, but more an attempt to distract her from her thoughts if only by drawing her attention to something else for a moment.

"This place is a far cry from the Batcave." Ryan remarked absently, using a gloved hand to lift the edges of one of the pictures to peek behind it at another it overlapped.

"And Batman's not a killer." Esposito pointed out helpfully.

"Plus he's got way cooler toys." Castle threw in, and she knew it was getting out of hand.

Last week she never would have let these three have control of her crime scene, nor the feds who were right there with them. Something in her felt as if it physically snapped back into place and she almost smiled at how right it felt as she turned her focus to her team. "Where are we on the devise?"

The four cops and agents instantly stepped back from the closet, causing Castle to follow suit and then Esposito pulled the closet door along its wheels exposing the other side of the space. The man had a serious reserve of closet space in what appeared to be a relatively small apartment, but unlike most, he wasn't using the oft sought space for clothes. There was a small workbench made hastily of plywood and bolted to the wall with two-by-four supports. The surface was littered with various wires and canisters of liquid, solid, and powdered items that weren't labeled. "He appears to have built it here." the young agent stated, pointing out the obvious.

"Where is it now?" she asked, already in fear of the answer that would greet her question.

The two detectives shook their head simultaneously and Beckett felt her blood run cold at the prospect of that devise out there somewhere and no idea how to locate it. The fear was quick, but fleeting as she caught the eyes of her partner and his gentle reassuring smile. Train of thought firmly back in place she addressed the two detectives. "Ryan, I need his cell records, financials, anything you can get me that might indicate where he's been or where he's going."

"On it." he replied, instantly back in serious detective mode as he nodded his farewell to the rest of them and made his way out of the apartment.

"Esposito, I want you coordinating with the uniforms, organize the canvass. Make sure everyone is well aware of what they're up against."

"What exactly is that?" Castle asked, knowing full well she had some insight on the subject, but giving her the subtle push to fake a level of street smarts she really didn't have.

Beckett looked over the contents of the suspect's hastily constructed lab table as if giving his question serious consideration in regards to the ingredients and supplies. "I'd say we're talking about a 50 to 75 foot blast radius, possibly larger. It's probably enough to level a small building or if positioned strategically with a building's structure in mind, possibly even a larger one."

The shock on her team's faces should have been a relief because it meant that they would be taking any encounter with their suspect into a new light, allowing more distance between him and them and trying to maintain safe boundaries, but she couldn't get past the feeling that had started to creep up on her. This man was loose in the city with a bomb large enough to do more damage than she cared to think about to countless innocent civilians. Still, that thought didn't blanket over her initial fear that Kearns would somehow show up wherever her team was and unleash his fury on them, despite the fact that he had shown no inclination towards the death of cops.

She watched Ryan and Esposito nod their acknowledgement, almost in perfect sync before they turned and left the apartment in pursuit of the goals she had given them. Once they were gone, Beckett had the urge to get out of this apartment. To her surprise, her movement was followed by the three men remaining and she managed to work with Castle in explaining to the FBI agents exactly how they came to the intel they found themselves with concerning this man and his penchant for building explosives, or at least the story they had concocted.

She was surprised that they managed to come off as believable, despite the completely fabricated nature of their 'facts', but she shouldn't have been surprised. Castle had been spinning fiction for years, both on the page and in the bullpen.

When they reached the ground floor, she continued out to the street, standing on the sidewalk and taking a large breath of air that felt all the more fresh for the fact that it was inhaled after leaving this particular apartment building, on this date, without anyone being killed. She knew it was probably too good to be true, too easy to promote an actual feeling of safety, but the moment lingered for a long second as her eyes stared blankly at the traffic passing along the street.

She let Castle lead the remainder of the conversation with the feds and managed a small smile and wave as they parted company on the street so the other two could bring their own team up to speed and get to work on the man hunt. Castle came up beside her as her focus drifted back to the cars just as a cab passed the building. She paid it as much attention as any other vehicle until it slowed briefly as it approached the apartment building before accelerating back to the flow of traffic.

It struck her as odd enough that she let her eyes find purchase on the face turned her direction from the back seat of the taxicab. A chill swept her body as she realized that she knew that face, recognized that man and found herself frozen in place. For the first time in her professional life she was in a state of shock the prevented her from allowing her to even process what she should be doing, much less accomplishing that task.

She could picture how it would play out; practically see the events in flashes. She'd draw attention to her discovery and they'd make chase. At some point they would close in on the suspect and when he felt cornered he'd detonate his explosive belt and she'd have to watch dozens or hundreds die depending on where he managed to end up when he gave in.

The fear tightened in her chest and stopped her breath in her throat for a long moment until she blinked and the man was gone. She didn't know how long she stood there letting panic take over her, before the warm solid weight of Castle's hand fell on her shoulder.

The low tone of his concern filtered through the normal sounds of traffic and the blood pulsing through her ears. "What's wrong?"

The tightness in her throat seemed to ease enough for her to get out the single syllable, "Kearns."

In her peripheral vision she saw Castle's head whip around to follow the flow of traffic, searching for what she had seen. "Where?"

"Taxi." she replied, less surprised by her single word response than by the fact that she even managed to speak with the cold fear that anchored her in place gripping her throat as effectively as any tightly clenched fist ever could.

She followed his gaze down the street and finally let her eyes take in the scene in its entirety. It was almost a shock to see the seemingly endless parade of cars slowly progressing down the one-way street the same direction that the taxi with Kearns had gone. It registered quickly that the majority of them were yellow cabs.

Kate wracked her brain for the cab number or some detail about the car that they could use to locate it, but in her surprise she had noticed nothing but the face of their suspect gazing out the window followed by the icy chill down her spine. Now, as she gazed off to where his cab had taken him, she knew he was gone, lost in a sea of anonymity, a yellow dot amongst dots. Though she felt a twinge of guilt and a hint of worry, some part of her was relieved not to have to live the scene her mind had played out in her head only moments before.

x.x.x

A/N: So, it's been a while. Sorry I've been away so long. I have an explanation, not an excuse. I started writing a year ago (Sept. 26th, 2010 to be specific). I gave myself a year to see if I was any good at it and, if I was, then I planned to work on a novel with original characters. You have all been tremendously supportive and encouraging. As a result, I've been plotting and coming up with backstories for my characters. Anyway, that being said, I'm going to be putting a lot of focus on that and writing here when I can. I'm sorry to all of you who had grown accustomed to my updates 3-5 times a week, but I have some goals to meet before I turn 30 and that's (surprisingly) right around the corner. I appreciate your patience with me and my lack of updates. I will not give up until the story is finished it will just take me a little longer to get there.

Review that made my day: **Everyone who encouraged me to come back**, I truly appreciate your readership and inspirational words. Sorry I was away so long.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty-One

The normal relative quiet of the bullpen would be no escape tonight, of that Kate was certain from the events of the past few hours. Within minutes of arriving back in the precinct, agents had swarmed her normal stomping grounds, taken over her desk, her files, her space, even commandeered her freaking white board and Beckett found herself at the end of her rope.

They were either going to catch this guy or they weren't, but she didn't think her team's contribution to the effort was lending any weight at the moment. Everyone was scrambling to identify and locate the various players that were pictured on Kearns' wall of death. The most likely targets were rounded up if they showed an interest in protection, but that proved to be the minority of their contact. For the most part, these criminals were slow to trust the police and federal agencies and instead brushed off the concern in lieu of protecting themselves.

The effort stretched the local and federal man power thin as protection details were placed on those deemed to be higher risk targets in the hopes of apprehending Kearns. Of the dozens of men they had identified with the help of the local gang units, there were only a handful that seemed like they were in a similar position as the men who had already been killed. Still, not wanting to risk losing Kearns or the explosive device, the feds had made it clear surveillance on those unwilling to head to a safe house or be housed in the precinct for a day or two, were to be watched around the clock.

Tension in the bullpen continued to grow to a fever pitch as her team was relegated to menial tasks and sidestepped at every turn. As much as she had been grateful for the assistance in the beginning, something to draw a new end to this day, now Beckett regretted that swift proclamation. She was worn and weary, but couldn't fight the heavy weight of feeling useless in her own endeavor. This was her case, hers more than anyone else in the world.

She had born the weight and torment of this day and it was not the FBI's or Homeland Security's. It was not the responsibility of the ATF or any of the other various suit wearing progeny of the alphabet soup that was the overreaching arm of the federal government. This was hers and the more it slipped away, the more she fell away with it. The more she was relegated to the background, the more she felt there was nothing for her to do but to wait for tomorrow to wake up and make sure she did everything in her power to keep the over-eager, monotone suit wearing, fast talking, imbeciles away from her case and out of her hair.

It was nearing seven when she found herself slumped against the railing of the stairs where she sat overlooking the chaos that had exploded in her domain. Castle found his way to her at some point and had been silently perched beside her on the same stair, overlooking the same scene, but with a gaze that wavered far more often than hers did. Peripherally she was aware of his eyes traveling to her in an effort to possibly gage her mental state or verify she was holding up. She knew she wasn't and nothing they were doing here had proven helpful in lifting the grey cloud.

Every time she watched Ryan or Esposito leave the bullpen on some other fetch-it mission for the men in suits, the knot in her gut tightened and threatened to rob her of breath and sane thought until she watched them return. Every time Castle was out of her sight for longer than a few short minutes that same knot lodged in her guts and twisted up into her throat. She wanted to package them all in bubble wrap and throw them in an empty holding cell until the potential for their demise had passed, but she knew the insanity of that line of thinking. Not only would the guys never go for the protective gesture, once they had gotten the officer to open the cell for them they would hunt her down and deliver her in a straitjacket to the nearest mental health facility.

It all seemed to futile an effort, but at the same time, she knew something would eventually pan out and either she or her team would be there to take the hit again, just as they had for days.

Castle's voice cut into her darker thoughts, stopping the spiral before it hit a new low, "Alexis called." she acknowledged his statement with some kind of noise, but she hadn't really given thought to anything more than him making an offhand comment. "She said you mentioned maybe joining us for dinner?" His question finally drew her eyes from the activity below them and she nodded briefly as she thought about how long ago that conversation seemed now. "She just wanted to know if she should warm something up or if you were still planning on stopping by."

"We have work to do here." she replied, dismissing the thought even as she remembered the light in Alexis' eyes as she had offered to cook for her.

Castle's laugh was sardonic. "We're sitting on the stairs." he pointed out and she realized they had been there for some time. "Ryan and Esposito have been going for ten hours and you're dead on your feet. We need to step back for a while."

"There is no while, Castle. Don't you get it?" she let the futility of the situation get to her as her statement came out far more confrontational than she had intended. "Look, there are only a few more hours in the day and if I don't find the key then we're going to have to do this all over again."

"You can't treat this as a normal case, Beckett. You have to look at this like a scientist." His tone was level and patient as he continued in his attempt to explain, "You changed something. It had to be something pretty major if the fact that it's after seven and we're all still alive is anything to go by."

She let the silence that followed that proclamation weigh in for a long moment when the only sounds to pass between them came from the rush of feet below, the rusting of papers, the sound of phones ringing. Her mind had been sent spinning with what Castle's simple statement meant to her. Someone had died everyday a little after six and to be sitting beside him with her team fully in tact nearly an hour after the apparent deadline should have been a major comfort, but she was waiting to wake from this daze and find the nightmare had followed them. She didn't want to let her guard down only to realize too late that the danger had not passed and was simply deciding to be fashionably late thanks to their intrusion on Kearns' apartment earlier in the day.

Finally she breathed a heavy sigh and moved her eyes to meet his as she let everything fall away and she knew he was seeing right into the heart of her fear, "What if it's not enough?"

"You won't know until you sleep." he reminded her, turning slightly to face her more directly and not moving away when his knee bumped her thigh.

The heat of him through the layers had her wanting to fall willingly into his suggestion, but she still fought the notion of abandoning her investigation to the bumbling hands of the feds who had already traipsed over most of their case. "I don't think I'll be able to sleep if I tried." she confessed.

Castle gave her a lopsided grin that she knew was meant to reassure her, but the tension in his shoulders and the concern in his eyes overwhelmed the little quirk of his lips. "No one said you have to sleep now, just come and eat dinner. Maybe you'll get a fresh perspective."

It was a tempting offer, especially as she considered the willingness of her two detectives to follow her lead should she choose to call it a night and leave the burning of the midnight oil to the federal agents involved. Still, it would be tantamount to him asking her to sever her own arm and he obviously knew that if the apprehension in his features was anything to go by.

She was about willing to cave when there was a movement on the other side of Castle and she saw he had brought a case file with when he'd originally joined her. In her dazed state she hadn't noticed until he waved it invitingly in front of her. "Come on." he cajoled, "We can read the file and Kearns' wife over dessert." he offered, his tone teasing as if he were actually bribing her.

She almost smiled at him then. He knew she wouldn't be able to shut down completely and he was giving her an opportunity to plan ahead, plot out what next and possibly find something that she could use should she have to go back into this same day again. It was exactly what she didn't know she needed. He was handing her the possibility of having a game plan in advance instead of waking with the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness at the same day falling on her again. He was giving her back some of the control that she had felt herself without for such a long time and she knew in that moment that she would follow him home tonight.

The feeling of a heavy weight lifting from her chest was almost palpable as she felt her shoulders slack with relief and her head fall to the side to rest against Castle's shoulder. "Ok." was her only verbal response, but in combination with her actions, she felt the tension melt away from him as well.

It didn't take much to talk Ryan and Esposito into calling it a night. They left their contact information with the feds in case they were needed, though Beckett was less than convinced that if they did call she would even answer it. Instead of drawing attention to anything, they bid polite good nights and parted company with Ryan and Esposito on the main floor as they moved in opposite directions to reach their vehicles.

Beckett let Castle drive, though in his state of apparent shock with the aberration and the obvious distraction the offer caused, she probably should have suggested a cab instead. Despite a few close calls, they made it to his apartment without incident and soon she found herself walking into Castle's loft for the second time that day.

Alexis greeted them from the kitchen, but didn't come to meet them. Beckett could tell the teen was keeping her distance intentionally, not wanting to push the wrong buttons. Deciding it would probably be best just to jump in, Kate walked to the kitchen and scrubbed her hands. When she turned, both Castles were watching her with twin questioning gazes and were she in any other state of mind she may have found the moment humorous in a cute as s button kind of way.

It just wasn't one of those days when she could let the more frivolous thoughts take shape, so she sent Castle a toned down version of her usual glare. "You," she pointed at him so there would be no mistake, "go write or watch cartoons or play Angry Birds or something." she informed him and then placed her hands on her hips when he didn't immediately comply.

After a moment, Castle raised his hands in surrender and turned a teasing smile his daughter's way. "Better you than me, Baby Bird." he informed her before winking and heading to his office.

"Dad get himself in trouble again?" Alexis asked as she made a move to go perch on a barstool at the island as she had the one other time Kate had made this dish in their house. Though, that time she had been doing homework and only half paying attention, so she had been unable to help her father recreate the creamy pasta.

"No." Kate replied easily, cocking an eyebrow at the teen in a silent question. After a short moment, Beckett realized the girl didn't get the hint, "What are you doing?"

Kate watched slightly perplexed as the teen's cheeks dusted with a hint of pink. "Sorry, I was just going to sit with you." she explained quickly. "It's ok; I can go, uh, upstairs and do homework or something."

Alexis was on her feet as if to retreat before she had finished stammering the response. It was as if the girl thought she had to walk on eggshells because Kate had made one reference to her mother. She was not completely devoid of understanding that there were things about her mom that would always bring tears to her eyes, but she was also sure that there were things about her mom that made her smile and fill with a sense of inclusion and warmth, a family feeling, something she didn't experience any more.

She was not hyper-sensitive and she hated that her lie this morning had contributed to Alexis feeling as if any and all references to the "M" word were off limits. She intended to rid her of that feeling by the end of the night. Yes, there were things that were too private or too painful, but for the most part, she found that she didn't want to shut the rest away.

"Nice try, Lex." she remarked, drawing the teen's eyes to her quickly as if searching for an answer. "You're cooking tonight."

"Oh," the teen seemed to come to a conclusion and the fall of her expression was enough to tell Kate it was the wrong one even before she started speaking. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking. You've been working all day and you're tired. We can do that pasta another time. I just. . ."

Beckett cut her off with a chuckled. "Oh, no you don't." she replied. "That deflection doesn't work for your dad and it's not going to fly with you, either, missy. I've been thinking about that pasta all day and if you want your dad to stop ruining it, you're going to have to make it yourself." Beckett could see her protest of not knowing how forming on her lips, but as Kate set to work finding the ingredients and setting them on the counter, the protest died before it registered and Alexis smiled slightly as she understood it was going to be done together.

"My mom taught me how to make this when I was about twelve." she mentioned lightly as she set to work grating a block of parmesan she had pulled out. To her surprise the statement was made with an easy smile on her lips.

Something in Alexis shifted as the girl reached for the carrots and started to peel them. It wasn't darker, necessarily, but it was an expression she had never seen on the girl before. "You don't have to tell me any of this, Kate." Alexis finally spoke up as she rinsed the vegetable and moved on to the next one.

The sound of her name from Alexis was enough to send her off fighting tears when she hadn't been a moment before. Instead of hiding them away, she turned to face the teen with the wet glimmer in her eyes and her shoulders strong, straight and proud. "I want to share her with you." Kate finally spoke up and was surprised by the honesty of the statement. There were things about Alexis' upbringing that she knew would have benefitted from having the type of female role model that her mom represented as opposed to the absentee mother she had to contend with. In some ways, thought it hurt to admit, she felt lucky to have had the years with her mom that she did.

At first, the thought jarred her because it felt disrespectful to be glad for the happy times, it felt almost like she was giving up on all her empty hopes to one day wake and find that it was all a horrible nightmare and her mom was fine, alive and happy and that she'd live to be a hundred years old. But as the thought settled, she realized how right it was. She could have been given a mom that didn't seem to care or was too busy for her. Her mom was a lawyer, and so her time was very valuable. Still, she had made time for her family and that was something that she wished Alexis could have had, despite the early end. Quality of time over quantity of years.

"I don't have anyone else to pass the Beckett family recipes to, anyway, so I elect you as the recipient of knowledge." She knew he tone was light and teasing, but watched as the heavy weight of the statement weighed in for Alexis in her eyes.

"I'll keep the secrets safe."

Kate almost rolled her eyes at the teen's sincerity, but instead she smiled and passed the girl a head of broccoli. "Why do you think I'm not trusting your dad with them?"

Alexis grinned back, shaking her head slightly in amusement at the change in the air, "Good point; they'd end up in his next book."

"Besides, Castle would make for a terribly ugly little sister." Beckett countered, thinking about how easily Alexis had accepted a casual reference to her as Kate's family. It was still odd, but it didn't feel wrong, so Kate let the day melt away from her at the sparkle in the teen's eyes and bumped her hip against the younger woman's before they shared a smile and Kate launched into a story about how she had burnt the dish one of the first times she'd made it.

x.x.x

A/N: Football season got over for my daughter's team. They won their last game and had a party at Chuck E Cheese's. So you'd think I'd have more time now, but guess what starts right away? Basketball. So she's going to be on the basketball team and that's good because she's going to be 6'2"-6'4", so she needs to be doing something productive with all that height. Anyway, I'm still trucking on the novel idea, a little annoyed by its simplicity and having trouble figuring out some character growth, but I've named and given backgrounds to all the players, figured out all the evidence, have my red herrings and guilty party. I'm thinking of adding a sub plot so it's a more rounded story.

I'll come back as soon as I can and perhaps I'll even have time to edit the next one. as it is, it's after midnight and I'm heading to bed. Glaring errors will be fixed in the next day or two, let me know if I dropped a sentence in the middle of a word or anything, I've been known to do that on occasion. Thanks.

Review that made my day: **RubyRoy87**, for the positive words. I love all of you as well and it's the one thing I'm finding so difficult about writing outside of this site. There is a lack of instant feedback that makes the writing of a novel feel so solitary and that's why I'll always come back to work a little and chip away at the stories I'm working on here. It makes a solitary endeavor into a sort of group activity that doesn't ever disappoint.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty-Two

If someone were to ask her to describe what making dinner with Alexis that night had meant to her, Kate probably wouldn't have been able to put it into words. The easy flow of conversation with the work on top of the ultimate faith the teen seemed to have in what Kate was not only trying to accomplish, but also her ability to teach it to the younger woman, was something that Kate didn't know how to quantify.

The quietly spoken words and the ease of conversation in that short hour, was enough to act as a balm to her aching soul and even gave her a few brief glimpses of something she hadn't realized was missing until just that moment. It was normal. She had been fostering a gaping hole within herself that was this word of apparently small meaning, but it held a huge weight in her that she hadn't recognized in all the other things that seemed so much more important. She hadn't felt a sense of normalcy in her life, an easy camaraderie born of the simple desire to share food with another person, in a very long time.

Her family had always used cooking as a way to spend time together and somehow she had devolved into a place where cooking made her maudlin, made her miss the things she didn't have. Instead, working with the youngest Castle, she couldn't help but wonder why she had such negative connotations of the action before. Of course, she had cooked more than a few times in the past dozen years since she lost her mom, but she had never really had this much fun with it since she was much younger and her mom was still alive to share the kitchen with her.

Kate was more than a little surprised with the ease to which the two of them had fallen into a steady rhythm. They worked well together and despite a few minor bumps as their two styles of working in a kitchen clashed for a moment, they both developed ways to work with each other instead of against. The look that Castle shot her over the table as he set out plates once they had allowed him to permeate the bubble they had built around the action of cooking was enough to tell her that he might not have understood completely, but he got it.

It was the easy cooperation in the kitchen and the light flow of conversation that left Kate confused when shortly after dinner Alexis excused herself to go upstairs and work on some school project that sounded completely fictitious from the lilt in the girl's voice. It wasn't until Kate spotted the file Castle had laid on the table that she understood the teen was giving them time to work on organizing the case or to discuss whatever they needed to without need to worry about censoring themselves.

It was almost a surprise to her when Rick flipped open the file and she reached out a short second later to flip it back closed. "Can we just wait on that a little while?" she asked, realizing that there was nothing she wanted more in this moment than to hold onto that feeling of rightness that had settled over her during her time in the kitchen with Alexis. That feeling that had stayed with the three of them as they had laughed and talked about things so far from their normal conversational topics of death and murder over dinner. It had felt almost like those nights so many years ago with her own family when she was barely older than Alexis.

It was odd to realize in that moment that she had so easily fallen into the role her mother normally played in her family and even more shocking that it didn't feel wrong or uncomfortable at all. The whole night had felt nothing less than comfortable and as she drew her hand back from the file and brought her green eyes up to meet the questioning gaze in Castle's blue ones she couldn't stop the smile that had been threatening to spill. The one that didn't have a hint of fear and uncertainty tainting the edges of it.

If he had been surprised by her closing the file, then the look on his face as she settled back on the couch and dropper her head to his shoulder was probably something in the realm of mild shock. He had stiffened against her as if unsure what to do with the action. It only took a couple of heart beats before he sighed and relaxed, slipping his arm around behind her and pulling her more fully against him. Her head dropped forward to rest against his chest and she savored the feeling of just being for a moment.

Kate's mind tried to pull up her concerns about whether any of this would matter tomorrow or whether there would even be a tomorrow, but instead of letting the thoughts develop she burrowed into his chest and decided to just let it be for a minute. It was a surprisingly free feeling to make the conscious decision to just exist in the moment. She had a hard time recalling when she had ever felt such little weight on her shoulders.

Kate breathed in a long slow breath through her nose, his scent surrounded her and the potency of it from so close was enough to make her feel as if the whole of him was filling her lungs. "This is better." she whispered against his chest and felt the subtle vibrations against her cheek as he hummed his agreement. The rumble felt almost ticklish against her skin and she let out a brief involuntary chuckle.

"What?" he asked, sounding more amused than curious.

"Tickles." she replied easily, feeling him relax further beneath her as his fingers ghosted from her back to her side and then wiggled lightly against the skin over her ribs. "Hey." she admonished, poking a finger into his chest as a warning against him tickling her.

He started to laugh at her reaction, but the sound caught in his throat as her hand settled just over his heart and her fingers started to move casually in slow, soothing patterns against the fabric of his shirt as if soothing the sting she had inflicted on him. Kate hummed in appreciative response when his hand spread out to span her ribs, fingers lightly brushing before his hand settled firm and steady against her body.

They stayed like that for several minutes, sharing the silence and breathing in the moment of quiet in a day that had been anything but. There was still a subtle thrumming of uncertainty rolling off him in little waves as evidenced by the slight tension in the muscles against her cheek, but it took him a long while before he was apparently ready to put voice to whatever was bothering him.

She felt the tension in his grip against her side a moment before he opened his mouth, as if he was trying to hold on to her despite the fact that he was about to shatter whatever this was with his words. "Is this weird?"

Whatever she had been expecting, that wasn't it and the simple question had her letting out a nervous trill of laughter and pulling back far enough to see the slightly uncomfortable look on his face. "You know," she started, pausing more for the effect of looking as if she were seriously considering his question before continuing, "It really is." she replied before she chuckled.

Her laughter died in the sudden sweep of his arm pulling her back into the side of his body. "Ok," he replied, and she felt herself relax a little, though she wasn't sure what was going through his mind and that put her a little on edge, "I was just checking."

Such a simple statement, an acknowledgment of the oddity of their position specifically or the day in general, but it was enough to have her relaxing against him again. She felt good with it being nothing more than something they both thought was a little weird and she refused to let thoughts of how this was far from the weirdest part of the day interrupt their little moment of peace. This moment where the world melted away and everything became a matter of sensation surrounding and permeating her.

His scent filled her lungs. His warmth infused her body wherever there was contact. His fingers moved in lazy patterns up and down her side, and he released a little hum in his chest as he seemed to tunelessly work out a rhythm. She'd never pictured him to be a hummer, but she didn't suppose that the random quality of almost song was too terribly outside the realm of what was likely his norm. He was, after all, a man that couldn't keep his mouth shut.

It didn't take long for the sensory overload to wear on her and the comfort of his embrace was enough to allow her eyes to slip closed. She relished the feel of him against her as she took in the moment without the influence of her sense of sight. Not that the visual of his chest slowly rising and falling beneath his shirt and the edge of the couch were very stimulating sights, but for some reason she felt her other senses heighten without her eyes.

It felt like a long time of near drowning in the man who was practically wrapped around her before everything faded away and a dreamless sleep captured her.

A ringing interrupted her sleep and she burrowed further into Castle's chest with a groan of frustration for being woken up. She listened to the annoying start and stop of sound as the ringing continued to filter into her half-sleeping mind. With another groan of frustration, she turned her face into his chest, trying to hide from the sound and his laughter at her movement rumbled in his chest.

"Not real big on being woken up, huh?" he inquired, his hand coming up to sweep the hair from her face and let the light surrounding them reach her eyes.

It only took her a couple more moments before she realized she had just woken up somewhere that wasn't her bed at home and the giddy swell of excitement that raced through her in that second was enough to have her pulling away to catch his gaze with a smile instantly pulling at her lips.

"Hmm." he was the first to speak as he let his fingers ghost over her cheek. "I didn't expect that little tantrum to be over quite so quickly."

"Castle." she spoke as if his name was the only response to this whole crazy mess and then she was leaning into him. Her hand found stability against his chest, the position allowed her to feel the hitch and increase in the beating of his heart beneath his sternum as she leaned in to brush her still smiling lips against his.

It didn't take much movement on his part before her smile was vanquished in lieu of movement as their lips worked to find just the right pressure and then went in search of more. The intensity of the moment exploded around her as joy filled her blood and relief washed all of her frustrations away. She had done it, they had done it.

It wasn't long before her tongue was pushing intently for entry into his mouth and he didn't hesitate in granting her access. The angle was slightly awkward, sitting beside him with her face turned up to meet him as she had slumped down into the cushions while she slept. The frustration of not having the kind of leverage or range of motion she wanted had her releasing a frustrated growl that broke the contact of their lips. Castle's matching sound of disappointment stopped on a gasp as she shifted and straddled his hips, dropping down into his lap as her lips crashed back to his.

It was as if taking even that short span of a second away from each other was too much and they took a long moment for hands to roam in soft, gentle caresses as lips and teeth and tongues battled far more fiercely. It wasn't until she had pulled away out of the absolute necessity of breathing and dropped her lips to his neck, kissing and nuzzling against the skin there, that she realized her phone was still ringing.

Castle seemed to come to the same realization as his gasping statements filled the air where before there were only animalistic sounds of hunger and need. "Shouldn't you," he broke off on a strangled groan when her teeth grazed across a tendon in his neck. "answer," he tried to continue, but she didn't want to talk and managed to get his words to cease for another long pause on a deliciously deep rumble from his chest when she rocked into him. Castle's hands fell to her hips and held her still as he breathed in several strained, heavy breaths before opening his mouth on a high pitched whine when her teeth sank lightly into his earlobe. With a shuddering sigh, he finished his question, "your phone?"

"They'll call back." she breathed against his heated skin and then release her own gasp as his fingers dug slightly into her hips as if he were trying to restrain himself before he gave up and guided her in a motion to rock against him in a way they had both been aching for. The fabric of her pants created a friction that sent a pulse of pleasure shooting through her as Castle leaned further into her and let his mouth, no longer distracted by his questions concerning her phone, fall against the skin on her neck. Warm wet trails of kisses were placed along the column of her neck and when he settled against the hollow point at the base of her throat with a light teasing lick at the same moment he moved her against him again, her eyes shot open on a gasp.

Shock raced through her and she felt Castle's movement stop, revealing that she must have shown some sign of her sudden shift in emotional being. She assumed she'd gone rigid in his embrace, but her eyes were locked on the window over the dining table that looked out over the city. The giddy excitement that had bolstered her up mere moments before came crashing back against her as realization set in that she hadn't woken in her own bed at home this Wednesday morning because it was still Tuesday night. Scared of what she would see if she broke contact with the window to find a clock, she forced herself to swallow past the thick swelling in her throat as her trembling voice released, whisper soft, into the air around her. "What time is it?"

She felt him move then, shift back from her and turn his head in the direction of the large decorative clock she knew was on the far wall. With her eyes squeezed tightly closed she begged the universe for his response to be something about it being very early morning, around four of five, just before the sun came up, but she knew from the defeated slump of his shoulders that he had figured out what this was all about and he didn't want to be the one to speak the answer. Still, he cleared his throat of its own thickness and whispered the time.

His response left her head spinning. It was barely after ten at night, barely after ten and she had slept for less than an hour. The plummet in her mood and in her mind was enough to have her falling into his chest and burying her face against his neck, her eyes squeezed closed to try and keep defeated tears from leaking out. She was unsuccessful.

Hot tears burned from her eyes, seeping out to fall against his skin where they cooled quickly in the air. It was barely a minute later when her phone started to ring again and this time she knew it wasn't good news. She didn't want to hear what had happened in her absence and just the thought of it was enough to have her gasping in a ragged breath and pushing away from him.

Standing on slightly wobbling legs, she shot a look in the general direction of her jacket where her phone was insistently ringing, but instead of taking a step towards the offending electronic devise, she stumbled back, further from it. She didn't actually believe that avoiding the call would make it any less real, whatever had happened, but she also knew she couldn't take that call right now. She was having trouble being unable to see completely straight and her inability to breathe in full or complete breaths. She took another step back, followed by a third, but it wasn't until Castle rose to his feet and reached a hand out in her direction that her gaze skipped off the jacket and back to him.

His face revealed his concern long before his quiet pleading voice called out just her name, "Kate." it was enough to have her turning from him. She couldn't deal with his quiet concern. She couldn't handle the empathy she saw in his eyes or the tortured pain he was trying to hide from her beneath a smile so fake it had to be physically painful for him to even attempt.

Unable to take it anymore, she turned from the phone, from Castle and from everything that was forcing her heart into a panicked gallop and raced towards the bathroom. She knew it wasn't a good idea to leave the door unlocked after her impromptu visit this morning, so as she slammed the door behind herself, fully aware she should have reserved some of her frustration instead of taking it out on the wood, she flipped the lock.

The silence of her tears was no longer an option when a strangled sob escaped her throat and she collapsed against the bathroom door, sliding to the floor and pulling a knee up to her chest in order to have something to hold onto, something to grasp that might ground her as she fell apart. It was too cruel to have woken with the prospect of hope, too cruel to have seen that brief glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. It was too much when it was all snatched away from her again.

To have soared to such a high level of happiness and plummeted back to earth was shattering. It was enough to have her curled further into herself until she folded to the floor, letting her shoulder support the weight of her against the hard surface and actually relishing the fact that she could still feel anything when her cheek came to rest against the cold tiles. She lay there for what felt like ages, her hot tears falling on the cold floor as she shook, more from her grief and anger at herself for even bothering to get her hopes up, than any kind of reaction to the temperature.

Back against the door, she was not too far gone to hear the handle jiggle as if Castle were testing to enter as he had that morning, but he found it locked. A moment later she heard as well as felt when he leaned against the door on the other side.

"Kate." he called, his voice muffled through the sturdy wood. "That was Esposito. Kearns is dead."

It took a while for the knowledge to reach her and for understanding to dawn. "How?" she finally croaked, not sure if her voice would carry to him as she whispered her hope into the room.

"He detonated his bomb." Castle told her, but his voice was wary, hints of him hiding something were there beneath the surface, but there was only one thing she wanted to know.

She just wanted to know that everyone was ok. She wanted to hear him say it. Despite hearing that Esposito was the one to call; she needed to hear Castle tell her that they had all survived this day. "Ryan and Esposito?" she asked, her voice breaking as she wondered whether should would elect to spend the rest of the night on the floor in his bathroom if the answer was anything she didn't want to hear.

"Both fine, stuck out of the action thanks to the FBI taking over and you sending them home."

The wave of relief that washed over her was almost enough to offset the rolling in her stomach. They had all survived the day. Somehow, they had all managed to live and her relief sent fresh tears barreling down her cheeks at the same time that she stumbled shakily to her feet.

Castle almost fell into her from where he had been leaning his forehead against the bathroom door when she yanked it open. He didn't right himself completely; instead he seemed to go with the momentum of the fall and continued forward to wrap her in his arms.

The action should have been comforting, but instead she felt herself break just a little more in his soothing embrace. The calming sound of his voice, soft and soothing against her hair as a hand ran in gentle circles against her back released a fresh wave of tears, but these ones she wasn't sure whether they were happy or scared. She didn't want to have made it through the day without losing anyone only to have this heavy fear clinging tightly as a knot in her stomach while she worried that it wouldn't matter tomorrow because it would just be Tuesday again and she wouldn't be able to stop it two days in a row.

She at least had somewhere to go from here and after a few minutes, she let Rick lead her back out to the couch. Once they were seated he reached for the remote, but she didn't have the energy to tell him that she wasn't up to watching anything before he had flipped on the screen. He scrolled through the channels before settling on a news station.

It didn't take long for her to catch on to his reasoning as a reporter broadcasting live from a street in New York stood in front of a charred building with rubble scattered about behind her. The woman's expression was neutral, but the anxiety in her was clear from the way her eyes scrunched in the corners and how tightly she held her lips together in between lines of speaking. It took several seconds before her mind cleared enough for her to read the banner running along the bottom of the screen that read "Suicide Bombing Rocks Manhattan, New York"

It was with a shaky sigh that she forced herself to tune into the words that the reporter was speaking and the shaking that had started in her hands began to take over the rest of her body. With Castle beside her, his arm around her shoulder holding her into him firmly as if his grasp would stop the quaking in her, Kate's ears finally heard and suddenly she couldn't stop listening. She wanted to, so badly, but the woman kept speaking.

She wanted to turn it off, but she didn't have the energy to reach for the remote. She wanted to hurl something through the screen if that's what it took to get the woman to shut up, but again, that would take strength that her trembling body didn't seem to possess in the moment. Instead, she was forced to endure the revelation that in saving her team, her partner and herself, she had sacrificed so many other lives.

"We have confirmation from the local police of seventeen confirmed casualties. Several pedestrians along the sidewalk were taken to the emergency room including a woman and her six month old baby. Both are being listed in critical condition at this time. We will have more for you as things develop." The woman took a deep breath and expelled it, exposing her anxiety more clearly for just a moment before her mask of professionalism was back in place. "For those of you just joining us, this is Penny Cooper reporting live from Madison Avenue at the sight of a suicide bombing. Eye witnesses report that a man entered shortly after eight this evening. The man allegedly pulled a gun and that is when the sous chef exited through a back door and called police. Officers arrived on sight within minutes, but upon entering the building witnesses say an explosion tore through the Italian bistro. There were no survivors within the restaurant which appeared to have been booked to near capacity from the statement given to this reporter from man who had managed to make it out of the building alive. We will continue to provide coverage of this event as it unfolds."

A disembodied voice cut in, obviously another anchor who was off site in a news room, "Penny, can you tell us anything about the bomber?"

The woman's mask had slipped again as she listened to the other anchor, but it was back up quickly again and Kate was left wondering if she was quite so obvious as this woman when she went through the same exercise. It was apparently futile because anyone watching would be able to see the crack in her armor. Not that she had any armor at this point.

There was a moment of silence as the reporter listened to the other new anchor before she responded, "Police have only released that this appears to be an isolated incident with a specific intended target. They are confident the man responsible, who is not being identified at this time, was acting alone and with a specific purpose, but things apparently got out of hand for him on this evening and he reacted with deadly force."

Kate felt the bile rise up in her throat as she caught sight of something beyond the shattered windows of the restaurant. She couldn't pull her eyes away once she identified the charred image of a stuffed bear lying on the floor. Kids. It was a restaurant full of families simply having dinner. Her team was spared and she had been selfishly grateful, but now she just felt sick.

She finally tore her gaze away from the TV as she buried her wet face against Castle's chest. "Turn it off." she said, but he didn't move. It was as if he was confused, or maybe she hadn't spoken loudly enough. "Dammit, Rick!" she shouted, certain he would hear her that time considering their proximity, "I said turn it off." her clenched teeth barely muffed the demand and she felt him scrambling to get the remote pointed in the correct direction. Blissful silence settled over them, but it was too late. The words would ring in her head, the sight of that teddy bear, the reporter's anxiety, the woman and her baby, all of those families. It was on her head. She had caused this by selfishly wanting to protect her team and her partner. This was not the kind of trade off she had wanted.

She wondered about the logic of picking the lock at Kearns' apartment very early in the morning if she had another chance and walking in to wake him with a bullet to the head while he slept on unaware. She wondered if that would be enough and if she would be able to live with herself if she killed someone in cold blood. She almost hoped she got another chance just so that she could test that out as a theory. Hell, she just wanted another chance because she couldn't take the thought of dozens of people of little kids and families forever impacted because she was so damn selfish as to think that the people in her life were the most important thing.

She had a plan, a purpose, and perhaps she would actually wake up the next day and follow through on it. That thought helped to stem the flow of tears, helped to calm the trembling in her body, and gave her the strength to finally get herself together. With less reluctance than she expected, she was finally able to pull herself away from Castle and meet his eyes.

She was sure she would see either pity or shame in the depths of blue staring back at her, but all that was there was pain to match her own and a compassion so strong she felt herself swaying from the force of it. She didn't deserve him. She was a mess and he was always playing the part of savior, but whether she deserved him or not, it seemed he would be there for her as long as she needed him to be.

A single tear fell on her already wet cheeks at the thought and he brought his hands up to cup her cheeks as he brushed away the trails of them. "This is not your fault." he said simply.

She shouldn't have been surprised to hear that he could read her so well after all their time together, but it still caught her up at times and this just seemed to be one of them. Shaking her head, more to dismiss any conversation on the subject than to disagree with him, which she would have done if she weren't planning a murder for the morning, she finally managed to get her shaky legs beneath her. A long slow breath in through her nose and out through her mouth and she forced herself to package it all away in the same manner as that reporter had.

"Let me clean up and we'll head down there." she finally spoke and the surprise in his eyes was almost enough to break her into a completely ill-timed fit of laughter. She forced it down and shook her head at him before he could interrupt. "This is still my case, Castle. I have to do this."

After a long searching gaze from him, he gave her a very brief nod and stepped back to allow her to stand on her own. To Kate's surprise, she didn't crumple when he stepped away. Perhaps she was less dependent on him than she had previously worried she might become.

"I'll go tell Alexis we're heading out." he said, the exhaustion he was obviously feeling with her yo-yoing emotions permeated his words and his face as he finally looked away from her.

She let her eyes follow him as he made his way to the stairs and ascended them slowly. She knew he was trying to figure out how to let his daughter know what had happened in the most gentle way possible and she was glad that the teen had him as a father instead of having to hear about it from one of her friends or off the TV herself. He was a good father. It wasn't news to her.

With that distracting thought in mind, she forced herself to follow through on her own statement and she moved back to the bathroom at a far more sedate pace this time. As if on auto-pilot, she cleared the traces of tears from her cheeks and snorted at the tell-tale redness surrounding her eyes as well as the little tracks of smeared mascara smudged beneath them. With a disgruntled sound, she headed back to the living room in search of her jacket to dig through the inside pocket for the small compact of concealer and the eyeliner pencil she always kept on hand for 'emergencies'.

Her normal make-up emergencies were an impromptu foot chase that caused her to sweat more than she had expected, or working in a heavy rain. She might consider carrying a purse with a few more supplies if she was going to be crying regularly as had been the norm over the past couple of days.

She did what she could with what little she had and felt almost human again when she finally made her way back to the living room. Castle was there waiting for her and he gave her a little smile while he tilted his head to the side as if asking whether she was ok.

Disregarding his silent question, Kate slipped on her jacket for a moment to herself before she addressed him, "Is Alexis ok?"

Rick nodded at first, and then gave a shrug. "I don't know, really. I think so, but she knows that this was the guy we were looking for. I'm worried she might be blaming herself because we came home tonight instead of staying to pursue the case."

"That's ridiculous." Beckett responded quickly, tempted to march upstairs and let the girl know that this was only on the man who had detonated that bomb, but then the hypocrisy of that thought left her rooted to the spot she stood in. Could she even tell the girl that with a straight face or would she break down and let her know that it was actually Kate's fault. That all of this was because she had selfishly begged for another chance and been granted it.

She had to ignore the hole that opened in the pit of her stomach and the rolling of that same organ as she took a calming breath and then nodded at Castle that she was ready to go.

It didn't take long for them to arrive at the scene, but getting from the car to the restaurant proved to be daunting. They had to park several blocks away to avoid the clog of traffic with all the police and news crews on the scene already. It also took a while before they were able to get a word with Agent Adams and clearance to even be at the sight. She spotted Ryan and Esposito, working with the CSU techs to make some kind of dent in getting through all the evidence that was sure to be collected from this scene.

They both spotted her and Castle almost immediately and graced them with a brief nod before they turned back to the task at hand. Beckett's eyes roamed the scene, falling on the bear she had seen on TV and noting the blackened and matted fur. She couldn't stop herself from taking a step closer to the window and peering inside. It was a mess of debris and the air hung heavy with the cloying thickness that only the scent of burnt human flesh could bring about. The smell was almost enough to drive her away, but she forced herself to look on the devastation. These were images she would need if she were going to have any chance at all of taking that shot tomorrow morning.

She knew, to step so far outside of the law, the justice that she had dedicated her life to so long ago; she would need all the motivation she could get. The smell made her feel sick, but she bit back the urge to lose the nice dinner she and Alexis had made, the dinner she had enjoyed about the same time that these people were all losing their lives, and pushed on.

Beckett didn't have much to say, but she listened for her instructions and then set to work on trying to find anything pertinent in the piles of wreckage within the restaurant. It wasn't until her gaze fell on a thin strip of charred flesh beneath the shattered remnants of a table that she thought she would lose it completely. She forced the sense of calm back through her and carefully lifted the debris to expose the arm of a young girl. Her upper body had been charred by the blast nearly unrecognizably so, but her lower body still had scraps of the pink dress she had been wearing and the little ballet style shoes that seemed as if they probably matched somewhere beneath the soot.

She heard Castle gasp from beside her and caught his expression as he looked down on the small body she had uncovered. His eyes filled with moisture, but as she watched he blinked it away as if stealing himself and hiding his own pain. It wasn't until he turned concerned eyes in her direction that she realized the only reason he was trying was so that he didn't upset her further. The only reason he was here at all was because he wanted to be there for her, to help her through in whatever way possible.

The thought left her feeling a fresh wave of anger towards herself, because he could be home safe from the knowledge of what happened on this night. Hearing about something and seeing it first hand while breathing the stench of it into your body were completely different points of reference, even for someone with as vivid an imagination as Richard Castle.

For a moment she let her eyes scan the cracked, broken skin, black with lines of red and white where she thought she might be able to see straight into the young girl's body. Then, with a finally shaky breath that hardened her resolve to finish things early tomorrow, she gently laid the table back over the girl's burnt and broken body before she stood up in the middle of the wreckage and let her eyes scan the area.

It was looking to be a long night, but one thing she was certain of. If she got another chance at this day, she wasn't risking any more lives.

x.x.x

A/N: As it's my first NaNoWriMo, I have been dedicating all of my time and energy for November to my own novel. I'm at a sticking point and have seemed to run out of steam for a moment. Since I still need to make my goal of 50,000 words this month, I've decided that I'm going to cheat on my novel and pop over here to write for a while. I hope you guys don't mind.

How many of you are participating in NaNoWriMo this year? Are you going to make it?

Review that made my day: **Faithful readers**, yes, this includes you and everyone else who is back despite the lengthy space between updates. I know I've spoiled you all in the past with updates 2-3 times a week or more so this is like a vast black hole of time, but I'm hoping it will get better as I get further along in my own book. Hopefully this extra-long chapter will make up for it a little since it's about as long as 3 chapters put together. Plus I have another 4,000 words written, but I haven't finished the end of that part yet so give me a day or two to get that worked out and I'll post that as well.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

It was hours later before they dragged back into Castle's loft. There hadn't even been a discussion of where they were heading and she didn't see the point in arguing with him when she would like nothing better than to crawl into bed beside him and fall asleep in his arms, though she was fairly confident that she wouldn't wake up there.

Alexis was still up when they walked in, but Kate only gave her a cursory greeting before disappearing into Castle's room and rifling through the man's drawers. She should have felt uncomfortable with the level of familiarity she was gaining with him and his things, the way she was simply helping herself to his things. She shrugged off the concern by figuring that if they wanted to continue treating her like family then who was she to argue. She smelled like smoke and death and she wanted nothing more than to wash it all away and then possibly throw those clothes in the garbage.

Castle's hands landing on her shoulders drew her attention from the task of finding something to sleep in for just a moment and then she was back to rifling through his drawers. He pulled his hands back as she located his pajama drawer and gathered flannel pants before moving back to another drawer and fetching a couple of t-shirts.

"You stink." she informed him and felt slightly warmed by the chuckle he released against the top of her head before he stepped back so she could turn around. "Shower first, then I think I could sleep for a week."

He nodded a reached for the clothes in her hand since she had gathered two pairs, but she pulled them away from him and headed into the bathroom to hang them on a rod before either one of them tainted the clean-smelling fabric with their smoky clothes. When she had finished the task she turned to find Rick standing in the doorway, leaning against it looking weary and heavy with his exhaustion, but smiling slightly at her as if bemused. "You go ahead and go first or I can go to the guest bathroom and no one has to be second?"

Without thinking too much about how this would probably be weird for him, she reached out and took a handful of his shirt in her fist, pulled him towards her and kicked the door closed behind him. Despite what she knew, he had never seen her in a situation like the one she was about to ask him to participate in, but in that moment she didn't care. She wanted him to be there when she turned around no matter where that happened to be. She wanted to smell him on herself from his soap, but she also didn't want to relegate him to another bathroom where he might not have the same scents that she so easily associated with him. "Strip." she told him bluntly as she reached for her pants and deftly popped the button.

He seemed frozen in place for a long moment before his eyes met hers and the turmoil in his gaze gave way to understanding. He seemed to get that it wasn't about sex or love or being naked together as much as this moment was about comfort and washing away a day that was so horrible it made her itch. By the time she slipped her pants off and started on the shirt she had worn, he had gotten the hint and followed her lead.

She was bemused to have seen the look on Castle's face as he stood in his own bathroom in nothing more than socks and boxers while she tossed the last of her clothes into a pile she never wanted to see again. She quickly lost whatever amusement she had gained from the mental picture as she stepped into the heated spray of the shower and was reminded of the necessity of the act by the trails of soot that slid down her body and across the pristine white floor and into the drain.

It felt like heaven after the gritty scene they had left and Beckett found herself completely enveloped in that sensation for several minutes before she felt the draft as Castle climbed into the shower behind her. She didn't move to intercept him or even step out of the spray coursing through her hair and over her face to see if he had gotten suddenly shy and stepped in with his boxers and socks still in place as she had last seen him.

It didn't matter, as long as he was comfortable in the moment, though that was hard to tell with her eyes shut against the spray as well. It wasn't until she felt another spray pattering against the front of her body that she opened her eyes and saw that he had more than one shower head in his bathroom.

She watched him, in wet naked glory, turned towards the wall opposite her as he fiddled with the nobs for a few seconds before he finally turned and gave her a tired smile. "This is so not how I imagined the first time I'd see you naked." he joked and something about the attempt had her feeling more like her, as if they were more them when he did that and she couldn't help but smile a little at the lightness that filled her in that moment.

"Cut the crap, Castle." she admonished, her eyes narrowing to glare at him. "I'm fully aware you peeked in my apartment that time."

For a moment he looked completely baffled before he seemed to remember another night when they walked away smelling like smoke and fire. "Hey," he protested, "I said I wouldn't and I didn't."

Beckett rolled her eyes, an action normally so common it felt odd to feel as if it were a foreign gesture for her. "You promised not to look after you'd already looked, so you're talking semantics."

Castle actually unleashed a bit of a playful smile in her direction and she felt more warmed by the look in his eyes that was tied to his smile than she was by the shower beating down on her head and shoulders. "Well, if you want to be technical, it was pretty dark so I didn't really see anything."

"You want me to turn off the light so you can claim ex post facto lack of sight for this time, too?" she asked, surprised at the teasing lilt in her voice as she reached a hand out for his bottle of shampoo and set to work replacing the heavy smell of smoke with the far more subtle and pleasing scent of her partner's stock of shower supplies.

She had turned her back on him to avoid the spray from the shower while she soaped her hair, so his movement caught her by surprise when he reached up to replace her fingers with his. He was steady and thorough in his task and she let her arms fall to her sides as she relaxed into his touch against her scalp.

The rest of their shower was spent in contemplative silence. Once Castle had finished rinsing and rewashing her hair, he stepped back into the spray of the other showerhead and they finished without another touch or word being shared between them.

Kate was done first and instead of waiting for him she stepped out into the tepid air of the bathroom. Ignoring the fact that her hair would be a mess in the morning, she quickly toweled off and threw on the clothes she'd taken from his drawer before ignoring the mirror and making her way into his adjoining room.

She heard the shower being turned off as she stepped out of the bathroom and with the knowledge that he would join her soon she practically fell into his bed, burrowing under the covers and finding the pillow that was obviously his to lay her wet head against as the last remnants of smoke smell finally left her range of perception.

Her face was turned towards the bathroom as she waited for him to emerge, not sure what would follow that moment, but certain that if she wasn't going to wake up alone in her own bed tomorrow, she wanted to stay awake as long as she could to relish in the feeling of being in his arms tonight.

When he did finally emerge from the bathroom, she felt her stomach clench at the casual look of low slung flannel pants and a grey t-shirt. He looked comfortable and the way his hair stuck up in several directions, still damp, gave the vision a decidedly casual appearance. It was a sort of familiarity that left her feeling as if this was something they had done dozens if not hundreds of times. It was the look in his eyes as they met hers where she was lying on his bed that had her snapping back to reality as if she had plummeted to the ground.

He was nervous, unsure of himself in his own room and he looked more than a little uncomfortable with what was going on, as if he didn't know what to do with himself. Standing in the doorway of the bathroom and watching her intently, he seemed rooted in place and unsure what to do with himself. Ignoring the feeling that there was something she should probably say to him, she simply lifted the blanket off of herself as a silent invitation for him to join her. There was a flare in his eyes as he took a slow steadying breath and then he gave her a miniscule nod before crossing the room and carefully sliding into the bed beside her.

He lay there on his back as she settled the blanket across his chest, leaving her hand in place where it had fallen with the blanket as she looked towards him. That fire was still burning in his eyes, but it was put away quickly and then his arm was wiggling beneath her shoulders to draw her into his chest in a replica of their positions earlier on the couch though now they had the advantage of a comfortable position lying instead of half turned and sitting on the smaller couch.

Still it took her a moment to settle into his embrace. She was wound so tight with the thought that she planned to cross to the other side of the law in the bright and early morning if she woke on another Tuesday. She hadn't lost anyone she knew this time, but it still left her anxious for another chance.

They had stopped Kearns from killing anyone they knew and they were aware of where they would find him if he escaped their clutches again, but the last thing she wanted was to face him down on a crowded street or in a restaurant full of families. No, if she had the chance tomorrow, she would follow through on ending him before he had a chance to do any more damage.

"What are you thinking so seriously about?" he asked quietly, his hand moving in slow patterns against her back, warm through the thin material of the t-shirt she wore. It was apparently her silence that caused the tone in his voice to change to concerned as he asked, "You came up with a plan, didn't you?"

She knew he wouldn't understand her murderous intentions, but at the same time, she wondered if it would be easier to talk to him now and get an initial indication of his potential reaction to her crossing a line she had never contemplated before. "Just a thought."

"Hmm?" he asked, his tone falling softly against her hair with the warmth of his breath that left her shivering against him.

"I'm just so damn tired, Castle." she admitted, full of despair, but long out of tears to shed.

"Just keep talking until you fall asleep, then." he encouraged patiently.

Kate sighed, "Not that kind of tired, Rick." she informed him, feeling the slight tremor that raced through him on her use of his first name in such a soft voice. "I just want this to be over so bad, but at the same time; I don't want today to be the end of it. I don't want that little girl to be dead or any of the other men, women and children that were this sick bastard's collateral damage tonight." Her anger was rising as she continued. Her fingers curled into his chest, probably causing him some level of pain, but he had no reaction to the movement of her fingers or the nails digging into his skin through the thin t-shirt. "He's on some kind of revenge mission for his wife, but he's so willing to disregard the fact that by walking into that restaurant with a bomb he was putting so many more families in the same place that he was put into."

"I know." he tried to agree with her, but she didn't want to listen to him placating her, she was too pissed to be placated.

"You don't get it, do you?" she snapped at him, using her hand to push herself back so she could look into his eyes, hoping to convey her anger and frustration because he obviously wasn't getting it through to him from her tone alone. "He needs to be stopped, needs to be put down."

"Is that your thought?" he asked, his tone was a forced casual but she could see his own frustration in the narrowing of his eyes. "What exactly are you planning here?" he asked, frustration slipping into his tone as his understanding of her intentions became clear and she knew she was projecting through the hardness of her eyes.

There had to be some of the cold uncaring feelings she was experiencing reflected in the look she was giving him. He seemed taken aback by it for a moment and then his gaze turned intense and he pushed at her. He swapped their positions so quickly that she was surprised at the move. Without even realizing it had happened, she found herself pinned beneath him with her hands trapped under his on either side of her head.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he practically sneered, from so close she could feel the heat of his breath against her lips. She wanted to look away from the intensity in his eyes, but she found she couldn't, no matter how hard she tried. She had never seen him look at her like this. A time or two before, she had seen anger in him towards a suspect or even Meredith, but never to this extent. Even when they had fought over her stubbornness and her tendency to bury herself in her mother's case, he had never had this level of vehemence in his eyes, this burning, aggressive fire. "You think turning into him is the better option?"

His words hit her like a slap to the face and she didn't want to believe that he might be right. She had actually given credence to Kearns and his apparent mission of vengeance over justice by entertaining the notion of stopping him in the same manner. She felt a wave of sickness sweep through her as it all sank in. Watching his face soften as he looked down at her, she knew he saw the moment that his words penetrated the anger and frustration she was feeling. Despondency took the place of that anger and she was left to wonder aloud, "What the hell am I supposed to do then?"

One of Castle's hands released hers as he shifted to brush his fingers across her cheek. "We'll figure it out." he told her, his sincerity sinking right through her and settling on her chest, heavier than the weight of his body pressing down into her.

She felt a warm flush light her cheeks as she became aware of just what position they had gotten themselves into and without fully thinking through her actions, she slowly rotated her hips, dragging her pelvis against his and watching as well as feeling his reaction in his eyes and between her thighs. The warmth and love shining from his eyes as his hardness pressed insistently against her through the thin cotton of their nearly matching pajama pants sent a gasp from her lips and a blast of warm heat settling where their bodies were pressed together.

"We shouldn't." Castle whispered, his voice hoarse and tight, weak in its level of determination as she watched his pupils dilate to nearly swamp the blue of his irises.

"Please, Rick?" she asked, searching for something to bring back the joy she had felt in his arms the day before and the happiness she had felt when they were on his couch earlier. Despite knowing it was likely a futile effort, something that would leave her in a more vulnerable place on waking up in her own bed the next day, she shifted her hips against his again and raised their joined hands above her head, stretching his arm out above them and bringing his upper body into full contact with hers.

"Kate," he gasped at the sensation of that full body contact, but he didn't pull away, instead he kept moving after she had stopped and his mouth dropped to hers. Gentle strokes of lips against hers and his tongue slipping out to run over her bottom one in wait for her reaction. He stilled and pulled away the moment she reacted to the kiss, a gasp falling from his lips as he looked down on her with heavy lidded eyes. "I don't want to forget this." he pleaded.

"I want to forget everything else." she responded, hoping he'd understand what she was trying to convey and watching as his gaze softened to something less primitive hunger and more of an almost painful longing.

His nod was so small she almost missed it, but the pressure of his mouth moving back to hers in the same moment his free hand pushed beneath her shirt to run slowly up the skin of her sides and settle against her ribs was all the answer she needed. She pushed back up to meet the touch of his lips, and moaned into his mouth when his thumb moved to graze the side of her breast.

Beckett felt her nipples tighten from the almost contact and then almost cried out in frustration when he shifted his chest away from hers. The sound morphed into a whimper of relief as his palm closed over the taut flesh, rubbing slowly over her nipple before settling to cup her fully as he released a groan into her mouth.

Their hearts raced in a whole new way as hands and lips explored each other. It was a whole new level of intense to feel the way he worshipped her body as if it were the first time and then her stomach twisted as she remembered that to him it was. It was the last coherent thought she had until they had been stripped of every barrier between them and he settled back between her thighs. Once they were skin on skin, they released corresponding gasps at the contact.

"Kate?" he asked, stilling above her and she knew they were about to get into the 'are you sure' and 'do we need' questions.

"Please," she pleaded, tilting her hips to angle him for entry. She felt the length of him slide across her in a way that sent tingles through her a moment before he was perched in place, ready to join their bodies with a shift of his hips and she didn't want to wait anymore. "Now." she demanded, her tone still soft and breathless, but more forceful and she was astounded at the front row seat she had to watching the play of emotions across his face.

It didn't take much encouragement on her part before she felt him shift as he pushed forward and slid into her in one strong stroke until their hips were locked together. His eyes squeezed tightly closed as he threw his head back. In any other situation she'd be certain he was in pain, but the opened mouth panting and the way his brow was scrunched she was certain he was doing more to force himself to remember this feeling, despite what might come, than to actually fight against anything.

"You're beautiful." she whispered against the skin of his chin as she rose up to bring her lips into contact with him.

He released a chuckle as his head finally righted itself to look back down at her. The lazy smile on his lips sent her heart soaring with a little bit of relief in this day of chaos. "Wow," his sarcasm was hidden behind that devilish little smile that warmed her from the inside out. "You sure know how to make a guy feel manly."

The roll of his eyes was cut off in mid motion as his lids slammed closed again when she squeezed her inner muscles around him. "Believe me," she gasped as he moved to stroke slowly just once before he paused to give her some time to regain her train of thought. "I have no doubts about your manhood."

His groan as he shifted within her again was the only response she got for several long seconds, but his silence was telling in the way his eyes stayed locked on hers and he attempted to communicate everything in the look that graced his face.

"Say it." she demanded suddenly, shifting into the give of the mattress and bringing her hips back up flushed to his.

Slight shock settled in his face and his eyes began to dance over her features as if trying to figure out whether she meant what he thought she was suggesting. "Kate?" he asked instead of responding to her plea and while he continued to prop himself above her she lifted her leg to his hip and used it to leverage him onto his back.

Settling against him, she worked their flesh together in a slow rhythm as their eyes stayed locked and she waited for him to acquiesce to her request. She wanted nothing more to lean forward and capture his lips with hers, feel his tongue slide against her own, but she forced her back to stay straight as she continued to rock against him.

The passion built in her quickly, burning between them with a sudden intensity that had her gasping his name in a steady rhythm to match her movement. "Castle," panted off her tongue so quick and quiet into the air as she raced towards release, but she needed him to be there with her. Not just physically with her, but emotionally feeling all the things that were coursing through her. Despite her inclination to just say it herself, she waited him out, slowing her strokes to a pace that threatened to keep her right on the edge, indefinitely if that's how long it took.

The fog of desire seemed to fade slightly and she realized the moment he understood what she was waiting for. It wasn't until she gasped, "Rick." in a startled yelp as he lifted his hips to meet her, that his apparent surprise finally faded out and he scrambled to get his hands beneath her so he could rise up into a sitting position to clasp her against his chest and claim her lips with his own.

His hands settled on her hips and then slid behind to guide her movements. It forced him to release her mouth, but he didn't move or fall back against the bed. Instead, they stayed locked together, her straddling his hips and slightly higher than him, looking down at his intense blue eyes as they gasped together, the hot breath of each lending to the other's sense of lightheadedness. "Say it. Please, Rick." she managed to gasp between breaths as his movements became more steady, the rocking motion increasing incrementally.

He disregarded her request again, this time with a subtle shake of his head as if he were incapable of giving her what she asked for. She watched his eyes tighten around the edges as if this moment was stealing something from him. The thought was quick, but chased away almost instantly as he ground into her in one long steady motion that had the precipice she had been balancing on falling away as she shattered above him with a shout she had to muffle against his mouth.

"Kate," he gasped as she trembled above him, waves of pleasure rolling through her and pulling him along. A strangled sound, somewhere between pleasure and pain erupted from him as he buried his face in the crook of her neck and wrapped her securely in his arms, holding her in place on his lap as his own pleasure rocked his body.

She felt every pulse of him within her, the tremble that stole his firm grip for a moment as if he were weakened by it all, the heat of his release pouring into her and the pounding of both their hearts against each other where their chests were pressed together. It didn't take him much to regain himself before she was pulled firmly against his chest again as he maintained a slow rocking motion, more indicative of comforting a child than the post coital embrace of lovers. He was still inside her physically, but it didn't feel sexual anymore. Something in him had shifted and she couldn't put her finger on it.

She registered the trembling first and while she may have been able to write it off as post sexual release or the weakening of overused muscles, she knew better. Not because she had been the one in control, the one held tense and responsible for their movement, the one straining above him and bringing a weakening to her own muscles. Her hands moved comfortingly along his back, gliding smoothly along the light sheen of sweat and registering the subtle tremble in his body a moment before he shifted up to capture her mouth in a slow kiss full of so many emotions that her stomach clenched on the passion and desperation in the way his lips moved over hers.

He broke off from her on a sound like nothing she had ever heard from him before and then his hand buried in her hair as he moved to rest his cheek against hers. He breathed in and released in an exhalation which came out with something like a high pitched whine as if there was a squeezing at his chest the same way her own was constricted.

She didn't even realize that she was crying until she registered the moisture on her cheek catching his breath and registering cold against her skin. She blinked, her eyelids catching as they fluttered against his skin, but she didn't feel any more moisture seep out. Still she pulled away, intent on wiping at the slickness that had their cheeks sliding against each other's instead of holding in a warm caress.

She was shocked to find that the tears being shed were not her own as red tinged blue eyes overflowed with a level of desperation and despair she had never seen before. She was floored, may have fallen out of his grasp if it weren't so firm across her back, but still, she resisted his pull to grab her closer so he could hide his face from her again. When it seemed to register that she wasn't going to let him turn away from her this time, she watched as he jerked his head to the side, trying to hide by avoiding looking at her and something inside her broke all over again. This was going to be weighing on her as well. She had pushed him to something so heartbreaking because all she had been thinking about was herself.

"Rick." she called out to him, her tone adopting some of the desperation that he was obviously feeling, but it wasn't enough to draw him back to her. She had practically begged him to do what he had already said he had no intention of doing. She had pleaded with him to fall into bed with her again despite his disinclination to follow through on something he thought there was a chance that he wouldn't remember.

Their conversation from just that morning came back to her and she suddenly hated herself for the selfish request at the same time she understood why he didn't want to say those three words that they had shared so unequivocally the last time they had been together in this way. It was as if that clenching in her chest was growing until she had trouble even gasping, air was thinning as realization dawned that she had been the cause of that shattered look in his eyes. She was to blame for the despair he was feeling at her selfish request, and the fact that she had known even before she asked it of him that it would be like tearing his own heart out to comply. She should have known that he would do it for her, because he had proven time and time again that he would do anything that she asked of him. He would go to the ends of the earth for her and he would sacrifice himself, physically or emotionally, to meet her needs. It was wrong.

It was all wrong. It was too much to expect of anyone and it was too much to ask for herself, but she had been too broken to see it. She had been too scared to face it all head on and had asked him for that moment as a distraction when she should have been willing to listen to him. She should have been strong enough to remember his frustration from just this morning.

The moment over, now she had more on her plate then she'd had before and she didn't know if she could take his shunning of her or his complete inability to look her in the eye. He was still joined with her in the most intimate of ways, still clinging to her almost desperately with his arms, but the way his eyes looked anywhere but at her told more to his state than she had ever seen in him before.

She was to blame for this and she knew that despite whatever he might think or feel on the subject, she wasn't worth it. She wasn't worth his pain or his sacrifice. She wasn't worth this level of hurt crashing over him. She knew, however, it was not a point she could argue because he would argue right back. Looking at him now, however, she wasn't so sure he'd stand a chance in hell of winning that argument against her as her chest constricted painfully just at the sight of his despair.

Perhaps she had finally pushed him too far; perhaps this was finally the point that irrevocable broke the man who had been so strong at her side for so long that she didn't know how she had gotten through so many years without him there.

She finally gave into his need to hide, or more appropriate to their relationship where she only thought of herself and not him, her own new inclination to do the same, and collapsed against his chest. She buried her face against his neck and clung to him, taking from him some more as she didn't appear to know how to stop taking and taking. She knew she had reached a point where it was likely she had pushed him so far that there would be no going back, there would be no more give on his part and she found herself desperately wishing she hadn't made such a request of him.

Her despair pulled his focus back to her and his soothing voice in her ear as he continued to rock her against his chest had the aching cavern within her opening up to release a desperate sob. It felt as if fire burned in her lungs for a long moment before she was able to draw a breath again and then she was scrambling to push him away from her, escape his steel like grasp.

He seemed surprised enough by the action that she was able to pull free, but before she could scramble off the bed, his hand grasped tightly, circling her wrist and yanking her back against his chest. "Don't." he pleaded and his request was as broken as she felt.

The vice-like grip of his fingers digging into her wrist was at least the type of treatment she felt she deserved after all she had done to him. "Please, let me go. I'm sorry, ok? I'm so sorry." she pleaded with him, but he simply shook his head and reached out to circle her waist with his free arm. He pulled against her as he lay back on the bed until he was fully reclined against the slightly scattered pillows and her body was flush with his.

"Shh." he whispered holding her firmly as she gave one last weak effort to escape him, "Don't be, this isn't your fault."

"Yes it is." she demanded leaning back to look into his face and reaching a hand up to caress his cheek, brushing the stray tears away and watching as more moisture gathered and silently fell from his eyes. "I may not have caused all of this to happen, but I could have handled it better. I could have handled _us_ better." she elaborated and watched as the single over enunciated word pull a slight flinch from him, a quick blinking of his eyes that dropped a fresh tear down his already damp cheek.

"Stop, please." he pleaded, the anguish clear in his features. "I don't want you to regret this, Kate. I don't want the thing that holds you back from us if tomorrow is Tuesday again to be this moment or something you thought or misinterpreted. Please, we can talk about whatever is going on in that head of yours, but just," he broke off again, drawing a long breath as if he were preparing himself for some arduous task. "Just don't shut me out, please."

"What about you, Castle?" she asked, instantly frustrated with the fact that he was so willing to sacrifice himself again for her. "Are you planning on opening up, explaining what this is about?" she swiped with her thumb again, more spreading the moisture of his tears than actually wiping them away.

"You know what this is about." he replied in a sharp tone and it hit her like a punch in the gut. His eyes suddenly softened as he took in her obviously stricken face, but he made no effort to elaborate.

"This is about me, everything is always about me and if I'm getting sick of it I can be pretty damn sure that you're close to the breaking point on putting up with all my bullshit." She knew the bitterness in her voice was probably uncalled for, but she couldn't help herself in that moment.

His laughter surprised her more than anything had in so long. Her eyes jumped from looking off towards a wall without actually seeing it, to his eyes, looking at her, still moist, but crinkled on the sides as he smiled down at her. His voice was smooth like honey as he whispered, "Oh, Katie, if you think any of this is enough to drive me away you're out of your damn fool mind."

She had to think about it for a long moment, think about what she would do if the tables were turned and he was the one that needed her. She realized in that moment, that on some level they needed each other and sometimes she had to be the one that broke the stalemate that they had fallen into. "I know, Rick." she whispered, refusing to break eye contact as she gave him the thing that he needed from her. "I know there are things about me that are infuriating, I know that I'm prone to taking from others and not likely to reciprocate, I know that there are things that you would do for me without a second thought that I would spend days agonizing over even thinking about doing in return, and I know without any doubt in my mind that this is so damn unfair to you, Castle." he had tried to interrupt but her expression stopped him, this time it took a finger to his lips to keep him from saying anything. "I don't deserve to be happy or to be here, or to have someone like you who cares so much about me and what I need or want or things I don't know that I need and think that I don't want." She pulled in a quick breath to replenish her lungs, not sure how much longer she would be able to keep him from speaking when his eyes burned so intently into her own. "I don't deserve you, Rick."

That phrased proved to be the last straw for him as his hand shot up, snatching hers away from its place of blocking his speech and rolling her beneath him in a similar position to how they had spiraled so far out of control. He was trapping her body against the mattress, her hands pushed heavily into the plush surface more forcefully than he had done previously. He was being more demanding of her to stay in place, more insistent that she not be able to wiggle her way free and she knew whatever his response was, it was likely to hurt like only the truth can.

"Don't you dare." he finally spoke and she was tempted to be the one interrupting him this time, but instead of speaking a word, she wiggled against his grasp in a halfhearted attempt to escape as he gave her a frustrated glare and squeezed his hands more firmly around her wrists, the pressure bordering on painful from his grip and his weight. "God, do you have any idea how backwards that entire rant of yours was? Do you have any idea of the things you do for me without even trying? How you've changed me? How you've _saved_ me?" He was shaking himself as if in disgust and it wasn't until he'd finished his point that she realized it was with himself and not her. "I'm the one that doesn't deserve you, Kate. I'm the one and I know there's a chance that you'll wake up tomorrow and it will be Tuesday again and you'll realize that this isn't something you want to risk when it's for real. There's a chance that I'll never even know there was this moment that could have been or should have been. I can't stand the thought of that, Kate. It's killing me."

She was shocked and amazed at the reason for his emotional break. He hadn't regretted giving her what she wanted, he regretted that she had all the power to take that away from him and not suffer any of the consequences. She had the power, if she woke up again on Tuesday, to pretend as if none of this had happened and he would never know their relationship had been anything more than it had always been. She knew she couldn't do that, wouldn't be able to if she tried, but somewhere along the line she hadn't communicated that to him and he was living in fear of not only waking with no memory of their time together, but that something he did now would end whatever this was before it fully bloomed and he would never know or have memory of their time together.

"Rick," she called him to meet her eyes, her tone soft with all the wondrous feelings he brought out in her. "No matter what happens today, no matter how many times it takes, I can promise you that come Wednesday, if we ever see Wednesday, it will be together. You and me. Nothing can change that, not before and especially not now."

"Don't say that just to placate me, Kate." he said, his tone quiet, but filled with "I know what you need from me now isn't the same as what you'll need from me if tomorrow ever comes." he was already shaking his head at her.

"How dare you?" she let the anger that statement brought force its way into her voice despite the fact that she was trying not to be the one pushing him away this time. "I can't believe you can even say that after everything we've been through."

"Well, excuse me for basing my concern on the you I know and not whoever this day as turned you into." he replied, his tone soft, but his words cutting through her just the same.

"I'm the same person that I was before this." she defended, though the more she thought on that she wondered.

"Right," this time his sarcasm wasn't veiled beneath a soothing tone as he let out a derisive laugh as he released her to flop onto his back, eyes locked on the ceiling above them and avoiding her eyes, "because the you from yesterday would crawl into my bed this morning? The you of yesterday would let me see you cry, let me hold you through it? Yesterday you would have been willing to lean so heavily on me it was like I was carrying you through parts of today?" His statements were biting, his ire rising, but she leaned into him all the same. She wanted to feel his arms around her and he didn't disappoint when her head came to rest against his chest. However, it was his parting shot that had her stopping the rebuttal she was planning for whenever he shut up. "The you from yesterday would have been willing to commit _murder_ in the name of stopping this killer?"

They hadn't moved in several minutes as she let his words wash over her. Their hands hadn't caressed or held, but they also hadn't let go. His statements were like a slap to the face, but on some level she should have expected them. She still hadn't come up with any kind of response to that besides just outright agreeing with the aggravating man, but she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Castle was the one to break the silence, "Kate, I don't want to lose you to this."

It was a statement she could finally respond to and she did it easily, "You won't."

His grip around her shoulders tightened just slightly as he released a heavy sigh. "I feel like I already am."

"Rick," she tried to cut him off from that statement, but he shushed her. She knew she should be furious with the action, but she couldn't bring herself to feel it. He had bent over backwards to give her what she needed and the least she could do was hear him out.

"It kills me to think that you will have to do this all again without me. I know I can't be as much help when I'm drawing a blank on the day as I could if I were living them each with you and I know there's no way for me to really understand what you're going through, but I can tell that you're losing sight of yourself in all this."

He seemed to be done speaking, but his words required her full thought and so she took a moment to let her mind wander over all that he had said and think back to Monday. She almost didn't remember who she had been back then after living in this limbo for so long. She almost didn't know what it was like to wake up without her stomach clenched in knots or hot tears spilling down her face. She couldn't imagine how she might go back to the strong, capable woman she had been before and it made her mad that Castle had been the one to see it while she blindly moved through the same day again and again without noticing.

"Kate, I love you." he finally gave her the words she had been asking for what felt a lifetime ago as she'd been wrapped around him in the middle of his bed. "Nothing that happened today or happens in the next hundred Tuesdays is going to change that." She groaned at the thought of having to do this a hundred more times. The thought made her a little sick. "So every morning, when you wake up, know that somewhere there's someone that loves you and if you can't remember who you are anymore or you can't recall why you're doing any of this, talk to me. I'll be happy to remind you of how incredible you are."

The thought of that knowledge, presented to her as a tool to use in that way made her stop and think about exactly what his words meant. Castle reached down to twine his fingers through her hair and guide her head back from its place resting on his shoulder so he could look into her eyes as he continued, "Don't throw away who you are just because you want this to be over more quickly. This whole precognitive notion thing would never hold up in court and I can't lose you to the prison system."

She actually managed a laugh at that as her eyes filled with tears again at the sincerity in his tone and the little smile quirking the side of his mouth. "I'd look horrible in an orange jumpsuit." she replied, attempting to lighten the mood further and saw the grateful light in his eyes. He also looked relieved and she realized that her statement had been a near promise that she wouldn't follow through on something that would be as effective at ending her life as a bullet or bomb had been.

"Well," he continued, leaning forward to drop a light kiss on the end of her nose, "If it comes to it, I know a few non-extradition countries and I have enough money to happily live out the rest of our lives on an island somewhere drinking fruity drinks with little umbrellas."

That did make her laugh, a full laugh with humor drowning the rest of her emotions, if only for a moment. It wasn't the image of life on the lamb from the law she had sworn to uphold, but the thought of life as a fugitive, Richard Castle style. "I'm sure you'd be a delight to be on the run from the law with, but I have a job to do." she finally managed and felt the real true weight of those words, her dedication, her responsibility for the first time in what felt like forever. She didn't know how many times she would have to admit to herself that the man was right, but there he went again proving that on some things he knew a lot more than she gave him credit for.

He had been right about his ability to remind her of who she really was and that was a gift she didn't know how to repay. This man, who had stood by her side, would never stop amazing her. "Thank you, Rick." she finally spoke, injecting that serious tone back in that their conversation had held before they went off on that humorous tangent.

"For what?" he seemed genuinely surprised.

"For reminding me who I am and never giving up on me." she admitted, surprised at how easy it was to actually admit that he had been right.

She was well acquainted with the small smile he turned on her in that moment, so much so that she already knew what he was going to say before the word was out of his mouth. "Always." It was the same promise it had been every other time he'd made the statement, but now she seemed to have a new capacity for viewing it as the pledge that it had apparently always stood for.

She leaned in to bring their lips together in a slow gentle motion as much an expression of how that word made her feel as an apology in action. "Rick," his name was a breath against his lips and she felt him shudder beneath her as she raised up on an elbow to look down at him and moved a hand up to run gently over the various plains and valleys of his face. "Sometimes I wish I could see the world through your eyes."

Castle chuckled softly, "It would be a lot less colorful. Did you know that women have a wider color range and can see more of the spectrum of colors than men?"

Kate leaned into him and let her smile press against his lips for a long moment before she pulled back to see that he was wearing a matching one. "That's just one more thing to love about you, Castle." she replied absently, shaking her head in humor, "You think you know everything."

"Hmm," he replied distractedly, "Go back, not sure I heard part of that right."

Beckett rethought her response and it took a couple of very long seconds before his request registered in what she had said. Dropping her head forward, she let her lips ghost across his cheek until she came to a rest along his jaw, just below his ear. "I love you." she whispered and felt the shiver of his reaction race through his body.

"Again." he replied, pushing gently against her shoulders so he could look her in the eyes when she spoke.

"I love you." she told him again, her voice breaking over the last word as the intensity of his expression drove right through her.

For the third time that night, Kate found herself pinned beneath his body in a surprise move from her partner, but she had her hands free this time as his were too busy holding her head at just the right angle for the plundering of her mouth.

When sleep finally claimed her at nearly three that morning, Kate had reached a point where she didn't care whether she woke again on Tuesday or whether tomorrow finally came. She'd be strong and serious while he cracked jokes in an attempt to get her to smile or said something profoundly sweet that left her amazed at the depth of the man. Whatever happened, she knew that they could get through it together.

x.x.x

A/N: This story is out of control. I guess that's my punishment for taking so long off from it. These chapters become monsters of epic proportions. Case in point, this one at over 8,500 when it was a continuation of the previous at 6,000+. I need to finish this story, though, so I'm not complaining about the length. I'd find a spot to put the last 20 words I need to win NaNoWriMo, but, alas, I am too tired. Tomorrow is another day, or later today since it's 1am.

Review that made my day: **KnitterJen**, your review is like a gift, so I guess we've exchanged them now and we can cross each other off the Christmas list. Hope it still made sense on the re-read.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter Twenty-Four

**Tuesday**

**5:45am**

Kate woke to the sound of her alarm clock. It was a sound that had tortured her for nearly a week of Tuesdays, but today as she woke in her own bed she felt something that hadn't entered her thoughts in almost that long. Hope.

Getting out of bed that morning was easier than it had been in so long that she barely noticed the dull ache in her feet as she moved fluidly through her room throwing on clothes and preparing for the day. It didn't take long to get out of her apartment. She thought about calling ahead, but remembering her timing from the last few days she shrugged off the thought and headed off to Castle's loft for the third morning in a row.

It was almost odd to reach the front door and not watch it open, but after a moment she realized that not having lost time to tears and frustration she had gotten a jump on the day, even more so than the previous ones. Squaring her shoulders with the confidence of her previous conversations with Castle and even Alexis ringing in her head, she raised a fist and gently rapped on the door. Kate saw the light through the peephole go dark and she gave a shy smiling wave to the girl she knew was looking through into the hallway.

The door opened quickly after that and a puzzled Alexis greeted her with a tentative smile and questions in her eyes. "Morning, Lex." Kate said, stepping into the loft as if this were a normal occurrence. To her it may have been, but she saw the confusion in the teen as Alexis tried to gauge the seemingly sudden shift in the detective.

She didn't miss the way Alexis stiffened as Kate stepped into her and graced her with a quick, casual hug. This was new for her, but Kate had gotten used to the way that everyone in the Castle house seemed to think that it was ok to invade her personal space. It felt almost empowering to her that she was the one putting one of them off with a casual touch for a change.

"Kate?" Alexis asked, and the detective almost laughed at how apparently easy it was for the girl to transition to a first name basis when they were in contact in a way that people who used last names so rarely were. "Is everything ok?"

She couldn't help but smile at the way Little Castle thought there had to be something wrong for Beckett to be in a mood that would have her smiling and willingly allowing human contact. "Actually, Alexis, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"You need a favor, don't you?" she asked, her grin returning as if she had solved a great mystery while Kate took a step away and walked into the kitchen.

"Not exactly, just a little girl talk if you don't mind?" Kate asked

Alexis nodded, still obviously confused, but seemingly at least a little more comfortable with the turn of events. "And Lanie is busy?"

Kate did laugh at that. Just like her father, she was looking for the loophole. She should have felt sad that everyone she knew just assumed that something was wrong because she was in a good mood. Perhaps she was really that unapproachable. Shaking off the negative thoughts before they had a chance to take hold and bulldoze all the good intentions she had put into place on the drive over, she turned to lean her back against the counter and regarded Alexis for a moment. "Do you have a minute?"

Alexis looked at the clock in the kitchen and then back to Beckett as if she were weighing something important. "If I call for the car service, like dad is always saying I should, I'll have an extra half hour?" she offered, though the statement was made as a question more like she was asking Kate's opinion on the idea.

Kate simply nodded in response and watched as Alexis headed upstairs for something. She set to work pulling supplies from the cupboard in order to throw together a quick breakfast for herself and whoever else was planning to eat. She needed to be busy in order to keep herself calm and it just seemed like something she could do to keep her hands occupied and her mind from wandering too far away.

By the time Alexis made her way back down the stairs sporting her backpack and wrapping up her call with the car service, Kate had whisked some eggs and was busy chopping ham she had found in the meat drawer as she contemplated how nice it was to work in a kitchen that always seemed to have everything she needed in it.

Alexis gave her an odd look on finding her at work in the kitchen as if she belonged there, but then shrugged it off as just another anomaly about her morning and dropped her backpack before moving to the fridge. The teen pulled out a green pepper and a bag of pre-shredded cheese then set to work cleaning the pepper before passing it to Kate just as she finished with the ham.

"Having breakfast with me?" Kate asked as she diced a piece of the pepper and pushed it to the opposite side of the cutting board from the meat.

Alexis shrugged, "I would gladly miss Model UN and my first three classes to figure out what kind of alternate reality I woke up in this morning." she replied with a hint of humor as Kate moved to a cupboard and took down the small frying pan that she knew made great omelets.

It was remarkably easy to talk as she set to work making the teen breakfast. Kate was aware it was likely because she didn't have to look at the girl while she bared her soul, but she didn't mind a little cowardice in the moment. "Have I ever told you what my mom said to me the first time I had my heart broken?"

Alexis' silence was enough to pull Kate's gaze away from the eggs. She looked as if she didn't know what to say in response and was looking for some kind of guidance in how to proceed. Kate just gave her a little smile and then she reached for the things they had gathered to stuff the omelet before gently folding it over and giving it a minute to let the cheese melt before sliding it onto a plate and setting the pan aside for a minute to look at the girl still watching her with questioning eyes.

"She said to me," Kate elaborated since it appeared Alexis wasn't going to be responding to her question, but then she thought better of it. "You want a little perspective here, since it might help 'set the scene'?"

Alexis smiled at that as she accepted the plate from Beckett and watched the older woman grab a fork to pass along as well. Kate took up cooking again, making her own omelet as she calmed herself enough to share one of those things that she normally kept so close. Not because it was something particularly impressive or memorable, but because it had been one of those times that made Kate feel like no matter how bad things got she would always get through it because her mom would be there for her. It was something she had just taken for granted so long that, even thinking about the times when she had been so relieved by that fact, were difficult now.

For the first time since she'd walked in the door she felt her determination waver, but she pushed it aside as she focused on the eggs and began to speak, surprised with how easy it was once she got started. "I was fourteen and there was this boy I liked. He was in my math class in school. Cute, smart, funny, you know, the whole package?" Kate looked up at Alexis briefly as she reached for peppers and ham, dropping her eyes and remembering cheese at the last minute before folding the egg and moving the pan off the stove to sit and heat through as she took a minute to lean against the counter and share a look with the girl.

"He wanted me to be his girlfriend, which back then meant a bit of hand holding and a stolen kiss if we found a second of privacy." she continued, noting that Alexis appeared to be waiting for her. She checked that her eggs were done and dished up the breakfast before moving around to join the girl on the other side of the counter.

"So we 'went out' for about two weeks and then out of the blue I see him making out with Cindy Markham in the south hall. Not just kisses like we'd shared, but full on making out with tongue and more than a little of it." Kate made a face as she thought about it, she had been disgusted, but intrigued as a young teen, but mostly she remembered that feeling of dread and hopelessness that settled over her. "I don't really remember the rest of the day or walking home after school. I can't exactly recall why I felt the need to barricade myself in my room and listen to angry chick rock at an ear splitting volume, but I have my suspicions on that."

It was the first thing she'd said all morning that got a genuine smile out of the teen and the look alone was enough to relax Kate, let her know that she was doing the right thing by continuing.

"So, anyway. Hours later, that's where my mom finds me, head buried in a pillow, crying over how unfair life is." Kate almost chokes on the words, the thoughts of a young kid who didn't know what unfair really was. A sudden bout of despair swept her at how stupid and wasteful she had been of her time with her mom. Had she known, Kate pushed the thought away, physically shaking herself to gain perspective, but pushing her plate away after only the one bite. Alexis' hand covered hers where it rested on the counter and she looked up to find eyes so accepting and open that she could tell the teen was trying to let her know that she didn't have to say anything more if it made her uncomfortable.

As if the gesture wasn't enough, Alexis finally spoke. "You don't have to," but Kate cut her off with a determined look in her eyes and a shake of the head.

"She brings in a tub of ice cream and two spoons, like she knows exactly what I'm going through without my even having to say anything and she doesn't push me. She could have and I'd have folded like a house of cards, but she didn't." Kate laughed, remembering how they had sat together in silence for so long that her ears began to tune into the sounds of kids playing outside and cars driving past. "We sat there with that tub between us and just shared it in silence for what felt like forever. I was the one to break it, I'm sure that was her intention."

"What did you say?" Alexis asked, obviously engrossed as she ignored her breakfast and watched Kate intently.

She supposed it was better than the uncertain expression that had graced the teen's face as she went into the story. "I don't remember exactly, but it was some kind of question about why love had to hurt so badly."

Alexis' eyes filled with something Kate hadn't ever seen in the girl before and it took her a minute to place the expression as one of rapt interest. It was as if she craved whatever pearl of wisdom Kate's mom had on that subject and it didn't take the detective long to realize that it was because she had probably had a very similar question at some point that she hadn't gotten a satisfactory answer on. There were just some things that a girl needed another woman on and despite the fact that Alexis obviously had Martha when she needed someone, Kate could imagine that the generational gap there was likely to cause the teen to suffer in silence over seeking out the input of the much older woman.

With a little smile at the thought that she might actually be accomplishing more than one thing here and that her momentary pain on remembering the selfish thoughts of a child would actually be something worth pushing through, Kate continued, "She told me there are two kinds of love and I was certain I knew where she was going before she even continued, because come on I was a teenager I knew everything." Alexis laughed obligingly at that, but didn't interrupt as Kate forced a long steadying breath as she prepared to step off the deep end here. "She said, "Oh, Bug," Kate felt the need to add, "that's what she called me when she was being sentimental," as a tingle of pink crept across her cheeks with a low burning sensation when she realized she had spoken from memory and hadn't meant for that tidbit of information to pop out.

She hastened to explain, "It's just something that stuck from being very young. I always assumed it had something to do with my name, Kat, Caterpillar, bug, but I found out from my dad it was more of an inside joke between them because when I was born I was a wrinkly little thing, far from attractive."

"That's not nice." Alexis empathized with her.

Kate brushed off the teen's concern with a shrug, "It wasn't mean, more of a caterpillar to butterfly thing because to hear him tell it I was gorgeous after about two days." She leaned closer as if about to share a secret and Alexis mirrored her action apparently subconsciously. "I've seen the pictures; I was not a cute baby. Until about 6 months old I was like some cross between swamp thing and Yeti."

Alexis laughed, as Kate had been hoping she might and it broke the tension of early, letting Beckett slip away from the thoughts that had been so hard to face. "So what happened?" Alexis finally asked once the silence had taken them again.

"Anyway," Kate continued. "I thought for sure she was going to tell me about the difference between being a teenager and being a grown up and how what I had felt wasn't love at all but something else. Funny, thing, though. She never would have patronized me like that, even though it was probably the truth."

Alexis smiled at that statement. "What did she say?" the girl asked, obviously taken with the entire situation as she sat beside the detective ignoring her own breakfast and waited eagerly for the continuation of a story Kate had never thought to share with anyone, let alone the teenage daughter of her partner.

"She told me there are two kinds of love," Kate repeated, hoping that continuing where she had been sidetracked would allow her to push through the thoughts threatening to force the next few minutes away before she could live them as she had intended. "She said there's something called 'minute love' and not to let the name fool me. It's something that you can feel in an instant and it sticks around as long as it can, but it never holds your whole heart because it's fleeting and conditional on situations or life experience. She said that's what I had found with the boy I'd been pseudo-dating."

Kate took a moment to breathe and regarded the teen again as she set her coffee cup down and turned to fully face the girl. "What's the other kind?" she queried, enraptured.

Kate chuckled slightly at the intensity in that question as if the answer were something that Alexis had been waiting to hear for a very long time. "The other kind, as she explained it to me, is what she called family love." she watched as Alexis deflated just a little as Kate had done in her own position all those years ago and assumed she was likely thinking some of the same thoughts that had run through young Kate's mind. If that were true, then there was no such thing as real, true, lasting love because minute love would be from anyone not your family. She had thought her mom was telling her that the only people who could love you, truly love you, would be your relatives. "That's right, but she didn't just mean lineage." she confirmed as if she had been asked a question, though there had been nothing of the sort voiced. "That's the love that you feel in your soul that you know is always there despite what people might do to each other and despite all the little things that would easily squash minute love."

Alexis seemed confused, "But family is supposed to love each other unconditionally, so that's just saying that no one else can love you. Not really."

"That's what I thought my mom was trying to tell me, too, but then she dropped her spoon into the carton of ice cream, took my hands in hers and turned to me." Kate mirrored the motion her mom had made and laid her hand over Alexis' where it was resting on the counter as she turned to more fully face the younger woman.

"She explained that family isn't just about blood and marriage, it isn't about who you live with or who raised your parents. Family is the people you surround yourself with that you would never hate even if they did something horrible. Family is the people who are in your life because they care about who you are not about what you do for them or what you bring to their lives. Family is what you make of it. My mom was an amazing woman and I have yet to find that bit of advice failing me, though I have intentionally ignored it a few times."

The light in Alexis' eyes came back a little at that and she tilted her head to the side in silent question as she let the weight of the words surround them for a long moment. Finally, the teen found her voice, "Why are you telling me this?"

"Lex," she started, watching as the girl's eyebrows crooked up at the name choice, "I wanted to thank you and this was the only thing I could think of to do that."

"Thank me?" if Kate thought Alexis had been confused before; she was in a whole new world of intense uncertainty now.

"Some things have happened recently to remind me that sometimes I don't tell the people in my life what they mean to me." she started and had to swallow past the sudden thickness in her throat to continue. "I just," she faded off, trying to put it into words and having some trouble. She wondered if she should have practiced this first, but then shrugged it off because she could do it better tomorrow. "I just wanted to make sure that I'm clear with people, now and that I don't ignore my mom's advice."

"Not very, clear." Alexis replied with a slight shake of her head and a hint of bemusement at the detective's faltering explanation. "I still don't understand what I've done for you to want to come over this morning and thank me."

Sudden understanding dawned and Kate became instantly aware that she hadn't successfully tied the reason for her visit to the memory and advice that she had shared with the teen. It felt like the words had been floating around them for so long that Kate began to get nervous about trying to explain it to her in a way that was clear and she didn't seem able to put voice to her thoughts. Truth be told it could have been as short a span as the blink of an eyes before Alexis was regarding her with a wary expression, "What are you saying, Kate?"

Beckett actually found a nervous laugh at that reaction from her partner's daughter. To Alexis this was likely coming out of left field. "I know that you and I haven't really spent a lot of time together, but from these years with your father I feel like I know you as well as if all those experiences he had with you had been mine as well. Sometimes I'd help him try to do the right thing with you when he was in a bind or just him being with me at work when he didn't want to disappoint you by letting your fears and worries reflect in him so he bottled it up to bring in and talk over with me, from watching you grow these past few years. I know it probably seems a little weird, all of this and on this random Tuesday morning I decide to just drop this on you, but the truth is I don't have an easy answer."

Kate gave a subtle shrug and tried to find another way to phrase it. "I've been thinking about you a lot lately and today just proved to be the day when I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I just wanted you to know that I recognize our differences and the distance there's always been between us. I know the view you must have on my work and it probably feels like I'm taking your dad away from you sometimes. I hate myself for needing him with me so much. Every time there's a chance he might be in danger, I lose a little bit of myself, because I think about how it would tear you apart to lose the only person who has always been there for you. I know what losing a parent can do to a person and still I let him take those risks because I'm selfish. I need him, but God it kills me sometimes to think about all the times you could have lost him when you've needed him so much more than I do." Kate took a breath, finally raising eyes to meet the clouded gaze of the young woman who had flipped her hand to grip tightly against Kate's as she spoke.

"So I wanted to thank you." she continued, taking a slow breath before finally finishing her thought, a thought that had taken far too long to arrive at. "For being my family, the one I choose." Kate managed, wondering if she was pushing too far or if Alexis would understand what she was even saying. It had taken a lot to get the words out, but now that they were, Kate was self-conscious about them just sitting out there without any more context as the silence stretched. She managed to tentatively smile at the younger woman and spoke through the silence, "I realized today, yesterday, not sure exactly on the timing, that gets a little fuzzy, that life is short and I was tired of hiding behind what was easy and comfortable. I was tired of hiding the things that I should have been saying to people who I care about."

"Oh, God." The girl looked slightly panicked. "Are you sick or something?" Alexis asked, a sudden fear sweeping the girl as she stood abruptly from her seat and turned to look in the direction of her dad's room as if she thought he should be present for whatever information Kate was about to drop on her.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm just tired, Alexis." Kate smiled a shy smile as she thought about how this could have gone better, probably would have if she hadn't rambled for the last ten minutes without making much sense at all. "Sorry." she finally continued, "I didn't mean to hold you up." Kate stood and took a tentative step back from the counter, not sure what to do with herself now that she had thrown everything out there. It was weird to be out so far on a ledge and be left standing in the breeze as someone else held the power to make or break a situation. It wasn't a state she found herself in very often.

"Det-" she started and Kate narrowly managed to prevent a flinch before Alexis caught herself and started again, "Kate, I don't know where any of this came from, but I think you're aware that Dad talks about you probably as much or more than he tells you about me. I feel like I know you a little, too and I'm kind of surprised by this." Alexis took a breath and released it slowly as she seemed to think things over before continuing in a soft, almost hesitant, tone. "Look, I'm not going to be able to think of anything to say right now since my mind is spinning and I kind of feel like I'm freefalling. Can you give me a little while to figure out a good way to respond to all of that and we can talk later?"

Kate knew what she was feeling was disappointment, but she masked it well with practiced ease as she turned a lighter than she felt smile on the girl. "It's a good idea. Let you sort through that bit of word vomit and figure out, um, things. I can do that."

Alexis grinned at her then, her relief in being given some time to process everything that had been thrown at her was palpable as her shoulders relaxed and the tension fell away from her young body. "One more question, then I'll have everything I need to think about all of this." Alexis started, but all Kate could do was nod. "Are you planning on telling dad that story?"

Kate knew the question had more to do with the story than with the intention behind it, but she also already knew the answer. "No, Alexis. That's not really something I was planning to share with him, hell, I hadn't planned to share it with you."

She watched as Alexis straightened her spine and nodded once, curt and perfunctory before turning to leave.

"I didn't say I wasn't going to tell him that I love him, too." she added quickly, surprised at how easy it had been to admit to the girl, but no longer surprised by the fact that Alexis was destined to be shocked by her statements on this Tuesday morning. "I thought that memory, though, might just be something we could keep between us."

Alexis smiled at her last statement and stepped forward, pulling Kate into a quick hug before turning away again and heading for the door. Kate watched her arm rise up as if she were wiping a tear away before the teen half glanced over her shoulder. "I have to get to school."

"Dinner tonight?" Kate asked which had Alexis turning back from the door, eyes shining, but any potential tears staying put as she passed the older woman a tentative smile and gave a nod in agreement.

Once the front door closed softly behind the teen, Kate turned back to the kitchen wondering if the eggs would be alright reheated. They hadn't really touched their plates and it was kind of wasteful. She had just decided to venture in to see if Rick wanted to finish Alexis' nearly untouched omelet when a pair of arms came around her from behind and pulled her into a firm embrace.

She tensed initially, though she immediately registered that it was Rick who had her wrapped in his arms. She took a moment to relish how they felt, banded around her waist with his hands firm against her stomach as he held her back tight against his chest. She took that moment of calm to wonder if he had happened in on some part of her conversation with Alexis and was trying to lend her comfort when she was obviously rattled.

It still confused her, because this wasn't the type of comfort that she and Castle offered each other. However, despite that knowledge, she let herself relax against him and felt a little of the peace she had the night before, a little of the calm, and for a moment she almost convinced herself that she wasn't in this alone. In fact, he had already told her that the previous day and perhaps it was that knowledge combined with his warm embrace that really brought home the fact that she had someone in on this with her.

Ignoring her own inclination to pull away and not take advantage of this situation, of him, she let her head fall backwards and rest against his shoulder. She felt the delicate flutter in her stomach as his slightly stubbly cheek brushed against her temple. The contact was brief before he was pulling away from her. At first she was confused as to why he had stopped the subtle contact, but then his head dipped lower and his lips landed hot and soft against the curve of her neck.

She felt a slight shudder at the contact, being the first time he had been the one to initiate contact on this day and in such an intimate way. It left her confused. However, it was nothing compared to the confusion that swamped her in the next moment when he spoke, his voice soft against her neck as his warm breath floated across her skin. "Is it everything you hoped it would be?"

She didn't follow his meaning, couldn't understand what he might be talking about. She hadn't ever expressed to him an inclination to improve her relationship with his daughter, so it can't have been anything more than this morning. If he had witnessed their moment then he must be inferring some of her inner turmoil as well as the slight sense of relief she felt in having laid the groundwork for knowing how to handle this morning the next time she had to do it. "What?" she finally managed to ask, though her breath came out whisper soft as his lips moved gently against her skin, rising up along her neck to the curve to her jaw.

He stopped there, his lips stilled against her, as he let the pressure off enough to respond. So close to her ear, his whisper was easy to discern. For a moment, she didn't register what he had said from his breath washing over her skin and his lips moving so close they brushed against the underside of her jaw twice in the span of the single word.

"Wednesday?" he'd asked.

When it finally registered, she felt a warring of hope and desperate fear. On one hand, his question nearly dropped her to her knees in the relief of not having to live this way alone anymore, but at the same time another feeling gripped her, tightening in her stomach and making her pull away enough to turn and face him. It was the knowledge that somehow, she had pulled him into Hell with her. While she knew it should be something that brought her comfort and relief, she couldn't help but imagine all the torture he would face if he had to see things as she had for the past week of Tuesdays.

Her stomach rolled as her eyes finally locked with his and there was everything she had feared would be reflected in his eyes. He knew, he remembered, somehow he had been sucked right into Hell with her and she couldn't fight the words that came from her in that moment, "It's Tuesday."

His shock, more than anything she had seen in him before, confirmed that her new worst fear was an actuality. She didn't know how she was supposed to handle this when it had so crushed her already. Despite having lived it herself for days, she couldn't help but think that there was no way to help someone through something as disconcerting as this was. His eyes betrayed the fact that she was clearly communicating her fear to him. She wanted to stop, but the pounding of her blood in her veins and thoughts spiraling out of control, had her rooted in place, unsure how to proceed from here.

She had gotten what she wanted, something new in this day of repetition, but now she realized that she didn't want it. She wouldn't have willingly subjected anyone to the level of anguish she had suffered through and she wasn't sure if there was anything she could even do to make it easier for him.

x.x.x

A/N: There were some questions about them having technically seen the following day because they were still awake at 3am, but if you've lived in my world then you know that I don't adhere to the normal inclination on how a day is determined. To me, a day ends when you fall asleep or when the sun rises if you don't sleep at all. I find it plausible that Kate could force herself to stay awake for two or three days if she needed to, longer possibly, but the moment she fell asleep she would wake again on Tuesday. The act of her sleeping after the midnight hour is the part that rewinds her life to Tuesday morning. I hope that helped with the confusion. Someone guessed it must be Wednesday now because of her reaching acceptance, but there's a little story left, so no such luck there. You didn't think I'd leave all those people dead did you? You know I don't like hurting kids, even fictional ones if I can help it.

Review that made my day: **TheInvisibleQuestion**, Welcome aboard, you missed what will likely be the largest break in updates for this story and are coming in at the end, but I couldn't help but smile at the picture you painted for me. That was seriously thrilling, to the point that instead of waiting until tonight I hopped on my laptop this morning to finish so that everyone can have more story. Thank you for that, I'm sure others would thank you as well.

Also, **MeLLie77**, I didn't even go there until you did, so thanks for the giggle.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter Twenty-Five

Kate shook her head at him, her mind racing with the implication of his words and she knew it was more an unwillingness to believe he was stuck in Hell with her than her attempting to provide a negative response. She had to fight hard to tramp down the fear that came with any sign of hope on this day.

She didn't want to be so skeptical of any sign of light on this day, but she couldn't help it after the hell she had been through to get to this point. She couldn't accept so easily that the act of telling Castle had been enough to pull him in with her. It had to be something else. He had to have had a dream the night before that was playing hell on his mind because of her presence in his apartment so early this morning.

"You're starting to scare me, Kate." he spoke again, some determination filling his eyes as he took a step back towards her. "Tell me it's Wednesday." he told her, his eyes boring into her with intensity.

"It's not." she replied, her eyes wide with wonder as it seemed to be what she thought from the moment his arms wound around her and his breath washed over her neck. "It's Tuesday." she finally said, watching him for a reaction and filled with sudden hope for the surprise in his eyes.

"Are you sure?" he asked looking as if he suddenly didn't know what to do with himself. "So, yesterday was...?" he asked in a leading manner waiting for her to respond with something, but she wasn't sure what he was looking for.

It took her a minute to figure out that he wasn't asking for the chronology of days in a week. "Tuesday." she replied as if it were an obvious answer, though anyone else would have said Monday. The relief in his eyes was palpable and then she found herself crushed against his chest as he pulled her tightly against him.

"You have no idea how frightening that was!" he exclaimed, his tone a little too loud for their close proximity. "I thought we'd switched and 'm pretty damn sure you'd never believe me."

Kate had to laugh at that, though perhaps it was the swell of relief that filled her on what he said actually sinking into her mind. "Castle, what?" she couldn't find any other words beyond that and even if she had been able to she was concerned that she couldn't take a full breath from the force of his arms banded around her.

"I thought we must have made it to Wednesday."

Kate shook her head against his neck, "I woke up at home."

"And came here?" he asked, pulling back to look at her curiously.

"I needed my partner on this." she replied with a shrug, "Someone to keep me from doing something stupid."

Castle returned the tentative smile and leaned into her as if testing the water. He let his lips brush across hers momentarily. "We should go if we're going to try and get the drop on him." he said and Kate let her gaze sweep him briefly before she raised an eyebrow at him. Castle looked down with a small chuckle. "After I change." he amended, leaning forward for one more kiss before he turned as if to head off to his room.

"How?" she finally managed to ask when her mind started communicating with her vocal chords again. The question had him turning back towards her and returning in two short steps to stand with her again.

"How is any of this possibly?" he seemed to be asking for clarity and she gave a little nod of confirmation which he following with a shrug before a smile lit his face. He stared off for a moment as if contemplating an actual answer to her question.

The gleeful smile on Castle's face was disturbing as he seemed to finally understand that she was standing there, not because it was Wednesday, but because she had come over on another Tuesday morning. The knowledge that it was Tuesday, but this one he was being given the knowledge to see back as well seemed to impact him in an entirely positive way at the same time that it set her stomach in knots and her hands into tight fists at her sides.

When his gaze came back from thinking to look at her, he must have registered these negative thoughts because Castle took a small step back, holding his hand up as if to ward off something unpleasant. "Kate?" he asked, fear bleeding into the tone of his voice, "Are you messing with me?" he asked, taking another tentative step back, his brow furrowed in confusion, his eyes searching her face for a reaction. "This is a good thing." he tried to assure her, but the statement was weak and uncertain, more a question than a confirmation.

"Did you hear a word I said yesterday?" she finally managed to ask in disbelief. "There's nothing good about seeing so much violence. There's nothing, Castle."

"Hey," he remarked, his tone reassuring, "It's not the same now. You have me and we can do this, Kate. We can do this together." he gave her a reassuring smile, one that looked less ghastly than the grin she had wanted to knock off his face mere moments before. "We can do anything together."

Kate scoffed and managed the presence of mind to accomplish an eye roll. "For someone who makes a living coming up with new and interesting ways to turn a phrase, let me just say that was awful."

He ignored her glib response and started speaking as if she hadn't teased him at all. "Maybe this is the key." he remarked, the wheels obviously spinning in his head. "Maybe you're supposed to tell people and pull them into the bubble with you and once there are too many involved, the bubble will burst and we'll see Wednesday?"

She was shaking her head before he could even finish speaking. "What if that's not it and we just make people suffer with us for all of eternity in this day?"

Castle shrugged, "Would that be so bad?" he asked, his eyebrow quirked up in that way that made her think about exactly how expressive he often was with his features.

"Of course it would." she replied instantly, her fighting spirit back in full force and her anger driving her to squeeze her fists tighter, digging her nails into the palm of each hand.

'Think about it, really." he implored, his eyes flicking down to her hands as if he knew the damage she was causing, but was giving her the time to rein it in herself before he acted. "We'll never get old and we can do whatever we want without having to worry about tomorrow, because there isn't one." with another small teasing grin he added, "Plus, I can stop worrying about how empty the loft is going to feel when Alexis moves out.

She actually let her mind play with that thought for a moment before she felt the intensity of her glare ratchet up a notch and she was concerned at one point it might burn right through him. "Dammit, Castle!" she snapped, cutting him off just as he seemed about to continue, "Can you please act like a grown up here and help me fix this. There are things I would like to do with my life that take more than a day to accomplish."

"That's what you're not seeing." he replied, his eyes still twinkling, but the smile gone as if he finally realized the expression on his face was unnerving her. "It's not one day, it's a succession of the same day and anything that would take more than one day, we just remember where we left off and keep going."

"My mom's case?" Kate asked, more making the clarification of his statement than actually asking a question.

"Exactly," Rick replied, jumping on the train of thought easily enough. "How much further can we get when we don't have to worry that we'll piss off the wrong people and end up on the business end of a professional hit the way everyone seems to end up."

She stared at him for a long time, completely uncomprehending his logic, "How can you even think this is a good thing?"

His response was a shrug, but that stupid smile was still in place. "How can you not?" he asked and she remembered the most grating effect that youthful exuberance provided. "We've been given something that no one gets. Think about it."

"I have thought about it, but you're seeing this as some weird eternity, but it's not an eternity I want to live in."

"Maybe that's the point of the day, though?" he pointed out and she had to admit, she didn't have much to dispute that outright so she simply cocked an eyebrow to ask for elaboration. "Maybe you're supposed to seize the day, make the most of it, do all the things you've thought about doing but kept putting off for someday. Maybe this is someday."

"No." she replied, "No." she couldn't help but repeat herself in order to make sure he understood. "If that was true then this would have been over two days ago."

"Really?" he inquired, his own eyebrow crooking up to apparently mock her expression, "You've done everything you ever wanted to do?"

She scoffed, "Of course not, but you're not listening. I can't do everything in a day."

"Bull." he countered, feeding her the same exasperated tone she was giving him. "Tell me there's something on your bucket list we can't accomplish in a day."

"I want to see the world. Italy, France, Australia, go base jumping in the Grand Canyon, climb Mt. Everest. I plan to meet the little girl I sponsor in the Ukraine, ski the alps." she challenged him.

Castle smirked at her, "A private jet and a few hours we can see the world in a day. We might have to fly somewhere twice, but there's nowhere we can't get and we don't have to fly home."

She had to shake her head at him. The fact that he had an answer for everything made her even more frustrated with this line of thinking. It had her searching for things she'd never accomplish. "I want to throw out a pitch at Yankee Stadium and go to Disney World, finish raising a million dollars for the Boys and Girls Club, have my dad walk me down the aisle and buy a little house with a white picket fence. Wake up in it every day until we're old and grey and then eventually die there in my sleep at a very old age."

She spotted the twinkle in his eye at the same time his jaw dropped. "We can do all but the growing old part." he replied and then seemed to regain himself enough to get back to the casual flippancy of a moment before, "Getting old is overrated, anyway. Trust me."

Kate wasn't sure if she wanted to laugh or cry when she replayed her statement and realized that somewhere in there she had used the word "we" as if it were inevitable that he would be the man with her through all those things. Though, thinking about it, she couldn't ever actually see herself in a little house with a white picket fence. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that her thoughts centered more around the apartment they had been standing in the whole time.

The more she let herself think about that, the less growing old with Castle, seemed like a plausible idea. Waking up every day with a view overlooking the best parts of the city, the most beautiful and majestic instead of the dirty alley and rundown building across from her apartment's window. It was that direct line of thinking that gave her the ace in the hole she needed to end this conversation. Her voice was quiet, because, despite all the conversations they had shared to that point, she felt uncomfortable with this one. It was a thought so private she hadn't voiced it with anyone in a very long time.

"What about when I want to have kids?"

That seemed to sober him immediately and the tentative smile that had been bolstered by her practically proposing to him and mapping out their lives as an old married couple fell away while concern scrunched the skin between his eyebrows. It seemed a very heavy silence fell upon them as her heart raced and her tentative words stood between them. After what felt a near eternity, Castle cleared his throat and met her eyes, his expression as uncertain and tentative as her was sure to be. "Do you even want to have kids?" he inquired finally.

"I just assumed I would." she remarked, hedging the topic a bit and giving him a little shrug. "You don't want any more kids?" she interpreted, from his stone silence and the inscrutable look on his face that was proving far from decipherable.

His eyes widened in surprise and he opened his mouth only to close it again when words didn't come to him. He repeated that a few times and then took a halting step back from her. She hadn't expected such a strong reaction from him in the negative. He had always been so good with Alexis that it hadn't occurred to her that he might think he's too old or that he was done raising his kids and then he wouldn't want any more. She had always assumed she would have one or two of her own kids someday, but was beginning to wonder if that thought was out considering the man she had fallen in love with didn't want to have any more.

She was surprised when he turned from her completely and almost called after him as he walked away from her again. This time, it felt as if he had gouged her through the stomach with a large knife and was twisting it as the torment rolled through her.

When he stopped and turned back a few paces away from her, she spotted the determination in his eyes before he even said a thing. "I'll just get dressed and we can head over to cut Kearns off at home."

Kate moved to the middle of the loft and dropped heavily onto the sofa as her eyes watched Castle's door close behind him. The spark of fire in his gaze, the way he abruptly changed his mind and shot off to get ready to play this one her way, might have been enough in days past for her to make the assumption that he was just trying to change the subject to buy himself some time to think of a way to let her down easy. Instead, having become so keyed into the moods and attitudes that he displayed in settings that were different than their norm, she knew immediately what his actions were.

She felt an unnatural sense of nervousness and an intriguing tingle through her body as she contemplated how they would accomplish that particular goal on the list. It lit a fire in her that burned up through her cheeks, dusting them with a subtle pink as she realized that his action wasn't a brush off, it was an agreement.

She had basically proposed to him and offered to carry his children, but instead of running and screaming from the room, he left with an intense fire filling his eyes and his spirit that she hadn't seen in him before. He wanted to catch Kearns and end this day so they could all move on. So they could move on together instead of apart.

She was so lost in her own world that she missed him coming out of the room and didn't realize he was ready to go until he stepped in front of her and blocked her entire line of sight.

"Ready?" she asked, because she couldn't think of anything else to say, though he was the one actually standing with his jacket in hand. He reached a hand out to her and she tentatively took it, letting him pull her to her feet.

They made good time in getting out of the building and on the road which left Kate gratefully for the small favor of having someone else living in her bubble with her for the first time in nearly a week. Not having to explain herself to him allowed them to spend the time in the car theorizing on the case and she was actually excited for the first time as she walked into that familiar brick building.

She should have known better than to get her hopes up. A few moments after her knock signaled their presence, the sound of glass shattering in the apartment gave away that Kearns was on the move and let her know that they were right back where they'd started.

"He's hitting the fire escape." she told Rick, gesturing back the way they had come even as she readied herself to burst into the apartment. "Take the stairs and cut him off at the bottom."

With one firm kick she was through the door as Castle took off at a run for the stairwell. Gun in hand, Beckett made quick work of reaching the room where Kearns had busted out the glass. Sweeping her weapon out first, she judged the safety in stepping out. Kearns had made it down a flight and a half of the emergency steps and she quickly followed after him.

Heart racing, Kate started to close the distance between them. She had a brief moment to realize that she had done it wrong again, before her eyes locked with her suspect's wild gaze for the shortest of moments before a wall of heat and pain engulfed her, followed shortly by nothingness.

**Tuesday**

**6:22 am**

After an abridged version of the previous day's conversation with Alexis, one that left Kate in a far lighter mood than the day before and seemed to leave Alexis more comfortable as well as less confused, Kate couldn't suppress her smile as she ventured into Castle's room.

He was still out and while she knew his alarm would wake him in a few short minutes, she decided not to wait and crawled into the bed beside him. Her good mood instantly vanished when Castle's eyes snapped open and he stared at her in disbelief for a long time before his arms reached toward her, grasping in a clumsy sleep slowed embrace and crushing her against his chest. He trembled in her arms as she returned his gesture and refused to let her pull away even enough to look into his eyes to try deciphering what was wrong.

His painful sounding gasps and the high whiny sound of his every breath were enough to have her concerned even before she registered the moisture building against her neck and shoulder where Castle had hidden his face. "Kate, that was. . ." his voice trailed off as he seemed unable to find the words.

Having lived it all before, it took her a moment to follow his thought process and determine that he was suffering through some of the intense feelings that had bombarded her on her first days through whatever this was.

Despite how she had intended for them to move as soon as Castle was awake to attempt the take-down again, she guided his face up to meet her gaze, "I'm right here." she assured him. "We failed again, but that just means we get another chance."

He shook his head, seeming ill-content with that reasoning. "What if next time there isn't another chance?" he asked after swallowing thickly several times as if he were unable to get his voice out.

"This time there was, let's just do it right next time and we'll be fine." she tried to soothe, but not knowing what might trigger the days to snap back to cycling as they were supposed to, she didn't know how to reassure him.

The responding expression that took him was enough to let her know that he understood her false promise for what it was and he wasn't happy about it at all. In a moment the expression was gone, followed shortly by his lips crushing against hers in a kiss full of desperation and anxiety that tasted of salty tears and fear.

She broke the kiss only long enough for him to pull her shirt from her and then she let him help her lose all track of time. There was nothing of the tender and gentle moments from days past. He was forceful, bordering on frantic as his weight pressed her into the mattress and his mouth plundered hers while his hands made quick work of what few garments stood in their way.

"God, Kate," he gasped as he pulled his mouth free from hers to breathe in several unsteady breaths as their bodies settled together, skin on skin. His weight on her chest was almost crushing, but the tremble in his voice and the unsteady shaking in his hands kept her from asking for any kind of relief from the force of him pushing down on her. When he propped himself up on an elbow against the mattress to look down on her, his expression was pained, as if the crushing weight had been on his own chest. "I don't ever want to do that again."

She understood. This was something she knew all too well and that devastation in his eyes was the reason that she hadn't wanted him to have to experience this day over and over again. His lips on her cut off her next series of coherent thoughts as he shifted enough to join his body to hers.

She wasn't sure who released the broken sob on the feeling of the moment of their joining, but she didn't care as they began to move together. It was a different kind of feeling as they shared in the desperation brought about by a day that was capable of cutting them so deep it was as if they were losing pieces of their soul to each day.

His movements were less confident than they had ever been, more moving on instinct than with purpose and his pace was just shy of punishing, his thrusts almost as sloppy and inconsistent as his ragged breathing. Kate forced herself to hang on, ride it out in silence, afraid she would say the wrong thing and only succeed in making it worse. She knew what this moment felt like and she was also too aware of how much it meant to be reassured in a physical way that the person you thought might be gone for good was still there to be in your arms.

He seemed to be trying to burn himself out, force his way past the emotional block that had been put in place when she'd died the day before. It was only a handful of strokes where their hips collided at a slightly awkward angle before he shifted to curl his hand beneath her knew. He pulled on her leg, guiding it up along his thigh until it was resting high on his hip.

He settled into the new angle and shifted before she felt the tension in his muscles ease as his lips caught hers and his pace slowed to a gentle rocking motion as if he were trying to savor the moment now instead of rushing through it. The change in position had her crying out against his lips and then it all fell away. She quickly found herself lost to sensation. Lost to the steady motion as if they were on a boat docked in the harbor. Lost in the gentle sweep of his hand along her thigh, as it came up to settle on her hip. Lost and desolate from the taste of salt as their tears mingled on their cheeks and infiltrated their kisses with a bitter reminder of why they were here in this moment together.

His pace picked up again moving from a slow rolling boil to a steady, vibrant pulse that left her gasping her way out of his kiss.

When they finally crashed back into reality, they were both more than a little breathless

By the time they managed to roll around to Kearns' apartment again, she was worried he would slip out the fire escape again. They had agreed that it would be best to try and nail down what probable cause they would use as a cover later so they could enter without announcing themselves.

After the previous night it didn't take much to convince Castle that it was a good idea to breach the perimeter of the man's apartment without warning. Foregoing the knocking for the first time, Castle stood impatiently beside her as she quietly picked the lock. Once they had secured entry, Kate and Rick shared a look before they ventured inside, carefully making their way through the now familiar apartment.

They did manage to surprise Kearns in his bed, but their entry was given away several steps from his door when a loud creaking in the floor signified their arrival. He had just leveled his gun on the door when they made it through.

"Put it down, Kearns." she insisted as her gaze swept the man and she noted that he was not wearing the vest of explosives as he had been every other time they had confronted him. Her confidence bolstered, she squared his shoulders as the suspect blinked the sleep from his eyes and watched her with the confusion of waking in a situation he hadn't been expecting.

"How is it," he began, his voice husky with lack of use and hair ruffled in a way that would normally be far from menacing, but his finger on the trigger of his weapon as he stared them down broke the image, "you can find me, but you can't find a few low-level thugs running rampant on our city streets?"

"You want to talk about the safety of the city as a whole, then you're going to need to put your weapon down." she replied evenly.

"I don't want to talk." he snapped, his voice rising menacingly. "I'm sick of fucking talking." His agitated state was translating into her being and Kate couldn't help but wonder how things would spin if the man in front of her managed to take her out right in front of Castle. Would it be worse than finding her burnt and battered body as he had the night before? Would he be as crushed as she had been on experiencing that herself?

She didn't give herself time to think on it. She saw the subtle shift in Kearns as he readied to fire and she let her finger pull against the trigger. She probably should have gone for a shoulder or non-lethal shot, but in that moment she had been too focused on what it would mean to Castle to live through what she had lived through herself and so she fired without really thinking about the impact of dropping the man right there on his sheets, dead from a shot to the head.

She didn't know if she could breathe through the sudden sweep of relief in watching the man for several seconds as he lay dead on the blood and brain-matter splattered sheets. It wasn't until she turned to meet Castle's gaze that she realized this may have been just as bad as letting him watch her die.

He had a look about him that spoke of his shock in the fact that she had done that. He was probably expecting a non-lethal shot as much as she had been. She couldn't help but feel the weight of her actions in the accusation in his eyes. It fell away quickly as he seemed to register something as he looked at her and a moment later she found herself wrapped in his arms.

Hours later, she still didn't know if she had taken the shot out of a desire to just be finished with all of this. Curled into herself in the corner of her couch, she stared into nothing. The knock on her door startled her out of her thoughts and she was both surprised and completely not, to see Castle standing there when she opened the door.

He practically fell into an embrace as he folded his arms around her and led her back to where she had been sitting on the couch. She let him settle her in his lap and it was a long time before either of them had anything to say. She wasn't surprised that he was the one to finally break the silence of the moment. "I know you didn't do that on purpose." he told her, though his whisper soft tone was almost lost even in the utter silence that surrounded them. "I know it, Kate."

She couldn't help the shudder at his total faith in her while she considered that she didn't have the same belief in her motivations.

"Shh," he started when she tried to speak up, though she was glad for the interruption since she didn't know what she would have said to him. "You need to accept that I know and not worry about your own doubts."

She shook her head and tried to push away from him, but he wouldn't let her go. "You can't." she protested weakly.

His chuckled was soft and felt almost out of place in the moment, but she loved the sound of it so much that she almost didn't care that it didn't fit with their conversation. "I saw your face right after it happened, Kate. I saw your surprise." he explained, pushing some hair behind her ears as he cupped her cheeks in his palms and looked into her eyes. "I should have realized it sooner, but all I could think was that I did that to you."

"You didn't." she found herself protesting immediately.

Castle shook his head to silence her, "My reaction this morning, having that meltdown." he shook his head as if exasperated with himself. "It distracted you." he explained, "You probably weren't even fully in the room with Kearns in that moment, were you?" He gave her a moment to respond, but she didn't know what to say. "Tell me that the only thought in your mind this morning was what shot you were going to take. Tell me that I wasn't in your head wreaking havoc on your sense of logic and reasoning?"

When his words finally sank in and she gave herself a moment to think over what he was saying, the sense of relief was enough to knock the breath out of her. She had not wanted to turn into Kearns and having the logic behind her actions clearly pointed out was enough to remind her that she wasn't a sociopath. She hadn't gone there with the intent to kill him. It had been self-defense and if he hadn't been holding a gun on her, if he hadn't started to pull back the trigger, he would still be alive. If this was the end of the days, despite the fact that the Internal Affairs investigation was going to be a holy terror to get through on such shaky ground, she would be able to face whatever tomorrow brought her.

Tuesday

Boom! The apartment blows, injuring and killing several officers, and leaving Castle and Beckett to watch the fallout as they mourn the loss of not only some SWAT officers they had worked with over the years, but Ryan and Esposito.

Tuesday

Bang! A bullet ends Castle. This time, when he dies in her arms, she is there to comfort him and tell him she loves him and she'll see him tomorrow.

Tuesday

After making a bad joke about how he had never died before, so it was a good experience to have as he goes forward in writing murder mysteries, Castle and Beckett both perish in the suspect's apartment.

Tuesday

They capture Kearns; he is no worse for wear and stalwart in the interrogation room. He doesn't give them anything on the murders and refuses to confess despite the evidence mounting against him.

They feel pure, unfettered joy and relief on this day, as if they had finally succeeded and they fall asleep physically exhausted in Castle's bed.

Tuesday

After waking up alone and deciding she's had enough, they play hooky from the case and from work, talk Alexis into skipping the afternoon of school and take in a double feature at the movies. While they are catching a late dinner afterwards, they hear the news of the Italian restaurant being blown to pieces. The casualties are as numerous as they both remembered.

Tuesday

Boom!

Tuesday

Bang!

Tuesday

Boom!

Tuesday

Boom!

Tuesday

Every day, they get closer to each other as they feel themselves drifting further from the thing that will tie this up and let them go on with their lives.

Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday.

They were more than ready to move things to a new day for them as well as for everyone around them, but every day someone died or they caught Kearns and every day it started over again.

As a last ditch effort, they had taken to scouring the nightly news and looking for more than the Kearns situation to fix.

A small girl was hit by a car in the mid-morning traffic outside her school; they were there to stop it. They woke up on Tuesday.

A father of three was in an accident that left him paralyzed from the waist down. They were there to distract the man from getting in his car just long enough to keep him from meeting that semi-truck. They woke up on Tuesday.

An apartment building burnt to the ground, trapping an elderly woman for long enough that the smoke inhalation left her in critical condition. They were able to get her out in time. They woke up on Tuesday.

Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday.

They became exhausted and worn down. The futility of it tugged at them. They had their first big fight complete with make-up sex against the door in Kate's apartment because that was as far as they made it before they lost themselves in each other.

While the days ate away at their spirits concerning the crime and criminal element Castle continued to talk Beckett into taking the occasional day off. On those days, they just let the chips fall where they might with Kearns and, tried to scratch something at least semi-local off Kate's bucket list. Castle wanted more days like that, but Beckett pushed them to keep going, keep searching for the answers.

Together they kept plugging along, trying to find some semblance of uncertainty in a day that seemed filled with the monotony of life without surprises.

Mild depression gave way to a new determination which eventually failed in a pile of desperate grief and frustration.

And while the nights kept piling up with memories she wouldn't want to lose, the mornings were spent mourning the fact that she would never wake up with him if they didn't make it out of this day.

Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday. Tuesday.

x.x.x

A/N: If you follow my Twitter, you know why this was late. I apologize for being so distracted with my new phone. I also made cheesecake for the holidays, testing a new flavor for next weekend. We're ready to go, and hopefully there is enough downtime while they are all cooking, for me to write whiling I'm baking the 60+ cheesecakes I need to make next weekend.

I'm taking a break from this (notice I didn't leave you all on a cliff?) because I have to write the long delayed epilogue to Retaliation and a few other things. I should be back before Christmas, but if not I hope you have a great one. I have 3 days off then another 2 for my birthday followed by three for New Years. Hopefully, with all the family stuff out of the way, I can get a lot done in that down time. I'm sure you guys can guess that we're wrapping things up on this one and getting down to the end.

Review that made my day: **New Readers**, I'm thrilled by all the reviews, but I find it fun to recognize who just joined us in our journey since I feel the most awful for them. We've all suffered the delays and weathered the progression, but think about having read everything up to chapter 22 or 24 and then find no end. That's tough. Then you have to wait with everyone else. That's so hard when you're so used to just clicking next and seeing what happens.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter Twenty-Six

**Tuesday**

**5:45 am**

There was something about walking into the arms of a surprised Alexis that made her day every time she did it. No matter how many times the day had played out, this little moment was one that never ceased to put a smile on her face. Alexis was always quick to recover and cover the uncertainty and surprise in her eyes, but that little flash as Kate stepped through the door was enough to put a smile on her face every time.

Normally, it was anyway, this morning, knowing it was one of those days that Rick had talked her into taking the day off to take her mind off of Keagan and the nearly feral need she had to find the answer to how they were going to end this thing, she felt something else. It wasn't the first time in the more than a month of Tuesdays she had appeared at the door to be greeted by the teenager that she considered what it might be like to walk through the doors and have Alexis' reaction be more of recognition and acceptance than surprise.

This part of her day had very little variation from the previous days. She had honed in on a way of breaking through to Alexis in a short time and that was something she had worked hard to get through all the little pot holes that had the teen throwing up her guard. She had reached the point where the explanation of her appearance in their house and her feelings for the girl's father were addressed and passed through quickly and with a level of maturity that still surprised her. Today, without knowing why, she felt like shaking things up.

Instead of following the routine she had established with Alexis these past days, she walked into the living room and dropped onto the sofa, unsurprised when Alexis was there in a moment, confused expression in place and carefully taking a seat on the sofa somewhat near her.

Kate skipped the pleasantries of the days before, didn't wait for Alexis to drag the information from her as she had discovered the girl was more comfortable with. Instead, Kate turned towards her on the couch, slanting one knee across the cushion to allow full rotation. ""Yesterday I was fine with my life." she informed the girl to an expected rising of her eyebrows in question. "Today I'm not fine with it anymore."

"Is everything ok?"

Kate had to smile at that. If nothing else, even in confusion, the girl was a caring individual who could obviously read the seriousness of the situation even if she had no idea where things were going in this particular conversation. "No, everything is not ok."

She saw the worried look and watched as Alexis' wheels of worry obviously started to spin as she tried to figure out which person in their shared knowledge something had happened to. Kate gave her a smile to let her know it wasn't anything as troubling as all that and watched her visibly relax. "What's up?" Alexis finally managed, sounding almost casual and had Kate not spent so many days in the girl's company she might have actually believed that she was undisturbed by it all.

Kate felt a sense of hesitation grip her in the light of what she was going to tell the girl, but then she shook it off because she knew it didn't matter. She needed this. She needed the deviation from the norm and the alteration in a routine that had become stale and impersonal. "I'm in love."

Alexis seemed hesitant and Kate didn't miss the quick glance the teen shot towards her father's bedroom door. "You're not here to see my dad?"

This was the question she had expected. Knowing she could say yes now and put Alexis out of her misery, Kate instead shifted in her seat as if uncomfortable. "No. I wanted to talk to you."

Alexis openly stare at her for a long moment before she seemed to find her way back to a neutral expression. "Why?" she finally managed to ask and Kate saw the anxiety in the girls expression that said she was apprehensive about this conversation.

Something in Kate enjoyed that change of pace and decided that she wasn't going to put the girl out of her misery just yet. "See, the way I figure it, you've done this more recently than me and I thought you might have some words of wisdom on how I'm supposed to deal with all this."

"Oh, Kate," she started nervously and Beckett couldn't have been more proud. It was the earliest in their morning conversations that she had been able to get the girl to use her first name, even if it was at the price of making her incredibly uncomfortable. It was obvious from the way her voice caught and her eyes shot back to her dad's room again. She thought Kate was talking about someone else and her loyalty to her father was making it difficult to decide whether she was going to be able to give Kate the answers she was looking for without violating her father/daughter relationship. "I really don't know what you could want from me."

"How about I explain why your input is vital and we go from there?"

Alexis' only reaction was a small nod that didn't hide the girl's hesitation.

Kate almost smiled, which would have blown everything. Playing with people was something that Castle was more fond of than her, but he had apparently rubbed off on her quite a bit if the sense of accomplishment this morning was giving her was any indication. She was excited to tell Alexis for the first time in weeks and despite how comfortably they had discussed things over the past several weeks of Tuesdays, she actually liked this way better. It was more exciting. She wondered if there was going to be enough odd ways of breaking the new to her to keep Kate this interested in her mornings for many more to come. She hoped so, because it was only her actions that caused new reactions. Without her changing anything life had gotten pretty stale.

"You have a unique viewpoint that I couldn't resist seeking out." Alexis cocked her head to the side slightly in question, but remained silent. "See, this guy I've fallen for has something in common with you and I couldn't see myself going further without getting your opinion on a few things."

Alexis' confusion had reached a new level, but the girl simply nodded, "Ok."

Kate did grin then, glad for the shift in reaction, but probably looking relieved in the positive response. "He has a teenager daughter and they are very close." Alexis seemed to be surprised, but Kate saw a bit of hope hiding in her eyes as if that one statement had tipped Beckett's hand enough to give away that she might be talking about her own dad. "So, what I'd like to ask you is whether you would be bothered by some woman falling for your dad?" She saw the spark of hope grow brighter and decided that she wasn't ready to give up the game, "I just want to know what to expect from her."

The light of hope died, but she watched Alexis straighten slightly in her seat and could tell she was giving serious thought to the question. It might not have been the set of circumstances she would have liked to see play out for her dad. Over the past many days, Kate had come to understand that Alexis wanted for her father to be happy Despite that, Kate could tell she cared about her as well and as much as she wanted things to work out differently, she still saw Kate as something of a friend. At least, saw it as enough that she was willing to put serious thought into the problem that she was having.

"I can't really answer for anyone else." she finally said, it was as if she was providing a legal disclaimer to state that she shouldn't be held responsible if her thoughts didn't turn out to be anywhere near the reality of the situation.

"Whatever you've got is going to be more than I know now. Please, Alexis." It was the plea more than anything that seemed to sway the teen to her way of thinking and she watched as the red-head nodded once before dropping into another short silence.

"First off, has she met you?" Kate nodded, she was certain this would be quite the inquisition so decided wherever possible she would answer without speaking or she might reveal too much, too soon. "Do you make her dad happy?" Again Kate nodded and watched the conflicting emotions in the girl. "Does she like you?"

That one Kate wasn't getting out of speaking so she hedged her bets and thought back to her views before this long day. "I guess, though sometimes I get the feeling that she thinks I'm not good enough for her dad." It wasn't a lie, and despite the progress she had made with Alexis she hadn't quite shaken that thought.

The confusion and conflict Alexis had been broadcasting in her features was gone in an instant, replaced with something more heated, something that looked an awful lot like outrage. "How dare she." Alexis gasped. "I'd say her dad is lucky to have someone like you care so much about him and if she doesn't like it then too bad, because she sounds like a spoiled brat." Kate tried to cut in, but Alexis continued, steamrolling over top of her attempt to diffuse the girl's outrage. "I can't believe it. You said you make him happy, what the Hell else could she ask for? She's a teenager for crying out loud, it's not like she needs her daddy every minute of the day. She'd have to be heartless to think that you weren't good enough for him. Girls like that shouldn't bother you. I don't care what she says, I say go for it. Love him and make him happy. She'll get over all her petty crap when she sees her dad is happy."

Kate felt a gentle flush come across her cheeks at the admiration being cast on her from Alexis and could have ended it there, but while they were talking hypotheticals, there were a few other things she had always wanted to know. "I think she's probably worried about how dangerous my job is. She doesn't want to see her dad get hurt if something happened to me."

Alexis shrugged, shadows falling over the heated anger as if the thought alone bothered her. It was gone in a moment and Alexis shifted on the couch to mirror her position. "You can die crossing the street with the way some of the cabbies drive here. That's a stupid excuse. Her dad is happy, whether that lasts a week or fifty years shouldn't be her concern. It's his choice to make." Alexis shook her head. "Besides," she continued, her tone solemn and far more serious that her age should allow. "When you love somebody, you should always love them like there's not going to be a tomorrow. He's lucky to have you Kate and I hope you'll introduce me to his kid so I can explain just how great you are."

Kate couldn't believe the level of commitment the girl showed to the thought and something she had been holding back furrowed to life inside her as tears welled in her eyes. She couldn't blink them back before Alexis saw and concern took the place of whatever she had been thinking. "Do you have any idea how incredible you are?" Kate finally asked, once she felt she could speak without her voice shaking.

Alexis grinned then as if sensing she needed the reprieve from heavy conversation she responded playfully, "To hear Dad say it, I'm better than whipped cream from a can."

Kate laughed then, her heart lighter than it had felt in over a month, "High praise coming from him."

Alexis gave her a smile, seeming to enjoy that Kate had appreciated the foray into the ridiculous they had taken. But just as quickly the smile fell away.

Kate couldn't play this little game anymore and with a tight smile she finally spoke, "Have I ever told you how much you mean to me?"

Alexis' eyes that had been swimming with the positive light of good humor a moment before became inquisitive. "Maybe." the girl replied, though Kate knew it was a cover. The previous dozens of days aside, she hadn't had more than a cursory relationship with the teen.

"You're an incredible young woman and your advice is more than valuable, it's valued." Kate tried to choose her words carefully and saw the softening of the girl in regards to her statement. "I think I love you as much as I love him."

"What?" the teen's confusion was something that Kate found more than a little cute.

"In different ways, of course." she clarified.

Alexis released a nervous laugh as if she couldn't control her surprise and that tiny bubble of sound was the only way to release it. "I should hope so." was her response before seeming to reign in her moment of surprise. "I hope I can meet her someday and tell her just how important you are."

Kate frowned slightly, not sure how Alexis hadn't made the connection yet, but intent on severing the illusion. "I don't think that's possible." Alexis almost looked hurt by her statement and as Kate replayed it in her head it did sound like she didn't want the girl she had just claimed to care about to have anything to do with the relationship she was building with another girl. Beckett was quick to amend her statement. "I just think it would be awkward,"

Alexis jumped in before Kate could finish the thought. "That's ridiculous." her voice had raised, but it wasn't yelling, though Kate could tell it was probably as close as the young woman ever let herself get to yelling. "I can't believe you'd say what you just did and then turn around and practically reclaim the words as if they meant nothing." Kate tried to cut her off, but she was like a freight train and barreled right over the interruption. "And anyways, if you really care about me and about him and his daughter then you wouldn't think it was a bad idea to introduce us. It wouldn't be awkward."

Kate pulled out her phone while Alexis continued to rattle off reasons that she shouldn't be ashamed of her relationship with the guy she'd mentioned or with the girl sitting next to her and once Alexis stopped to gather her nerve, Kate finally cut in. "I'll call her right now, but it will be a difficult conversation to have."

Alexis looked at her like she was crazy. "No more difficult than any other conversation." she attested, showing that she was just as stubborn and unrelenting as her father.

Kate almost laughed as she gave Alexis a shrug and then found the girl's number in her contact list and hit send. A moment later, Alexis' phone started to musically trill in the girl's pocket. The teen shot her an apologetic look as Kate put her own phone to her ear and watched her partner's daughter draw her phone from her pocket and look at the front with a confused expression.

As odd as it was already, Alexis smiled softly as she accepted the call and put the phone to her ear before saying a soft, "Hello."

The echo of hearing it through the phone and across the one seat that separated them was slightly disconcerting, but Kate pushed on. "Hi, Alexis. I wanted to introduce you to someone that is an important part of my life."

Alexis didn't have a response to that statement and just stared at Kate as if unable to fully comprehend what she was being told. Kate didn't give her long to think about it as she pulled the phone from her ear and held it towards the teen, "It's for you."

Instead of taking the phone that Kate was offering, Alexis ended the call and smiled at her with a confused brow. "Are you serious?"

"As serious as a double homicide." she replied and watched the grin split across the girl's face a moment before it fell away and she narrowed her eyes at Kate,

"You don't actually think those things about me, do you?"

Kate almost winced on remembering the tirade that Alexis had gone on from just the description she had provided of her own insecurities. "I don't really know how you feel about this, which is why I wanted to talk to you once I figured things out."

Alexis stared at her for a long moment. "You haven't told my dad?"

Kate smiled, knowing exactly what page she and Castle knew and recognized, but deciding to play with creative wording. "Wanted you opinion first." she replied with a casual shrug.

Alexis gave a surprised bark of laughter as she stood up from the couch and crossed the room to grab her backpack off the chair she had dropped it in on coming into the room with Kate a while before. Slinging the bag over her shoulder, Alexis gave Kate a reassuring smile. "I think you should go tell him. Put the poor guy out of his misery."

Kate smiled at that, she hadn't seen Alexis so excited at the prospect any of the other times they had discussed the issue. Perhaps it was the thought of what things would be like with her dad if Kate had found some other man and it wasn't him. Knowing Castle already had plans to have dinner with her that night, Kate asked Alexis to join them.

It was with a smile on her face and a confirmation that the teen was looking forward to dinner that Kate made her way to Rick's room in what had become the established routine of their days.

Deciding that there was something about trying new things and the reaction those surprises instilled in others, she headed to Castle's room with a devious plan already forming in her head.

x.x.x

A/N: So, I'd like to apologize for the delay and any future delay, but I will not provide the laundry list of excuses. You all know my writing by now and my posting 2-5 times per week, so you'd have to know that life has gotten seriously fucked in order for me to be gone so long. I hope all the internal changes I'm going through don't impact my writing style and everything as we wrap up comes out ok. I hope to give you the wrap up on this as quickly as possible, but I'm no longer making promises on timing because all my best laid plans seem to be falling to pieces.

Review that made my day: **Long time after update reviewers**, I want to give a special thanks to those of you who gave me little bits of encouragement every week or two as you waited for the next update. I know how terrible it is to have to wait on updates as you've all had to do and I appreciate every one of you for your patience and encouragement as I work through everything at home and in this story.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter Twenty-Seven

She was riding on the high that was experiencing something new in a day that had been so full of monotony. Deciding that she was interested in more of the same, namely something different, it was with a smile that she walked into Castle's room to wake him.

The sight of him, sleep rumpled and peaceful, was enough to remind her that she longed for the day when they would wake up together. The day when all of this would be behind them and, despite how she'd felt recently, for the first time in a while she had hope that it would.

Mind on experiencing something different, she entered the room quietly, shedding clothes as she approached the bed. Reaching out with the force of habit from so many days of switching off Castle's alarm clock after which she would normally slip into bed beside him to snuggle into his warmth for a few brief moments of calm before the storm. This morning, however, after switching off the alarm, she carefully pulled the covers back to leave him only in the pair of pajama pants that were so much a part of him after so many days of her seeing them that she wondered how she'd take to him waking in anything else, or possibly nothing else.

The thought itself was electrifying and had her climbing gingerly into the bed beside him, her gaze locked on his face for any sign that he was waking. Breathing deep and even with sleep, she was satisfied he was still oblivious as she made slow progress and settled herself in the lower half of the bed instead of aligning herself against him as she normally would. Movements careful and measured, she set to work on a way to wake him that was sure to keep her blood racing with the newness of it all.

Gingerly, her fingers worked loose the single button on the fly of his pajamas. She'd seen him and been with him enough times to know every inch of him as intimately as she'd ever known anyone, but this was something she'd never had the chance to do. She'd never had access to his body when he wasn't at least partially hard and thoughts of bringing the bit of flesh beneath the now open fly of his pajamas to full rigid length was thrilling.

Not wanting to risk her hands waking him before she reached her goal, Kate made careful movements in the shift of the fabric as she settled herself between his slightly splayed legs, hands braced beside his hips. Fully committed to her plan of action, butterflies of sweet anticipation fluttering in her stomach, she glanced up his body to lock her eyes on his face hoping to catch the play of emotions as she continued. One long slow breath in and back out, she mentally shook off the last of her nerves and licked her lips in anticipation. Eyes locked on his face, she lowered her head and pulled the flaccid flesh of his shaft into her mouth with just her lips and a very slight suction. It was an odd experience to feel the spongy softness enter her mouth and fall easily across her tongue. Normally, if she had him in her mouth like this he was nearly too much to handle. She enjoyed the way he slowly expanded across the delicate swipe of her tongue as she leisurely worked against him.

His head moved in a slight side to side motion as if he were fighting waking up, perhaps he'd slipped into that delightful point between sleep and wakefulness where he wasn't sure on reality and didn't want to risk opening his eyes for fear of whether an empty room would great him. Perhaps he thought the warm rush of sensation that was obviously working through him if the slow steady growth of his cock in her mouth was anything to go by, was a figment of some dream state. Still only half hard, she was able to easily sink fully on him, her nose settled against the soft hairs at the base and she ignored the tickling effect they had as her focus stayed trained on his face.

She watched as his eyes finally fluttered open and dropped to meet her own with sleepy confusion. She noted the exact moment recognition hit and his eyes lit with heat. She almost choked as in the next instant the flesh she had been caressing with her mouth suddenly hardened to full throbbing length, pushing back into her throat as she fought to keep her position snug against his base while his sleep thickened voice cracked over her name before he dropped his head back against the pillows with a long, deep growl.

He lay back as she started a more concentrated effort to stoke the fire raging through him. The deep timber as he spoke low, husky words she couldn't quite make out wasn't enough to hide the delighted surprise in his voice. He lay there accepting her slow torturous rhythm for only a few strokes before he bolted upright in the bed, hands buried in her hair as he delicately pulled her from him and laid her back against the sheets.

In a blink, his mouth was plundering hers with heated intensity as he buried himself deep inside her. She gasped at the force of her body's reaction to being impaled by him, still shocked at the reactions he elicited in her despite how many times they had shared similar moments.

Still, nothing of this intensity had swamped them in all the times they had been together. They moved together with an almost frantic passion that bordered on madness. The friction of their bodies moving together and that deep intense look in his eyes sent her crashing through a climax faster than she ever had before. The surprise in his eyes as her inner muscles pulsed against him let her know she wasn't the only one shocked at her reaction to this moment. She watched the expression on his face change and it was only a moment later that she heard the strangled sound emit from his throat as he thrust deep and poured his own release into her.

"Damn, Kate." he spoke into her shoulder where he'd buried his head while he attempted to regain control of his breathing. It was all he seemed capable of for a long moment before he finally pulled back to look down on her with a sexy half smile tilting the angle of his mouth. "Good morning." he said and she chuckled as warm feelings of contentment rolled through her.

Much later, after a long sensual shower that followed the quick intensity of that first time together with slow languorous lovemaking which left her a mass of weakened trembling satiation, they finally dressed. It was as if by unspoken agreement they decided to head out for some coffee, because, despite the fact that they were taking time off from the Kearns case, they still seemed intent on making it several blocks away to a particular coffee stand. Without comment on it, they trekked on, forsaking the couple dozen coffee shops in between his loft and that specific coffee stand a few doors down from a small private school.

Having gotten distracted with their morning, she noted that he seemed as relentless in his pace as she was and neither was surprised when they heard the chime from a church down the road announcing the time while they were over a block away and both took off at a dead run. Her aching feet slowed her down, but he didn't seem to suffer the same issues as he gained ground ahead of her. They made it to the corner just in time for him to take his last few steps out in traffic as he scoop Lindsey Wagner up into his arms and jumped back to the sidewalk just in time to miss the car that had been barreling towards them without seeing the small girl step out.

Usually they arrived in plenty of time to distract the girl before she could step out and no one was the wiser for it. This morning, they weren't so timely. Lindsey's mom was a wreck of tears and excited gratitude, however, their early morning sprint had drawn attention in a way that their leisurely stroll of days past rarely did. She heard someone calling his name as Castle was recognized and she noted more than one cell phone out being used for pictures and probably video. Rick did his best to shield the small girl from the curious gaze of people who had begun to crowd around them as he shifted her back into her mother's arms.

The woman seemed dazed and more than a little overwhelmed. Kate was tempted to pull her badge just to get her some room to breathe. Rick was way ahead of her as he leaned and whispered something in the woman's ear that garnered a vigorous nod in response before he was shielding her and Lindsey from the curious onlookers as he flagged down a cab. Once he got them settled in the cab, he approached the passenger window and pulled a few bills from his wallet to pass over to the cabbie before the man pulled away from the curb. Kate could see in the window of the cab, the woman still weeping as she held her daughter close and stroked her hair.

He was wearing a grin that said he was satisfied with how they'd handled that as he took the two steps back to stand at her side. It was strange what excitement could surround a bit of action in the day, spurred on by his being recognized, the small crowd had grown to a couple dozen and new people walking by stopped to stare, probably in an attempt to decipher what exactly they had missed. Without thinking, she leaned into him and brought her mouth near his ear to quietly ask, "You couldn't have asked to share the cab with them?"

Rick's laughter cut the air a moment before his hand dropped to grasp hers and tug her along with him, leaving the gawkers behind as they headed off at a quick pace, weaving through oncoming pedestrians like fish swimming upstream, but he never lost his grip on her hand, despite the beating he occasionally took from the shoulders of people who weren't watching where they were going as closely as they should have been. She couldn't help but laugh along with him at the exhilaration of another change in their day. She wasn't too thrilled about how close they had come to nearly being too late, but that faded under the adrenaline still rushing through her system from the heat of the moment.

They'd managed to shake the gawkers and even squeeze in a quick breakfast before heading across town to meet up with Keith Francis, father of three. They arrived in plenty of time to start up a conversation with the man who they had learned over the many days spent talking him up in the morning, had a wife who was a huge fan of Rick's. It started innocently as always, with Castle approaching him as if they were long lost friends from school in a classic case of mistaken identity. Once Rick introduced himself, the man grinned with recognition of his name and mentioned his wife's affinity for Castle's books. They laughed about the strange twist of fate and Rick, following her lead of setting the day ablaze with new and interesting twists on the way they had been doing everything, offered him a signed book if he had time to walk down to the bookstore around the corner.

By the time they were finished chatting and Castle had turned over the signed copy of Storm Fall, the man had long missed the accident that would have taken his legs from him. It was a good feeling to know that, while they were doing all the same things, they were finding a new way to do them. It made her smile as they started over to Lower Manhattan and a date with a little old lady. Again, they were running behind thanks to their foray into the unscripted, but it seemed they'd make it in time anyway.

Unfortunately, they hit enough traffic that as they started past the building, Castle spotted the first tendrils of smoke rising from the opened window on the second floor. The past weeks of Tuesdays, they had always gotten there in time to wake the older woman so she wasn't asleep when the fire started. They hadn't been able to get the details from the fire marshal to narrow down where the fire started, but being there when it did with the woman awake, they had been able to easily escort her out of the building before it got out of hand.

Ignoring the sound of horns blaring behind her, Kate stopped her car in the middle of the street and motioned the driver in the car behind hers to look at the building and signaled for them to call for help. The surprised driver hopped out and stared after them with his phone in his hand, still not dialing it, as she and Castle rushed into the building.

The heat of the flames and the choke of the smoke was stronger than it had been on any of their other ventures into the building. Normally, they were out on the sidewalk with Mrs. Grady when the building started crackling and smoking like it was now. Ignoring Castle's shout of caution, Kate raced up the stairs ahead of him. Keeping to a crouch, they managed to avoid most of the smoke that was still thin enough to only blanket the uppermost parts of the roof, but they both knew they had to work quickly.

Black smoke stung her eyes by the time they reached the third floor and Kate got disoriented enough that the first door she kicked in turned out to be the vacant apartment next to where Mrs. Grady lived. Pushing past the delay that miscalculation caused, Castle took down the next door with his shoulder and rushed through the older woman's apartment. While they had never been inside her room, it was the only door in the apartment that was closed and they made quick work of rousing the older woman.

Knowing about her slow pace and the fragile state of her hips from a surgery a few months prior, Castle didn't bother allowing her the chance to make her own way out of the building. Once they had assured her the building was on fire and she had settled from her panic enough to have Kate grab her robe, she had the garment cinched around her and allowed Castle to lift her into his arms. She tucked her head into his neck, breathing through the terrycloth sleeve of her robe as Kate led the way back to the stairs. The layer of smoke had dropped significantly and she had to crouch as she guided them down the stairs. It wasn't until they were headed down the last flight of stairs that she noticed he wasn't able to attain the same deep crouch with the cargo in his arms, but her offer to help was brushed off as his hand clasped her shoulder while his eyes watered. He didn't seem too certain on the direction they were going and she could see the smoke had taken a toll on his vision, even if it had left his stubborn protective tendencies intact.

The feel of cool mid-morning air hitting her body and her lungs was enough to send a heady rush of relief through her. Adrenaline still pounding, she only had eyes for their rescue as Castle's hand continued to grip her shoulder while she led him down the stairs to where a fire truck had just pulled up in front of the building. In moments, the woman was lifted from Castle's arms and they were left alone for a moment, blackened with soot and smelling of smoke, they fell into each other's arms with whispered words of reassurance that each was ok. They had survived. It was all that mattered. She found herself laughing, despite the situation as she reached up to swipe at a smudge on his cheek only to worsen it with her soot-covered thumb.

"Well, that was different." he remarked dryly and she laughed harder before pulling him down to meet her lips in a slow sweet kiss that spoke of relief and conveyed all the feelings that must have battered him as they had done to her when they had been inside.

It was while Castle sat in the back of an ambulance being checked over for smoke inhalation, chatting with the EMT, that his eyes suddenly widened. She didn't know what the emergency tech had said to him, but something had struck a chord with the writer. She knew that look; it was the expression that always lit his face when something fell into place. It was the excited look of a kid on Christmas morning that always seemed to fill his eyes with wonder that usually preceded the phrase, "I know who the killer is."

While she knew that wouldn't be the case this time, since they had known all along who was responsible, still there had to be some bit of the puzzle suddenly cleared up for him and it sent a shock of sensation through her just to watch his eyes dance in delight.

In a day full of things so different from the days that had preceded it, this was one glimpse of familiarity that she was glad to see.

x.x.x

A/N: I know, quick turn around, but I'm not promising anything on the rest. I got this and the previous out in a single day. Of course, I'd like to be back quickly, but I won't make promises I might not be able to keep. I have started the next chapter, but whether I finish it timely will rely on so many things.

Review that made my day: **the faithful**, Thank you for all the well wishes. Your words were like a virtual hug that I so needed lately. I have missed you all terribly and knowing that if I just make a little time to toil away at this I can bring you joy as well is enough to have me bowing my head in gratitude to you all. I appreciate all of you who assured me you're still here despite my not updating regularly and will do what I can not to let you down, but again, no promises.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter Twenty-Eight

Less than half an hour later, she was still shaking her head in disbelief over his random snap of insight, gleaned from an offhand comment made by the EMT. Something about being praised by the younger man for something, "Thugs in this part of town would never think to do." had set him on a single-minded mission of discovery.

As they walked into the squad room, she didn't particularly think this theory held any more weight than the dozens of other thoughts they'd had over the past several weeks, but at the same time she couldn't prevent the little thrill she felt at the thought of something different, again. This day was proving to be full of surprises, but she wasn't about to complain. While they may have already decided this would be a day off from the investigation, it was the first jolt of positive energy they had towards the case in what felt like a lifetime and she wasn't about to lose the positive momentum.

Esposito spotted them first, giving a surprised lift of his eyebrows, "Yo, Beckett. Where've you been?"

"Running down a lead." she responded as they made their way through the bullpen on a mission to hit the records room after realizing they hadn't been at the precinct earlier in the day to send Ryan for the file as they had in so many days past.

It seemed that just thinking of the Irish detective had him appearing from down the hall, but as they approached each other, Ryan's nose wrinkled, "What is that smell?" he inquired. The question was accompanied by a quirk of his brows indicating he was waiting on what was likely to be one hell of a story, knowing the two of them.

"We were roasting marshmallows around a campfire." Castle shot off quickly, as they continued on past the other detective with a singular focus. She heard the hushed, slightly worried, tones of Ryan and Esposito falling into conversation behind them, but ignored the potential speculation.

It didn't take them long to pull out the now familiar file. Castle couldn't seem to stop himself from grinning as he flipped through it on the walk back to the bullpen. "I can't believe I didn't make the connection earlier."

"Share with the class, huh?" she teased, trying to keep a rein on her potential excitement until he actually said something that made sense. "There are probably a few leaps that are going to seem crazy if you make them to anyone else and we're going to need to figure out how to explain this."

His low chuckle was enough to let her know that he hadn't even considered that and he felt a little silly marching with determination back to make his normal show of laying out the case as he saw it. "Yeah, hard to explain how I've seen the inside of the closet of a suspect that isn't even a suspect yet."

"His bomb room?" she inquired, not sure what the man's workbench had to do with Castle's sudden realization.

"Exactly." he replied, waving the file in her direction before flipping it open. "What if the targets of these attacks weren't the gang leaders, but the low level thugs that were there as muscle? What if the leaders were collateral damage?"

It didn't take long for that line of thought to spark through her mind as visions of the closet where Kearns had a small shrine of surveillance photos flashed through her memory. "The photos." she said as the spark of recognition lit an ember of hope beneath his potential thought process.

"Exactly." he remarked, flipping through the file. "The descriptions of the suspects in the Kearns murder match some of those men out there on the board. We've been so sure that the leaders were the targets and I didn't even think about the fact that the central subject in those surveillance photos weren't the high level men, but their underlings."

"He's not going after the gang as an institution to bring it down entirely, he's going after the specific men involved and the others just got in the way" Beckett replied, scrambling for a way to make this make sense to anyone else without them thinking that the two of them had gone crazy.

"This is the reason he's killing." he was quick to take up.

"So, if we get his next target before he does," she started.

Castle finished. "Then maybe he'll come to us on his own."

"Hmm." she replied with a shrug and a small smile, determined to control the overwhelming urge to whoop with joy at the thought. They had been disappointed too many times by false hope. "Not a half bad theory."

By the time they returned, the other two detectives had worked themselves into an interested frenzy of inactivity. They found them in nearly the same place they had last seen them; standing near her desk with matching expressions of puzzlement, but Castle didn't seem to notice. Instead, he bumped his shoulder against hers in a teasing gesture, "Not half bad?" he asked with mock indignation. "I'll have you know, that's the best idea I've had in a month of Tuesdays."

"I think the phrase is 'a month of Sundays', Castle." Ryan interjected, drawing their attention from its focused state to the other two detectives.

"Po-tay-to, po-tah-to." Castle remarked, shooting a teasing grin and a subtle wink her direction.

It took a little longer than it probably should have to explain how they came to the bizarre plan of catching their killer by solving another case, but at the same time, it probably would have taken more time if Ryan and Esposito weren't already used to going with the flow as far as the various crazy theories Castle usually threw out.

She was slightly shell shocked as she and Castle took the statements from the original file and compared them with the gang unit's flip book of mug shots. It didn't take long to narrow it down to identify the two men who had been on the wall in Kearns' bomb closet who had yet to make an appearance on their murder board.

It was almost anticlimactic to get a call back from the gang unit uptown not long after they had issued a BOLO for the two suspects. Heading out of the precinct with Castle and the boys felt more familiar than a lot of things had that day, but at the same time, it too was different. They were off to a destination they had yet to venture to and well before the bomb would be exploding in the Italian bistro.

They skipped the fanfare of lights and sirens as they pulled up just down the block from what could only be classified as a 'dive bar' where the local gang task forced had reported a current sighting of the two men they were looking for. It wasn't the fact that the façade was more rundown than the other buildings in the neighborhood, because they were keeping a close competition in that regard, but more the neon glowing in the middle of the day as people milled about out front that gave the bar it's less than savory appeal.

Beckett spotted the unmarked car of the officers who had obviously radioed in the sighting and gave a subtle head nod as she climbed from her cruiser. Ryan and Esposito were there at the ready and she motioned them towards the alley beside the brick building housing the bar and probably half a dozen other businesses or residences in the upper floors. She could see a door off the side that appeared the only other exit from the bar, but wasn't cocky enough to think there might not be another way through the adjacent buildings. They would have to make it in and find their men quickly if they wanted to maintain the element of surprise.

Heart pounding with equal parts adrenaline pumping fear and stupid hope, Kate gestured for Castle to stay behind her as they reached the large wooden door marking the main entrance to the establishment. It was with a bit of relief that the few people milling around in front of the bar took notice of them and started away instead of ducking inside. That could have been a tip-off to the men they were pursuing and they didn't need it. They were already facing a situation that was marked in uncertainty and she didn't want to think about them losing even the slightest bit of edge they had managed to find in this situation.

Knowing that it was likely Joey Paulson and Rob Franks weren't the only two thugs in the place put the hairs on the back of her neck up, but she shook off the feeling of imminent danger as easily as a duck wicking water off its back. That feeling had become a common entity in her life every time this day played again and she was growing entirely too comfortable with it.

Kate took one final breath in and then slowly out through pursed lips. She locked her gaze with Castle, relishing the reassuring smile that tugged lightly at the corner of his mouth, and then closed her eyes for a brief moment to acclimate them to what was sure to be a darker atmosphere inside the bar in the middle of the day. Beckett's eyes snapped open again once Castle had pulled the door far enough to block the glare of the sun and then she was stepping through, gun out, but low along her leg in a subtle gesture that she hoped would keep it from everyone's notice long enough for her to get the drop on the two suspects, but cocked and ready in case she needed it quickly.

Her eyes made a quick scan of the room and it took only a moment for her gaze to hop over the bar's inhabitant. A staple of any dive bar was the local regular; this one appeared to be a man in his mid to late fifties, hunched slightly, but obviously comfortable on a stool at the bar. There was a world worn and obviously weary woman mopping at the bar top with a rag who had the look of poorly aged leather around her eyes and the corners of her mouth. She knew Castle's eyes would linger longer than her own on a couple huddled in a corner booth. They were far too friendly for a public location. Her eyes flicked over them in an instant and captured the motion of the man's arm, the obvious position of his hand beneath the table, and the way the woman's neck arched as she rested her head back against the high vinyl seat and rotated her pelvis into the man's touch. She didn't dwell on the lewd act in this public settling, she didn't have the time to really comprehend or care beyond the fact that neither occupant of that booth was who they were looking for.

Instead, she scanned the whole room in one swift sweep of her eyes, taking in all of that as well as noting the two men shooting pool in the far corner. She spotted their proximity to the side exit and hoped that Ryan and Esposito were in place as she moved in to approach them. Her approach was partially obscured for the first several feet by a half wall with wrought iron posts extending to the roof that separated the pool table from the sitting area along the side nearest the front door.

Her heart beat wildly, Kate's mind split between making sure Castle was behind her and watching both men for signs that they'd identified danger approaching. She had made it halfway through the small pub when Paulson turned from the table towards Franks and locked eyes with her over the other man's shoulder. He seemed to stop in mid-sentence, his smile freezing on his face in an expression more clearly resembling a grimace than the humor the quirk of his lips had started with. A moment later it fell away completely.

His expression suddenly serious, she was too far away to hear the clipped words he passed on to the other man. She did note the moment that Franks turned in her direction. The man's movement provided a distraction that seemed to give Paulson the moment he needed to bolt. It only took a few long strides to reach the man staring at them in surprise. He wasn't a challenge to subdue, and she managed to get one of his hands cuffed before the slowly closing side door had fully latched in the wake of Paulson's escape.

Castle had pulled away and headed towards the side exit, likely to verify that Ryan and Esposito had apprehended the other suspect. In the time it took her to give Franks a quick, preliminary, pat down and tug one hand back to fasten the metal restraint, Castle had swung the door open far enough to peek into the alleyway. Beckett nearly dropped the suspect in her custody on his face against the worn, dirty floor of the bar when Castle suddenly jumped back from the gap in the door and plastered himself against the wall beside it.

"Whoa." he said, his eyes wide as they caught hers and she knew she didn't want to even ask what was on the other side of that wall.

Moving quickly, she pulled the man in her grasp along with her, practically dragging him to the half wall and securing him to one of the iron posts. She gave it a quick tug to ensure it was structurally sound and motioned Castle to watch him. "Don't let him out of your sight." she informed him over her shoulder, though she knew the statement was redundant. Their non-verbal communication, like so often lately, would have been plenty. Still, it gave her a sense that she was doing something in a situation that may have already spiraled out of control.

With swift and efficient movement, she retreated back out the way she had come in, hoping to sneak up on the situation outside, whatever that might be. Her gun at the ready, she rounded the corner to find three men in a standoff only a few feet away near the side door.

Paulson had a pistol aimed towards Ryan and Esposito, but she could see the tension in him. From the slight tremble in his hands to the way sweat glistened in the brown hair that brushed along the nape of his neck, she knew that this moment was riding a very thin line. Without needing to think about it, she angled her body close to the wall, a guarantee that if she had to fire the other two detectives weren't in her shot while also ensuring she didn't prevent their ability to fire if they had an opening.

Beckett's stomach dropped as it knotted when she noticed the slow, subtle movement of the bar's side door being carefully opened. She knew that meant Castle was checking on their progress, but he was likely to set the man off if he didn't stop himself from acting on every damn impulse he had like some kind of bored child at the store always trying to reach out and touch everything, thinking it well within their right.

Fortunately, Paulson didn't seem to notice and a moment later the movement stopped. She was hopeful Castle had come to his senses and allowed her ears to pick up on the dialogue between the suspect and the detectives that had found themselves in a standoff with the man. "This isn't the way, Paulson." Ryan informed him, sounding calm and sure, but she knew that expression in the detective's eyes. She also knew what it was like when he bore the brunt of all the negativity that was this day, when he didn't walk away from it and she feared from the determined set of Paulson's shoulders that this was going to be another day like all the others.

Esposito's voice broke into her consciousness and she knew that if it hadn't she may have lost herself in the insanity that was always thinking the worst was going to happen. "There's three of us and only one of you, good odds in Vegas, pretty shitty here in this alley."

Beckett almost choked on her surprise that the detective could be so cavalier, but she forced herself to remember that he didn't know how many times she had watched him die. Neither of them relived the most gut-wrenching and gruesome days of their lives over and over again the way she and Castle had been doing. Perhaps that was why they seemed at least somewhat relieved while she waited for the hammer to fall.

Pushing aside her doubts, she took up a firing stance, careful that neither of the other detectives were in her shot and waited for the moment she would need if this man didn't decide that he was making a mistake in the next few seconds.

The talking turned to terse demanding and segued right into stern commands, but her concentration was completely captivated by the flex of muscles along the back of Paulson's hand. She focused everything else out as she watched for that moment when he pulled his finger far enough away from the trigger to make a strike successful or when he moved along as if to make good on the threat he was implying as he held two officers of the law away from him by the barrel of his gun pointed in their direction.

When she saw the moment stretching to the point where nerves were getting frayed enough for something to happen when it didn't need to, she attempted a distraction. "Paulson." She called.

Beckett's heart gave a painful thump in her chest when the man's hand twitched as he startled. When his gaze shot to her she watched as both other detectives dropped to a crouch putting them out of direct line of Paulson's aim and leaving him the sole target in the sights of three professionally trained marksmen.

It seemed to only take him a moment to forget about his original targets and frustration in his situation to take over. With a shout of anger and irritation he turned towards her, sweeping his weapon around as he did so. She'd lost her ability to make a clean, non-lethal shot and she had to hope that Ryan or Esposito would take it before he'd fully turned or they'd lose their window.

A flash of movement threatened her focus a moment before the shot rang out.

Time slowed and the space between two heartbeats felt like much longer than an instant. As she watched she couldn't have said whether the shot followed by a brief spray of misted blood from the exit wound happened while Paulson stood alone or after Castle's body impacted his in an attempted take down.

Heart in her throat she watched the two men hit the ground with muffled grunts. When Paulson pushed Castle off his chest and weakly started the search for the gun that had just been knocked from his grasp, he didn't get far before Esposito was on him. Somehow her gaze shifted past the three men to where Ryan was still crouched, gun in hand, with a shocked look on his face.

That wide-eyed fearful expression had her focus slipping back to where Castle was sprawled face-down on the ground. She saw the blood along his side the pained expression on his face as he finally managed to roll himself gingerly over to his back.

Her gun was holstered and she'd crossed to him before he'd had a chance to settle on his back. Scrunched eyebrows above strained eyes that searched quickly before latching on to hers. "That was dumb." he said with a brief chuckle.

"No shit, Sherlock." Esposito cracked as he made quick work of cuffing Paulson before he turned to see Beckett dropping to her knees and applying pressure to a wound seeping through the shirt on Castle's side. She watched him visibly blanch before his gaze leapt from Castle to his own partner, still shell shocked several feet away.

It only took a moment before Esposito snapped back to attention and pulled his phone out to call for an ambulance.

"Did you shoot me?" Castle asked her, a smile playing at his lips despite the grimace gripping his expression.

Kate could only shake her head and hope that when she moved her hands she found things weren't as bad as they could be, or if they were, that they'd still have another chance on the day. "I probably should." she replied. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"He was going to shoot you." he remarked as he shifted. She felt his muscles bunch and pull beneath her fingers before the movement manifested in a shrug as if that were a perfectly good explanation.

"We had it under control." she informed him, though the reprimand was hidden beneath the concern in her voice.

Castle quirked an eyebrow at her, "I see that know." The grin that played across his lips as he spoke was wry and full of humor. Without giving much thought to anything aside from the position of her hands and not applying too much pressure against ribs that might be damaged, Kate leaned into him, snatching that wry smile off his lips with the pressure of her own mouth.

It wasn't until she pulled back so that she could fully assess the situation that she realized Ryan and Esposito were hovering over them. "I must have killed him." Ryan remarked, but while the comment was full of humor directed at deflecting his shock at her actions, his tone and expression were somber.

Deciding it was time to face the inevitable, Beckett pulled her hands back from Castle's side and blood tinged fingers started their trembling work on the tiny buttons of his shirt. Once she managed to part the fabric she found herself glad they had been rushed in getting dressed this morning when an undershirt didn't inhibit her view of the wound.

She couldn't help the relieved chuckle that bubbled up from somewhere deeper than her chest when her eyes fell on the path the bullet had taken. The wound was long, but clearly showed the path of the bullet near his lowest rib. More across the skin than through it, blood seeped through, but the bullet has grazed him, not actually penetrating the chest cavity.

"_You_ shot me?" he inquired of Ryan, his eye lids dropping low in a glare made less threatening by the slight quirk of his lips.

"You're fine." Kate replied, tugging his shirt back over to provide some kind of absorbent barrier as she again applied pressure.

It wasn't long before the suspects were carted away and paramedics arrived. Kate and Rick shared a smile as they watch a young medic approach them.

"Long time no see." Castle quipped as the younger man dropped his bag and met them with an amused grin.

"You got some kind of death wish, Mr. Castle?"

"Nah," he replied, his gaze finding Kate's. "Got a million reasons to live." When he glanced back it was with a humorous tilt to his lips. "I just missed you smiling face."

Beckett couldn't help the heavy sigh of relief that escaped her a few minutes later. Rick was in the back of the ambulance and her suspicions about his condition were confirmed after a brief examination. He'd need some stitches, but he was going to be fine. The relief lasted only a few minutes to be replaced by the urge to strangle that man.

"Can't you just use those butterfly things?" he asked the EMT from his perch on the gurney in the back of the bus, "We're kind of in the middle of something."

The young man's eye roll was visible several feet away if Esposito's snicker was anything to go by, "Are you on some kind of mission to save the whole city today, because I'll tell you now, I'm not patching you up again. You get hurt one more time and I'm hauling you in for a 72 hour psychiatric watch."

"You wouldn't." Castle gasped in mock horror at the thought.

The medic responded, "Just try me." However, the slight smile tugging one corner of his mouth and the spark of admiration in his eyes was enough to give away the insincerity of his words.

The two of them joked lightheartedly as the wound was cleaned and butterfly bandages were arranged in a neat line before a gauze pad was placed over the whole thing. Once that was completed, however, the paramedic became all business with a serious stony expression he looked first to Castle and then to her as if he thought she might be his keeper. Perhaps she was, in regards to common sense anyways. "If he bleeds through that in the next 2 hours, you need to take him in for stitches. No arguments, no more delays. I'm serious."

Kate nodded confirmation as Castle made an attempt to tug his bloody shirt back around himself. "Like I'm going to let her tell me what to do." He grumbled loud enough for her to hear him and treat the comment with the eye roll he had been expecting. With that he started to scoot to the end of the gurney as if making his escape.

"Not so fast." the medic stopped him with a hand at his shoulder. "Let me listen to your lungs before I let you walk away."

Grumbling with little actual emotion behind it, Castle settled against the raised back of the gurney again as Ryan and Esposito finally approached to stand beside her at the open ambulance doors.

"So, he's going to be ok?" Ryan asked, and she could see the relief in him. Other than watching the Irish detective die several times, this was the hardest thing she'd had to go through with him. He looked more than a little weary and worn down, far too ragged for so early in the day. There was a tension around his eyes that had only eased slightly since the shooting.

"He's fine, but I'm telling you right now," Beckett started, her eyes drifting back to Castle in the ambulance, "He's not going to let you forget this for a good long time."

"Hey, now," Esposito was quick to defend the other detective, "Castle's the damn fool who jump in front of three armed cops during a standoff."

"Yeah, but I _shot_ him." Ryan remarked quickly siding with Beckett, but when she glanced over she watched his face go ashen all over again. "Oh, shit," he breathed the words as if the situation was fully hitting him for the first time, "I shot Castle."

"You didn't kill me, Ryan!" Castle shouted to be heard around the wall of paramedic perched in front of him. "I'm going to have a cool scar and I get to say I've been shot without all the surgery, hospital stuff." He learned around the medic, wincing slightly at the odd angle that making visual contact with the three of them required. "My writer buddies aren't going to believe this."

Beckett couldn't do anything but smile at the enthusiasm in his voice. Of course, she'd known more than the others that even if he had lost his life this day they were doing it all again tomorrow so it didn't matter anyway. Still, he managed to play along as if tomorrow would really happen every time they lived these days and she was starting to wonder if it was optimism or idiocy that he could maintain like that for so long while she was a ragged mess of nerves.

Apparently the EMT was satisfied with Castle's condition, because a moment later he moved to the side so that Rick could make his way out of the ambulance. He stepped down carefully, the range of motion limited as his bandage tugged and the sting of the fresh would registered clearly in his expression.

"How is he?" Beckett asked, not willing to trust Castle with proclaiming his own clean bill of health.

"He'll live." The medic smiled at her as he climbed down. "His wound might need stitches, remember to watch that for two hours like I said. His lungs sound fine, but if he plans to pull any more ladies out of burning buildings, he should probably try to stay below the smoke next time or he could end up in pretty bad shape. He's fine, though." Then the young man seemed to age ten years of stern authority in a mere moment as he turned towards Castle, "No more heroics today. I'm serious, or I'm going to sell my story to the tabloids about my firsthand account of you having a death wish."

Castle just laughed it off as he turned to her. She mildly registered that the two detectives beside her were giving them puzzled looks from the way the EMT had spoken. She was sure they'd finally put the answer on their question about the heavy smell of smoke that permeated both of their clothes when they'd arrived, but she didn't care about any of that at the moment.

Just then, all she could think was how glad she was that she hadn't had to watch him die again. That particular experience never seemed to get any better. There was always that nagging fear that this time she would wake up and it would all be real. She would wake up and it would be Wednesday and he would really and truly be gone. That deep, gut wrenching fear that built from a slow ache to a deep throbbing torment the closer she got to sleep. It never got better, never seemed to fade and never failed to make her feel more than a little sick.

She pulled him within a couple inches of her by his bloodied shirt and started doing up the buttons, her eyes on his as her fingers worked meticulously up his chest. Her tone was fierce, despite what she was certain was tenderness in her eyes as she took in his features from so close, "I love you, Castle, but if you ever do anything that stupid again, I swear I'll kill you myself."

He just looked down on her with a big goofy grin on his face. It wasn't until she heard the quiet chorus of "Dude." behind her as Ryan and Esposito addressed each other at the same time that she realized what she'd said and who she'd said it in front of. They'd shared the words with each other a lot over the past several weeks, but it wasn't anything that they had put out in front of others before.

She figured she'd probably feel heat creeping up her cheeks any moment, but when she finished his shirt, still completely composed, she met his smiling eyes with a little shrug and thought, what the hell, in for a penny, in for a pound. With that thought and a wicked little smile working its way to the surface, she pull the front of his shirt so he'd lean down and meet her half way as she rose up to capture his lips. Not sure what she'd intended, she was a little surprised at how quickly they got carried away in the moment and the kiss, but she didn't complain when everything around them fell away and she could have sworn the world existed only for them.

In some ways, perhaps it did, and it had been just them starting over each day for so long now, that it wasn't an entirely disconcerting feeling.

She remained lost in him and that moment until Ryan spoke up from behind her, sounding almost proud and a far cry from the torment that had been in his voice moments before, "Maybe I should have shot him years ago."

x.x.x

A/N: Busy life lately, but I'm not apologizing. I'd rather finish this how I'd always envisioned than finish it quickly and poorly. I hope you're all ok with that. This is an extra-long chapter that could have been more than one, but you deserve it for the long delay.

Review that made my day: **New Readers**, While I'm sorry you're coming upon me after I've started updating infrequently instead of multiple times a week, I'm still grateful for all the new fans and encouraging words that keep me motivated to come back despite all the real life pressures lately.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter Twenty-Nine

It was almost surreal how easily both Franks and Paulson caved once they had been taken into interrogation rooms. Each man seemed to seek an out through placing the blame on the men who had already been killed, laying themselves in the situation as mere observers, but she knew better. The original statement from Kearns indicated that the group of men who had attacked him and his wife had all had equal participation in the devastation that was that day in the former professor's life.

On one hand, she completely understood their suspect, understood his motive and reasoning and would have been happy to let this one go with a shrug at the symbolic justice that Kearns had been seeking. It was, however, easily overshadowed by visions of the destruction that had come in the wake of that motivation. He may have intended only to seek justice for his wife's brutal murder, but he had gone so far down the path that he had reached a point where he was willing to end his life and any lives around him regardless of who they might be.

The memories of tiny bodies at an Italian bistro were enough to wipe away any understandably honest intent that Kearns may have started with. He was a threat still, and there was no telling how big of one until they tried to rope him in. If he was aware there were no more suspects from his wife's murder running free on the streets would he pack up his quest for justice and go back to the class room or would his need for vengeance only lead to more vigilante slayings and the potential destruction they had faced so many times on this day.

She couldn't be certain, none of them could. Regardless of her own personal feelings of identifying with the man for wanting closer and his own sense of rightful justice, she couldn't let him walk for the brutality he had inflicted in his quest for revenge. More so, she didn't want to. This man had tormented and tortured her every day for weeks on end and she couldn't put the images out of her mind even if she could see the logic in his response to his apparent disgust with the inner workings of the legal system.

Mind firmly convinced in her actions being right, not just for now, but for a potentially volatile future, Kate glanced to Caste where he sat in his normal chair beside her desk. He was regarding her with a reassuring smile as if he knew the conflicted series of emotions lancing through her and that moment of silent communication was enough to have her straightening in her own chair as she reached for the phone.

Somehow, Beckett wasn't surprised in the least when the line rang four times and she was greeted by the soft sound of a female voice informing them that she and her husband were unable to make it to the phone and she should leave a message. The happiness that was clear in the woman's voice squeezed at Kate's chest as she considered all that Kearns had lost in that one evening. Doubts on her ability to follow through were fleeting as the woman's picture from her murder file was quickly replaced in her mind with the lifeless eyes of her partner, Ryan, Esposito and that small child's burnt teddy bear too far away to be clutched in the kid's cold lifeless hands.

"This is Detective Kate Beckett of the NYPD. We have arrested two suspects in the murder of your wife and would appreciate if you contact us to set up a time to go through a line-up to positively ID the men in custody." She rattled off her phone number and the location of the precinct, reminding the man of her name again and then hung up the phone before turning back to Rick. "Now, we wait." She remarked and he nodded before standing and making his way towards the break room.

She could see the delicate manner he adjusted his movements to save having to strain the gash at his side, but his eyes seemed clear of pain and full of comfort and understanding. "I'm thinking we need some coffee." He remarked and she could do nothing but smile as she rose to follow him.

"Yeah," she remarked as they stepped into the break room to start prepping their caffeine infusion, "We didn't really get to drink those ones this morning."

Castle's eyes lit with heat and she realized that he was think of before they'd left his loft, "As I recall, someone was pretty intent on making us late to everything this morning."

His tone had dropped to a slightly deeper tone that she was familiar with after so many days spent so intensely with him. Heat simmered along her skin at the implication in his aroused voice and the light in his eyes that spoke of his desire to return the favor on her at the first opportunity. "Work now. Play later." She replied, unsure when that breathy quality had seeped into her voice.

He finished their coffee, rarely moving his heated gaze off of her and when he pressed her cup into her hand he let his own fingers linger to brush along her knuckles lightly, trapping her gaze with his and her breath in her lungs. "I'm going to hold you to that." He replied, finally letting his fingers fall away as a wicked smile spilled across his features, "I'm holding you to a lot more than that." He finished and then strode from the room as if his presence and his words had not completely knocked the air from her lungs.

Kate's phone began to ring in her pocket and she shifted the cup in her hands to pull it free, wondering if Kearns had made up his mind already. "Beckett." She answered.

"Girl, you better have a damn good reason why I'm hearing all sorts of stories about your and Writer Boy from Javi and not straight out of your mouth." Lanie opened, her lack of greeting standard, but the anger covering a hint of hurt was enough to have Beckett wincing in realization.

Taking a card from Castle and playing the day as if it wasn't just going to start again when she woke up, Beckett realized she could use a good conversation with her friend. "We've been a little wrapped up today and I'm waiting on a call after baiting our suspect, so if you want to chat about it face to face, you're going to have to meet me here, otherwise it needs to wait until after work."

"Nuh uh, you aren't getting away with this over the phone. Let me wrap up I'll be there in thirty minutes." With that Lanie hung up and left Beckett alone formulating her thoughts.

Trying to figure out what she'd say to her friend took a back burner as she approached her desk to find the Ryan and Esposito had joined Castle there and appeared to be waiting on her for an update. She filled them in on what little they had, but shot down the idea of going to try and make personal contact with Kearns. Kate had seen, too often, how that ended up and maybe she'd consider it next time they went through this day, but this time she refused the suggestion outright.

They were still without word from Kearns when the elevator opened and Lanie stepped out, her stride purposeful, but a hint of amusement laced her features and Kate felt a bit of relief at that expression. She could handle Laney in a good mood, but she was so far from being ready for her friend in her no-nonsense interrogation mode. Despite her relief, she managed what she hoped was a sufficiently threatening glare in Esposito's direction. If the look of his reaction was anything to go by, the expression had hit its mark. The man knew she was aware of his wagging tongue having put her in hot water with the medical examiner and he at least had the decency to cringe at the implied threat of her gaze.

It didn't take long for her friend to have her cornered in a small meeting room down the hall, but for once Kate actually felt like playing along. She wanted to practice how these conversations would go once they made it to Wednesday. It had taken weeks to master how she told Alexis, so she wasn't optimistic about hitting this one out of the park on the first attempt. Still, with a little practice, she'd have it down well enough that once Wednesday arrived she'd know just how to deal with it.

"Spill." was Lanie's lone word command as soon as the door had latched behind them.

Kate gestured to the small table as she lowered herself into one of the chairs. There was a tense moment of her being observed as if Lanie expected that the move was some form of distraction tactic or a way to stall, but Beckett didn't waver under the scrutiny. After that long silent moment, Lanie finally pulled out a chair near enough to carefully observe the nuances of Kate's expression. She was probably thinking she'd have to drag the information out of her or that she'd have to deal with half-truths and evasiveness.

Beckett shouldn't have been surprised, knowing that the ME knew her better than anybody, or better than most anyway. After this experience, Castle was probably far more intricately twined with her than Lanie and not just because they'd gotten physical. She watched her friend waiting, not so patiently, for an answer and just when she was sure Lanie was going to push, Kate finally started, "I've been having these dreams."

When she stopped there, Lanie's brow quirked up, her mouth tilting on one side as if she were humored, "Naughty dreams?" she teased.

Normally, that comment probably would have coaxed at least a smile from the detective, but at the moment she was thinking about all the things she had seen for so many consecutive days. She was looking back on it as if it were a dream and trying to remember how the Beckett of Monday would have approached something like this. She almost didn't remember who she was before Tuesday anymore, so wrapped up in this day that it was like everything else had faded.

She must have winced or otherwise displayed the direction of her thoughts, because Lanie's good humor quickly faded. "Kate," her tone managed to drag Beckett's thoughts back to the present, "What's going on?"

Taking a long deep breath, she thought back to the beginning, "We were at a raid, executing a warrant for arrest at a suspect's house. Esposito took the door down and we filed in. Ryan and Espo moved to one side of the apartment, Castle and I to the other. One moment I was sweeping a room and the Next Castle was tackling me to the ground just as a shot rang out. I knew the suspect was getting away, but Castle wouldn't move. It was as if he thought he could shield me from a danger that had already gone."

Lanie was smiling softly at her, but when she paused the other woman cut in. Apparently she thought that was the end of the story. "That's not surprising. It's something he's done before."

Kate felt pressure in her chest as if her heart were being squeezed tightly as she remembered the devastation of that first day. "I made some crack about him getting off me, or milking the moment or something, but he didn't move. I didn't really notice how heavy he was sprawled across my chest until the moment I realized he wasn't intentionally lying there."

"Oh, no." Lanie's eyes were wide as she watched Kate struggle. Even thinking it was just a dream her friend could empathize with the situation and her feelings on that moment.

"I pushed him off me, intent on going after the suspect," Beckett continued, "But then I realized what had happened."

"He was dead." Lanie said, a statement more than a question though the question was clearly implied, an attempt to move Beckett into further discussion when she paused.

Kate just shook her head, the feeling of grief clawed at her throat as the moment came back in startling clarity, "The bullet hit him in the throat. He was covered in blood, gushing from a wound too severe to survive for long and his eyes. . ." She choked on the word and had to take a moment to breathe. "He was looking at me as if begging me to do something, to help him. He couldn't speak because of the wound, but those blue eyes burned with fear and desperation as he sought me out." Kate shook her head as if to clear the image, but it didn't help. "I couldn't move. I was frozen, gripped by fear and the knowledge that there was nothing I could do to save him."

"It was just a dream, Kate." Lanie reassured her, but Beckett didn't want to hear it. She wanted to get this out and over with, but she was already certain she'd pick a different explanation than this one next time she told Lanie about her and Castle. This one was too raw, too much, too devastating.

Kate shook her head to cut her friend's reassurance off. "I knew he didn't have long, seconds, maybe a minute. The blood was leaving his body so fast. His jugular was blown open." She took a long breath and released it before she realized her gaze had fallen to the table and she raised her eyes back up to meet her friend's. "I didn't tell him it would be ok, lie or not it would have made him feel better. I didn't reassure him I'd look out for Alexis; that would have helped, too. I didn't tell him how I feel. I didn't even hold his hand. I watched him die scared and alone because I couldn't step to the plate when he needed me. Damn it, Lanie, I let him die practically begging me to make an effort and even in his final seconds I couldn't put myself out there."

"It. Was. A. Dream." Lanie enunciated each word clearly as if each was its own single statement, but the feelings from that day didn't dissipate. She looked away from the worried expression on her friend's face thinking that tomorrow she'd definitely find something a little less emotional to explain things to the other woman. Her eyes fell on her hands, clenched tightly together on the table and remained there for a long moment until she saw the darker hand of her friend cover her own. "What happened when you woke up?"

Kate let out a short bark of laughter that held as little humor as this entire conversation had, "It doesn't feel like I have."

"Oh, Kate." The ME responded with sympathy in her voice and a gentle squeeze of the detective's hand before pulling back from Beckett which drew her eyes up to meet the brown ones across from her. "Only he didn't die today."

"Not today." Kate agreed, though the words held far more weight for her than they possibly could for the woman she was addressing with such a cryptic comment.

"So, let me see if I've got this." Lanie started, a twinkle in her eye as they finally got to what was obviously her original intent: The interrogation. "You had a dream, then Castle got shot and together it made you realize you're done waiting for whatever the hell you'd been dragging your feet over?"

Thinking about what she'd actually done this morning to get over the previous day's 'nightmare', was enough to bring a subtle hint of pink to her cheeks and drop her gaze back to hands that were no longer clenched so tightly together. She pondered whether she'd find any kind of uplifting momentum in sharing that particular information with her friend and figured it really didn't matter either way. "Not… exactly."

Lanie's brow lifted an expression on her face as if she'd caught the barest hint of Kate's suggestion, "Then how was it," Then stressed her own word back to her, "exactly?"

Beckett could almost feel her eyes glazing over as her mind brought back images of how she'd spent the morning with him. "It was. . ." her mind searched for the right words, but no matter the myriad of images assaulting her from all their mornings and night together, she couldn't find a single word or statement that would encompass it all. She gave up even trying with a shrug and a small smile.

"Nuh-uh." Her friend was quick to step in, obviously feeling on the edge of finally getting something out of her. "You can't just shrug to end that sentence with _that_ look in your eyes. I don't need to know the details; Lord knows I'd still like to be able to look Writer Boy in the eyes after this little conversation, but. . ."

Kate listened to the implied question in the way Lanie trailed off and took a deep breath. "He was still asleep when I showed up, but Alexis was there." she felt the wistful smile that swept her when thoughts of the young woman and all the time they had spent together over the past several weeks came upon her just from mentioning her name. Forcing herself to wrap this up quickly in the hopes of gleaning enough of the subtle hints to make tomorrow's experience with the medical examiner a little more comfortable, Kate pushed forward. "We talked, I sort of got her blessing and then she left and I woke Castle up."

Lanie chuckled softly as she shook her head, the fall of her hair sweeping along her shoulders, but her eyes unrelentingly focused and full of good humor. Kate wondered briefly how she had gone so many days avoiding the other woman when her presence was almost a balm to her weary soul. "Now wait one minute." her friend broke the silence that was punctuated only by the subtle tapping of Beckett's fingers against the back of her hand and their breathing. "Isn't that a little backwards? Getting a daughter's blessing for her father?"

Kate felt the grin tug up one side of her mouth as she thought about it. The person she had been on Monday might have thought as much, but the one who knew the subtle insecurities of the teen in question saw nothing odd about it. "They're a package deal, Lanie."

She saw the softening of the M.E.'s eyes, but watched as that was quickly replaced with a mischievous grin as she brushed past that subject right to the next, "And how is the package?" she teased with a provocatively raised eyebrow.

Beckett fought the urge to laugh at the not-so-subtle segue or blush at the thoughts it engendered; instead she managed a quirked eyebrow of her own, "I thought you just said you didn't want to hear about his package."

Lanie's gaze became more intent, "Seriously, I don't." She shook her head as if emphasizing her point. "Just tell me what happened when you woke him up."

It was Kate's turn to feel her own rising mischievous spirit, "You just said you didn't want to hear about his package."

It took only a moment for Lanie to look at her with confusion and then slowly mounting understanding, "Did you just jump him or did you at least explain what you were doing waking him up first?"

Beckett gave a playful shrug and smirked, finally having a little bit of fun at her friend's expense. Perhaps there was something to living her life as if there really was no tomorrow. "Kind of hard to explain myself when my mouth was otherwise occupied."

That statement hit its mark immediately, she could tell by the way her friend's eyes widened in disbelief. "You didn't!" she gasped, to which Kate only gave a brief nod. "And the man didn't keel over of heart failure on the spot?" Lanie didn't wait for an answer, "Or did he try for the noble route of denying you?"

"He denied me nothing." she smirked, "Not in bed or later in the shower."

"The shower?" Lanie shook her head and closed her eyes as if imagining that, though she'd stated enough times that she didn't want to end up doing that exact thing. "Damn, girl, when you finally get your butt in gear you go full throttle, huh?"

Kate was about to remark with something witty, she was certain of it, but her mind went completely blank when the phone in her pocket began to ring. Pulling it out, she checked the caller ID and verified that the sinking feeling in her gut was regret.

Kearns had finally decided to call. Shooting Lanie an apologetic smile, she slid her finger along her touch screen to take the call, "Beckett." she answered, watching Lanie give a little wave as she rose and left the room, leaving Beckett alone as she waited on the direction this call would take.

x.x.x

A/N: I'm working 50+ hour weeks and have only had 1 day off in the past 3 weeks (yay Mother's Day), but shockingly found some time and inspiration to get another chapter out. Now I have to go to bed, up at 5:30am to go back to work again. Needless to say, I'm exhausted. Any mistakes are mine.

Meanwhile, I just realized how different the characters are now from when I started this almost a year ago. I've never had a story take more than a couple months, so thank you all for sticking it out and putting up with the delays.

Review that made my day: **Pinki616**, so many people expressed the sentiment and I appreciate that you're all very patient, but the way you put it made me smile. I appreciate the insight and faith. Thank you.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter Thirty

"Just got off with Kearns," Beckett remarked as she walked up to the guys standing around her desk space. "He's surprisingly anxious to see this through and will be here as soon as he can."

If she was surprised about how easy it all seemed to get the man to come to them, she wasn't feeling it. She knew she should be, but it didn't penetrate the fog of all her days piled upon each other. She missed any comments from Ryan or Esposito as she pulled out her seat and made herself comfortable, feeling more than a little out of place with nothing to do.

"You don't look thrilled." Castle remarked quietly as he took his own seat and struck a pose that, to her, was a little too forced casual.

Kate shrugged, apathy seeming to have taken over for any excitement this might have brought several weeks of Tuesday's ago. "I can't help thinking that none of it even matters." she finally managed to sum up the plaguing thoughts and was actually surprised to find that it wasn't nearly as hard to be clear and succinct as she might have originally imagined.

Rick's sympathetic expression and gentle smile weren't helping her mood any, and it didn't improve any over the interminable wait that seemed to follow the phone call. There was the same general noise and distraction amongst the teams, but it didn't penetrate the sense that this was just one more thing they would have to do over and over again. She was not looking forward to it. None of it was appealing anymore, but Kate knew they had reached a point where it was nearly hopeless to try.

Glancing at Rick beside her, she knew she'd have to put on a brave face and follow his seemingly unwavering enthusiasm. The smallest changes in their days had kept his spirits high while hers continued to fall. The sex was phenomenal, they were closer than they'd ever been, but there was so much missing. Just living this day had reminded her repeatedly that there were so many other people in their lives that were missing out on sharing all of these new experiences with them. It was enough to leave her melancholy, but she returned Rick's hopeful smile because there was no reason to drag down the only person who was on her side through all of this. There was no reason for both of them to be miserable.

The noise in the bullpen faded to nothing when the elevator doors pulled open to reveal the man who had haunted their days for so long. Kate's first impression was that he looked decidedly unthreatening today. Kearns was clean-shaven as she had never seen him, his hair still longer than his DMV photos, but combed back neatly where it had always seemed so unkempt before. The man striding toward her with a tentative smile was a far cry from the psychopath they had encountered on so many days previous.

Kate let her gaze shift from him for a brief glance to note that Castle was having a similar reaction to seeing the man who had entered their space. After the shared look of confusion, her gaze moved back to take in the man's clothes and demeanor. He moved with understated grace, his clothes appearing to hang on his body illustrated the strain of the past months in the loss of weight since they had fit him properlhy. Remarkably, though, the shirt was clean and wrinkle-free, the light blue color offsetting the man's features to make him seem almost to be a different person than the one they had met so many times before.

It wasn't until they had reached her desk that she realized he was being escorted by a uniformed officer who gave her an odd look as he introduced the man. Beckett realized she had been standing there, staring at him as he approached. Breaking back into what she had taken as a role playing game whenever she had to pretend she didn't know the things she had already discovered, lived through, or experienced, she greeted the man before her. "Mr. Kearns?" she asked, surprised in her newfound ability to inflect a casualness to her tone that was nothing but a lie.

"Yes, ma'am." He replied, quietly polite. "Thank you for calling me."

Kate managed what she hoped was a reassuring smile, as she gestured him towards a small conference room. She knew the three men who always had her back would be following closely behind them as she walked almost shoulder to shoulder with her personal nightmare and tried to maintain some form of emotional detachment from the situation. "We appreciate you coming down." She informed him, before shifting her gaze over her shoulder, briefly noting the tension in Rick's face before her eyes landed on Esposito and dropped to make sure he'd grabbed their fabricated mug shot book. "Please, have a seat." She informed Kearns as they moved into the room and she made brief introductions of the other three men.

Within minutes, they had the man flipping through the mug shot book they had scattered pictures of the dead men throughout. It wasn't long before Kearns' face turned to stone, his eyes cold and fierce in an expression she finally recognized on the man.

His hand was steady as he pointed to the first of the pictures they had planted. None of the men had been arrested in several years; some appeared far different when they died than their outdated young mug shots. They had done their best to mock-up mug shots that looked more like the men as they'd looked only months ago when Kearns had met up with them, instead of the half dozen or more years prior when they had been arrested last. He may have seen them in a previous mug shot book and never even considered them thanks to the ravages of time on their features and changes in their appearances.

It didn't take him long to pick his way through the book and bring his attention back up to her across the table from him. "There were two others." He remarked, his eyes once again softening out of the hatred that had taken his features as he'd flipped through the pages.

"We think we may have them in custody." She replied easily, noting the relief sweeping the older man's features. Her gaze moved to meet Ryan's as she addressed him, giving Kearns a moment to himself, "Get them ready for the line-up."

It didn't take long before the other detective was back and they all moved silently to a viewing room. Within minutes, the door opened on the other side of the glass and men were lead through in a line.

"Two and five." Kearns stated with certainty before they could even have each man step forward for a closer look. Still, Kate watched as Ryan put each man through the paces of identification while she confirmed Kearns' certainty.

As the men filed back out of the room on the other side, an anguished voice filled the room as Kearns spoke, "They laughed, you know?"

While Kate had read the police file often enough to know the sickening details of his wife's brutal murder, hearing about it from the man who had filled her life with terror and despair was even more shocking than she could have imagined. Perhaps it was the humanizing of this person who had become only a monster to her after so many days of pain and fear.

"The third one in that book?" he inquired, his eyes desolate as they sought out her confirmation and understanding. Her nod acknowledged his statement while inside she thought about how the third man in the mug shots had been the first victim of the killing spree. "He smiled as he took his knife to her, explaining he would cut her every time I closed my eyes."

Kearns squeezed his eyes shut in that moment, as if fighting his mind from bringing the sights back to him. "He made sure I would watch, but some things I couldn't help but cringe from. Her screams, even muffled through the hand over her mouth, drew my eyes back open almost immediately, but the damage was done. Little by little until they were finished with the both of us and she lay there, bleeding too severely to be helped and I was left feeling responsible for every cut, every slash. It was my fault, because I couldn't stop myself from looking away while they. . ." his voice choked off abruptly as emotion grated roughly through his throat.

Silence descended on the room, the suspect's ragged, painful sounding breaths the only discernible noise for several long moments. "Do you have enough to make them pay for what they did?" he asked, his chin tilted to indicate the now empty room where the two men had stood moments before.

"They've already admitted to being there." she replied. Feeling the steel in his glare as she didn't answer his question, Kate elaborated, "We have more than enough."

"Good." Kearns replied, his voice breaking over the single syllable before he seemed to rein himself in tightly. His shoulders moved back into a more confident position, his head came up, chin leveled with the floor instead of angled towards it. He morphed almost instantly from the broken man before them to the man she had seen on many occasions.

Watching their suspect unfold from his grief so quickly would have been shocking if she hadn't known who this man was. Still, it was more than a little troubling to watch the sorrow bleed from his eyes and the cold dead of anger and hatred fill into the spaces left behind. "I killed the others." His tone had gone so quickly from quiet sorrow to hard and contemptuous, but his words were unmistakable. "Now that you've finally gotten around to doing your damned jobs, you don't need me to do it for you anymore, do you?"

There was more, she knew there was from the movement of his mouth, Ryan's Esposito's, and the calm way the suspect was cuffed and lead away, but none of it seemed to penetrate the fog that had lowered over her in that moment. While some part of her knew that being upset a case had closed with so few words and such a quick, almost easy, confession was more than a little wrong, she couldn't help wondering how they'd do it differently the next time around.

His words reverberated in her skull for a long time after that moment, heating her blood with the kind of righteous fury that always swept her when she had to face other detective's cases and they had dropped the ball so completely. She worked the job every day and knew as well as anyone what the caseload was like, how hard it was to find enough hours in the day to get everything done, but that didn't excuse this level of sloppy. She was ashamed to say she shared the same profession with those who had so poorly managed the Kearns murder in the first place. The gang cops should have been able to pinpoint at least one of the gang members in all this time, but they had instead let the case grow cold while someone else delivered the justice where they had been obligated to find it and provide peace.

She knew what it was like not to have anyone actually looking for the right answers, and there was no saying that if she had been able to get her hands on the information she wanted or been pointed in the right direction, she could have ended up just like this man. Feeling as if his hand had been forced, he had taken it upon himself to provide his own swift justice.

"It's not the same, you know?" She didn't realize she had been left alone with him until Castle's hands settled on her shoulders and pulled her back against his chest. "You wouldn't have turned into him, even if you did know who you were looking for."

In all the weeks of Tuesdays they spent together, she still hadn't gotten used to him being able to practically take up residence inside her head like he was capable of seeing through to her innermost thoughts. "You don't know that." she argued for the sake of disagreeing with him, though some small part of her was aware of the logic that lived behind that statement.

"Of course I do." he remarked easily, as if his faith in her was a given.

It should have been reassuring, but knowing how he felt about her left her skeptical of his ability to see the dark and ugly truth that seemed so clear to her. "Then maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do."

The body heat hit her first, a split second before his arms came around her from behind and tugged her tight against his chest. She felt his breath on her neck a moment before the light flutter of his lips passed over the same spot in a ghost of a kiss. His words floated up to her, "You've always wanted justice. You believe in it. You live and breathe it, Beckett." His tone was earnest, but full of faith and more than a little love. She might have thought him to be a little biased on the subject of her, but his words rang in her head with a certainty that eased the ache in her chest.

Kate felt him stiffen when her hands moved to his forearms and pushed them away from her. She turned in time to catch the flash of hurt in his eyes before he could mask it. His relief was clear when she didn't step away and instead wrapped her arms around his neck and brought her lips up to meet his for a fleeting moment. "I'm inclined to believe you, but I'm a little worried you might be seeing me through eyes blinded by your feelings."

Castle's grin was boyish and teasing as he dropped a quick kiss on the tip of her nose, "I could have told you the same thing years ago, Kate. I didn't love you then." His tone was gentle and soothing, which didn't explain the sparkle of amusement in his eyes. Of course, she should have known better than to take the man at face value, "Of course," he continued, his lips tipping up into a smile, "My opinion may have been swayed by other factors then, though."

She shoved playfully at his chest, but his hands at her waist kept him right there in front of her. "What?" he asked, mock hurt lacing his voice, "You know I always thought you were hot. That may have swayed me into agreeing with you."

She couldn't help herself, she smiled up at him. "You knew it wouldn't have gotten you anywhere." she teased.

"You know where I want things to go from here?" he asked, the suggestive tone in his voice had her raising an eyebrow at him. "Not bed. Woman, get your mind out of the gutter." He heaved a large sigh as if that had been the furthest thing from his mind. "I think we need to shake things up a bit more, today has been a nice change of pace."

"What did you have in mind? I'm not locking the doors and letting you take me right here." she teased, fighting a smile when his eyes heated with sudden intensity.

"I could let you take me." he offered, then held his hands up in surrender at her glare. "Kidding. Kidding." he offered unnecessarily, though his expression gave away that he wouldn't turn her down if she offered. "Let's have a case closed party, call the boys over, Lannie. I bet your dad would come."

That sounded about like the last thing she wanted to do, but the expectation in his face was enough to sway her and she answered with a nod before leaning in to take his lips with her own. She took an extra moment to lean into his heat, pivot her hips against the front of him in an erotic glide meant to make him think twice next time he wanted to interrupt their private time with thoughts of having a house full of people.

When she finally pulled away from him, Castle's eyes were half closed and he looked more than a little dazed. "I'll let Lanie know, you can tell the guys." she smirked watched him step back to lean heavily against the wall. He wasn't going to be following after her for at least a few minutes.

x.x.x

A/N: So, since we last spoke I got a promotion at work and have been incredibly busy learning all about my new job. It's exciting and I can see my career track folding out in front of me in all its white collar glory. Unfortunately, so many brain cells at use in that have left me drained and unimaginative. I'm glad to be back and hope to continue soon, but make no promises in that regard, only apologies for the delays.

Review that made my day: **The prodders,** you know who you are... you tapped me on the shoulder when it had been a month, two months, etc. and asked "Hey, where are you?" Guess what, it's November and NaNoWriMo is in force. I may have a story I'm excited to get down, but with the time set aside for writing I hope to also wrap this up completely by month end... Here's hoping I can. Considering where we are in the story I have a bit of confidence we'll make it... but we'll see.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter Thirty-One

The doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of the first guest for dinner. They had decided on not doing anything extravagant, but Alexis had wanted to have a hand in things once she found out what was going on so they put Castle on door duty as they tackled a simple pasta and salad.

Rick had changed into casual clothes and hadn't bothered to don his shoes over his socks. Kate watched him skid the last couple feet on the wood floor and couldn't fight the smile that split her face at how this man seemed to find such pleasure in the simple things.

When she turned back to the tomatoes she had been cutting, she caught Alexi watching her with an approving look in her eyes and she couldn't help feeling warmth all over at the thought that somehow she had ended up lucky enough to not only fall for a great guy, but like his family as well. That, of course, in this situation was a necessity considering what there was of his family actually lived under the same roof as him.

The door opened to reveal Ryan and Jenny were the first to arrive. She wasn't surprised, Ryan was the five minutes early over being fashionably late type and Beckett found herself looking forward to actually spending some time with Jenny. She decided not to let it matter that no one would remember this tomorrow and put her focus instead on having a good time. "Hey, Jenny, come help Alexis and me with dinner, I think Rick wants to show Ryan his toys even though I told him that a grown man owning a remote control helicopter is nothing to brag about."

Jenny smile at her, apparently grateful to be welcomed in a way that completely broke the ice of the new environment and Ryan gave her a brief wave in greeting. Castle, however, looked put upon. "It's not just any helicopter," she heard him explaining to Ryan as he lead the other man out of the living room with one final playful glare in her direction as if she'd just kicked his puppy.

A few minutes later, the three women had developed an easy rhythm in the kitchen when the door sounded again. She waited a moment for Rick to get it, since it had been the only job they gave him for the night, but when he didn't appear from his office where he had wandered moments before she called out to him, "Castle, door."

His voice was full of humor as it came back to her, "I'm too busy playing with my toys." he replied, but he found his way out to greet their guests despite his grumbling. They shared a smile as he passed before she went back to stirring the sauce and then picked up her glass of wine to join back in conversation with the other two women.

She had to break away a few minutes later when her dad arrived and wouldn't be relegated to Joining Ryan and Esposito in looking over Castle's squadron of remote control vehicles. At least, not until he'd secured a hug and a warm greeting from her. To her surprise, by the time Lanie had arrived, Castle had roped all the guys, her dad included, into running time trials through an improvised track that included passing through the kitchen where the food had finished cooking and was being kept warm while the women chatted around glasses of wine.

She felt a warm contentment that she didn't allow thoughts of tomorrow to impede on and actually found more than a little to laugh about in the odd assortment that was this group of very different women, even before Martha decided to make an appearance.

The older woman's return from her acting studio seemed to mark the end of the race cars as well as the gender separation and they all mingled in what felt like the neutral territory between kitchen and office while they participated in transferring food and plates to the dining table.

Dinner left her cheeks sore from smiling and her side with the pleasant ache of too much laughter. Wine flowed as freely as conversation and she caught eyes with Castle several times hoping she was capable of passing on her appreciation for this idea. By the time they finished, with everyone pitching in to haul plates and empty dishes to the kitchen, she had managed to shake off every negative feeling that had dogged her for the day and couldn't stop herself from the pleasurable feelings of contentment that came from having everyone together.

Their friends were being corralled by Martha and Alexis into the task of cleaning up, and, despite their good natured rumbling, they were all pitching in. To her surprise, she caught the look Martha sent her way and realized it was a calculated effort as she had been left standing alone with Castle and her dad.

"Hey, Dad," she remarked casually, "Did I ever tell you about the laser tag set Rick and Alexis have?" She didn't wait for a response; instead she looped an arm around his elbow to lead him in the right direction while simultaneously holding a hand out to Castle.

He gave her an odd look and in that moment she saw a hint of the young man he once was, a little nervous tension of that "meet the parents" moment, despite the fact that he had already met her father. Still, it was an oddly long moment before he took the step separating them and placed his hand in hers.

"Laser tag, huh?" her father asked easily, though she could see he'd noted the gesture, but to her relief, seemed pleased more than anything by it.

Castle must have picked up on the lack of tension, because suddenly his pace increased and he was leading them towards the closet where he kept them hung up for quick access. "Yeah, Alexis loves it, something we've done together forever."

"You play, Katie?" he asked and for a moment she thought to answer yes, but that was a day that didn't actually exist so she wasn't sure how to answer the question and shot a look in Castle's direction.

She fell just a little more in love with him as he easily laughed at that suggestion. Then he stepped past her and dipped his head towards her father, he lowered his voice, but wasn't actually excluding her, just teasing in a way that she found utterly endearing. "She's banned for being a trained professional."

Watching her father embrace the amusing situation and the odd shift in her and Castle's relationship warmed her through. No matter how many times they had to go through today again, she would be grateful in the knowledge that not only her friends were accepting of the fact that they were making a go of what all their time together has led to, but that her father seemed to actually approve of the situation.

She was so absorbed in the pleasantness of those thoughts that she almost missed the challenging tilt of her father's lips. "I bet my daughter and I could take you and yours." he taunted, spurring a surprising sound of intense humor from her at Rick's appalled expression.

"Hardly." he insisted instantly, already forgetting the ban he'd placed on her after their last shoot out. "Name the time and we'll mop the floor with you, old man."

For one intense moment, she thought Castle might actually swallow his tongue when her realized what he'd said and to whom, but then her father started laughing and it was a sound she hadn't heard in such strong force in so long that she felt the warm tingling pressure of tears. The sensation only lasted through the next round of the two most important men in her life trash talking each other as if they were professional wrestlers and then the humor took over.

"Enough, guy." she cut in when she decided they had insulted each other enough for one night. "Settle it like men on a field of battle this weekend." she told them with all the authority of her position as lead detective thrown behind the words.

"You're on, Becketts." the plural rolled off his tongue as if it were a distasteful sound in his mouth as Castle's gaze took them both in, then he turned on a heel and headed away from them, probably to clear the idea with Alexis.

She looked up to see that her dad had been watching her as she watched Castle walk away and he hadn't lost the bemused smile on his face. "So, Katie," he started. "You seem happy."

Kate's smile grew wider at the simplicity of that statement and she stepped into her dad's space to wrap her arms around him and settle into a long familiar embrace, "You, too, Dad." she spoke against his cheek.

"A little surprised, too." he remarked with a low chuckle as they broke apart. "Wasn't two weeks ago you weren't seeing anybody and now I find you're in what seems like a pretty serious relationship."

Kate felt the familiar guilt that came from thoughts of even lying to her father, but she shrugged it off considering today was the first day they'd ever been together, so two weeks to her dad wasn't two weeks as she knew it. "We've been friends a long time." she gave, knowing the answer was vague, but there was nothing to it.

Her father seemed to consider her for a long moment before smiling as if in memory and she wondered if she'd get that same story from him again. It never materialized; instead he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and started to lead her back towards everyone else. "I'm proud of you, Baby Girl."

Kate gave a brief huff as if she were offended by his calling her a baby, but more to cover the emotion she felt creeping up to tighten her throat. She was going to ask him why, but had to settle for an expression that asked the question in place of actually using a voice she wasn't entirely confident about coming across clearly.

She took a long moment just to observe her father in the silence that stretched between them. There was a light in his eyes that she hadn't seen in a very long time, something to do with a loosening in the normally tense muscles around them that softened the color, the more relaxed set of his brows and the lightening of the fan of wrinkles in the corners. She hadn't considered how intently she always watched him in settings like this dinner gathering where there were people drinking all around him, but even then he'd seemed relaxed and at ease. Kate wondered why she hadn't noticed it before this moment.

"I'm proud of you, too." she remarked finally when she found her voice and watched those wrinkles beside his eyes deepen with his grin as he chuckled. "Don't laugh, I'm serious. It's been a long time since I really thought about it, but you've come such a long way." His eyes softened as he took in her proud smile.

"I had a lot of help to get here." Jim remarked meaningfully, his eyes somehow conveying both his pride in her and his shame with himself.

Kate leaned in to kiss his cheek, telling him softly, "I'm sorry."

When his hands grasped her shoulders and pushed her gently away from him she quirked a brow in question, "You don't have anything to be sorry about, Katie."

The confusion on his face was an odd expression behind the bemusing smile. Kate reached up to place her palm along the side of her dad's face, registering, probably for the first time, the way his skin had changed texture. His skin, aged with delicate wrinkles, soft beneath her fingers, felt almost loose against the familiar bone structure there. "I never understood how much you went through when Mom died." she started, fighting off the instinct to push away from the topic at hand because there were things that she needed to say despite how uncomfortable they made her. Things her dad needed to hear.

"I was only a teenager, but I was grown and I shouldn't have thought that I could lean on you when you were suffering just as much as I was. I got so angry and it wasn't all about the drinking, it was because I felt like I'd lost the both of you at the same time, but I never took the time to consider what it meant to you, what you'd lost." Tears glistened in her father's eyes and he started to look uncomfortable, but she pushed on because it had to be said. "I should have seen that she was the other half of you and without her you were a lot more lost than I have ever been. When she died, you fell apart and I always resented you a little bit for that, but I dedicated myself to a goal and I moved forward. I never even thought that you wouldn't be able to."

Kate took a long shaky breath, not surprised to find a tear tracking down her cheek when she blinked. "I judged you with the heart of a child looking to her father, but now I can see you as a man who loved Mom more than you knew what to do with once she was gone. And for all the trouble I put you through in that time, all the crap I gave, even for all the things I thought in my bitterness, despite having never said them out loud, I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I understand now, I know how much it took from you to lose her, how you lost yourself in your grief for a while is completely understandable."

Jim's hand came up to cover hers on his cheek and their gazes held for a long moment, sharing a smile and the acknowledgement that they had made some kind of huge step in their relationship. Things had never been able to get back to the closeness they'd shared with each other before her mom's death, but Kate had a good feeling that being able to lay her forgiveness and her past bitterness at his feet was a good step in the right direction towards them making reparations for the past and building something for the future.

She couldn't believe how light she felt just getting that off her chest and after a long moment she had to laugh with the sheer joy of having a little bit of that connection back that she had put out of her mind enough that she didn't long for it any more. She knew now that she had missed him desperately and there were good days ahead to look forward to.

Finally, Jim reached up to stroke the tear off her cheek and they shared a reassuring smile and seemed to decide together that it was time to join her friends and co-workers in the living room. As they drew towards Castle, who seemed to be taking bets on the laser tag battle already, she shared a smile of gratitude with him for opening her eyes to all the things that she had been blinding herself to for so long.

Alexis pulled her phone out of her pocket and gave the little screen a funny look before heading towards the coffee table. Grabbing up the remote she flipped the TV on and then entered a number Beckett recognized as one of the cable news channels. She was surprised to see the shaky footage a moment before the tag line running along the bottom of the screen registered.

There, on the large plasma in Castle's living room, she watched his last mad dash through the crowd to sweep up a little girl from the street. The angle of the camera showed just how close the front bumper came to both of them. Seeing the girl's face, serene with her focus on something off camera, not aware of the danger coming from behind her, tight ringlets of hair that caught the light and surrounded her little cherub face, bouncing softly as she turned her head towards the commotion. Then she was gone, swept into the arms of a man much larger than her, swooped out of the road just as the car barreled past.

Then the man turned, though she knew what she would see and everyone else in the room probably had a good idea considering the words scrolling across the bottom of the screen proclaimed Richard Castle a hero and listed the bare minimum of facts from the scene. Still, the sight of him as he turned away from the street, eyes wide with fear, but also shining with triumph for what he'd done met the gaze of someone off camera and she almost gasped at the expression pouring from his face and eyes. She knew that the look had been towards her, but she hadn't noticed it at the time, so swept up in the moment.

The video continued as he kept the child's face averted from the people swamping them and hustled her into a cab, paid the driver and blocked the window until they'd started to drive away. It was a shockingly poignant video, but she had the sudden thought that Alexis might not see it that way.

However, when Kate looked in the girl's direction, there was no reproach in her eyes, just the gentle love that always shone there and a good deal of hero worship. She'd always known, despite the way Alexis talked to her dad as if she were the grown up, that he was a man she looked up to, but to see her shining eyes reflecting up at him as if she'd never seen him before, as if he had morphed into something more than the amazing person she had already known, made a warm sensation burst to life in Beckett's chest. She loved that girl.

The news anchor came on, cracking a lame joke about how Castle was more known for killing people than saving them, another mentioned his work with the NYPD and then they cut to a reporter, live on the scene of another location in Manhattan.

"This is Megan Tully reporting live from the scene of an apartment fire earlier this afternoon." Kate almost groaned as she realized what this story meant on the tail end of the previous one. Sure enough, the sight of her and Castle helping the elderly woman out of her apartment was on a similarly shaky video from some other person's cell phone.

"Damn, guys, decide you wanted to be super heroes today or what?" Esposito asked as the report wrapped up and they switched to some feel good piece about pandas at the zoo.

"Happenstance." Castle replied brushing it off casually as he shared a look with Beckett.

"I'm not buying it." Lanie countered, shooting a look at Beckett that said she wanted the whole story.

"No, in this case Castle is on the money." she confirmed, "We were headed to grab coffee and happened along the almost accident and the fire was something we were driving past when we saw the smoke."

Castle nodded, "Someone coming out mentioned the older woman as they were leaving the building as if they had just remembered that she was hard of hearing."

"That explains the smell when you came into the precinct today." Ryan commented, and then the jokes began.

Kate felt the warmth of her friends' thoughts and approval in the moments that followed, and together they shared the experiences of the day, of past days, and thoughts of the future well into the night. It was one of those experiences that she wasn't likely to forget, even if this time tomorrow everyone else might. She hadn't been able to let herself free to feel as much as she had over the last couple of hours and it induced a warm sense of contentment as their guests finally left and Castle was left the only man in a room full of the three closest women in his life. She had a moment to feel sorry for him being so outmatched by the Estrogen Brigade, but then they were both being shooed out of his apartment on some weird excuse that Rick should "drive her home" said in a way that implied they didn't expect to see him again until morning.

Knowing that she still wasn't entirely comfortable being with him at his apartment when his family was around, even knowing that where they were together wouldn't change the way that it was interpreted by his family. It was a relief to bid the two women good night and the warmth that had suffused her heart in those hours with friends and family, expanded just a little further as one after the other Martha and then Alexis pulled her into a warm hug. Martha's was welcoming and felt like a home coming, Alexis' felt a little more awkward, but Kate couldn't stop herself from whispering, "You're amazing." to the teenager who returned the sentiment on a huff of laughter.

Thinking about the cab ride they would have to endure before she could get him all to herself was not a fun consideration, but at the same time, the anticipation building between them was something altogether wild. She'd had this man in more ways than she could even think about right now, but for some reason she wanted him with the same urgent ache that had been there from the first. If she was to be completely honest with herself it was the same desperation that had been there for a lot longer than just this series of Tuesdays.

The city passed by the window outside in blurs of color, flashes of light and shadows so deep and dark there was no hope to see what was contained in them. Rick held her hand against his thigh, his thumb drawing little patterns on the back and his muscles tensed beneath her touch as if he were just as anxious as she was. When she glanced in his direction, she saw that his attention was focused out the window as hers had been and from the set of his jaw and the soft smile curving his lips she was pretty certain that his thoughts were running somewhere along the same vein as her own.

x.x.x

A/N: So... I have been working 6 days a week for months now, haven't had more than a day off at a time since December and since I look at a computer all day at work, I haven't even opened my laptop since NaNoWriMo wrapped up in November. I apologize for the delays, but now that I'm back home from a nice vacation and starting a couple days of staycation, I'm hoping to wrap up this story so you guys aren't left hanging any longer.

Review that made my day: **The Patient and Persistent,** you are all great and I'm so grateful for your patience and the gentle prodding along the way. Every time I got a reminder or new review I felt a little sick with the delays in posting, but you have all been so awesome considering how incredibly long this story has been sitting out here unfinished. Thank you. Seriously, it is all appreciated.

Thanks to everyone for reading.


	32. Chapter 32

Chapter Thirty-Two

Despite her knowledge that this day would wash away from the minds of their friends and family as easily as so many had before, the warmth and contentment of the evening carried her through the cab ride home. Her heart beat in heavy thumps as anticipation built with more landmarks signaling their approach to her apartment. The last block was spent in a tense silence as Castle's fingers grasped her own in a tighter hold and the muscles in his thigh bunched beneath their joined hands.

Despite how many nights, mornings or days they had spent exploring the maddening chemistry between them, these moments of anticipation seemed just as feral and desperate as they had been that first morning together. Becket wondered if this feeling rushing through her might ever fade, but she couldn't bring herself to care. In fact, the idea that he burned himself under her skin more with each time they came together felt more right than she had ever thought possible. Even the fear she had let hold her back from diving into something so deeply compelling and fraught with the potential for emotional devastation, was no longer a consideration.

Having seen the man beside her die in more ways than she cared to think about, was enough to force her to admit that having him with the possible inevitability of losing him was a far better outcome to the alternative. A life without him as her partner in every sense of the word was not much of a life at all. Knowing herself and her fears as she so intimately did, this was something she had struggled with far too desperately, but these past months had taught her more about herself than she would have thought possible.

Thinking about going back to her life before she had allowed that wall to fall away from her heart made her stomach churn with the same sick feeling that gripped it in painful spasms when she had seen Rick's lifeless body on too many Tuesdays. She couldn't even remember that woman who had shielded herself away for fear of being hurt as she had when her mother was murdered. Beckett's eyes sought out Castle's in the dim interior of the cab as the realization swept through her that this man had been a part of her long before they had ever become intimate. Letting her guard down to his unwavering support, confidence and all those teasing smiles had been the first step, but this moment felt like coming to the end of a journey too long in the making.

She'd known she loved him, knew he felt the same, they had even expressed those emotions on so many occasions over the past several months of Tuesdays together, but nothing had felt quite like this. It was as if they were suspended in a moment that was just the two of them. The darkened cab, the noisy streets, all sights and sounds and sensation fell away. All she saw was Castle, the soft smile on his lips, the passion burning in his eyes, the tension of anticipation in every point her body made subtle contact with his. Kate leaned into him, in that moment giving herself up to the feelings coursing through her.

Her lips met his almost tentatively, though they had known the feel of each other so many times before. The tender pressure of flesh on flesh with no heated demand or forceful persuasion was almost new. The feelings let free within her certainly made others before this moment pale in comparison. Castle's breath hitched slightly as if he, too, sensed the changes in her and she could tell by the subtle tremble in his fingers that he was experiencing this moment in the same vivid way that she was.

She turned slightly so that her free hand could move to his face, settling along his jaw in a gesture that she felt him mirror as his own palm settled lightly against her skin. She broke the gentle pressure of their kiss, but put only enough space between them for her eyes to focus on his across a breath of space in the darkness.

She couldn't see him clearly in the dim interior, but her mind brought his image to her so unmistakably it was as if he were standing before her in the bright light of day. "I love you." she whispered into the scant space and watched as his expression softened. It was as if she had never said it before, every time he held a look of wonder and satisfaction in those moments, but this time his eyes shifted to something even more poignant and she knew he recognized in the moment everything that she had felt and saw it for the differences that were there.

He had no verbal response to that, as if she had knocked the words out of his head as much as the air from his lungs as she felt his ragged exhalation against her lips moments before he returned the gentle pressure she had used with his own mouth. Her eyes fell closed and she lost herself in the tender moment for several seconds.

She registered the moment that Castle slipped slightly away from her, but Kate only found her way back to reality when she felt the subtle kiss of a cool summer breeze brush her skin through the open door of the cab. Castle paid the driver before extending his hand to help her from the vehicle, but he didn't release his light grasp as they made their way inside.

Once they were through the doors of her apartment, he let their hands fall apart so she could turn to lock up behind them. He didn't keep his distance, though. As soon as she had thrown the tumbler for the deadbolt, the heat of his body pressed against her back as a hand came up to sweep her hair to the side so his lips could settle along the slope of her neck.

Warm breath ghosted across the sensitive skin of her neck a moment before gentle lips settled there. "I know you hate this." he remarked, though at the moment she could think of nothing about that gesture she could possibly find fault with. "I wish I could tell you that we'll find a way out of this, that eventually we'll make it through this day unscathed and everything will be ok."

"I know." she replied, more to the soothing tone in his voice than the words themselves. The carful pressure of his body against hers, warm and alive, was comforting at the same time that it built the other emotions that had been boiling under the surface as they'd ridden through the darkened city in the back of the cab.

"I don't know if you really do." he replied, releasing a heavy sigh against her skin before stepping back enough to turn her towards him. Rick's hands settled, one against her hip, the other gently along her jaw as he drew her gaze to meet his, though she didn't need the physical action to accomplish that instinctive motion. "Every single day that I get to look at you like this, see your eyes burn up as they return these emotions that have been buried inside me for so long," he swallowed heavily and shook his head as if he didn't know quite how to finish the thought. "It's a gift, Kate."

Kate let her hand drift up to cover the one he held against her cheek and raised her other to cover his heart. The steady thump beneath her palm and the conflicted emotion in his face brought the sting of tears to her eyes, but she forced them back. "I know." she replied again. "As much as I hate everything else about this day and everything we have to go through, nothing is more important to me than to know that I have you by my side." The emotion welled in her again, but she couldn't fight it back in time to stop the catch in her voice as she continued. "I couldn't have made it this far without you." she informed him, surprised with herself that it was the first time she had put that thought into words. "You keep me going when all I want to do it give up. Your faith in me gives me the strength to be the person you see me as."

The strain of emotion in his features was an odd contrast to the slight chuckle he released at that statement. "You've been doing the same for me for years now."

She had to smile at that and the idea that he thought there was something in her that helped to make him a better person. Knowing they had the ability to bring out the best in each other was just one more positive for the idea that she was doing the right thing by taking a chance on them together. After so long a time, there was nothing left for her to deny his right to the place he had carved in her heart.

She brought her lips up to meet his in a soft sweep before pulling back to meet his eyes. "Take me to bed, Castle." she whispered into the space between them.

With a smile so full of tender emotion that she felt choked up all over again, he laced his fingers with hers and together they moved towards her room.

x.x.x

**5:45 am**

The alarm on the bedside table beeped, jarring her out of what had been a peaceful sleep. Her eyes opened slowly and from her position, lying on her side, she just watched the little dot beside the numbers on the face of her clock as it blinked in time with the beeping. Another day and she immediately didn't feel like facing it.

Instead of reaching out to silence the sound that got progressively louder the longer she waited, she just stared at that blinking dot. She couldn't help thinking about all she had been through and wondering, for what had to be the thousandth time, what she could do to change things.

She was still staring at the numbers, now reading 5:46 when she felt the pressure and heat against her back as a masculine arm reached across her to flip the alarm off before settling around her waist and pulling her back flush against the presence behind her. His lips settled against the side of her neck with gentle teasing motions before sliding up to plant a kiss behind her ear.

Kate's heart raced as the knowledge of what this meant settled onto her and tears filled her eyes, falling silently. Joy and relief mingled and fought for dominance of her emotions as she turned to face him and pulled his mouth to hers.

The salty tears against their mouths could have been from either one of them, but she couldn't seem to stop them nor could she find the will to care. Nothing could ever be as sweet as this moment, waking to find him there with her, and knowing that the endless string of Tuesdays had finally passed.

Gasping through the intense emotions, she finally had to pull her lips free to breathe. Kate buried her face against his neck, giving in to the broken sobs that overpowered her and left her shaking in the circle of his arms. She didn't know how many mornings she had woken hating that she may never see this one, knowing that to be stuck in that Tuesday could be her own version of Hell on Earth. She'd lost count weeks before, but they had likely spent ten months, maybe even a year, in that limbo. Every day the same and so full of pain and fear that she thought this sudden release of intense emotion might be what soldiers felt after finally coming home from a long deployment in some hostile territory.

She didn't know how much time had passed while she lay shaking and crying her joy at this moment, but his calming tone finally reached her ears as his soothing reassurances were repeated. There was a gravely note to his voice from having just woke that sent a shiver of something more than relief along her spine, chasing the fingers that rubbed gentle circles against her back as he continued to whisper into her hair, "It's alright, everything is going to be alright." alternated with other phrases of comfort and reassurance.

The tears finally halted. Despite the fact that she probably looked a mess of swollen eyes and tear-streaked cheeks, when she pulled away to meet his eyes all she saw there was a reflection of her own happiness and the love he had been telling her he felt for her. The look in his eyes was more intense than ever, as if he was finally allowing himself to feel it at its fullest and she realized that he had been holding back and hurting through all those days right alongside her.

He may not have expressed his frustration the same way she had, but it was obvious that it had worn him down to keep the eternal optimism that she had found so annoying at the time. Now it was clear to her that he'd been putting on a front for her sake.

After the silence had stretched on for so long that she'd begun to think she might be dreaming, she found herself asking, "Is it really over?"

He shrugged, though she felt it more than saw it with her eyes still locked on his own. "It's not Tuesday anymore, if that's what you're asking." Then he was grinning, despite the sheen of tears she could see in his own eyes and she could do nothing but grin back, a big, stupid smile that probably looked ridiculous with her red, swollen eyes.

Kate didn't know who started laughing, but the first hint of it had them both succumbing to a fit of giggles as the waves of relief continued to wash over both of them. The realization that the nightmare was finally over, would have knocked her down if she hadn't been lying in bed already.

As if that thought was the reminder she needed to note that she had finally found herself waking in bed with Castle, warm, alive, and gloriously naked, the laughter died as she turned more fully into the contact of his body. Her mouth met his in a kiss so full of promise and delight that neither seemed capable of removing the smiles from their faces despite how it limited the range of motion in their kiss.

"God, I love you." he breathed against her lips a moment before he shifted their bodies and entered her in one long slow stroke that finally succeeded in knocking the smiles off their faces as they shared a heated look before diving into another passionate kiss. He moved slowly as if savoring this moment together while their eyes stayed locked and their bodies shifted and built towards a climax so familiar and yet so new all at the same time.

It took her several minutes to remember why this moment was so different and then she was pushing him away from her, shifting her hips so that his body was no longer a part of her own. Castle moved off of her, his eyes heavy lidded with desire, but plagued with questions and an intensity that had her worrying that he thought she was done with him now that the repetitive Tuesday was finally over.

With a gentle caress of his cheek she gave him a reassuring smile before she turned away from him to rummage through the top drawer of her bedside table. When she rolled back towards him with a triumphant smile and the little foil package in hand he gave her a puzzled look.

"What's that?" he asked, his eyebrow rising incrementally as she used her teeth to tear the package open since one of her hands was too busy exploring the plains of his chest to help the other with the task at hand.

It was her turn to cock an eyebrow at him, "Certainly you've seen a condom before, Castle." she quipped, even though she knew why he was confused.

"Yes," he remarked, his tone of voice more like he were speaking to a person of limited intelligence than how he normally conversed with her, "but we've never,"

She chuckled lightly at the way his voice trailed off when her fingers brushed the protection into place, caressing his flesh in a slow, teasing glide. "We've never had to think about tomorrow before." she remarked lightly as she pressed her hands against his chest to roll him on his back.

Understanding settled on his features at the same moment she straddled him and took him back into her body. With a surge of his hips up towards her, they were again joined completely and she allowed herself a moment to relish the feeling of him inside of her.

His hands gripped her hips, holding her in place when all she wanted was to move. "Kate?" the emotion in his voice drew her eyes to his as she realized that she had closed them to allow the feelings to wash over her. "What if...?"

She leaned down to stop that question with her lips against his in a gentle caress, "If it's too late, then maybe that's what Tuesday was about and I'll be happy about it. I promise." she reassured him, rotating her hips against him as his grip loosened enough to allow her motion again, "However," she stressed as they moved together in that so familiar way, "I would be happy to wait a while longer and enjoy it being just us in the real world for a little while."

"Us," he repeated with that endearing mix of pleasure and surprise that seemed to catch him at times when he realized what they now shared. It hadn't faded in their months together, but seemed to grow more intense on this morning.

She realized in an instant what that emotional word meant to him on today of all the days. This being their first real day together and knowing that it wouldn't be their last. Kate rocked her hips against his, moving in a rhythm they had learned was intoxicating to both of them. She felt the pressure of her release rise inside of her as that single word echoed in her mind. Just before the wave of pleasure broke over her, she found her voice to respond to him. "Always."

Whether it was the knowledge of her statement that she wouldn't be pulling away from him now that reality was back upon them, or the more physical response of her body clamping hard around his, she didn't have the brain cells to determine. As the pleasure crested through her, he tensed below her, his body pulsing inside hers while he groaned long and low as he lost himself in the moment as well.

Sated, with a sheen of sweat on their skin and unable to catch their breath for a long moment, they shared the comfortable silence together. She knew there was nothing left unsaid between them, but felt the urge to whisper her love for him again. She was rewarded by his arms tightening around her, almost crushing the air from her lungs as he placed light, teasing kisses across every inch of her face and repeated her words back to her so many times that she would have wondered if they were the only words he could remember in those minutes if it weren't for the fact that she couldn't find the will to care.

They drifted back to sleep a while later, content in the knowledge that they would both be there when they woke again.

x.x.x

A/N: So, it's been quite a journey. I may make it back here to write an epilogue a little while down the road, but I'll stamp this as complete because I don't know if/when that might come about. I do not know if I will be writing any more stories here, since the demands on my time between my work and home life have become such that I don't have that much left for pleasure writing and it upsets me to have so much time lapse between updates. I wanted all of you to know that these past couple of years have been amazing because of you. You have all given me so much through your kind words, constructive criticism and seemingly endless encouragement that I have no idea if I can ever say how much it has meant to me.

Thank you all for your patience as I found time to wrap this story up in the way I had originally envisioned it instead of just stamping an ending on so that it would have been finished months ago. I appreciate your kindness in dealing with the delays and frustration of having to wait so long between beginning and ending (Can you believe this was started in the middle of 2011?) Oh, you're desperately aware of how long it has taken to finish? Yeah, that's probably true, but I'm still shocked by the time it has taken to get through to the end and appreciate you sticking it out with me.

Review that made my day: **greenk,** thank you. That really meant a lot to me.

Thanks to everyone for reading, not just this story but any and all before it. You have all made my time here very pleasurable and rewarding. Thank you.


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